bambia Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 (edited) I am a single woman who has been divorced for over 10 years. I have a good life - a new car, nice clothes, a great career, and am considered to be very attractive. I have no trouble attracting men. I met a man who was 15 years younger than me a year and half ago. We became involved in an intense relationship, fell in love, etc. He told me he wanted to leave his wife for me after the holidays this past year. He took off work so he could spend time with his children before leaving. We planned everything out. He moved in with me the first of the year. Or so I thought. We both travel extensively with our jobs so its hard to tell. He would be with me through the week as much as our jobs would allow but be with his children on weekends. Of course this is my time off - his time off so it created insecurity and resentment with me. He told me that he was taking the children to hotels out of town, or that his wife was gone and they were not together during these weekends. I don't believe that for a minute. He even told me that he has to do the grocery shopping for them because she has some kind of shopping disorder and will throw the money away and they will not have money for food. So he has to be there every weekend to make sure there is food in the house. I said that is just crazy and he said yes isn't it but it is true. Even when we would go out of town for a vacation he would always arrange it so it was Sunday thru Friday so he could be with his kids on the weekends. We did plan some weekends together but he would pick an argument with me and walk out or say he had to work and not be with me on these weekends either. I drove by his house several times and would see his car there. He has spent no holidays with me. I finally told him to just stop the lying and recognize that he was there on weekends. I didn't like it but what could I do. He has supposedly filed for divorce. I don't know for sure. I haven't seen any papers. She has not obtained an attorney he says. He tells me that he is getting a divorce and things will change but I see no evidence of this happening. Instead of being with someone special this holiday weekend I am sitting here typing on a forum - lol. Am I as stupid as I think I am??? Edited September 3, 2012 by bambia
whichwayisup Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 You know he's lying to you..And it seems he hasn't left his wife and kids. He is continuing to 'live life' with them and enjoys having you too. How long are you willing to put up with this? I say, end it! You're not getting much out of this and you're not with him during holidays as he's with his family. Life is short..Don't waste it on a MM who has no intention of pursuing you other than it being an affair. I'm sure you want a full time partner, not someone who will call you when he has the time, on his terms. Start focussing on your friends, family and kids (if you have any) and detach from him. Don't wait for him! Live your life and hopefully in time you'll find the strength to end it and tell him goodbye. 3
whichwayisup Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Am I as stupid as I think I am??? You're not stupid. You love a man who is married and you want to believe him because of how you feel..He has spun you some real good lines, yet deep down you know it's all bunk. He's having his cake and eating it too. Imagine the bunk lines he's saying to his wife? She probably has NO clue what is going on because he's a very skilled liar. I doubt they are divorcing, let alone separated. He's just told you that so he can have two women in his life. 4
mercy Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Instead of being with someone special this holiday weekend I am sitting here typing on a forum - lol. Am I as stupid as I think I am??? Don't call yourself names. Ok? You trusted and believed a man that isn't worthy of your trust, let alone your love. All of these doubts you are feeling are alarms going off within yourself. It is trying to tell you something, it's trying to protect you. Listen and believe that voice within you, it will never steer you wrong. Holidays only magnify your feelings of loneliness. Refuse to spend another one wondering what he's doing with his family. Remember what you are feeling today. Use it to motivate yourself and you'll never be in this place again. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming. Use this time wisely, made the hard choices, ones that will bring you some peace and happiness. Lies keep us stuck, truth sets us free. You're free you just don't know it yet. 2
Author bambia Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 I have sat down with him and pleaded with him to be honest and he says he is being honest but he loves his children and wants to be with them too. I have asked to see the divorce papers and he says he will show them to me - I just asked to actually see them last week. He seems so sincere that it is hard to believe he is lying unless he is a complete socio-path (which isn't out of the relm of possibility I realize). He keeps telling me that he sleeps on the sofa when he is there on weekends. At one point he would come back to my home some of the weekend nights and spend the night at my house but this has stopped. He could have been picking a fight with her to do that. I KNOW he picked fights with me and was vague about times in order to leave me on weekends. He travels too for his job which makes it easy for him. He can tell me (and her too) that he is out of town and we would be none the wiser. I asked him one night where he stayed and he told me and that town didn't have that particular hotel so I know he lies. But he said he lies because he wants to be with his children and he knows I will be mad about it. But he spends NO weekend or holiday time with me and that is what makes me so angry. I would be willing to compromise but there is no compromise with him. I have made threats - I have broken up with him. But I have been weak and there was no follow through. The crazy thing is he tells me that he doesn't care if his wife knows we are together and we go out some locally for dinner (no one has seen us though). That could just be a risk taking thing with him (I've considered that). I want to believe him so badly and I want to believe it will be better but my gut tells me otherwise.
Author bambia Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 thank you for your kind words and advice. That is what I know in my heart too. I have told him that I didn't want to be the "other woman". He says I am the "only woman" (aren't liars somooth?). I do want someone to share my life with - someone to grow old with. I think I am dreading the holidays coming up because you are right - I feel a dark cloud coming over me each weekend and especially each weekend holiday. I don't really have that much time invested in this affair - just one year of holidays. Last Thanksgiving and Christmas he swore I would not be alone for the next ones but here I am - Labor Day and alone. I can just imagine how much the children will "need' him Christmas and Thanksgiving.
mercy Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 thank you for your kind words and advice. That is what I know in my heart too. I have told him that I didn't want to be the "other woman". He says I am the "only woman" (aren't liars somooth?). I do want someone to share my life with - someone to grow old with. I think I am dreading the holidays coming up because you are right - I feel a dark cloud coming over me each weekend and especially each weekend holiday. I don't really have that much time invested in this affair - just one year of holidays. Last Thanksgiving and Christmas he swore I would not be alone for the next ones but here I am - Labor Day and alone. I can just imagine how much the children will "need' him Christmas and Thanksgiving. Why do you love him? Why is he worthy of your love? Yes, liars are smooth, they are also despicable. 3
DBella Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Do yourself a favor and leave that man alone. Find the one that you deserve. Men lie a lot. My H made the OW believe that they were soulmates, perfect for each other, that he was getting divorced and more, but reality was that while he was saying all that to her, he was also trying to lie to me at the same time. He never asked me for a divorce, he wanted to work things out with me and stay home with the kids but at the same time he wanted to have that lover for the weekends or whenever he felt like it. Don't allow that man to fool you. 1
whichwayisup Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 thank you for your kind words and advice. That is what I know in my heart too. I have told him that I didn't want to be the "other woman". He says I am the "only woman" (aren't liars somooth?). I do want someone to share my life with - someone to grow old with. I think I am dreading the holidays coming up because you are right - I feel a dark cloud coming over me each weekend and especially each weekend holiday. I don't really have that much time invested in this affair - just one year of holidays. Last Thanksgiving and Christmas he swore I would not be alone for the next ones but here I am - Labor Day and alone. I can just imagine how much the children will "need' him Christmas and Thanksgiving. Don't let him fool you or manipulate you. It is what it is. He is still very much married and him telling you 'you are the only woman' IS a lie. His actions show you this. Take time to figure out what you want and go from there. If it's to settle and be his OW on his terms and time frame then accept that and take it for what it is. Just an affair. Or, if you feel you want more, deserve someone who can be with you full time, someone you don't want to share, then end it..Grieve the loss and heal so you can find a man who will love only you. 1
LoveTKO Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 This is typical sociopath behavior, using his wife's non-existent "shopping disorder" as an excuse, using his kids as an excuse, lying about the impending fictitious divorce, and says it all with a straight face while making you look like a complete idiot for even questioning him. I have so much more respect for WS' who just come out and say that they're just looking for a physical/emotional supplement on the side but have no intention of leaving the marriage. 1
Author bambia Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 With this sort of MM, he'll go to extraordinary lengths to provide you with fake documents. Find the wife and have a sit-down with her and you'll get all your answers. Just don't let him know you're doing it. Don't even hint at it. I would never contact his wife. I love him because he was attentive, fun, funny, smart, sexy, . He fell madly in love with me and that gaga kind of love was attractive. I was working out of town one week and he borrowed my key so he could have something special waiting for me when I got home. It was a cleaned house so I could enjoy my weekend and not have to worry about cleaning bathrooms etc. He fixed every thing in my house that needed fixing. I know this sounds crazy but one of the things I missed most about not having a man was someone to take care of these things around the house that needed attention and on his own he did those things for me.
Author bambia Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 With this sort of MM, he'll go to extraordinary lengths to provide you with fake documents. Find the wife and have a sit-down with her and you'll get all your answers. Just don't let him know you're doing it. Don't even hint at it. I thought about how easy it is to fake documents. I've also thought that I don't want my life to be lonely and alone on weekends and holidays. I want someone to share my life. I have to end it.
I'm nuts Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 I can tell you as a guy that this chap is yanking your chain, it's just a fantasy and stories, some guys go father than others with all kinds of stories, you see we have big egos that need massaging. Uncomplicate your life and find a single guy with no kids and walk away from this one.
losingmyground Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Sorry to say....but yes you are being stupid. Ask him for the processed and signed divorce papers. If he cannot provide them, then you are being lied to. Time to tinkle or get off the pot. He is using you and her.
losingmyground Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 I'd sit him down and tell him exactly what you just told us, including how you no longer believe it.. .and ask him what he plans on doing about it. Ask to see the papers, tell him you "know" it's silly but feel insecure and it would make you feel better to it in black and white. His reaction will tell you a lot. Then you can go from there. It doesn't sound like you knew or even suspected that he was still actually really married, so it's going to be hard. You aren't stupid. You didn't really make this choice... I'm sorry you are dealing with this, I hope that his story is somehow legit, but I'm very skeptical. Guess what. She made the choice to be with a MM. It is stupid to believe that he is being honest, when he cannot be honest with the woman he chose to marry.
Author bambia Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 I suspect what is going to happen is he will end it or force me to end it by his passive aggressive behavior pattern now that I have started to question and put pressure on him to prove himself.
BetrayedH Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 I am a single woman who has been divorced for over 10 years. I have a good life - a new car, nice clothes, a great career, and am considered to be very attractive. I have no trouble attracting men. I met a man who was 15 years younger than me a year and half ago. We became involved in an intense relationship, fell in love, etc. He told me he wanted to leave his wife for me after the holidays this past year. He took off work so he could spend time with his children before leaving. We planned everything out. He moved in with me the first of the year. Or so I thought. We both travel extensively with our jobs so its hard to tell. He would be with me through the week as much as our jobs would allow but be with his children on weekends. Of course this is my time off - his time off so it created insecurity and resentment with me. He told me that he was taking the children to hotels out of town, or that his wife was gone and they were not together during these weekends. I don't believe that for a minute. He even told me that he has to do the grocery shopping for them because she has some kind of shopping disorder and will throw the money away and they will not have money for food. So he has to be there every weekend to make sure there is food in the house. I said that is just crazy and he said yes isn't it but it is true. Even when we would go out of town for a vacation he would always arrange it so it was Sunday thru Friday so he could be with his kids on the weekends. We did plan some weekends together but he would pick an argument with me and walk out or say he had to work and not be with me on these weekends either. I drove by his house several times and would see his car there. He has spent no holidays with me. I finally told him to just stop the lying and recognize that he was there on weekends. I didn't like it but what could I do. He has supposedly filed for divorce. I don't know for sure. I haven't seen any papers. She has not obtained an attorney he says. He tells me that he is getting a divorce and things will change but I see no evidence of this happening. Instead of being with someone special this holiday weekend I am sitting here typing on a forum - lol. Am I as stupid as I think I am??? I he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. And in this case, it sounds like he is cheating on his OW with his wife. Go figure. Statistically, your relationship has about a 3% success rate. This is because the relationship was founded on lies and deception. You are essentially in the early phases of your relationship and you already don't believe him and don't trust him. The question really is how long you will stay in it before you start a healthier approach. It takes some longer than others.
Summer Breeze Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Sigh.........I wish you'd reach down and find your lady balls and take control and end it yourself. You know there is no happy ending, right? OMG Lady G - lady balls!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love that! OP you're not being stupid. You love someone and you believed him. Now that you're suspicious to the point you want to do something, you need to do it. You know in your heart what's what and now is the time to act. If you don't act and you allow him to keep treating you this way then you are stupid. No, I hate that word. You're not stupid but you will be continuing on this heartbreaking road with not 1 single thing good to come of it. You know you need to save yourself and no one else can do it for you. Just like everyone said, either call his W or put his stuff outside the front door and have it locked. Once you know in your heart what he's like you have to make the move. It'll hurt no doubt, but you need to do it for your own sanity. Lady balls. Man that's class!
Author bambia Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 I talked to him at length and I really believe he is being honest about the situation and I need to be more patient. It is so difficult for him to leave his children and he spends his weekends spending time with them . He said he didn't realize it would be so hard to live without them in his life. We have time during the week and there is no way he could still be in the marriage and be with me as much as he is. Also he doesn't hide the fact that we are together. We go out in public. He takes care of my lawn work. If he were worried about being caught he wouldn't do that. He said that it is taking time for the details of the divorce to be worked out. The house needs to be sold because she won't be able to afford the mortgage on her own - it takes everything they both make to pay their bills now.
Author bambia Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 What would be the purpose for him to lie? He would eventually be found out.
Author bambia Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 But I have decided that for my own sanity - I am not going to see him until he is a free man. I really got some good advice here and am going to focus on my career friends, family and myself. Unfortunately, I don't have children.
Author bambia Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 Wow. That story should buy him at LEAST 6 months to another year before you finally lose your patience and see right through it = like we can NOW. And it will also allow him to continue getting free room and board at your place while pretending to be 'living' there, since he's paying all the bills at his 'separated' wife's house. What a guy. If you had any idea HOW many times we've all heard this story on the forums, you'd re-think your position. I guess hope springs eternal. That could be - I have read those stories too. Which is why I said I won't be seeing him until he is completely free. I have thought about all kinds of things - like there is the possibiity that he wanted to leave but never felt he could for financial reasons and by leaving for me - he will have the same or better lifestyle. But he says even if I break things off with him he is not staying in the marriage. The truth is I can't see into his head - i can't see into his life outside of me - but it could be that these stories aren't my story.
Author bambia Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 She contacted me via text and told me she knew who I was and that I could have him. I haven't spoken to her directly. I don't think it is wise for me to be involved with his children. Eventually it will happen but they need to get used to the situation first. I don't think I mentioned that during a fight prior to me she smiled and told him she had cheated on him with a former boyfriend she reconnected with from face book. Also after he told his family his sister said she had seen her having lunch with a male that he had suspected she was having an affair with. She didn't tell him because she asked her not to. I guess I was the revenge. He told her best friend who told him it was just an ego thing. She had told him the affair ended when she wouldn't leave him and marry the other guy. It seems they both cheat. So that's why I guess I don't feel that much guilt.
Author bambia Posted September 8, 2012 Author Posted September 8, 2012 Because she takes care of them during the week. She goes out and does things for herself because she wants me time. I don't have children so I don't know if this is normal or not. It sounded like it was plausible. Mind you I'm keeping an open mind here but i did see the text from the friend telling him they would work things out and it really wasn't an affair. It was just kissing and done to stroke her ego. The wife back tracked after he got so upset but she had already given him deails. Where they met and the timeframe. Then she :eek:started saying they just kissed.
Author bambia Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 As usual he is there for weekend. She contacted me and let me know who I am and told me I could have him she just wants him to be a father to his children. I forwarded the message she sent me to him. He did not appear overly concerned. He said I may want to change my phone number. I spoke to him today and asked him if she said anything. He said no. We don't talk. She stays in her part of the house and their only conversation is about the kids or else it degenerates into a fight. He said he didn't mention it either and it was prob best that I didn't respond. Thoughts?? Change number??
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