Susceptible today

September 3, 2012

I have had a really difficult couple of days - week and a half really - mainly because of my 11 year old son (who has hated me since I split with his dad). I really thought we'd turned a corner over the past few months - he came on holiday with me, spent time in London with me a couple of weeks ago and we've had a lovely, close time (and away from his father who is a negative influence). But now he has turned against me again, for no apparent reason.

It's when I am going through a difficult time - and it's coming up to the anniversary of when 'he' (not my son's father, my recent ex who I thought was my 'one' and who I adored) came to see me to declare his feelings 2 years ago. And almost a year since we last spent the night together and he said he'd think of getting back together but instead went off with someone else - that I am very vulnerable and want to contact 'him', as I am angry and bitter that he could leave me to pick up the pieces of my wrecked life without a second's thought, that he failed to stick by me and see 'us' through the early difficulties.

I sacrificed so much for this man but he lied to me, took all my kindness and generosity for granted, diminished my confidence and left me not know knowing my left from my right (mixed messages and I found notes he'd written about me which said what he truly felt about me and which was the opposite of what he was telling me) but which I foolishly accepted all the blame for. Why should he get away with it all so easily and without a conscience when I am still going through torment. He knew my ex husband was being aggressive with me, that my son was hitting me, spitting in my face, telling me every day - on the phone as he often refused to see me, I had to fight to see him and turn the situation around - how much he hated me and wished I was dead but was still able to walk away and onto someone else 'calmer and more settled'. The reason I wasn't always so 'calm and settled' was because of all the hassle I was going through, with no support from him but all the while supporting him endlessly through his difficult divorce (he had been separated for 9 months before we began our relationship).

I can find myself falling into this pit of dispair and misery again, 15 months on from him dumping me. I'm sick of putting on the face and pretending I am 'fixed/over him/better', because I'm none of those things and now my son has turned against me again I can feel myself unravelling. I've created a new, busy life for myself, found new friends, changed roles at work so that I am now travelling but I can't get past how cruelly and hurtfully he treated me. And it doesn't help that he lives and works in my neighbourhood so I am surrounded by memories and run the risk of seeing him whenever I go out of my home, it's horrible.

Sorry for rambling but I don't have anyone to talk to right now as all my friends don't know I feel like this.

Edited September 3, 2012 by Jingle14

September 6, 2012

Still no better, and I was wary about posting again as not getting any responses adds to my feelings of rejection but I am biting the bullet in the hope of getting some advice or words of support.

Autumn on the way is making me feel worse. It was autumn when we got together, autumn when we last spent the night together so all the bittersweet reminders are there - when we were so in love 2 years ago, the wonderful, autumn walks through the leaves, holding hands and gazing happily into each others eyes but also last year when he looked coldly into my eyes and told me his feelings were dead, he felt 'no affection' for me (2 days after saying 'we fit together') and the knowledge he had moved on to someone else, turning up at a school event he knew I'd be at in his 'going out' clothes - the ones he used to wear to impress me - for his date with the new person and which broke my heart. I wish I could hibernate.

September 6, 2012

Hey there i am sorry nobody else has been able to offer any helpful advice. But you sound like you have been through a lot, and of course you don't deserve the hurt and pain you have been through.

I think you need to really remember you ARE a good person. It sounds as if you have been mistreated by two men in a row and understandably you are hurting still.

Perhaps it would be best to stop reminiscing over the good times and look forward to the future. There are always good things to look forward to in life, but you are in charge of your destiny and you may have to make some drastic changes to enable that to happen. From what i read you are doing some amazing things with your life now and you should be proud of yourself you are doing great!

I am not sure as to why your son disrespects you the way he does i don't particularly think you have to put up with that. But i don't know if it is my place to say that

I hope you are maintaining NC with the man who hurt you most recently, avoiding things that remind you of him is always the way to go, so if need be maybe it is time to move? I hope you get through this nobody deserves to be in a world of pain because of a couple of jerks! Good luck!

September 6, 2012

Thanks so much for your kind reply, it's really helpful.

Long story with my son, kind of 2 steps forward and 3 back sometimes but I have to keep trying as I know he's testing me. The odd thing is, the coward who broke my heart was in the shop on Monday when my son and his friends were there and do you know he didn't even acknowledge him, he just scurried off to the back off the shop looking shamefaced and guilty (so my son tells me, and he's only 11, bless him).

I'm not in contact with him. I last saw him in early June after he fixed a piece of equipment he bought me (and which was easy as that's what his firm does). I had only asked because it was possibly still under warranty but we hadn't seen or spoken to each other for months until I dropped it off. When I collected it, we ended up hugging for over an hour, both holding each other tightly and reminiscing (both of us, not just me). Yet when I bumped into him in a pub when I was with a friend and my son 2 days later and I went over on my own to say hello to him and the friend he was with (and who I know) he pretty much ignored me - my friend said 'his pint was more interesting, it was really uncomfortable to see and really disrespectful'. Why do that to me given what had happened 2 days before? Who reminisces about what fantastic physical times you'd had and would still be having if still together - I've never done with with an ex I chose to leave.

I'm an otherwise very strong and independent individual but I fell completely in love, hook, line and sinker, with this man - for a time he felt the same, and then he didn't. He moved on quickly, I find I am unable to and never want to put myself in that position again.

Thanks again for your reply, I really appreciate you taking the time

September 6, 2012

hello again Jingle....

continuing from that last post on someone else thread, you said i was doing brilliantly well i am not really i am trying too but its so hard, like Tuesday i had

a hospital appointment for a op on my knee my Ex before she finished our relationship, she was taking me to the hospital we arranged the time 2pm for when she was off work at that time,

I went on my own and the feeling inside of me that day was sooo painful,when i got home as soon as i shut the front

door i burst into tears and cried so much, my story is we came back from spain about 5 weeks ago, had a lovely time week later her weekend off she asked me to stay at hers, i said i would think about it because we made arrangement to stay at mine and go out Saturday night , well she carried it on to the next day because i said i would think about staying, we didn't speak for 2 days, i get a text "im calling it a day" i couldn't believe it, i rang her she gave me theses so poor excuses for calling it a day i hung up on her, I had to i was so upset i text WHY have you broken my heart like this ? she text me and said talk with your friends and goto the doctors and get something temporally, Like i had a common cold, i thought you cold hearted cow, the girl i loved more then anything in the world just tossed me to the side like i was nothing :-( its the the grass is greener syndrome, and how im i coping well i tell myself, I deserve Better i am a good lad and i know, i didn't deserve that, she told me every day I love you, how the hell can you do that if you love the person. that how i see it now she never loved me not the real love that i gave her,

i see it now, its her loss i am proud of i can love someone for real, i really think it will dawn on them them one day what they have lossed but it will be far to late for them, and you have proved to yourself you can fall in love and love, its getting a rare thing is love, we live in a throw away society where relationship don't mean anything anymore

and that's so sad , jingle you need to find yourself again and left that thing of an EX stay in the past where he belongs, he has left to make room for someone worthy of you, and you will look back and thank god he did go, im having a ok day today but i cant say i will tomorrow but i will try, they are not going to win :-)

Rejection doesn`t mean you aren`t

Good enough it Means the other person

Failed to notice what you

HAVE TO OFFER

September 7, 2012

hello again Jingle....

continuing from that last post on someone else thread, you said i was doing brilliantly well i am not really i am trying too but its so hard, like Tuesday i had
a hospital appointment for a op on my knee my Ex before she finished our relationship, she was taking me to the hospital we arranged the time 2pm for when she was off work at that time,

I went on my own and the feeling inside of me that day was sooo painful,when i got home as soon as i shut the front
door i burst into tears and cried so much, my story is we came back from spain about 5 weeks ago, had a lovely time week later her weekend off she asked me to stay at hers, i said i would think about it because we made arrangement to stay at mine and go out Saturday night , well she carried it on to the next day because i said i would think about staying, we didn't speak for 2 days, i get a text "im calling it a day" i couldn't believe it, i rang her she gave me theses so poor excuses for calling it a day i hung up on her, I had to i was so upset i text WHY have you broken my heart like this ? she text me and said talk with your friends and goto the doctors and get something temporally, Like i had a common cold, i thought you cold hearted cow, the girl i loved more then anything in the world just tossed me to the side like i was nothing :-( its the the grass is greener syndrome, and how im i coping well i tell myself, I deserve Better i am a good lad and i know, i didn't deserve that, she told me every day I love you, how the hell can you do that if you love the person. that how i see it now she never loved me not the real love that i gave her,

i see it now, its her loss i am proud of i can love someone for real, i really think it will dawn on them them one day what they have lossed but it will be far to late for them, and you have proved to yourself you can fall in love and love, its getting a rare thing is love, we live in a throw away society where relationship don't mean anything anymore
and that's so sad , jingle you need to find yourself again and left that thing of an EX stay in the past where he belongs, he has left to make room for someone worthy of you, and you will look back and thank god he did go, im having a ok day today but i cant say i will tomorrow but i will try, they are not going to win :-)

Rejection doesn`t mean you aren`t
Good enough it Means the other person
Failed to notice what you
HAVE TO OFFER

How horrible for you. How did you get on on holiday, was everything ok?? Do you think she was already looking for an out before you went away? Her cold behaviour since possibly indicates that (the first time 'he' dumped me - we got back together after that - was the day before an important medical appointment that he knew I was anxious about. He later told me he knew what he was going to do and had to take the decision to do it before the appointment as, had it turned out to be something serious, it would have been more difficult to dump me then, nice hey).

I see from another of your posts you are from Manchester, so am I but I don't live there now but I always thought I'd move back as I couldn't get back there often enough (every other week). It was where 'he' and I had our first date, and our second 'first date' when we got back together. It was also the place he dumped me, in the Champagne bar in Kendals (I was paying, despite earning a fraction of his salary, but I often did). I have only been to Manchester twice since - the week after on a corporate event I couldn't get out of and then in May this year with a friend. My mother is really upset as I always used to go and stay so often but I just can't face it now. I took him to all my favourite places, so everywhere that was a sanctuary holds memories that are unbearable now. I used to adore going to Heaton Park. I haven't been there since May 2011, when I was with him, just can't face it.

It's hard to believe that they can turn so cold, almost like a different person altogether, a stranger. How is this possible with people who had meant so much to each other (he said he had never felt that way about anyone, not even the person he'd been with for 22 years - neither had I, and I had much more relationship experience than him). I don't get it as I'm still on reasonable terms with my ex husband - we can share a laugh and a glass of wine, we've even gone shopping together. This is more than 'he' can do with his ex who refuses point blank to give him the time of day, despite her being a 'kept' woman she still dumped him - I never did quite know why. I think this says a lot about us as a person - I sit with my ex husband at school events but they dont, he sits at the back and she at the front, they hate each other which is very sad.

I was this man's fantasy (and what a joke that is!), and then he got me, I loved him unconditionally - a very rare thing, as you say, love itself is rare but unconditional love is rarer still - and treated him wonderfully (too well, he thought I 'tried too hard' but I just wanted him to know how much I loved and cared for him, to make him feel special as his ex never had). He gave her everything she wanted and she took him for granted and treated him badly (she told him at the end she had never loved him) but he didn't give me an inch. I'll never understand it. We had an amazing attraction and connection but he let it die and walked away. I expect he's gone back to beige now (like his ex but he told me he was bored by her, she was 'thick and stupid' whereas most people would say I am the opposite, him included but it turns out he couldn't deal with someone who was equal and had a mind of her own, not what he was used to). To tell me one day 'we fit together' said spontenously and he meant it but then 2 days later to tell me he had no affection for me or feelings and then to tell me he hadn't thought of me when he'd kissed another woman during out break.... I just don't get how his mind works. I couldn't be like that, could you?

I love how positively you are looking at this - saying this is her loss, that you are a good person who now knows is capable of loving someone. I think that's wonderful. Do you honestly think though that one day it will dawn on them what a loss to them we are? People who know me well and who met him tell me this but it's kind of hard to believe, even though I know I am a better, kinder, more truthful person than he is.

You are much more positive than I was at your stage - it took me months to get anywhere near like that - and that bodes well for a good recovery for you. I really hope so, as you sound like a lovely, caring person.

Edited September 7, 2012 by Jingle14

September 7, 2012

hiya :-)

Yes everything was fine on the holiday, We did fall out over something really

small, but that night I said sorry over dinner and everything was fine after

she finished it 2 month after we met, few days later she text me ive made a big

mistake we got back together, then i remembered she did it again and i had

forgotten all about it, I didn't tell anyone i was really upset i don't even know why

she left me for, i only remembered the other day talking about her to my ante,

so this is the 3rd time i've just realized how cruel she is

I could never forgive her now after what she has put me through, ive lost a

stone and a half in weight, i was a stone and a half over weight but that's not the point lol,

yeah i am from Manchester, that bit when you said about heaton park,

brought a tear to my eyes we would walk holding hands in there, she

would hold my hand every where we went, just thinking about it killing me

like you said i fine it so hard to believe they can be as cold as ice

and just continue like you never existed, i fine that hard to deal with, you

said did she look for an out before we went away no i don't think so she was

really looking forward to our holiday, and so was i all start from a very so fall

out, To her finishing it with me to me it shows what she thought of me,

you would never end it like that if you really loved the person,would you ?

not a good day today its her weekend off this weekend and she be at mine

Saturday night, now come Saturday you have no idea where they are or what

they are doing, that's hard to cope with :-( anyway that's enough of me lol

Your ex sounds like he wants a slapper who care free, he sounds like hes said

alot of things to you, that was not true inside of him, just like my ex, yes you

are right unconditionally love is very rare it make me so sad that some

people just don't see what they have, and how precious it is,

he said his Ex was think and stupid and he would say you

where the opposite,but kills the relationship sounds to me he has no respect

for women, you said he kissed another women during your break well that

says it all really no i couldn't do that but there's lots of people who can,

Jingle some people just don't give a s**t, don't care how much your hurting

don't care how you are feeling, and it makes me mad how much energy we

wast on these loveless people, my head knows all this and says yes Steven

you are right, but my heart saying whats going on? why she/he done this to

me, i loved them very much, so ive made an appointment to get my heart removed lol :-)

do i think it will come home to them what they have lost"?

yes i do in a way, but only in the time of need this is when it will happen

but things will be different then, they have had their chances and blew it!

its a very hard thing to find someone who loves you more then life itself and

these people throw it away like its a old news paper, yes its there loss

i sound like a lovely, caring person. well thank you for that yes i am and i

don't mind saying so lol but i sometimes think its my down fall, My morals are

good, i respect people and i certainly respect relationships,

but its just never enough for some people

and the same goes for you jingle you sound a lovely girl too :-)

September 7, 2012

hiya :-)

Yes everything was fine on the holiday, We did fall out over something really
small, but that night I said sorry over dinner and everything was fine after
she finished it 2 month after we met, few days later she text me ive made a big
mistake we got back together, then i remembered she did it again and i had
forgotten all about it, I didn't tell anyone i was really upset i don't even know why
she left me for, i only remembered the other day talking about her to my ante,
so this is the 3rd time i've just realized how cruel she is

I could never forgive her now after what she has put me through, ive lost a
stone and a half in weight, i was a stone and a half over weight but that's not the point lol,

yeah i am from Manchester, that bit when you said about heaton park,
brought a tear to my eyes we would walk holding hands in there, she
would hold my hand every where we went, just thinking about it killing me
like you said i fine it so hard to believe they can be as cold as ice
and just continue like you never existed, i fine that hard to deal with, you
said did she look for an out before we went away no i don't think so she was
really looking forward to our holiday, and so was i all start from a very so fall
out, To her finishing it with me to me it shows what she thought of me,
you would never end it like that if you really loved the person,would you ?

not a good day today its her weekend off this weekend and she be at mine
Saturday night, now come Saturday you have no idea where they are or what
they are doing, that's hard to cope with :-( anyway that's enough of me lol

Your ex sounds like he wants a slapper who care free, he sounds like hes said
alot of things to you, that was not true inside of him, just like my ex, yes you
are right unconditionally love is very rare it make me so sad that some
people just don't see what they have, and how precious it is,

he said his Ex was think and stupid and he would say you
where the opposite,but kills the relationship sounds to me he has no respect
for women, you said he kissed another women during your break well that
says it all really no i couldn't do that but there's lots of people who can,
Jingle some people just don't give a s**t, don't care how much your hurting
don't care how you are feeling, and it makes me mad how much energy we
wast on these loveless people, my head knows all this and says yes Steven
you are right, but my heart saying whats going on? why she/he done this to
me, i loved them very much, so ive made an appointment to get my heart removed lol :-)

do i think it will come home to them what they have lost"?
yes i do in a way, but only in the time of need this is when it will happen
but things will be different then, they have had their chances and blew it!
its a very hard thing to find someone who loves you more then life itself and
these people throw it away like its a old news paper, yes its there loss

i sound like a lovely, caring person. well thank you for that yes i am and i
don't mind saying so lol but i sometimes think its my down fall, My morals are
good, i respect people and i certainly respect relationships,
but its just never enough for some people

and the same goes for you jingle you sound a lovely girl too :-)

Thanks steven, that is kind of you - he used to say i was perfect, clearly not. I also lost about a stone and a half, went down to 7 stone but i'm only small anyway.

The old head v heart is a killer, if only our heads could take over how much simpler would it all be.

You stopped me in my tracks saying about loving someone more than life as that is a saying my good friend has always said about her husband but, until meeting 'him', i never really understood. It made sense with him.

Sorry to bring up memories in the park. We always walked everywhere hand in hand, usually with our other arm around each other - wherever we were, you couldnt put a feather between us.

I often wonder if he ever thinks of me - i was apparently all he thought about from the day we met - but neither of us was available - until the day we got together nearly 3 years later but i had no idea he felt like that. Can he really have forgotten me after that? This new one isnt me, he didnt long for her for years.

I know this is his free weekend too, he is probably making plans to spend it with 'her', sending lovely counting down time texts/emails like he did me.

Hope you are able to keep busy this weekend. If you are like me though, no matter what you do or are doing, the underlying sadness remains. He is happy though, i know that as he told me he was when i saw him in june.Cant say that he looks it though on the rare occasions i have seen him around, or when my son saw him in a shop of Monday. He is a deluded liar though, he 'surpressed' his feelings for me for all that time and would not dare allow himself to feel anything for me again. I believe this is why he ignored me after hugging me tightly, and burying his head into my neck for over an hour in June.

I truly hope you heal quicker than me, and you really are doing well as you are contemplating loving someone in the future while i know i never will, my heart is closed off and numb. Yours isnt and that's wonderful.

Edited September 7, 2012 by Jingle14

September 7, 2012

Thanks steven, that is kind of you - he used to say i was perfect, clearly not. I also lost about a stone and a half, went down to 7 stone but i'm only small anyway.

The old head v heart is a killer, if only our heads could take over how much simpler would it all be.

You stopped me in my tracks saying about loving someone more than life as that is a saying my good friend has always said about her husband but, until meeting 'him', i never really understood. It made sense with him.

Sorry to bring up memories in the park. We always walked everywhere hand in hand, usually with our other arm around each other - wherever we were, you couldnt put a feather between us.

I often wonder if he ever thinks of me - i was apparently all he thought about from the day we met - but neither of us was available - until the day we got together nearly 3 years later but i had no idea he felt like that. Can he really have forgotten me after that? This new one isnt me, he didnt long for her for years.

I know this is his free weekend too, he is probably making plans to spend it with 'her', sending lovely counting down time texts/emails like he did me.

Hope you are able to keep busy this weekend. If you are like me though, no matter what you do or are doing, the underlying sadness remains. He is happy though, i know that as he told me he was when i saw him in june.Cant say that he looks it though on the rare occasions i have seen him around, or when my son saw him in a shop of Monday. He is a deluded liar though, he 'surpressed' his feelings for me for all that time and would not dare allow himself to feel anything for me again. I believe this is why he ignored me after hugging me tightly, and burying his head into my neck for over an hour in June.

I truly hope you heal quicker than me, and you really are doing well as you are contemplating loving someone in the future while i know i never will, my heart is closed off and numb. Yours isnt and that's wonderful.

yes i am like you keeping busy doesn't take away what i am thinking so

keeping busy at the weekend doesn't really help, thinking of going out tonight just for a pint at my local ive not been in for weeks, the group of lads i know in

there will think ive died lol, not had a beer in weeks just made me feel even

worse not that i could have got much worse,

its going to take time for me to even think about meeting someone else

it wouldn't be fair on me or the person i am with,

your heart badly Hurt jingle but you will love again DON'T let this person keep

you from doing it the world needs your love in it, don't close it away ok ???

:-)

September 8, 2012

yes i am like you keeping busy doesn't take away what i am thinking so
keeping busy at the weekend doesn't really help, thinking of going out tonight just for a pint at my local ive not been in for weeks, the group of lads i know in
there will think ive died lol, not had a beer in weeks just made me feel even
worse not that i could have got much worse,

its going to take time for me to even think about meeting someone else
it wouldn't be fair on me or the person i am with,

your heart badly Hurt jingle but you will love again DON'T let this person keep
you from doing it the world needs your love in it, don't close it away ok ???
:-)

Think you have exactly the right approach, very sensible, in taking time for you and however tough things are now, i have a good feeling that you'll be absolutely fine in the long run, with someone who appreciates you and who you can be very happy with. And that isnt someone who can switch from having a lovely time on holiday one minute to being cold, heartless and abandoning you the next.

Its kind of you to say the world needs my love. But really it doesnt. I'm not capable nor do i want to let anyone else in - not after seeing how cruel one human can be to another, not least someone they had been the most intimate and loving with. How could i ever trust anyone again. No, i am now your typical cold, bitter and twisted dumped woman, only kind to my friends and people i already know.

Hope you did go and see your friends in the pub, it occupies your mind temporarily if nothing else. The sunny weather can feel cruel and mocking but i am starting to almost enjoy it again, the numbness has thawed slightly to let me appreciate it. Hope you are able to enjoy, or at least try to, the weekend.

Initially i went into complete lockdown and stayed home. Really the best thing is to say yes to any invitation, i know that now and that's what i do, so try to do that if you can.

Edited September 8, 2012 by Jingle14

September 8, 2012

hiya jingle

hope you are ok today ?

i feel like well not good ,, you think your getting strong then day or so later its

back, i did go out last night and i wish i never i had a few drinks felt very emotional in the pub,i didn't show it but its started to build and the love songs

on the music didn't help lol, anyway i got in about 12 and broke down :-(

i was close to texting her to say why why why, But i didn't i new it would be

the worse mistake i could do, i sobbed for ages in bed, i really hate being like

that, that this person who you loved so much and cared for can reduce you to

this emotional wreck, its so wrong it really is,

so the dark cloud followed me into today, and i don't think it wants to go

away

my friend text me asking if i wanted to go up there later, i Know i should go

but i don't have the mind for it today, its her weekend off i think thats why

i feel this way, just the not knowing where she is or what she doing, painful

i know this is going to be a very long road now like yourself its not going to be

easy

this might sound daft but at the moment i hate sunny days, just want it to rain like it is in my heart,

well try not to go into lock down, if you need to talk im here :-)

you know what you need just like me a Big hug, is there anywhere you can

rent a hug for a few days :-)

im sat here listening to pink Floyd, its my fav band, cant believe i got us both Tickets to see the australian pink Floyd in Manchester in february cost over £100

i got good seats, what a mug i am,

like to thank you for listening to me and helping i hope i have helped you in some way, even if its just to talk its something :-)

Thank you

September 8, 2012

hiya jingle

hope you are ok today ?
i feel like well not good ,, you think your getting strong then day or so later its
back, i did go out last night and i wish i never i had a few drinks felt very emotional in the pub,i didn't show it but its started to build and the love songs
on the music didn't help lol, anyway i got in about 12 and broke down :-(
i was close to texting her to say why why why, But i didn't i new it would be
the worse mistake i could do, i sobbed for ages in bed, i really hate being like
that, that this person who you loved so much and cared for can reduce you to
this emotional wreck, its so wrong it really is,

so the dark cloud followed me into today, and i don't think it wants to go
away
my friend text me asking if i wanted to go up there later, i Know i should go
but i don't have the mind for it today, its her weekend off i think thats why
i feel this way, just the not knowing where she is or what she doing, painful

i know this is going to be a very long road now like yourself its not going to be
easy

this might sound daft but at the moment i hate sunny days, just want it to rain like it is in my heart,

well try not to go into lock down, if you need to talk im here :-)
you know what you need just like me a Big hug, is there anywhere you can
rent a hug for a few days :-)

im sat here listening to pink Floyd, its my fav band, cant believe i got us both Tickets to see the australian pink Floyd in Manchester in february cost over £100
i got good seats, what a mug i am,

like to thank you for listening to me and helping i hope i have helped you in some way, even if its just to talk its something :-)

Thank you

First of all, a big Well Done for not texting, that was absolutely the best thing to do. I did though, at first, I sent texts, emails - some begging and pleading, trying to reason and persuade and, when I found he was seeing someone else, some angry ones. All insanity, of course, which more than likely pushed him further away, further into someone else's arms and, most of all, will have reinforced to him he was absolutely right in dumping me in the first place. I know I lost my dignity - strange how we know what we are doing is wrong but are still compelled to do it anyway. Lunacy.

It doesn't sound daft at all saying you would rather it rained. I hated and detested the sun - like I said, it felt the weather was mocking my unhappiness and I prayed for it to rain. Even now, if it's sunny, I won't open the curtains in my bedroom until I'm up. Lying there and watching sun and blue skies reminds me of all the times that's what 'we' did, lying in his arms all safe and secure, so happy. I'm afraid that might take time, I can't pretend it will be easy because it isn't.

I'm really sorry going out wasn't a help. But at least you made the effort and went. Music is so very emotive though, it's like the most painful and poignant lyrics seek us out. When he dumped me the first time, Adele was everywhere - to this day, I cannot listen to her music, neither can I listen to Star Sailor as I listened to them a lot when we first got together and however much I like them, they are just too ingrained in associations from a happy time. I've listened to Foo Fighters pretty much constantly for the last year but can no longer listen to Best of You, not now he is with someone else. Against my better judgement, I was persuaded to go to a club last year. I was doing ok - pretending, as usual, to be enjoying myself - until 'our' song came on (not even soppy rubbish, something by the Killers actually) and I ended up in a sobbing puddle in public, utterly shameful! I listened to nothing at all for about 5 months afterwards and I have a friend who didn't listen to music for 3 years after her break up. (now she is so happily married to the most wonderful man while this other man told her he will always regret letting her go, even though he is also married - my friend, on the other hand, is eternally grateful to be where she now is).

He also has every other weekend off and not knowing where he is or what he is doing is still painful - at first, it was a constant torment and you just go over the routine in your mind of what you should be doing, what you would normally be doing. Again, this is a long road that has to be gone down. If you cry, so what? Don't be embarrassed, it's a good outlet.

You are doing well in not turning to drink. I did. In fact,that's all I did and I barely ate. I was a bag of bones but I didn't care. It was almost as if I wanted to externalise my internal pain and heartbreak. My size 8 clothes hung off me. I would get in from work at 5.15 and just head straight for the fridge - if I didn't have at least 2 bottles of wine in the fridge, i'd get panicky. I'm ok now though, and back to 'normal' drinking now, in fact I hardly ever have wine in now. Last Christmas - which I spent alone, by choice - I had a cheese sandwich for lunch, punishing myself in a way because the Christmas before had been blissful and I knew he would be celebrating Christmas at his parent's, a 5 minute walk from my house, with this bitch who replaced me.

It's early days for you Steven, it's going to be a difficult path but you know that. The best advice I was given and which stuck - and which was the turning point in a way for me (although the inner sadness is ever present, he was my 'one' for all his stupid faults, still is and always will be - I'd had other break ups and relationships but this was massively different and I'm no spring chicken, I'm old enough to know my mind and to know better) was to dig deep. Every time I see his car drive past mine on the road, every time I drive past his parents or his office (all within 5 minutes of my house) I 'dig deep' and grit my teeth. Thank God, despite the close proximity, I have never seen him with this bitch and for that I am thankful as I know I would not deal well with it.

I am always more than happy to listen, Steven, however often you like - it's what you need when you are in this position and when your friends (like mine now, and I also know it's not always easy for fellas to talk to their mates) no longer want to listen. To them, it's clear cut - they say 'he's a piece of sh*t, not worth it, an oddball who you were always too good for, move on, you'll find someone else.' They haven't a clue.

Peversely, a hug doesn't make me feel better as the only one - apart from my son - that I get comfort from hugging is him.

Oh, and don't worry about being a mug by forking out for those tickets - I spent £800+ taking him on a surprise holiday for his birthday just 2 months before he finally dumped me. I also took him to a beautiful country house hotel for afternoon tea where he ordered 2 glasses of Champagne, which I was paying for on my little salary, before going back to our hotel - which again I was paying for. Do you know where he took me for breakfast the next day? Asda! That's how much I meant and how much he appreciated the lovely weekend I'd given him (and then he dumped me, over more Champagne in Kendals the same weekend!).

Edited September 8, 2012 by Jingle14

September 8, 2012

yes it was the right thing to do last night not texting her but i feel i need to

shout out WHY!!! but i cant i want her to see how i am but i cant, i hate

weekends she off, i always got a text at night, saying am home ste after she

got in from work, where and how did it go wrong :-( lost littel more weight no

happy about that, just cant seem to eat alot, if i could bottle a broken heart

and sell it on the slimmers market i be rich in secs lol

jingle your boyfriends sound a right *******, leaving you 8 week after you spent

£800 on him, how sad is he, no respect at all, glad you sorted the drinking down

its a slippery slope, using it as a crutch, it does the opposite to me make its full

on the pain,

my ex lives about 15mins away but she never comes in my town so i hope to

never see her, that's so hard to say(

you really have been through a bad time with him haven't you , hes don't alot

of damage, but it will repair its self that i do know

yeah my friend are not really there and like you say they haven't a clue my

mate never gone threw its so hard to tell some what the hell going on inside

so i don't try , i feel so tired of thinking glad when this weekends over,

well we can support each other and try and get out of this dark place that

suddenly became are friend,

September 9, 2012

yes it was the right thing to do last night not texting her but i feel i need to
shout out WHY!!! but i cant i want her to see how i am but i cant, i hate
weekends she off, i always got a text at night, saying am home ste after she
got in from work, where and how did it go wrong :-( lost littel more weight no
happy about that, just cant seem to eat alot, if i could bottle a broken heart
and sell it on the slimmers market i be rich in secs lol

jingle your boyfriends sound a right *******, leaving you 8 week after you spent
£800 on him, how sad is he, no respect at all, glad you sorted the drinking down
its a slippery slope, using it as a crutch, it does the opposite to me make its full
on the pain,

my ex lives about 15mins away but she never comes in my town so i hope to
never see her, that's so hard to say(

you really have been through a bad time with him haven't you , hes don't alot
of damage, but it will repair its self that i do know

yeah my friend are not really there and like you say they haven't a clue my
mate never gone threw its so hard to tell some what the hell going on inside
so i don't try , i feel so tired of thinking glad when this weekends over,

well we can support each other and try and get out of this dark place that
suddenly became are friend,

I know, you just want answers to be able to make sense of it or understand it. I got mixed messages - going hot and cold, wanting to see me and then not, texting good morning/night messages and then not and making me feel I was intruding or an annoyance if I sent him one of those messages (in the early days, he wanted to hear from me, I wasn't the one who changed and I don't know when it did, he moved the goalposts, not me). Also as the attraction was still very strong on both sides, I found that confusing as whenever I have been withdrawing from someone, attraction was the first thing to start going but, with us, it never did. Even now, he still finds me attractive but I'm obviously so horrible he doesn't want to actually be with me. Has she ever given you a reason or did she literally just walk and that was it after you got back from holiday? It doesn't make sense when there's no closure.

Just tried to send you a private message but it says you've blocked them. Let me know if that changes as I can 'speak' with you via that route if you don't mind?

Just got home from taking my son to his football match and 'his' car was in the drive at his parents. It's just a continual reminder and I hate it. Of course then my imagination goes into overdrive and I assume he's there having a lovely time with the bitch. Just knowing he's there though, at the end of my street - so near and so far and I have no idea what he's doing anymore, I am nothing to him or to his life when we used to be each other's life (he said I was the most important person in his life next to his child), he was mine and now he is not - makes it very difficult. It's a reminder that he does still exist. Its gone cloudy here now and I'm glad because the car he is in today is a convertible (with a stupid, pretentious private plate, he bought the car this year but I always encouraged him to buy it when he mentioned he wanted one - drives around with this bitch in it now though, I never got to share his dream with him!) and I hope it pours down! (spiteful I know but he made me this way!).

Yes he has very badly damaged me. I don't believe it will repair though as I am getting worse, harder, more bitter, just downright horrible (I walk past people holding hands and just can't help saying BS, because that's all I think it is now. I also know that one of them will end up in tears one day). I'm worse now than the day he dumped me. He literally has destroyed my faith in human nature. I hope you don't get like this.

I was in Manchester with my friend (to lay some ghosts to rest, and my first visit in almost a year) in May/June and some fella came up chatting to me. I was appalled and sent him off with a sharp word. He said 'blimey, someone's done a number on you, haven't they'. That's not nice, is it, he only came to say hello. That's how I feel though.

Strangely, my (supposedly broken hearted) ex husband started seeing someone else within 6 weeks of my leaving him. They are still together while our supposed 'grand romance' is long over. Serves me right. I'm not ready to look at anyone else 15 months on, so it shows how much I meant to my ex husband too, who I'd been with for 23 years, clearly I'm no big deal or loss to anyone.

Edited September 9, 2012 by Jingle14

September 9, 2012

You can't PM each other until you've either been here a month or made over 100 posts.

Or both. Not sure which.... the latter I think.

And do NOT exchange email addresses on line. I think you'll find it's frowned upon, just to let you know....

September 9, 2012

You can't PM each other until you've either been here a month or made over 100 posts.
Or both. Not sure which.... the latter I think.

And do NOT exchange email addresses on line. I think you'll find it's frowned upon, just to let you know....

Thanks for this, and no would definitely not be doing that - goodness knows what would turn up in the inbox!!

September 9, 2012

hiya jingle

yes course you can message me but ive looked and cant find an option for it

and ive not been here for a month i would give you my Email address but look

like its not aloud and cant think of any over way of pming me hmm let me think

about that one lol

how are you today ? i feel a little better today its ups and downs with me

horrible, did you do anything last night? i stay in watch some Tv

You came to Manchester, and a bloke siad or tried to chat you up, dont blame

yourself that boyfriend destroyed almost all you emotions its like having million piece jigsaw of a map of your life, then one-day someone decide i think i will

smash this jigsaw to pieces, then you have to start 1 by 1 picking them up

and putting them back together, you are picking them up but not sure where they go, and sometimes we need someone just to help to pick them up with you :-)

23 years with your husband your really not had much luck well me and you both, and stop de-valuing yourself you have just met the wrong men and some of

us are like that we just seem to met the careless kind me included lol

yes it must be so hard to live near him, i live abour 20 mins from her god knows what i would do if i see her with someone else it would kill my inside

i pray to god i never do,

why did she leave me...well on the wensday she said would i stay at hers on Saturday, well i thought she was staying at mine because i said shell we going out near mine on Saturday night she said fine and smiled, so when she asked if i was staying at hers , i said i would think about it... so she got the funnies with me, come Thursday morning i texting her good morning then started

another text asking can you pick me up, i will stay tonight "Thursday" before i could send it i got a text saying not happy with this relationship need couple of days to think, i thought wow i only said i will think about it so we fell out didn't text for 2 day i text saying why, get a text back "calling it a day! I rang her she told me some really meaning less small reasons why i got very upset put the phone down ... she text me hour later hope your ok, got a text few days later go talk to your friends and see a doctor for something temporary i thought that was so low cold and horrible to say like i had a common cold and it would be gone in a day or so.... NC since

am starting to think i was with someone with a swinging brick for a heart the

more i think about it

Edited September 9, 2012 by stemac

September 9, 2012

hiya jingle

yes course you can message me but ive looked and cant find an option for it
and ive not been here for a month i would give you my Email address but look
like its not aloud and cant think of any over way of pming me hmm let me think
about that one lol

how are you today ? i feel a little better today its ups and downs with me
horrible, did you do anything last night? i stay in watch some Tv

You came to Manchester, and a bloke siad or tried to chat you up, dont blame
yourself that boyfriend destroyed almost all you emotions its like having million piece jigsaw of a map of your life, then one-day someone decide i think i will
smash this jigsaw to pieces, then you have to start 1 by 1 picking them up
and putting them back together, you are picking them up but not sure where they go, and sometimes we need someone just to help to pick them up with you :-)

23 years with your husband your really not had much luck well me and you both, and stop de-valuing yourself you have just met the wrong men and some of
us are like that we just seem to met the careless kind me included lol

yes it must be so hard to live near him, i live abour 20 mins from her god knows what i would do if i see her with someone else it would kill my inside
i pray to god i never do,

why did she leave me...well on the wensday she said would i stay at hers on Saturday, well i thought she was staying at mine because i said shell we going out near mine on Saturday night she said fine and smiled, so when she asked if i was staying at hers , i said i would think about it... so she got the funnies with me, come Thursday morning i texting her good morning then started
another text asking can you pick me up, i will stay tonight "Thursday" before i could send it i got a text saying not happy with this relationship need couple of days to think, i thought wow i only said i will think about it so we fell out didn't text for 2 day i text saying why, get a text back "calling it a day! I rang her she told me some really meaning less small reasons why i got very upset put the phone down ... she text me hour later hope your ok, got a text few days later go talk to your friends and see a doctor for something temporary i thought that was so low cold and horrible to say like i had a common cold and it would be gone in a day or so.... NC since

am starting to think i was with someone with a swinging brick for a heart the
more i think about it

You keep sayining things that I am familiar with! My friend who I have known for over 30 years said to me, when I was with 'him' - 'blimey, you have a heart where a brick used to swing'. She was right, only now the brick is firmly back in place.

I have just got back from a night out with my friend in a pub a 3 minute walk from 'his' house - we used to go there, in fact he said he thought I was parading him round 'like a trophy' when I suggested going there for a drink. To me, it was just a night with my fella, nothing more, he chose to read more into it but he was wrong.

If you click onto my name, there should be an option to send a private message.

Bit too typsy right now to add anything else but will catch up tomorrow.

ps) not a great day though, although I pretended otherwise

September 10, 2012

You keep sayining things that I am familiar with! My friend who I have known for over 30 years said to me, when I was with 'him' - 'blimey, you have a heart where a brick used to swing'. She was right, only now the brick is firmly back in place.

I have just got back from a night out with my friend in a pub a 3 minute walk from 'his' house - we used to go there, in fact he said he thought I was parading him round 'like a trophy' when I suggested going there for a drink. To me, it was just a night with my fella, nothing more, he chose to read more into it but he was wrong.

If you click onto my name, there should be an option to send a private message.

Bit too typsy right now to add anything else but will catch up tomorrow.

ps) not a great day though, although I pretended otherwise

hiya sent you a private message not sure if its working or not

let me know if it isnt :-)

steven

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