Girlie Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 I just needed somewhere to vent tonight. I've been dating this guy for over a year and I thought things were moving along nicely. He hadn't said I love you, but I figured maybe he was just scared or cautious, so I tried to let it go, even though it totally sucked saying I love you to someone while getting only a thank you in return. I got up the nerve to have a serious conversation with him about it, and he said that he couldn't say something that was a lie. I'm devastated. I never once thought to myself that he wasn't saying it because he wasn't sure how he felt about me....I thought if that were the case, he would have been more up front about it. Would have told me when I said it..."hey, I'm not sure if I feel that strongly about you." I feel horrible. I feel jipped. I feel heartbroken. I wish I could go into more detail, but I can't even think straight. I just wanted somewhere to express the pain, vent it off a little bit. If you're reading this, thanks for doing so. I just don't even know what to think.
loolinooni Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 I don't really know what to say other than "no guy is worth your tears and the one who is will never make you cry"
swtbonita Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 a year and he doesn't know if he loves you.. Personally i think that you are just wasting your time with his guy.. you need to find a guy that knows what he wants..
Author Girlie Posted July 20, 2004 Author Posted July 20, 2004 I know. The thing is, I feel like I was given every indication in the past that he did know.....he just wasn't ready to come out and say it. That's always the impression I've been given by him. Now after a freakin year....Oi. I could scream.
swtbonita Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 has he actually told you how he feels, even though he hasn't said i love you... like has he given an indication that he sees a future with you and wants to be with you.. maybe you should ask him how he sees the relationship, where he thinks he's at in the relationship and where he wants the relationship is going.. I once read an article that said if you are not sure about the relationship at six months then you should break it off, because after 6 months you should only be with a person if you can see a future with them..
Author Girlie Posted July 20, 2004 Author Posted July 20, 2004 We've made a lot of plans together for our future. "Our future." Ugh. We've talked about houses and kids and he said that I was meant for him & kept asking if I was "His." But I don't get it....plans with someone when you don't even know whether you love them or not? I don't want to plan my life with someone who doesn't know. What is that about? I've been through a year of ups and downs for this man...the downs of which were hell...given up going home after college to stay here with him...and now I feel like a total and utter fool. An idiot. UGH. I would never have done any of those things if he had been up front. I just don't get it.
Curt Posted July 20, 2004 Moderators Posted July 20, 2004 Girlie, I'm sorry that you have had to deal with this type of behavior from someone you placed so much faith in. Vent away, but also come to terms with the fact that the most reasonable and appropriate decision you can make now is to put him behind you, and move on. His behavior sounds wishy-washy at best, and who knows ... perhaps a little flaky at the worst. You appear from your post to be a very sweet, giving person. If same is true offline, know that there are (believe it or not) a number of guys still out there that will treat you for the good person you are. Move on, hunn. Curt
Author Girlie Posted July 20, 2004 Author Posted July 20, 2004 Thanks Curt. I think the most disturbing thing about this is that it's bringing to light a nasty pattern of falling head over heals with men who are TOTAL and COMPLETE commitment phobes. Disturbing...... I just really thought that this one would be different, but then again, I always think that.
Whoahhgirl Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 I feel your pain. I know what it's like to be with somone who is a complete comittment coward. If I may ask, what's the status of your relationship now? Are you two still together? Like you, I found it hard to believe a man would even talk about such serious issues when he didn't love the person. (House, kids and etc) I wish you luck and hope you feel better.
August Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 I can relate. I also am in love with a guy who says he does not love me, but "cares for me deeply". He always shows concern for me, like when I am out alone he tells me to be careful, and he worries about my well being, etc. In my situation, I think he is holding back, not allowing himself to fall in love with me. He keeps telling me he is not ready for a relationship and I think he feels that being in love with someone is synonymous with being in a relationship. Could this be how your guy is also feeling? Good luck to you.
Author Girlie Posted July 20, 2004 Author Posted July 20, 2004 At this point, we are still together as I just found this all out last night and have been in too much of a state of shock to do anything. He doesn't want to break up, and makes it sound as if he will learn to love me. I'm still trying to process all of this, and make sense of it. I know I'll probably never quite grasp it because I would never do this to someone, but I guess it's human nature to try to understand what's going through their head. Most of all, I just feel stupid for letting myself get in so deep. Then again, it's not like he discouraged me from doing so. He's been letting me believe that he loved me for over a year. If he didn't know, he should have said something. I don't want someone to have to learn to love me, or whatever. That just stings. Right now, I just want to hide in my covers all day and cry.
mitch6662004 Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 Hi there. I am in the same situation except that I am that guy. My girlfriend loves me tremendously, but I can't say it back to her. We have been together for almost a year now. Awhile back when she asked me if I loved her, I kind of hesitated and said something like I don't love you, but I have feelings for you. I can't remember it exactly, but very similar to your situation. I really don't know what to do anymore. I have told her that it's my problem and not hers and not for her to beat herself up over it. I told her I needed some time alone to really think about things. She thinks it's easy for me and wonders how it can be that way. I told her this isn't easy at all for me. I don't want to lose her, but I'm afraid that if we stay together things won't change and I won't be able to give her what she deserves. I have begun reading a book recently entitled "Men Who Can't Love". This book has a lot of things similar to me and the relationships I have had. I actually bought another copy and had it sent to my girlfriend. I think she is looking for answers I can't give her, so I figured if she reads this book she will find the answers she is looking for. It will probably be the end of the relationship, but I think she will be better off for it. I wish I could change and snap my fingers and be IN love with her, but I can't. She thinks that when you find someone you love, saying it to her and showing her you love her will be easy. I just say I don't know if that will ever happen with me.
Curt Posted July 20, 2004 Moderators Posted July 20, 2004 Nobody should have to learn to love someone. It reduces love to a task, almost a burden. Keeping the relationship healthy does take work, but even then, in a good relationship I would doubt that there is ever a question of whether or not there is love there. As I said previously, let go. His heart is not in this 1/4th of what yours is. How can such a situation ever work? Actually, I have a feeling that you already know that it cannot. Curt
Author Girlie Posted July 21, 2004 Author Posted July 21, 2004 Oh, Yea, I mean, I know this isn't the way things are supposed to be...Believe me. I'm just in so much pain right now that I feel like a zombie. I feel dazed and have never felt this kind of pain before. I guess I just never even thought about things turning out this way. I guess maybe I should have. My first time being in love...who knew it would be such a mess? And thank you, Mitch, for your input. I have no idea if he feels anything like you, obviously. I wish you luck in finding your way down your path. I've read the book "Men Who Can't Love" and think it's a very good one.
rogueless Posted August 7, 2004 Posted August 7, 2004 I was in the same situation. After about 8 months of serious dating, I finally uttered those 3 little words to him. No "I love you" back. We discussed this and he stated, "Do you want me to say something I do not mean?" Of course I stated no. After a total of 2 years of this, still no "I love you" back. He stated, "I am slow at these things." To which I responded, "After two years, if you do not love me you never will." Leaving him was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
aunnierah Posted August 13, 2004 Posted August 13, 2004 My man has been doing the same thing to me we where together for 3 years before i left to get off pills it took my man a year to let me come home we loved each outher so much and told it to one another all the time now that we are back together he never tells me it has been 4 months that we have been together ther is no telling me he loves me and not sexual effection at all he blames being fat but i dont agree he has been big the hole time we have been togetheri also feel left out in the cold where did his love for me go i love him more then anything or anyone and i feel the need to tell him but when i do i get a silence that hurts me i want him to tell me also but he has also stated he did not want to tell me a lie either its all comfusing but im trying to do things n are realationship to make him remember the reasons he fell in love with me the first time.i dont honestly think they dont love us i just think they are scaired they might love us moor then they can handle and they are men and cant help but hide there true feelings hang in there and dont beat your self up itll come to him you all i can say is i love him and thats why i still try
beautiful Posted August 19, 2004 Posted August 19, 2004 I don't think this has anything to do with the fact that he does not tell you he loves you. Those are just words! To many people say them in vain. People should look more towards actions rather then meaningless words that guys and gurls blabber out sometimes not meaning anything by it. There is something else going on here and it starts with you girlie. Find out what that is and then move on. I do not know you both and I believe there are 2 sides to each story however it seems to me that you have given up a lot, YOU not HIM, and now you angry because he does not feel the same as you in other words you are giving more then he does.....................there is a name for it it is called codependency. It is worth exploring for you ? Take care
aunnierah Posted August 20, 2004 Posted August 20, 2004 thank you for your reply ............there is alot going on with both of our feelings ...........hes not a talker at least not to me ............I am and I tell him how I feel and that is that I do love him so the words to me are my feelings ...........in the past he had no problum telling me that he loved me and I think it because he did........now I dont think he knows what he feels.........I would like to know but he wont say.....either way I just want to know his feeling because if he dont love me then I will make a decision and be able to go on to find some one that will........The reason I am holding on is that I honestly love this man and even tho we have gone through this **** I feel that if we both love each outher we can work things out on the flip side of things if the love is not there on his side I feel I deserve to know,because I feel I am a person with feelings and I deserve to be loved and feel loved and if its not there I deserve the chance to go search for it
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