Kincaid Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 My girlfriend and I used to have a pretty active sex life. We would have sex almost daily for the first 8 months or so, and afterward there was a decline. Honestly, I never cared much about sex as a guy. I would put up with it and do it mainly for her, because she had a crazy libido. We took a break after about 16 months and got back together after some time, we both changed and grew. When we were back together, at first it was the same. She practically raped me the day we got back together and I told her I wanted to keep it slow. Her intense interest was there for the first few months, then it stopped. She isn't in the mood much. Sure we cuddle and hold each other and make out sometimes, but sex is almost nonexistent now. We do it a couple times a month, and even then its a hassle. So tonight, since I took her on a road trip she jokingly said she would reward me with sex and I kept making a big deal about it. I could tell the entire time she wasn't really in the mood, and finally when we started I made a joking comment about her hair 'downstairs' and instead of shaking it off like normal, she pretended to get offended and got off and said she was done and wanted to cuddle and sleep. I kinda snapped at that point, tired of going through hoops for sex. I told her it was normal for couples to have sex like multiple times a week and we do it monthly. I was frustrated and didn't understand why things changed dramatically, and its starting to make me feel like there is something wrong with me. She replied with, 'I just don't really feel in the mood. Its not with just you, its everything. There is nothing wrong when it comes to you.' I mean, she sounded sincere but I don't know how long I can buy this and what happened to kill her libido. My desire for sex is a normal thing and I don't want to feel bad about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 Is she on any drugs ? If it's not caused by something, and it's just how she feels ... then she doesn't love you. Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 If it's "everything" then get her to talk to a doctor. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 Is she on any drugs ? If it's not caused by something, and it's just how she feels ... then she doesn't love you. I'm sorry Radu, but that's bull. Libidos vary from person to person, and it's actually rare to find people who are a perfect match. Initially, the attraction is lustful, but any married couple will tell you, matters settle and the intensity and frequency tails off, changes, swings and alters according to many things. but it's not necessarily to do with Love. However, if the difference in Libido becomes so different, that it becomes an issue, then that leads to a whole lot of resentment, dissatisfaction and frustration - in any sense of the word. The problem is the lack of sex - and lack of sex (excuse the pun) gives birth to other issues.... And what the OP seems to have completely missed - even though he quoted it himself - is the "It's Everything" comment. you need to find out what the 'everything' is. 'Everything' in her mind, is rendering sex impossible. THAT'S where the issue is.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 OP, before you took the break, how often did you have sex ? It would help if you said how it evolved, after the first 8months to the point of break-up. Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 (edited) I dont go for bait and switches in dating. Doesnt matter if its sex or the girls general personality. You started dating the women she used to be...and if talking cant get you guys back to the good times, Id just cut bait and move on. Get down to the root of the issue OP...but know this most likely wont change. Usually when sex dwindles down to the amount your getting, things generally never go back to being the way they used to be. I think shes checking out of the relationship in her mind and thus it affects her sex drive for you. Read the numerous threads of girl does thing to their men, or in the cases of guys doing this to their women. In my experience, and from everything Ive seen...when one person stops wanting sex and then they dont open up to theirpartner with exactly why they are acting different...its usually their partner thats the cause. Just my honest assessment. Good luck Edited September 3, 2012 by kaylan 1 Link to post Share on other sites
meeji Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 If it's "everything" then get her to talk to a doctor. I don't understand why this was the first thing that popped into your mind.Maybe something is wrong with the relationship. She did say she needed prozac Link to post Share on other sites
meeji Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 I'm sorry Radu, but that's bull. Libidos vary from person to person, and it's actually rare to find people who are a perfect match. Initially, the attraction is lustful, but any married couple will tell you, matters settle and the intensity and frequency tails off, changes, swings and alters according to many things. but it's not necessarily to do with Love. However, if the difference in Libido becomes so different, that it becomes an issue, then that leads to a whole lot of resentment, dissatisfaction and frustration - in any sense of the word. The problem is the lack of sex - and lack of sex (excuse the pun) gives birth to other issues.... And what the OP seems to have completely missed - even though he quoted it himself - is the "It's Everything" comment. you need to find out what the 'everything' is. 'Everything' in her mind, is rendering sex impossible. THAT'S where the issue is.... BINGO! I agree. There has to be somethings she's not telling you. That something could be anything from the relationship is not working like she would like or to some external factor that is affecting her mood, which then impacts your relationship. Lemme ask you this..... if she simply had sex with you would be be satisfied? What if she wasn't into it? Are you concerned about her feelings or what she wants or are you only concerned about getting your reward? You should have realized before this conversation that something is wrong. You should be concerned about your girlfriend, not just sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 My girlfriend and I used to have a pretty active sex life. We would have sex almost daily for the first 8 months or so, and afterward there was a decline. Honestly, I never cared much about sex as a guy. I would put up with it and do it mainly for her, because she had a crazy libido. We took a break after about 16 months and got back together after some time, we both changed and grew. Do you think she could sense that you were just 'putting up with it'? When we were back together, at first it was the same. She practically raped me the day we got back together and I told her I wanted to keep it slow. Her intense interest was there for the first few months, then it stopped. She isn't in the mood much. Sure we cuddle and hold each other and make out sometimes, but sex is almost nonexistent now. We do it a couple times a month, and even then its a hassle. During the first few months, were you more enthusiastic and proactive about sex than before, or were you still in 'putting up with it' mode? Do you think she was satisfied with the sex during the first few months? So tonight, since I took her on a road trip she jokingly said she would reward me with sex and I kept making a big deal about it. I could tell the entire time she wasn't really in the mood, and finally when we started I made a joking comment about her hair 'downstairs' and instead of shaking it off like normal, she pretended to get offended and got off and said she was done and wanted to cuddle and sleep. 'Shaking it off like normal'? So... you normally make 'joking comments' about her pubic hair during sex? Why are you so certain that she's just 'pretending' to get offended? Honestly, that comment sounds like the least sexy and appealing thing you could ever say during sex. I kinda snapped at that point, tired of going through hoops for sex. I told her it was normal for couples to have sex like multiple times a week and we do it monthly. I was frustrated and didn't understand why things changed dramatically, and its starting to make me feel like there is something wrong with me. She replied with, 'I just don't really feel in the mood. Its not with just you, its everything. There is nothing wrong when it comes to you.' And... you didn't pursue this? Surely you would have asked her what was wrong with 'everything', like how most people who care about their partner would? I mean, she sounded sincere but I don't know how long I can buy this and what happened to kill her libido. My desire for sex is a normal thing and I don't want to feel bad about it. I dunno, there are a helluva lot of 'mememe's here and very little description of any sort of genuine attempt on your part to improve your sex life, mend things, or find out what is wrong. I could be wrong and you might not have mentioned what you did - in that case, I would appreciate clarification. But from what I'm seeing, you never did put any effort or enthusiasm into sex and only started missing it when her libido dropped BELOW yours, and you STILL aren't putting any effort into working with her to figure out what's wrong. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KraftDinner Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 Yeah, what did you say about her pubes? Is this a regular thing, you commenting on them? Talk about making her feel unsexy!!! Maybe she wasn't 'pretending' she was mad! Wth! Who makes jokes about someone's body while they're having sex? Total mood killer. I don't understand what about that is so hard to get. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 you need to find out what the 'everything' is. 'Everything' in her mind, is rendering sex impossible. THAT'S where the issue is.... I agree. If she is evasive in sitting down with you to fully discuss this, you might want to precipitate a discussion by backing off on the 'cuddles' supply, though others might consider that being petty. One thing that would **** me to hear from a gf is...' reward me with sex'. The relationship is on the skids to a cliff then. OP - I wonder if there are lingering issues from whatever it was that you two broke up over...or....maybe lingering resentment over your feelings towards daily sex from early on in the relationship. Did you seek her out to get back together? Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 I think this is related to your breakup/getting back together again OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Greznog Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 Find someone else to have sex with. Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 I don't understand why this was the first thing that popped into your mind.Maybe something is wrong with the relationship. She did say she needed prozac well, the first thing that popped into my mind was that she might have a mental health condition, like depression, but then I considered that she might have a hormonal imbalance or a diet problem. When "everything" is wrong, a medical opinion seems like a smart move. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 First 8 month was sex daily, what was the level in the last eight? Can you superimpose the timeline of your relationship issues with how sex tapered off for the last 8 months? Why did the two of you take a break after sixteen months and were there any trust issues that might be causing her current disinterest? Women don't go from high drive for 8 solid months, to total disinterest for no reason at all. This isn't a bait and switch situation. Link to post Share on other sites
BS76 Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 Check out the blog Married Man Sex Life. He'd got tons of advice for guys in sexless relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
udolipixie Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 Probably best suited to dump her and seek a partner with the same drive as you or seek an open relationships so you're no longer snapping at your partner for not spreading her legs for you. In my opinion your desire for sex is a normal thing and it seems normal for most men the way you're going about attaining it ala snapping at her for not doing as you want and insistent she puts out with no to little attempt to genuinely attract her or effort to finding out why she lacks the desire. Though it's probably better suited to find out why she lacks desire and attempt to attract and arouse her rather than think she's not putting out I'm reaching my limit. Link to post Share on other sites
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