mfluder Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Hi, this is the first time I have posted on here and I have read a lot of threads that have helped me a lot and I feel like it's a good place for me to get some things off my chest and I hope some of the kind people on here can listen and maybe give me some advice on how to cope with this. Maybe some book suggestions, that would be nice. OK, I am a gay man and have recently come out of a nine month relationship. I am 27 and he was 21. I felt very close to this guy, and shared a lot of things with him that I haven't shared in the past. I trusted him with my heart I guess, which I have been reluctant to do with anyone in the past, and I have ended up being hurt big time from it. Towards the end of June my partner said that he wanted a month break from me to decide what he wanted to do. He wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. All of my friends told me that he is probably seeing somebody else, and that break means break-up, but I didn't want to believe that or accept that. He couldn't do that to me, surely? The break was hard, and during the break I did contact him a few times, and I was also suspicious that he was seeing somebody that he had recently friended on Facebook but I didn't want to believe that fact. Fast forward to a month later and after me asking him what he had decided (I had to ask, which should have been a warning sign within itself) he told me that he had decided to end it. It upset me, but he wanted to remain friends, and out of sheer idiocy I accepted his proposal and he came to see me a few days later. He suggested before we meet that we just "pretend like nothing had happened" and be just friends. That upset me a bit. I asked him if we could talk about it, because I still had questions unanswered and wanted to gain some kind of closure. He agreed. I asked him why he had decided to end it, and he came up with numerous reasons. He didn't want to be with anyone, he feels like he's too young, it wasn't anything to do with me so much as himself, he thought he knew what he wanted but he didn't, you get the picture. It was odd seeing him again, and I felt pretty empty when he left, but I accepted that we could still be friends even though on retrospect it was probably a bad idea because I still had feelings for him. Cut to a few weeks later and to where I am now. I am moving house next week and suggested it would be good if we could see each other before I moved. He agreed and said he would come and see me on a specific day. He never showed. This happened three times, and after the third time he updates his Facebook to say that he has moved house. I know it shouldn't have bothered me, but it did. I was upset and angry that he didn't tell me, that he had possibly just lied to me about maintaining a friendship to make himself feel better about ending it all. I confronted him on it, and he said that my reaction was stupid and that I need to get over myself. I told him that he should have just been honest with me, that the friendship he wanted was just a way for him to feel better about ending it, and that he has no real intentions of staying friends because of his actions. He lashed out at me, saying that he hasn't moved far, that he was reluctant to see me because all I would talk about is how bad I feel, and that I need to move on. He then said that he genuinely wanted a friendship but now doesn't want one because of how I have acted. He then blocked and deleted me. After he had blocked me, he updated his Facebook to say that he had really moved into his new boyfriend's flat, naming his boyfriend as the one I had suspicions over. He told me to my face when we met again that there was nothing going on, that he had talked to him but that was it, and now to know the truth, that he had been seeing him during our break, that he has treated me this badly, I was very angry. I fired off an e-mail, calling him things that I cannot repeat on here, and asking him to never speak to me ever again. It's been about six hours since I sent that e-mail, and I feel rotten inside. I feel betrayed, definitely, but I also feel like I should have known and that I should have gone with my gut instincts. I feel like a fool. I also feel ashamed for allowing myself to lose control and message him such a nasty message. I can justify it by telling myself that he treated me so poorly so he deserves it, but I'm not a nasty person, and even though he treated me awfully I would hate to upset him. How messed up is that? I guess I'm basically worried I will never truly get over this and never let anyone in again. It kills me to think that he is happy with someone else and doesn't care about me, not even to apologise for his actions and all of his lying. I still find it hard to believe because I thought he wasn't like this. My trust has been destroyed. I also feel bad for lashing out at him in reaction to discovering his lying. My friends tell me I need to get some self respect. I don't know how to. I really need some advice here. How do I deal with this? Was I right to react the way I did? Any book suggestions? If you have been through something similar I would love to hear from you. If you managed to read all of that, I guess a congratulations is in order!
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