very very sad

[Agni]

I am feeling horrendously sad today. I need to study but all I can do is cry and sleep. I'm tormented by thoughts about why my ex left me, and why he was unkind to me afterwards. He is a great guy, and I thought if nothing else he cared for me. It hurts so much I feel like I have no light left in my life.

 

We broke up 4 months ago, pretty much NC since then, but I have so many questions for him, that sometimes I want answered. A part of me aches for us to get back together, and the other part is so wounded by his behavior.

 

I need help and I don't know how to heal. Thanks for listening.

[lovehurts82]

Perhaps you can give a bit more on the relationship or what happened with the breakup? But the bottom line is, you really just have to force yourself to pick up and move on. If you have things around you that remind you of him, put them away, out of sight, or even get rid of them.. or ask someone to hold them for you for now. Get busy with keeping yourself busy. Find a new hobby. Pick back up an old one. Go hang out with friends.. family. Do things that make you feel better. Go out and go for a walk.. hit the gym.. work out.. get a fab new haircut/color. All of these are things that I did and they have really helped me. NC is a must, though. It helps to keep him out of your mind as much as possible and allows your wounds to heal. But the bottom line is, you have to take care of yourself and work on bettering your own life without him now. Don't dwell on the idea of the two of you getting back together, because it might not happen. Hang in there though and keep us posted! If you feel like you need to get your questions out, write them here! Even though it's not likely that he will see them and they'll probably not be answered by him, at least you can get them out there. Sometimes it helps just to get some of your thoughts and questions out or your mind and out some place solid. Take care and healing wishes for you!

[mpa]

I'm sorry you're going through this and I know how hard it can be.

 

When my ex broke up with me 3 months ago I initially had a LOT of questions. I wrote him the longest email of my life a few days later saying/asking everything.. he responded but didn't actually answer my questions or address my concerns. So I took that to mean that I'll probably never know his perspective. It would be more frustrating for me to keep trying to get answers from someone who has no interest in talking things out than it would be to just not contact him, so I let it go, didn't even respond to his email.

 

It definitely helps to write it all down. I have a notebook full of all my thoughts on the relationship. If you ever feel like texting or calling him, just write. And definitely get rid of (or at least hide) everything that reminds you of him. It makes a worlds of difference to not have reminders of him everywhere you look. And don't get drunk and listen to Adele!

[Agni]

thank you both of you. on paper I've done everything "right." I haven't contacted him, nor do I have plans to. I give myself credit for that because I think many people in my shoes would have tried to beat down his door with questions. I also knew at the time of our break up that he was confused and convoluted in his thinking, that I would not get clear answers for everything. So I left it alone.

 

Since our break up 4 months ago, I became a certified fitness instructor, moved to a different town, bought a car, and began medical school. Totally starting over in a new place, but I can't seem to forget him. No one looking at me from the outside can tell me I'm not doing the right things. On the outside, I'm doing it right. On the inside, I'm an absolute mess.

If I say that with a little frustration, well, it's because it is frustrating to hear the "just get a new hobby" argument. A new hobby can't compare to the love I have for this guy, or heal how badly my heart is hurting.

 

Perhaps the deeper thing in me that needs to change is to stop beating myself up for the breakup. At one level, I still don't know why he broke up with me. He said he loved me but his heart was blocked. He said we're " not in harmony." Just vague stuff. To me, if you love someone, you work on things. He never could express to me what wasn't working for him so there wasn't even a chance to see if it could be shifted. He just analyzed me and one fine day decided I wasn't enough. At least that's how it feels.

 

I feel heartbroken because I thought he --and our relationship--were both better than that. I thought at the least we could discuss things and work on making them better, and if they didn't get better, then ok, a breakup would make sense. I feel bewildered that he dropped me cold turkey.

 

He declares himself to be deeply spiritual. I see nothing spiritual about treating another human being, a woman who you claimed to love, have been initmate with and shared so much with--I see nothing spiritual about treating them with disrespect and unkindness. I'm so mad at him for that.

 

I'm mad at myself for still feeling more awful. I can barely concentrate on studying, and that's it's own issue for me. I've worked long and hard to get to medical school,and now that I'm here, I'm so wrapped up in my sadness that it's really affecting me. An advisor suggested I look into online support, so that's why I decided to join this forum. A place to get something out.

 

I'm too ashamed and frustarted to talk to my friends too much about this any more either. I fear being judged by them. I get annoyed at platitude statements. I want compassion and gentleness and understanding. And wise guidance. I want to feel uplifted, so that I can heal, and give back to this earth what I meant to. I feel like a demon hangs on my back every day and keeps me from making progress.

 

I miss him so much. It kills me inside to think (and I don't know if this is true or not) that he doesn't miss me or care about me. To feel like our relationship and our love meant nothing to him. He told me once that if we broke up, he'd be devastated inside too. Are guys just better at hiding and detaching?

 

I can't stop thinking about this. I spend hours alone in my room trying to study and focus and the sadness and confusion just overwhelm me. I need to find a way to manage that at the very least so I can keep on track.

 

Kind feedback is appreciated.

[stemac]

Agni

 

You are hurt "broken hearted" there is no

Special way to cope with it, you have to

Grit your teeth and take it on, head on

I know it's not easy it's not easy one bit

I know because I am going through it now

It's coming up to 4 weeks. I think as its been

I bit of a blur for me as I was in such a

State, Only time can help you to heal

But remember you not on your own anytime

You need to chat or advice come here, there

Are lots of good people ready to help and support

You

 

I know it's very hard but oneday you will look

Back and say I got through that

 

Take care

[mpa]

Have you thought about seeing a therapist? I started shortly after my ex broke up with me, and it's made a big difference to talk to someone who is removed from the situation. I also feel like my friends will judge me if I talk about it too much so it's been helpful to talk to someone else, and totally be selfish about it. After all, I'm paying this person to listen to me talk about myself, so it's easier.

It seems like you and I are taking similar actions as far as not contacting the ex, staying busy, etc. And my ex hasn't contacted me either. And honestly, I feel like he's doing me a favor by not contacting me, going cold turkey. I wouldn't want to be involved in any mind games if he were to check in on me or want to catch up. I've totally analyzed every part of our relationship and even though I don't have the answers from him, I think I've figured out that he's just not ready to be a grown up and have the responsibility of having a serious girlfriend. That's my general theory, and it could be totally wrong. It could be that he just didn't like me anymore. But by not actually getting answers from him, I get to control what I think the problem was.

One of my friends who is older and wiser and has been to hell and back with her husband told me that men are always just a few steps behind us. You should take this time to feel the pain, grieve, cry when you need to. And feel good about the fact that if he's detaching, he's just ignoring his feelings. And even though it hurts and it sucks, you will be stronger when you reach the other side. And he'll keep on ignoring things and at some point those feelings will implode inside of him and he'll find himself where you are now. And that might be happening now, but I generally think men are not encouraged to show their feelings, so they keep them to themselves and don't deal with them properly.

I'd actually be interested to hear from the men on here about the way they feel and deal with things after breaking up with someone.

[Agni]

Hi, thank you again. Your responses are what I need to hear. In the sense that they are empathetic and recognizing that this is a process just to go through. mpa I like how you said that I will be stronger when I reach the other side, and the perspective you gave on being able to control what you think the problem was. I would also be curious to know about how they feel and deal after breaking up with someone.

 

Out of curiousity, did you blame yourself for the break up at all? I guess it's partly normal. I fear that I stopped being inspiring to him or something, but now having gotten space from the relationship and thinking of EVERYTHING that happened, I don't think I did anything fundamentally wrong. I tried my best and I set boundaries so I didn't 'over-try." I did the best I could with the information he gave me, which towards the end, was very little, so I felt like I was playing a guessing game. I think it was his inability to love and commit in a way that would have soothed over our problems (our problems weren't even major). I just hate that he made it seem like "my fault" that his heart was blocked.

 

In any case, yes I will be stronger when I reach the other side. Sometimes I am so caught up in sadness I forget the strength that is there. Thank you.

[venusianx13]

Hi, I'm sorry you're going through such difficult emotions now. It's easy to forget that these feelings are temporary when they, at the moment, are so consuming and painful. I have been there before. Here's my experience: I was with a guy for 5+ years, and at one point, he broke up with me. It was about 2.5 years in, I believe. I went through the same kind of depression, excessive sleeping, poor eating habits, disinterest in life in general. However, there is a big difference in what you are doing and what I did. I did everything I possibly could to get him back. It wasn't until I made a point to make him jealous that he actually showed interest in me again. (Ugly thing for me to do, I now realize). I was totally manipulative. It was wrong on so many levels, and it goes deeper than just my desperation. That relationship should never have been rekindled. From there on, it was just literal hell which involved infidelity, dishonesty, and everything BUT love. I hung on for almost 3 more years after that. I wasted the latter part of my 20's on someone who simply did not love me. Real love never ever causes pain.

 

I am glad that you're maintaining NC. I think the best closure you can give yourself, that you OWE yourself, is to heal and keep your heart open for someone who will cherish and guard your heart. I went and read your original post about your break up, and you mention that your ex said, "...something didn't feel right." Well, he's right. Something's not right, and it has NOTHING to do with you. Give yourself the closure you need by letting him go and stay determined to come out of this happy and whole.

[mpa]

Initially I chalked it up to him and his problems. He's selfish with his time, he can't commit, he doesn't want to deal with anything real. In hindsight though, I realize that I ignored red flags and I should have communicated my concerns. I was afraid to find out that I wasn't a priority for him or that he wasn't taking it as seriously as I was, so I just let the relationship play itself out. We were not honest and open about what we expected from each other and wanted, and we should have been. That was both of us. I think if I had spoken up about my concerns I probably would have found out we weren't on the same page, but at least I wouldn't have gotten in as deep as I was. Or maybe he didn't even realize the impression he was giving me by always being late or by constantly being on his computer when we were hanging out. Who knows. I think it's important to reflect on the relationship and see where you might have gone wrong, but don't blame yourself for the entire thing.

I feel like this needed to happen to me - I have a lot of baggage from past relationships that I never dealt with and just ignored for years. For so long, I never let my guard down and allowed myself to be vulnerable, but I did with him. We weren't together too long, less than a year, but we were happy for most of it. Then it unraveled kind of quickly and left me devastated. But now I'm dealing with my past issues and learning so much about myself so I can hopefully be stronger in future relationships.

I still miss him a lot and feel sadness when I think about him and the good memories, but gradually it's gotten better. We actually met a year ago yesterday, so this weekend has been a little rough. But not nearly as rough as I thought it would be a month ago.

[Agni]

Mpa, it sounds like you are learning a lot about yourself through this process. I think it's interesting how you say you should have communicated your concerns, and were afraid to find out the "truth." Although this was not my personal experience with my current ex, I have seen my friends go through something similiar--avoid speaking up to avoid something bigger. I think it's mature of you to recognize that in yourself and take ownership for it.

 

It's good you can say "this needed to happen." To switch the conversation back to my situation, I sadly am no where near being able to say "this (break up) needed to happen." A part of my bewilderment and suffering I think lies in my belief that what needed to happen was a full commitment, and our relationship would have skyrocketed. In most of my past breakups, even if they were hard or sad, I had clarity that the relationship should no longer be.

 

In the case with my current ex, I do not feel that way. I feel we would blossom well together, and the caveat is that either he did not feel that way, or wasn't mature enough to show up fully. I was so willing to be patient with him (we had broken up once before). I guess this is a lesson in how unpredictable people can be, and it's important to still have a wide open loving heart.

 

Initially I chalked it up to him and his problems. He's selfish with his time, he can't commit, he doesn't want to deal with anything real. In hindsight though, I realize that I ignored red flags and I should have communicated my concerns. I was afraid to find out that I wasn't a priority for him or that he wasn't taking it as seriously as I was, so I just let the relationship play itself out. We were not honest and open about what we expected from each other and wanted, and we should have been. That was both of us. I think if I had spoken up about my concerns I probably would have found out we weren't on the same page, but at least I wouldn't have gotten in as deep as I was. Or maybe he didn't even realize the impression he was giving me by always being late or by constantly being on his computer when we were hanging out. Who knows. I think it's important to reflect on the relationship and see where you might have gone wrong, but don't blame yourself for the entire thing.

I feel like this needed to happen to me - I have a lot of baggage from past relationships that I never dealt with and just ignored for years. For so long, I never let my guard down and allowed myself to be vulnerable, but I did with him. We weren't together too long, less than a year, but we were happy for most of it. Then it unraveled kind of quickly and left me devastated. But now I'm dealing with my past issues and learning so much about myself so I can hopefully be stronger in future relationships.

I still miss him a lot and feel sadness when I think about him and the good memories, but gradually it's gotten better. We actually met a year ago yesterday, so this weekend has been a little rough. But not nearly as rough as I thought it would be a month ago.

[Agni]

Wow you were in a rough situation. I can empathize--I had a situation once that sounds similiar in terms of not having no contact, and the messiness of the situation. I'm sorry that you went through literal hell, and hope you are emerging with more love and greater self-love.

 

I have a hard time believing his line (my ex's) about the part of his head that says ugh. I attributed to fear and his fear of commitment. It's also

hard to feel that it has nothing to do with me, when he essentially alluded that it was me, not him. Ouch. I didn't even know the "me" that wasn't working for him, he even came back to me after we broke up once, wanting to make everything work. Sigh.

 

Hi, I'm sorry you're going through such difficult emotions now. It's easy to forget that these feelings are temporary when they, at the moment, are so consuming and painful. I have been there before. Here's my experience: I was with a guy for 5+ years, and at one point, he broke up with me. It was about 2.5 years in, I believe. I went through the same kind of depression, excessive sleeping, poor eating habits, disinterest in life in general. However, there is a big difference in what you are doing and what I did. I did everything I possibly could to get him back. It wasn't until I made a point to make him jealous that he actually showed interest in me again. (Ugly thing for me to do, I now realize). I was totally manipulative. It was wrong on so many levels, and it goes deeper than just my desperation. That relationship should never have been rekindled. From there on, it was just literal hell which involved infidelity, dishonesty, and everything BUT love. I hung on for almost 3 more years after that. I wasted the latter part of my 20's on someone who simply did not love me. Real love never ever causes pain.

 

I am glad that you're maintaining NC. I think the best closure you can give yourself, that you OWE yourself, is to heal and keep your heart open for someone who will cherish and guard your heart. I went and read your original post about your break up, and you mention that your ex said, "...something didn't feel right." Well, he's right. Something's not right, and it has NOTHING to do with you. Give yourself the closure you need by letting him go and stay determined to come out of this happy and whole.

[venusianx13]

Wow you were in a rough situation. I can empathize--I had a situation once that sounds similiar in terms of not having no contact, and the messiness of the situation. I'm sorry that you went through literal hell, and hope you are emerging with more love and greater self-love.

 

I have a hard time believing his line (my ex's) about the part of his head that says ugh. I attributed to fear and his fear of commitment. It's also

hard to feel that it has nothing to do with me, when he essentially alluded that it was me, not him. Ouch. I didn't even know the "me" that wasn't working for him, he even came back to me after we broke up once, wanting to make everything work. Sigh.

 

What I mean by it having nothing to do with you is that you did nothing wrong. His mind and heart are a mess, and he created whatever problem he saw there, you had nothing to do with that. The same ex I mentioned above came back to me during our second break up. He wrote me a long, heartfelt email while studying abroad, and vowed to make things work when he returned home. By then, I should have known to run the other way, but I just...didn't. Missed opportunity to save myself another couple of years of pain.

 

The reason I equated my situation to yours is that there is something about these men that prevented the relationships from progressing in a healthy manner, and what I'd attribute that to is true emotional availability and commitment issues. When my ex and I broke up (FINALLY) about 7 months ago, it was rough, but because I was so emotionally exhausted with the relationship, I processed it quickly. After a few weeks, he reached out to me, almost begging for me...but I knew what would happen if I went back - another detrimental problem that would arise due to his lack of emotional maturity and ability to commit. Also his lack of understanding in regards to what love truly is. You mentioned that your ex was spiritual. You're right, spiritual people don't treat people the way he treated you. So, he may have understood spirituality on an intellectual level, but quite obviously didn't mix with its true meaning. My ex was a "holistic healer" by trade. By night, he was an alcoholic and used drugs (and people.) He was supposed to know what made people healthy and happy, yet couldn't do the same for himself.

 

I hope things improve for you, OP... I firmly believe that all you ever need to do to change a situation is to change your mind. You have the power to do that, and I hope you get in touch with it soon. It's there!

[Agni]

I think you make a good point, many good points.

 

It's hard to know when to run the other way, when you are attached and when you care. These things become clearer in hindsight. I hear you on being so exhausted from a relationship that you process it quickly. I have been on that boat in the past (though not in my recent situation).

 

That's so interesting your ex was also a holistic healer. So is mine--well he's studying to be one and he has a few jobs in the healing arts (massage, yoga) and studies philosophy extensively. It is interesting these men who can show the world and be one way, but be different/contradictory in their personal relationships. I guess it's something to be more aware of next time.

 

I do need to get in touch with the power of the mind. It's hard when emotions are strong, and patterns are deeply engrained. But it can be done. I fyou want to share how you started changing your mindset, that would be great.

What I mean by it having nothing to do with you is that you did nothing wrong. His mind and heart are a mess, and he created whatever problem he saw there, you had nothing to do with that. The same ex I mentioned above came back to me during our second break up. He wrote me a long, heartfelt email while studying abroad, and vowed to make things work when he returned home. By then, I should have known to run the other way, but I just...didn't. Missed opportunity to save myself another couple of years of pain.

 

The reason I equated my situation to yours is that there is something about these men that prevented the relationships from progressing in a healthy manner, and what I'd attribute that to is true emotional availability and commitment issues. When my ex and I broke up (FINALLY) about 7 months ago, it was rough, but because I was so emotionally exhausted with the relationship, I processed it quickly. After a few weeks, he reached out to me, almost begging for me...but I knew what would happen if I went back - another detrimental problem that would arise due to his lack of emotional maturity and ability to commit. Also his lack of understanding in regards to what love truly is. You mentioned that your ex was spiritual. You're right, spiritual people don't treat people the way he treated you. So, he may have understood spirituality on an intellectual level, but quite obviously didn't mix with its true meaning. My ex was a "holistic healer" by trade. By night, he was an alcoholic and used drugs (and people.) He was supposed to know what made people healthy and happy, yet couldn't do the same for himself.

 

I hope things improve for you, OP... I firmly believe that all you ever need to do to change a situation is to change your mind. You have the power to do that, and I hope you get in touch with it soon. It's there!

[Consultant]

For me since she left, I have had really sad days and some days where I am "ok". I think these tend to come and go for awhile and it is completely normal. The first two weeks were miserable, the next week was off and on "sad" and "ok" days and now I don't have really "sad" days but maybe sad moments here and there.

 

I think you are not truly over everything until you can go a full day without really thinking about it. The only way that is possible is to invest in yourself and find something that you can focus on.

[reptile4heart]

Hi Agni,

This is my first time posting on LS, though I have been following along this forum silently for support and camraderie. My story is somewhat similar to yours in that I am 4 months out from a breakup that blindsided me, by a man that I was engaged to and thought I had an unbreakable relationship with. Sure, our last year was tough, as we were long-distance, we had some family bickering about wedding plans (mainly his family), and career/finances were being somewhat stressful. But nothing that I thought we couldn't get through....apparently, he didn't have as much faith. Seemingly out of the blue, he ended things, told me that he didn't think it "felt right anymore", wasn't sure he was ready (or would ever be ready) to get married, implied that he "didn't think things should be this hard this early."

 

Like you, I have been reeling from the sudden and unexpected loss, first spending what felt like days/weeks on end in shock, then in grief (where I am still). When I say "days on end" it is actually only probably one to a few hours within each day, as most of the time, I am doing what I am "supposed to do", what everyone constantly tells me to do -- "keep busy." I have started a new job, have been exercising, and meeting up with old friends when I can muster the energy.

 

But in the moments that things are not busy, that something in my day is going wrong, or something may remind me of him, it's like my heart and my mind are suddenly taken by siege, churning with overwhelming sadness, repeated thoughts of regret and "I should have...s", and torturing images of him being totally fine...maybe even relieved...having fun and going out.

 

Yes, maybe as MPA wrote, there is a small chance that his current state of emotional detachment will bite him in the ass down the line. But the cynic in me also thinks that all of this will just easily fade away for him, a distant memory, "oh well things don't always work out, I guess." And now he just has the luxury to play around, take his sweet old time to grow up and decide when to commit to some trusting woman.

 

Ooh the bitterness, regret, self-pity. These are what I struggle with. I know they are natural emotions to feel during breakups, but I hate how strongly they come up for me. Not to be a total downer...there ARE days (more than in the beginning) that I am busy and happy and feel confident that I will get through this and be stronger for it, that I deserve better than what he could give me. But just as I think I am feeling better, another day will come along and smack me down...

 

Anyhow, sorry to blab on your thread. I don't think I offered any sage advice, just a good old-fashioned "misery loves company" entry, and my heartfelt sorrow that you are also going through this.

[Agni]

I like you how you said "grief is not linear." I seem to forget that, and it is a good reminder. Also, I am of the belief that hard things in life bring up other grief that is stuck within us. ie sometimes if we are really sad in reaction to an event, it's not ALL about that event.

 

You were not blabbing by the way. I appreciate your sharing, and felt pangs in my heart as I read your story.Hopefully this forum will be an outlet for you to, well let it out. Let out the bitterness, regret, self-pity, soon they will dissolve.

 

And thank you for your the heartfelt sorrow. To me, having another human being simiply understand and acknowledge helps facilitate the healing process.

[confused836]

Agni, the fact that you started med school really hit a note with me. I'm in med school too and it's definitely a tough time to go through a breakup. PM me and we can talk about how to handle the pressure of med school while going through a break up. I went through it last year and believe me it wasn't easy but I learned so much that I would love to share

[Agni]

confused386, oh wow that'd be awesome. I'd love to chat with you more...not sure how to PM on this thing? Let me know.

[venusianx13]

 

That's so interesting your ex was also a holistic healer. So is mine--well he's studying to be one and he has a few jobs in the healing arts (massage, yoga) and studies philosophy extensively. It is interesting these men who can show the world and be one way, but be different/contradictory in their personal relationships. I guess it's something to be more aware of next time.

 

I do need to get in touch with the power of the mind. It's hard when emotions are strong, and patterns are deeply engrained. But it can be done. I fyou want to share how you started changing your mindset, that would be great.

 

 

I've been studying Buddhism and meditation for about 6 years, so that's where I found my comfort. I don't want to prosthelytize, but you may find comfort in Buddha's Sutra teachings. They are meant for everyone. Also, try to find that quiet place in your mind with meditation. Focus only on your breathing, and don't let other thoughts in. The true nature of your mind is clear, calm and positive.

 

If you have any interest in this, see if there are any meditation groups in your area. And if you want, there is a free ebook that you can download, called: Modern Buddhism. It holds a lot of information about the true nature of the mind. Here is the link: Modern Buddhism - The Path of Compassion and Wisdom - Free eBook Downloads

[confused836]

Haha not sure how to PM either but just email me at [email protected] and we can get in contact that way!

[venusianx13]

You have to post more than 100 messages to gain PM privileges.

[Agni]

Thanks, both of you. venusianx13: glad to hear buddhism works well for you. I too am into meditation, Eastern philosophy,etc, but I am still learning to make it work for me.

 

confused386: I'll shoot you an e-mail.

 

I"m having a horrible time concentrating and not getting anything done. Feels like the feelings of worthlessness I'm having are coming out onto my schoolwork. It's almost like I feel like a failure, and want to punish my self more by failing at school. Ugh.