What would you do?

[MammaMia]

if your spouse had an A ( EA or PA) and had broken it off, had made attempts to reconcile, had met your requirements, and everything else you asked him(her ) to do, what would you do if:

 

a)if the WS says to you (s)he sees no problem in talking to the AP at some point in time?

 

b) if the WS says nothing to you but you find out (s)he has talked to the AP - even if it is a "hi there"

 

Which of the two choices would be harder on you? To have been warned or to be surprised?

[eleanorrigby]

if your spouse had an A ( EA or PA) and had broken it off, had made attempts to reconcile, had met your requirements, and everything else you asked him(her ) to do, what would you do if:

 

a)if the WS says to you (s)he sees no problem in talking to the AP at some point in time?

 

b) if the WS says nothing to you but you find out (s)he has talked to the AP - even if it is a "hi there"

 

Which of the two choices would be harder on you? To have been warned or to be surprised?

 

wow, I actually can't decide between the two. Both options are heinous.

[MammaMia]

Still, the question remains: what would you do in either case?

[mercy]

I cannot for the life of me ever imaging my h uttering those words.

 

But if he did he better remember the words we spoke before that because those would have been our last. Period done over.

 

I'm a forgiving soul. I believe I have forgiven beyond 70X70.

 

Unimaginable.

[GLDheart]

I would rather have the wayward tell me straight up if they intended to reconnect. Atleast then I have the choice of what I'm going to do with that bit of news.

[Ninja'sHusband]

if your spouse had an A ( EA or PA) and had broken it off, had made attempts to reconcile, had met your requirements, and everything else you asked him(her ) to do, what would you do if:

 

a)if the WS says to you (s)he sees no problem in talking to the AP at some point in time?

 

b) if the WS says nothing to you but you find out (s)he has talked to the AP - even if it is a "hi there"

 

Which of the two choices would be harder on you? To have been warned or to be surprised?

Basic rule of reconciliation is no contact with the AP. Not negotiable. You deserve that peace of mind, most BSs will go crazy without it.

[Spark1111]

Here is the deal:

 

When I HAD FINALLY committed to reconciliation, I told him unequivocally:

 

If there was EVER intentional or accidental contact between he and his OW, (they worked together) and I was not informed immediately, we would be done!

 

And I meant it.

 

To drive the point home, I told him I would contact my old college boyfriend (the one, to this day, he remains insanely jealous of) and strike up the relationship and let him stew over that we were "just friends."

 

How did he feel about that?

 

Like I had struck a dagger in his heart.

 

So, what was good for the gander would be good for the goose, yes? Only fair, right?

 

When she contacted him again, and I discovered it (he told me) I called her up (with his approval, but I would have done it anyway;)) and told her off.

 

Told her to stay away from my man and my family. Told her to be very, very careful here....Told her I had kept TONS of evidence. Told her, in a very calm and controlled manor, polite even, to keep the hell away from us.....or else I would not continue to be so polite and kind.

 

Get my drift? it worked. It is still working. And I am fine with it,

 

Because I left her alone out of respect, she misunderstood my good manners for being a door mat.

 

Nothing could be father from the truth.

 

Take off the gloves MM. It is time togive a wake upcall to both your H and this woman who thinks they can still be friends.

 

I KNOW you are strong enough to do this.

 

Do this! Enough is enough.

[Spark1111]

if your spouse had an A ( EA or PA) and had broken it off, had made attempts to reconcile, had met your requirements, and everything else you asked him(her ) to do, what would you do if:

 

a)if the WS says to you (s)he sees no problem in talking to the AP at some point in time?

 

b) if the WS says nothing to you but you find out (s)he has talked to the AP - even if it is a "hi there"

 

Which of the two choices would be harder on you? To have been warned or to be surprised?

 

Neither one is acceptable!

 

Call her first, and then tell him off! Then tell him you called her.

 

You are NOT fooling around here. Let THEM know where you stand!

[BetrayedH]

I had three requirements for my wife in order to avoid immediate divorce: no contact, no lying, and no cheating.

 

I caught her breaking NC in a 2 minute work related phone call. We were about 4 months into what was otherwise a positive reconciliation, I suppose. After all that work, I couldn't leave over something like that. I was more upset that she had lied about it. She promised she would never lie to me again, that she had learned her lesson. Sadly, she was, uh, lying and I caught onto that, too.

 

A small breach in NC during an otherwise successful reconciliation? Yeah, I stayed. But it was just a prelude. We didn't make it.

[MammaMia]

At this point I need to clarify that the question was not about me and H. Some posters thought it had to do with me.

It was just a question that somehow intrigued me. So many posters find out later that the spouse has had contact or minimal contact with the OP. So I thought to pose the question.

Thanks for all the replies.

 

I agree with all of you who said that breaking NC would be -and should be- a dealbreaker.

[losingmyground]

if your spouse had an A ( EA or PA) and had broken it off, had made attempts to reconcile, had met your requirements, and everything else you asked him(her ) to do, what would you do if:

 

a)if the WS says to you (s)he sees no problem in talking to the AP at some point in time?

 

I would tell him to sign on the dotted line. When we agreed on NC, that meant forever.

 

b) if the WS says nothing to you but you find out (s)he has talked to the AP - even if it is a "hi there"

 

She the above response.

 

Which of the two choices would be harder on you? To have been warned or to be surprised?

 

I do not believe that either are an option. Him warning me, I would have showed him the door. A surprise, I would have kicked his butt then shown him the door.

[nofool4u]

if your spouse had an A ( EA or PA) and had broken it off, had made attempts to reconcile, had met your requirements, and everything else you asked him(her ) to do, what would you do if:

 

a)if the WS says to you (s)he sees no problem in talking to the AP at some point in time?

 

I'd say it is unacceptable for me to accept that and if she thinks she should be able to talk to the x-AP, then she can pack her bags.

 

 

b) if the WS says nothing to you but you find out (s)he has talked to the AP - even if it is a "hi there"

 

I'd pack her bags for her. ANY contact is unacceptable.

 

 

Which of the two choices would be harder on you? To have been warned or to be surprised?

 

Either is about the same. But then again, I speak of this as if I'd keep a cheater in the first place.

[Owl]

if your spouse had an A ( EA or PA) and had broken it off, had made attempts to reconcile, had met your requirements, and everything else you asked him(her ) to do, what would you do if:

 

a)if the WS says to you (s)he sees no problem in talking to the AP at some point in time?

 

b) if the WS says nothing to you but you find out (s)he has talked to the AP - even if it is a "hi there"

 

Which of the two choices would be harder on you? To have been warned or to be surprised?

 

Interesting...my wife had thought at first that I'd be OK with her 'being friends' with OM down the road, but she was quickly (within days) disabused of that notion. She did attempt to continue contact with him off/on for a few weeks post d-day, which I quickly fought against but didn't "lay down the hammer" because I could see how addictive this whole thing had been.

 

But, at about a month out, I laid it out clearly and concisely. NC means no contact for life, in any way shape, fashion or form.

 

I told her then that if she EVER, EVER contacted him in any way...it was over and I was gone. And if he EVER contacted her and she did not tell me immediately...same plan.

 

That last stands in place as of today, some 7-8 years later.

 

She undestands why that chapter in her life is over. If she didn't...we wouldn't be together.

[drifter777]

So, if I had to pick one of the options I would like my WW announce her intentions so I would have the chance to reiterate what NC means and warn her of the consequences.

 

As others have said, either behavior is a clear sign that the WS doesn't get it and is not fully committed to healing the marriage. If the reconciliation has been "rocky" to this point, it is probably a good reason to consider ending the effort. If he/she has been working hard to restore the relationship and the contact was in the context of just running into the former AP, it's probably worth educating them on NC and continuing working on the relationship.

[NotCamelot]

Niether would be acceptable by any stretch of the imagination!!!

 

BUT.......to answer your question: B...would be the hardest because there would be continued betrayal there by hiding the fact and me finding out afterward.