ex reconnect then goes

[Dblock10]

so my ex came back after travelling round europe for half the year i couldnt stop thinking of her when she was away and i rebounded with a few girls, i also knew she had sex with a few guys whilst away...

 

2 months after she returned, we met up and was clear we both missed one another a lot and expressed our feelings were still there for one another. we slept together and everything was amazing. however... she had other plans, is now back to a country she travelled to and staying there to find work for a year minimum, then perhaps more travelling after that.

 

needless to say it broke my heart again, and since her leaving, we stayed in contact everyday, i informed her i was confused since she said she had feelings for me but then left.. she then told me how she was frilled to have seen me and caught up but it had not made her want for us to be back as a couple. she is happy being single, and isn't looking for anything. Adding, if she was, how she was in a different country anyway..

 

Then I went quiet on the messaging front. after 4 weeks she asks how i am and what i am up to. i reply in kind, then she lets me know briefly what she has been doing or is doing, then asking myself similar question. i have not replied as i feel i have to protect my feelings at this point, since what i want (to be with her) just isn't going to happen... or at least not for a long time, potentially years or maybe never? i mean, she told me she didnt want to make future arrangements with me incase they dont amount to anything.. to her its obviously easy to keep in touch casually but for me i read between the lines and of course want her to want me, hearing she is out for lunch or dinner with another guy doesn't exactly make me feel good even if she says they are just a friend. would i be naive to believe this?

 

so what am i to do.. stay in touch casually or let her go? i am trying to let it go, because its hard for me, but at the same time its also hard to let go and just become a distant memory. so i am in a catch 22 situation. i read that its pretty much impossible to be friends with an ex if you have feelings for them which i do and staying friends is because you are too weak to let go and accept the truth, and that unless its purely to be friends with them then you have a hidden agenda and you will set yourself up for more hurt when they dont act or reply or behave how you would like them to..

 

that being said i feel that if i walk away now for good then the chance or possibility of us reuniting in the future are reduced significantly, but then i wasn't the one to move away...

 

thanks for reading. maybe we will meet again one day, but then who knows. point is do i stay in contact hoping that it will happen or stay in touch not really knowing and trying to have no expectations, or simply move on and try to re discover myself

[Dblock10]

anyone? would be good to get some opinions from people in similar situation or that havent had an ex cheat on them etc, as i know this can be reflected in peoples replies sometimes

[hopelessromantic29]

This happened to me. I received an email from my ex last week n it really felt like he wanted to give it another go. Texting me n making jokes. It really felt good talking to him since he dumped me n was the first to break nc. I had a lunch date Sunday but canceled bc I couldn't do it when my heart was still apparently in love with him.

 

I got so frustrated so I texted him n said what is this?!?! We can't be friends after only breaking up for 2 months. He apologized for confusing me n said that he doesn't know what direction he's going in life n agrees that it'll only make it harder if we continued to talk. He obviously missed me but not enough to get back together. I'm glad I spoke up bc even though it hurts, I now know that I must move on.

 

Your situation is only for u to judge. Do what u think is best. Ppl called me an idiot for putting myself out there once again to get stomped on but I don't care. I needed to do that for me. I cried but now I feel good. N it's only been 2 days since this happened.

[Dblock10]

exactly, i feel my ex missed me to, and still had feelings but end of the day, not enough to warrant being with me or anything like that.

 

exactly, i feel at this point id only go in circles. it would be a lot easier if i didnt care about her or want to be with her still..

 

see thats the problem she has told me she is happy being single, therefore it wont hurt her or make her feel anything for just staying in low contact with me. she gets the best of both worlds.

 

but then part of me thinks maybe i should just grin and bare it and stay in minimal contact i.e once a month if that.

 

i keep going in circles about this. its a very tough decision. maybe i should focus on facts and just try to let it go

[geegirl]

but then part of me thinks maybe i should just grin and bare it and stay in minimal contact i.e once a month if that.

 

You should grin and bear it. And you should keep going in circles. You should hang around and reach out once a month to remind her of your existence.

 

None of the above sound appealing, which means it is not good for you.

 

Listen to your own logic. The heart CANNOT make sound decisions for you, so listen to your BRAIN.

 

If you have to remind someone of your existence, at the risk of consistently hurting yourself, then you have your answer. As I have said before, you're either memorable enough for THEM to want to take steps to reconcile or you are forgettable. You shouldn't be there to try and remind, nudge, entice or provoke them to come your way. If you have to do that then doesn't that tell you something?

 

Move on DBlock. Unless she comes back to you with substance, it is time to stop repeating the same patterns. It is a tough decision but the one decision that you've been practicing so far hasn't gotten you anywhere and will keep getting you nowhere.

 

Try something different. Let go.

Edited September 6, 2012 by geegirl

[lil hoodlum]

DBlock you obviously love and care for this woman alot. It seems to me that you have very little chance to being with her in any forceable future. I don't know you brother but I believe you truely deserve something better than this.

 

I know you can't help who you love and why, but is this really the kind of life you want for yourself?

[Dblock10]

geegirl this is true it doesn't sound or look appealing at all.

 

interesting when you say about reaching out once a month to remind her of my existence.. first time she left she didnt initiate any contact with me, and that was very hard for me, i still reached out and said hello to her first, each time, maybe once a month but then after 3 months ish i realised why should i keep doing that.. like you said, no one should have to make all the effort to make someone realise you still exist...

 

this time though it has been her to reach out and ask how i am, what am i up to. this didnt happen the first time. maybe because when we met i told her how she was **** with that and thats why i gave up replying. .

 

so yeah i feel a bit bad for ignoring her now. :s but her being in contact ISNT to reconcile, its just her being friendly. so what do i do now then..

 

i told my friend that maybe i should be strong and hold on.. he said sometimes the strong thing to do is to let go.

 

with that said, do i have to remove her off my fb? were do i go from here. at the moment im just trying to accept it and waiting to start the new semester in 3 weeks time.

 

thanks for the message hoodlum. yeah thats right there is little to zero chance in the near future. and its hard, i do want happiness for myself though.

[geegirl]

You feel bad for ignoring her? Her feelings are not your responsibility. When she chose to be single, she didn't consider your feelings nor is she entitled to receive anything from you. The only responsibility you have is to your feelings and to your recovery.

 

There is nothing strong about holding on, especially when you KNOW you are holding on to nothing. The strong thing to do is to let go when someone doesn't want to be with you. The strong thing to do is to embrace the loss and move on. If you don't, you deny yourself the chance of ever healing and being you again.

 

You remove her from your FB. You block her email and phone number. You remove her from IM. You embrace the pain and the reality that it is the end. Read Tara Maiden's No Contact Guide by Caliguy. And read it till you can preach it word for word.

 

Contact keeps you stuck and stagnant. Is this how you hope to see yourself six months from now? If not, start your journey.

Edited September 6, 2012 by geegirl

[Dblock10]

very good point you made about her not considering my feelings in this.

 

i understand all of that as it does make sense, but she is just living her life, so should that warrant me not talking to her, i mean i should want her to be happy shouldn't i?

 

is it not about being adult and accepting it as a learning curve? i dont know, i am caught in two minds about deleting

[lil hoodlum]

I think you need to be comfortable with the decisions you do make. I personally don't see anything wrong with keeping her on FB. I don't see what the harm is in that. Of course I don't have a FB account either so consider that with my advice.

 

I believe when you are ready to let something go and heal, you will.

 

And yes, it does take courage to let something that you love go. It is incredibly hard to do so. Doing so will begin the healing process. It's not to say that there won't or can't be a future together with this young lady it's just that right now is not the right time. She is living her life and I believe you should be living yours.

 

Good Luck!

[lil hoodlum]

 

i understand all of that as it does make sense, but she is just living her life, so should that warrant me not talking to her, i mean i should want her to be happy shouldn't i?

 

 

Talking and being happy for her are one thing. The other is that you shouldn't be the only one putting in any kind of effort. Reaching out and connecting in whatever fashion should be a two way street and mutual. It shouldn't be about just one person doing all of the work.

 

I think you are beginning to see that. Since you have pulled back, she seems to be reaching out to you more.

 

What ever is going on between the two of you just can't be a one-sided show!

[Dblock10]

Yeah well this is the problem I'm having, what good will contact have and knowing what she has been up to even if it's just things like going to see a band or what ever. As I said she obviously doesn't want me back or want to be with me, so contact between us is merely friendly or indicates we are friends. this is what I meant about the stayin strong and holding on. I.e stay in LC so that if a chance appears in the future then maybe things could develop. On the other hand I don't know where she will be or what I'll be up to in a year. And I do believe it isn't worth gambling your heart when the person in question isn't saying or doing anything to warrant you doing so

[geegirl]

very good point you made about her not considering my feelings in this.

 

i understand all of that as it does make sense, but she is just living her life, so should that warrant me not talking to her, i mean i should want her to be happy shouldn't i?

 

is it not about being adult and accepting it as a learning curve? i dont know, i am caught in two minds about deleting

 

Keep letting your junkie mind make irrational excuses as to why it's okay to keep some sort of foot in the door.

 

She is living her life. You aren't. You keep looking over your shoulder. You can talk to her but if you're on a site lamenting how contact confuses you and keeps you stuck and hopeful, then you're doing yourself a disservice. Let's be honest. Cut the crap. No excuses. You want to be able to remind her of your existence, keep a foot in the door, keep tabs on her for signs of hope. You can want her to be happy but NOT at the expense of you hurting yourself.

 

This is not school or some class youre taking this semester. Emotions and yoir hope aren't about learning curves. It's painful and confusing. Getting to the other side is a journey of letting go and finding acceptance. What you speak of is denial.

 

Your two minds fight. Your head and heart. Your heart cannot make the right decision for you. If contact doesn't affect you, keep her on FB. If you have to question it, come on a forum and ask, you have your answer.

Edited September 7, 2012 by geegirl

[Treasa]

I've been reading your posts since last year. It's not a catch 22 at all. Both situations are going to be hard and painful for you, but only one will ultimately be good for you. Sometimes we have to face the pain to make things better. Let her go. Stop focusing so much on her feelings, her this, her that, and start focusing on your own life. If she contacts you, ignore it. Block her. MOVE ON. Otherwise you're going to continue to pine away for someone who obviously doesn't consider you a priority in her life and is many miles away living things up and being happy.

 

Trust me...the sooner you let go and start making your own goals and start focusing on yourself more, the sooner you'll realize that she wasn't worth it. No one is worth doing this to yourself over.

[Dblock10]

i guess the contact wouldn't confuse me anymore as i know where i stand... but it doesn't mean it wouldn't hurt... i miss her and so yes i think deep down id always want her back or at least id always hold a place for her in my heart. so part of me does think based on this alone i shouldn't just give up on the contact side of things all together, but then you are right what you are saying is i should let go and so that i can move on and not hurt.

 

the foot in the door thing, well i would like to stay in touch so that yes if things could happen in the future then they would a better chance of doing so. of course id like that. but as you say, i cant keep looking over my shoulder, and she isn't waiting for me.

 

finding acceptance is hard and ive been dealing with that now for a few weeks, since i didn't or haven't replied to her asking about my work life 4 weeks ago. contact does and doesn't effect me, i mean for now it would because ive not moved on, but there will be a time when it happens. and when it does, it wont matter about fb or anything else.

 

treasa thanks for following my posts since last year!

 

what would be a good way to focus on my own life? how can i stop caring about her? im starting to think she isnt a genuine person anyway, telling me one thing, then another, and just leading me on in some respects. when she left the first time i should have deleted her and not looked back.

 

what makes me sad is how she isnt the girl i thought she was, or is it, she was but now she isnt? can she ever be that girl again? is it all an illusion now in my head?

[lil hoodlum]

Actions speak louder than words. Do not listen to her words. Pay attention to her actions. What are her actions telling you?

 

She is a priority to you. You are not a priority to her.

[Dblock10]

Actions speak louder than words. Do not listen to her words. Pay attention to her actions. What are her actions telling you?

 

She is a priority to you. You are not a priority to her.

 

her actions? well broke up so not to ruin her travelling away and then has moved abroad now for a good year maybe more..

 

how can you judge someones actions over words when they are no longer around for you to make that judgement?

 

one could argue her asking me things is an action. not trying to make excuses, just trying to understand.

[fallenheart]

Dude. I still can't believe you think you're getting a second chance with this girl!!

 

All right...I admit that I was SHOCKED that she gave you a pity lay when she did her stopover after her big trip, but that's all it was. She pitied you, and thought you earned a quick roll in the hay, and then she was OFF again like it never happened!

 

Go back and read your posts man....you've been regurgitating the same thing for OVER A YEAR!! And people have told you the same thing (DROP HER/DELETE HER/FORGET HER) for over a year but you still ignore it!

 

Are you just waiting for a majority of posters' opinions to be "Oh yeah man, just wait around, she'll be back!" so that you can justify how you've been torturing and abusing yourself for the last YEAR of your life??

 

Cause she's not the one doing it....you've been doing it to yourself all this time.

 

Her ACTIONS speak loud and clear. And always have. Her actions were that she got the hell away from you and her old life and never looked back. If she knocked on your door tomorrow with tears in her eyes and said "I just can't live without you!" then you'd know she's into you. Guess what....she isn't. She's on the other side of the world living her life. She made her decision. She has NO idea that you are sitting around pining away for her and if she DID know, she would just feel sorry for you and think you're pathetic; not romantic.

 

It's funny...you give good advice to other posters but you ignore advice given to you. It's your life after all, so yeah, your decision....I already know you're just going to keep pining away and waiting for your long lost princess. But she decided a lifetime ago that you are NOT her Prince. Maybe the court jester that entertains her every now and then when she's bored? Is that what you want to be?

[Dblock10]

Dude. I still can't believe you think you're getting a second chance with this girl!!

 

All right...I admit that I was SHOCKED that she gave you a pity lay when she did her stopover after her big trip, but that's all it was. She pitied you, and thought you earned a quick roll in the hay, and then she was OFF again like it never happened!

 

Go back and read your posts man....you've been regurgitating the same thing for OVER A YEAR!! And people have told you the same thing (DROP HER/DELETE HER/FORGET HER) for over a year but you still ignore it!

 

Are you just waiting for a majority of posters' opinions to be "Oh yeah man, just wait around, she'll be back!" so that you can justify how you've been torturing and abusing yourself for the last YEAR of your life??

 

Cause she's not the one doing it....you've been doing it to yourself all this time.

 

Her ACTIONS speak loud and clear. And always have. Her actions were that she got the hell away from you and her old life and never looked back. If she knocked on your door tomorrow with tears in her eyes and said "I just can't live without you!" then you'd know she's into you. Guess what....she isn't. She's on the other side of the world living her life. She made her decision. She has NO idea that you are sitting around pining away for her and if she DID know, she would just feel sorry for you and think you're pathetic; not romantic.

 

It's funny...you give good advice to other posters but you ignore advice given to you. It's your life after all, so yeah, your decision....I already know you're just going to keep pining away and waiting for your long lost princess. But she decided a lifetime ago that you are NOT her Prince. Maybe the court jester that entertains her every now and then when she's bored? Is that what you want to be?

 

thanks fallen heart. i know you are right. sorry for really taking this long to accept it tbh. i'm pretty foolish for sure.

 

and yeah i was surprised we hooked up, but a pity lay? id lean more towards she was bored and knew i was around.

 

im trying to move on, i dont want to be like how i have been any more.. and as i say, you are right and she just isnt the girl i thought she was or hoped she would be. not really sure how to feel about her if i am honest.

 

but yes, she made her decision and that was it. but i have dropped her, i havent replied to her fb msg. so you can be proud of me for that at least. i know i'm better than this and so i have to come out stronger

 

your right i do give good advice, but then im odd and dont listen to myself and others advice apparently

Edited September 10, 2012 by Dblock10

[fallenheart]

and i do apologize cause i'm always really harsh as hell with you. sorry about that.

 

but lately i just don't see the point in lying to myself anymore. or lying to others. we all come to this site to lie to ourselves and convince ourselves that everything is going to be OK...but it's NOT.

 

you're a young dude, so you can go out and find another girl once you get this one all the way outta your head. as for me, i think i've finally given up completely.

 

i'm a really negative guy these days though....sorry if I was out of line.

[Dblock10]

see this is the problem with LS, it has got an ability to harbour a lot of bad energy for people. which is why i was hesitant to listen to advice after i felt it got me into a bit of a mess to start with (as in initiating the break up) but then ultimately its clearly not what she wants and no doubt on her trip she'd have changed her mind.

 

things will be ok, but you need to get out there to see it. although i am very pessimistic like you so its like im lieing to myself saying that but not fully believing it

 

i dont think you were out of line, i mean from your perspective you are looking at the facts. and its true what you say, maybe not 100% but pretty much there..

 

its sad this has happened to me and what has happened to others but we cant let this be what defines us.

 

i dont really know how to get out this hole and a massive part thinks delete her but then of course we all know how hard that is even after doing it.

 

not sure what to say anymore, guess i wish things were different but they are not and so i must deal with the facts and what is

Edited September 10, 2012 by Dblock10

[Dblock10]

**** im missing her today. i feel really sad she moved away again. especially after telling me she had feelings still. just dont know how to take this.

 

i havent spoke to her in 4 weeks. sigh

[fallenheart]

Hope you stayed strong and didn't contact her. NO GOOD will ever ever come of it!!

 

Just erase her from your life and do anything you can to forget her.

[Dblock10]

Hope you stayed strong and didn't contact her. NO GOOD will ever ever come of it!!

 

Just erase her from your life and do anything you can to forget her.

 

stayed strong bud. its so tempting to do that believe me. i just hate that it has to come to that?

[broken-and-lost]

I was here last year m8 when she first left and i'd been here a year before you hooked up on my ex.

 

Just to say what people have already said your hurting yourself know people are right same as they were right when they told me to let it go someones actions always speak volumes over any words they say at any particular time fella.

 

She is keeping you hanging on as a back up just incase her plans don't work out nothing more i'm sorry it hurts i know i tortured myself with small amounts of contact and over thought everything and i know you remember a different girl that would never treat you that way but it's not who she is know and deep down as much as it hurts you know it's true. They do not really care about us and i know that hurts i have felt and do feel the same way as you about my ex

 

But like everyone is telling you your now just hurting yourself by not letting go and allowing her to drop in and out of your life when ever she feel like it at her low or bored moments or to just give you that small hope that will keep you hanging on.

 

Do yourself a kindness and start to look after you it's hard and it hurts but you owe it to yourself to try give that love to someone who in this present time deserves it, she does not