I don't love him anymore

[LarriveeLover]

Hi Everyone,

 

This is my first time posting on this forum. I am going through some really hard times and need some help. Here is the story:

 

I just found out, around mid June of this year, that my husband has been cheating on me for 9 years out of our ten year marriage. He has been with three prostitutes, and one of his coworkers (he was with her four times). So, it hasn't been continuous affairs. Just some sex here and there....not that that makes it okay...but, somehow doesn't seem as bad.

 

I found out about everything because he made a pass at a friend and she told me about it. Then, I searched his computer and found mass amounts of porn. Then, I searched his phone and found women's phone numbers. He told me some of the things he had done (with his coworker), but not all. I asked him several times over the course of the following weeks if there was anything else he had to tell me and he said "no". I decided to forgive him and work on our marriage.

 

Then, one night a friend told me to have him take a polygraph just to make sure there were no more women. I asked him to take the polygraph and that's when he told me about everything else (prostitutes).

 

My heart broke into a thousand pieces and then my heart went cold towards him. I swear I fell out of love with him right then and there. I resolved to divorce him right then. I called the attorney the next day and got the ball rolling.

 

In the meantime, my husband checked himself into a home for men with problems (addictions and failing marriages). It's a faith-based group that ministers to these men. There are four men living in the house and he was lucky to get in. He has been changing like crazy. He is all close to god now. Which is weird for me bc I don't have a faith. But, he is a hard-core Christian now and he loves god and says god has changed him. He seems so sincere. I really think he has changed.

 

But, back to the story....so, my husband is doing everything in his power to change, but I am still resolved to divorce him. So, the stupid thing I did was...I flew half way across the country, met an old friend, slept with him, we grew feelings for each other. Then, I came back here. And, I start feeling conflicted about my husband...now I am pretty sure I want to reconcile with him. He seems so sincere about his change. He even told me that if I wanted him back now, he wouldn't come back. He would stay in the home for as long as it takes for him to complete the program and make a complete change. He was been on his hands and knees many many many times balling and crying asking for my forgiveness. He knows about this other guy and he says he has already forgiven me and he feels responsible for my choices (which I know he isn't, but that's how he feels). He is broken and so so so sad. He texts me all the time these sweet things about how much he loves me and how stupid he was to do all these things that he did.

 

So, I let him take me out on a date last night. (I also broke everything off with my old friend....and he was heart broken). I told my husband last night that I don't have feelings for him. I don't feel in love with him. I didn't tell him that if my old friend walked in the room I would melt into a thousand pieces and feel tons of emotion for him. But, I want to feel that for my husband....but, I don't.

 

So, my questions is: What do I do? Do I just not feel anything towards my husband bc I have directed that towards the other guy? Once I have had enough dates with my husband and I have had no contact with the other guy will my feelings return? Also, what do I do about the faith piece? I asked my husband why he even wants to be married to someone who has no faith? Why doesn't he go find someone who wants to pray with him and go to church with him? I mean, I will pray with him and go to church with him, but it will be for him, not because I want to. Everything just seems so messed up and i don't know what to do. To add to the complication, we have two kids. And, to be honest, I am working this out with him for the kids' sake. If it wasn't for them, I would walk away. He has hurt me so so bad that I would rather start over. But, I want the kids to have a whole home. And, I do think that we have a fighting chance of having a good marriage. But, I just wonder if I will fall back in love with him. I am so worried that I won't....

 

Please help!!

 

So sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading.

[shiftman]

I stayed in a bad marriage for over 25 years. All because I did not want my child growing up in a split home.

 

In retrospect, my decision hurt all three of us in different ways.

[LarriveeLover]

I dont think we will have a bad marriage. he is totally in love with me. i might be able to fall back in love with him....i am just not sure if it will happen. i dont know if my heart isn too broken.

[M30USA]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Sometimes we just go through so much crap in life that our hearts become numb to a person.

[TaraMaiden]

Let me throw three things at you, and see whether they hit home at all...

I'm merely putting them forward for you to consider...

 

• He loves you Via the Lord, not Via his own heart.
   
  
• You have sympathy love for him, but the married love is gone, and if it were still there, this other guy wouldn't even have gotten a look-in.
   
  
• Children survive divorces, (My two did) and they know, see and hear more than they think you do.
  

 

 

 

Staying together in a dysfunctional marriage teaches them that it's ok to stay together in a dysfunctional marriage and that it's ok for them to behave as you do - gender-dependent....

 

Better to have two relaxed and happy kids, living with relaxed and happy parents, than to have two stressed-out bundles of nerves, because you stay together "because of them".

 

And when they leave home, and go their own way - who will thank you for the sacrifice?

Nobody.

You're a mum, known in the USA as a 'home-maker'.

That's your job, isn't it? so how could you possibly be sacrificing anything....?

(huh....!)

 

Well, he's the 'home-breaker (credit where credit's due) so think carefully about what you aim to do, what sacrifices you will make, what your motives will be - and whether it's all really worth your effort...

 

If his love of God is genuine, he will love and forgive.

if you file for divorce and he falls off the 'God-Wagon' - you'll know my very first point is accurate.

Edited September 2, 2012 by TaraMaiden

[LarriveeLover]

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I really think he loves me, regardless of god. He really loves me. But, I get your point, TaraMaiden, about filing for divorce and seeing what he does about god. But, I just don't know if I have the guts to divorce him.

 

The only reason I was able to sleep with the other guy was because I was hurting and, at the time, I knew I was going to get a divorce and I needed the other guy to comfort me. And, we grew feelings for each other....kinda hard not to do if we're sleeping together.

 

Anyways, maybe after awhile my feelings for my spouse will return. Right now, I am so hurt over letting go of the other guy. And, I just see my husband as boring. It's sad to think like that about him. But, I just don't have any excitement for him. Before I found out about all that he had done, I didn't feel that way at all. I was very in love with him. But, after I found out, I went on a wild partying streak. I went to bars and danced with all kinds of guys and, I am so selfish because I don't want to stop it. I will stop it, because it's best for my family, but I don't want to. I like the attention. I will stop it with the other guy regardless because, even though we have feelings for each other, he lives too far away and he has issues of his own. But, just settling back down and learning to love my husband again just doesn't sound exciting. But, I guess marriage is hard work. I'm being immature. I know it. I just need to hunker down and work on my marriage and hope that I fall in love with him. And, if I don't, then we can split up. It's so sad.

[shiftman]

The best advice that I can give you is to read TaraMaiden's post over and over and over again.

[TaraMaiden]

....But, I guess marriage is hard work.

It's even harder when one is trying more than the other...

 

I'm being immature. I know it. I just need to hunker down and work on my marriage and hope that I fall in love with him.

No, you're not being immature.. in fact, your determination to see if you can make it work, is commendable - because it is HARD work.

But you can't 'hope' to fall in love with him, because you already did. And that went.

That feeling will never return, because of intervening events.

That love you felt, you will never feel again, because you know what killed it.

The best you can hope for, if you know you have to fall in love again, is to find a different good way to feel about still being married to him.

You BOTH need to work on your marriage, but if the effort isn't sincere, or your heart isn't in it, or the more efforts he makes, the less inclined you feel... really... what are you thinking - ?

 

 

...And, if I don't, then we can split up. It's so sad.

 

Consider giving it a time-frame...

 

And yes, it' sad.

But - what do you think would be sadder?

living under false pretences, during which most of the time you 'love him' again, you may well just be working really hard to convince yourself you love him, again?

[soccerrprp]

Sadly, I just don't see your marriage improving. And staying together for the sake of the children is such an over-rationalized reason to stay in any bad relationship. TM's words are ringing much truer to what you need to do here.

 

Think about this. If he has genuinely found God, he will be just fine. He will regroup, continue to be the responsible father to his children and pay for support in money and time/commitment. If he becomes anything less than that, you know it was a religious-phase, a reuse. Adultery is one of the biblical justifications for divorce, so he would understand that.

 

It is all very messy for you, but your marriage sounds dead (dying) emotionally for you. Get out before you end up staying in a marriage that will only likely put you into deeper depression, loneliness and dissatisfaction.

 

I'm sorry this had to happen.

[LarriveeLover]

The sad thing is that when I think of it being over with him, I feel relieved. Like a weight is off my shoulders and I can move on. I almost feel.....happy. And, I don't want that to be the case. I WANT to be in love with him and happy with him. But, it just isn't there.

 

We used to have such an innocence in our relationship where I thought he had never and would never betray me. I trusted him with such abandon. And now, it's over. I don't look at him the same way. I want to start over with someone that I can look at and know that they haven't betrayed me. I want the innocence back and all the trust. And, I know that can't come back with him. I feel so sorry for him and my kids. I know he is so sad and repentant for what he has done. But, I just don't know if I can get over it or forgive him.

[M30USA]

The sad thing is that when I think of it being over with him, I feel relieved. Like a weight is off my shoulders and I can move on. I almost feel.....happy. And, I don't want that to be the case. I WANT to be in love with him and happy with him. But, it just isn't there.

 

We used to have such an innocence in our relationship where I thought he had never and would never betray me. I trusted him with such abandon. And now, it's over. I don't look at him the same way. I want to start over with someone that I can look at and know that they haven't betrayed me. I want the innocence back and all the trust. And, I know that can't come back with him. I feel so sorry for him and my kids. I know he is so sad and repentant for what he has done. But, I just don't know if I can get over it or forgive him.

 

Gosh, I am in EXACTLY the same situation. I am relieved to be away from her yet I don't WANT to feel this way. It's messed up.

[shiftman]

No, you're not being immature.. in fact, your determination to see if you can make it work, is commendable - because it is HARD work.

 

I'm not trying to be mean to the OP, but I have to respectfully disagree.

 

Responding to an infidelity by engaging in an infidelity is often referred to as "revenge sex". IMHO, this does reflect immaturity at some level.

[trippi1432]

I'm going to say to consider the possibility of finding what you really want. Infidelity hurts and God does not protect him from the person he truly is. Perhaps this has been an eye-opening experience for you...not one to take on fighting for something that no longer exists but in being happy with something you have always had...YOU.

[Steadfast]

I'm constantly advising honesty OP. I suspect you're not being entirely honest. Sure you're not re-writing history a bit? Did you really fall out of love before the lie detector, or after you hooked up with your old flame?

 

He took a hatchet to your marriage, you finished off the pieces with a blow torch. You 'muddled the waters' by having a revenge affair. Two wrongs never make a right. You're finding out the hard way. But, just to be sure, make sure your romantic love for him hasn't been replaced by anger. If this is true, your love for him could return when the anger fades.

 

If his love of God is genuine, he will love and forgive. if you file for divorce and he falls off the 'God-Wagon' - you'll know my very first point is accurate.

 

Yep. Personally, I'd divorce him and move on. Being 'all close to God' does not make a person more deserving of a happy marriage, nor does it qualify them for anything different than anyone else. This is a social religion lie.

 

The Bible makes no promises regarding marriage success. It's up to us.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm not trying to be mean to the OP, but I have to respectfully disagree.

 

Responding to an infidelity by engaging in an infidelity is often referred to as "revenge sex". IMHO, this does reflect immaturity at some level.

No, I do agree with that.

I was referring to her current efforts...

OP, are you making the effort because you really want to (although you seem to be slowly becoming resigned to the fact that it just isn't working), or are you making the effort because you think you should?

 

CPR won't revive something that died a long time ago....

[Grich283]

Wow, what a story. First of all, I'm sorry your going through this.

Friends of mine ('John and Jane') went through an almost identical situation a few years ago. He had multiple afairs, she found out and marched down to the divorce attorney. It was hard to see them go through. I figured the divorce would be quick. But I was suprised to see her sit on the table for a while. She didn't want to give up so soon and wanted to see what he would do.

 

John was never an overly religious guy, but he moved into a religious based home to get help. I was happy to see him do this, even though I'm not overly religious either.

 

I could see the changes in him within months. And it was more changes in his personality and the way that he saw his family.

 

All the while, Jane was coping with an affair of her own now with an 'old flame'. After some time, that came to an end and they started talking about reconciling their marriage. Jane too had lost feelings for John and found it difficult to let go of the old flame. But she did. This went on for several months. John would come to me crying and saying that he wanted to quit because she could never love him again. I would always tell him to never quit until she is the one who divorces him. I knew he genuinely wanted to make a difference in his marriage, so I was going to support him.

 

John and Jane kept going on dates, some going better than others. Then over time something happened inside her. She described it like a light switch. She told me one day she realized how much she loves him, what all he did to make changes in himself and their marriage and all the burdons fell off of her. She was able to forgive him and move forward with him.

 

I can tell you it was still rocky in the beginning, but today their marriage is amazing to watch. They do a lot more together than they ever did.

 

I don't say all of this to negate the sound advice you may receive on this thread. Just when I read your story, I felt compelled to tell you mine. I can read in your words you still love him and do hope that it can work out. If thats true, think about the things that made you both fall in love in the first place. I've seen first hand how two people in your situation, if serious, can make the marriage not only work, but be amazing. It will take time. I know that all of this hasn't been easy on either of you.

Edited September 3, 2012 by Grich283

[LarriveeLover]

I'm constantly advising honesty OP. I suspect you're not being entirely honest. Sure you're not re-writing history a bit? Did you really fall out of love before the lie detector, or after you hooked up with your old flame?

 

He took a hatchet to your marriage, you finished off the pieces with a blow torch. You 'muddled the waters' by having a revenge affair. Two wrongs never make a right. You're finding out the hard way. But, just to be sure, make sure your romantic love for him hasn't been replaced by anger. If this is true, your love for him could return when the anger fades.

 

Okay, so, complete honesty...here it is. I have really thought about your comment and have searched my heart. And, I didn't fall out of love before the lie detector incident. I was totally in love with him. My heart immediately grew cold as ice after I threatened him with a lie detector and he fessed up about the prostitutes. I knew right then and there that it was over. Now, did I fall out of love with him? Or did my love just get suppressed because I knew it was over? I really don't know, actually. It's very hard to determine what exactly happened. I just know that I changed.

 

And, I didn't have "revenge sex". I thought it was over between us. And, so I went and had sex with my "old friend" whom I had never slept with before, but we always wanted to.....so we did. But, I had no intention of telling my husband or "getting back" at him. I was hurting, and this other guy comforted me.

 

However, now that I think we are going to work on it, everything is messed up. And, you couldn't be more right that I have taken a hatchet to my marriage and finished off the pieces with a blow torch. I couldn't agree more. And, I think that any love that might have remained buried deep down was squashed by my feelings for this other guy. I am hoping that after some time (maybe a month or so?) my feelings for this other guy will go away and I will be able to have feelings for my husband again.

 

I want to work this out with him. But, when he kisses me it feels like I am kissing my brother. Ugh. I hate that I feel like this. I have never been with another person other than my husband since I was 19 years old and never dreamed I ever would be. Before all of this happened, I was the most faithful, honest wife and a guy could ever ask for. And, then it all changed and everything is jacked up.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

I'll respond to the other posts later this evening.

[shiftman]

CPR won't revive something that died a long time ago....

 

I totally agree.

[shiftman]

And, I didn't have "revenge sex". I thought it was over between us. And, so I went and had sex with my "old friend" whom I had never slept with before, but we always wanted to.....so we did. But, I had no intention of telling my husband or "getting back" at him. I was hurting, and this other guy comforted me.

 

I did not say that you had revenge sex. I merely pointed out that infidelity responses to infidelity are often referred to as revenge sex.

 

That said, you may have thought that your marriage was over, but legally it was not. Therefore, what you did was engage in the same negative behavior that you find so distasteful in your husband. If you found your former acquaintance so appealing, you should have dissolved the marriage and handled it that way. Now, you have not one, but two situations to deal with.

[LarriveeLover]

I did not say that you had revenge sex. I merely pointed out that infidelity responses to infidelity are often referred to as revenge sex.

 

That said, you may have thought that your marriage was over, but legally it was not. Therefore, what you did was engage in the same negative behavior that you find so distasteful in your husband. If you found your former acquaintance so appealing, you should have dissolved the marriage and handled it that way. Now, you have not one, but two situations to deal with.

 

Yes, you are right. I did not do the right thing. I would never leave my husband for the other guy. He is not right for me. Just a comfort during a hard time, if that makes sense. But, now I do have feelings for him. But, I still would never make a life with him. I am just hoping the feelings fade. I can't go back and undo what I have done. So, now that we agree that I did what my husband did....what's next? I've stopped all communication with the other guy and I know that I don't want him as the father of my children and the man of my life. I know that my husband is best for my kids and I think he has changed and might be best for me. So, maybe if I give it time, I will find my love for him all over again. Or, maybe I should divorce him and forget about it. I don't know. Any advice?

[LarriveeLover]

Wow, what a story. First of all, I'm sorry your going through this.

Friends of mine ('John and Jane') went through an almost identical situation a few years ago. He had multiple afairs, she found out and marched down to the divorce attorney. It was hard to see them go through. I figured the divorce would be quick. But I was suprised to see her sit on the table for a while. She didn't want to give up so soon and wanted to see what he would do.

 

John was never an overly religious guy, but he moved into a religious based home to get help. I was happy to see him do this, even though I'm not overly religious either.

 

I could see the changes in him within months. And it was more changes in his personality and the way that he saw his family.

 

All the while, Jane was coping with an affair of her own now with an 'old flame'. After some time, that came to an end and they started talking about reconciling their marriage. Jane too had lost feelings for John and found it difficult to let go of the old flame. But she did. This went on for several months. John would come to me crying and saying that he wanted to quit because she could never love him again. I would always tell him to never quit until she is the one who divorces him. I knew he genuinely wanted to make a difference in his marriage, so I was going to support him.

 

John and Jane kept going on dates, some going better than others. Then over time something happened inside her. She described it like a light switch. She told me one day she realized how much she loves him, what all he did to make changes in himself and their marriage and all the burdons fell off of her. She was able to forgive him and move forward with him.

 

I can tell you it was still rocky in the beginning, but today their marriage is amazing to watch. They do a lot more together than they ever did.

 

I don't say all of this to negate the sound advice you may receive on this thread. Just when I read your story, I felt compelled to tell you mine. I can read in your words you still love him and do hope that it can work out. If thats true, think about the things that made you both fall in love in the first place. I've seen first hand how two people in your situation, if serious, can make the marriage not only work, but be amazing. It will take time. I know that all of this hasn't been easy on either of you.

 

WOW! That is just amazing how similar our stories are. Thanks for sharing. I am greatly encouraged that maybe my husband and I can make it Today, I felt a little tiny bit of attraction for him and a tiny bit of love...so maybe that's a start. He is doing everything in his power to get me back...including learning Spanish and learning to Salsa dance....which are two things that I'm into that he hasn't been into before. He is doing anything and everything to make it all up to me. So, I have some hope today.

[LarriveeLover]

No, I do agree with that.

I was referring to her current efforts...

OP, are you making the effort because you really want to (although you seem to be slowly becoming resigned to the fact that it just isn't working), or are you making the effort because you think you should?

 

CPR won't revive something that died a long time ago....

 

I am making the effort for my kids and because I hope that I can fall in love with him again...or find the love that is buried under all the hurt from both affairs. I don't know if it is working. We went on our first date Sat night and it felt weird, so it made me rethink things.

 

My love for him didn't die a long time ago. It died 8 weeks ago.

[LarriveeLover]

I did not say that you had revenge sex. I merely pointed out that infidelity responses to infidelity are often referred to as revenge sex.

 

BTW, I didn't say you said I had revenge sex. That was directed at the person I quoted - Steadfast.

[Steadfast]

What I'd advise is total honesty. Tell your husband how you feel. Why shouldn't you? He'll have to understand. If he loves you the way you think he does, he'll accept it. If he doesn't, he isn't as genuine as he needs to be. If you feel it's worth working on and he's willing, then work on it. If he isn't, then divorce him. Make the complicated simple and keep it simple.

 

There is no risk-free method. Both of you have contributed to making that impossible. You stepping out before it was final complicated everything.

 

In my experience, once a woman's love has left, it's gone forever. Men are different. A traumatic experience can often trigger them into realizing the value of what they had. This happens to women too, but it's rarer I think.

 

Having a relationship with God and following the conditions of salvation erases our sinful past with Him. Not with our fellow man. No matter how good hubby is, and no matter how well it's resolved his past and yours will remain. It takes extraordinary effort to grow past it. Not impossible, but again, in my experience, extremely rare. "Can you do it?" must be followed by "Do you want it?" That's what you must ask, and honestly answer.

[TaraMaiden]

In my experience, once a woman's love has left, it's gone forever.

 

Men are different. A traumatic experience can often trigger them into realizing the value of what they had. This happens to women too, but it's rarer I think.

 

Having a relationship with God and following the conditions of salvation erases our sinful past with Him. Not with our fellow man.

 

No matter how good hubby is, and no matter how well it's resolved his past and yours will remain. It takes extraordinary effort to grow past it. Not impossible, but again, in my experience, extremely rare. "Can you do it?" must be followed by "Do you want it?" That's what you must ask, and honestly answer.

 

 

All QFT, but particularly the 1st three sections - and particularly sentence number one.

 

I don't know why this is, but it is absolutely true.

 

I think (simplifying it to an absolutely idiot-level degree) it's to do with women put their all, and then give up, men make less effort, then put in their all.

 

It's almost back-to-front behaviour....