pees Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 I hate dating, however I know it's a ritual one must endure to reach the stage of marriage. I've been single for over three years and am beginning to think I never going to met my "Mr. right". I must admit I am a very picky dater, but there's nothing wrong with a girl having somewhat of a level of standards, right? I've tried internet dating, which failed horribly. Unfortunately the only meaningful " dating " relationships I've had resulted in 1) being cheated on and him running back to the ex, and 2) being the rebound girl and being told that he needs "space and isn't ready to date." I do respect #2, since he did treat me like a princess and was always honest with me, however he tended to indulge in alcoholic beverages quite often and would consequently forget what he told me, creating a bit of tension between us. I suppose I'm looking for some encouragement in regards to the subject of dating. I'm on the verge of my 30th birthday and would eventually like to get married and have children one day, albeit with the right person. I just don't understand if it's something I'm doing (or not doing), or if in fact I'm just continuely meeting the wrong sort of men. I participate in a social co-ed kickball league, so it's not like I'm a hermit. I mean, I'm a fairly independent gal, who's quite handy, loves to cook and is the maternal figure of by group of friends, low maintanence, spontaneous, fun-loving gal. I mean most of my friends don't know I'm nearly 30, which is very cool because I'll appreciate that later in life. The only advice my friends tend to offer is that I find the wrong men. But I was wondering if sometimes it is possible to come off "too strong", in which case I need to play up the "needy girl". Ugh, I'm so confused. Dating gurus, guys, any ideas out there? Perhaps I just need to take a break from the scene for awhile.
cinnamonstix49 Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 Sometimes you can find what you are looking for once you stop looking for it.
red-rose-in-winter Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 First of all there's NOTHING wrong with being "picky!!!" One of my friends is going through the same thing you are right now ~ only she latches onto ANY guy that shows her the least bit of attention....... But back to your situation.......If there's one thing that I've learned by dating is that you have to go through A LOT of frogs to get to your prince charming. It's just something you've gotta do!!! I went through countless "frogs" until I met my husband. It's not necessarily anything YOU are doing wrong ~ it's just that you are probably meeting the same types of men over and over and over. Maybe you could try a different approach. Try going someplace where you've never been before. Try new things or take up a new hobby. Just break out of the norm. As far as playing the "needy girl".....please, DON'T DO THAT!!! If you are a strong, independent woman, flaunt it!!! The right guy will be attracted to that. Please don't try to be someone you are not.
Bart_Weisser Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 Humm, this is interesting. I am about your age, and I am interested in what you have to say. Don't worry, I am in a relationship so I am not hitting on you. I am just curious in hearing your opinions and hopefully you would find mine useful also. >I hate dating, however I know it's a ritual one must endure to reach the stage of marriage. I have heard many women about your age saying the same thing. Is the dating game really a strain on the woman as much as the man? After all, most of the time, it is the woman who does the dumping, and so I thought they don't see it as "serious" as we do. Perhaps it is their need to get married (almost immediately) and don't want to spend more time on potential prospects, fearing that they may not work out (again, like the last one?). I am just speculating. > I must admit I am a very picky dater, but there's nothing wrong with a girl having somewhat > of a level of standards, right? I agree with you. I get turned off by ladies who are persistent as well. I admire their assertiveness, but in the mean time, in the back of my head, I wonder if they're just being, how would I say, in need of companionship. I guess a guy who comes in too strong (in a meek way) would come across as the same to you? > I've tried internet dating, which failed horribly. Again, this is troubling. It was my impression that there are 7x more guys than girls in any established on-line dating services. Obtaining meaningful dates for you shouldn't be a problem. Yet from the sound of it your prospects are just as bad as mine (for one, I don't believe in on-line dating ... I don't know why people have to meet people behind a wall? It just doesn't make sense). I am glad I get a girl's perspective. I would love to hear you elaborate on it. > Unfortunately the only meaningful " dating " relationships I've had resulted in 1) being cheated on and him running back to the ex > and 2) being the rebound girl and being told that he needs "space and isn't ready to date." Humm ... I never heard a guy do that. I thought a guy's take would be, to stay in the relationship until they find someone better, before they officially call it off and move on. This, of course, assumes that the man is not interested, but does not want to be single, for a variety of reasons. (One of them is that being single is a bad thing in the North American society). At least, they are being honest and tell you right off the bet (with respect to option Nr. 2). > I do respect #2, since he did treat me like a princess and was always honest with me, however he tended to > indulge in alcoholic beverages quite often and would consequently forget what he told me, creating a bit of > tension between us. I do believe that "Mr. Right" is one who makes you feel like a princess without treating you like one. If he does treat you like a princess, that means he is doing something to make you look like a princess, and this is already not natural. My previous relationship, I did all I could to make her special, but it only gave me more trouble. My current squeeze, however, is quite the opposite. We hardly have to go out of the way to do anything and we already feel special for each other. > I suppose I'm looking for some encouragement in regards to the subject of dating. I have to say, around this age, I too stopped the dating ritual. I do enjoy spending time (platonically and romantically) with different women. But the only issue, is that most of the girls are married, and hanging out is just different. Their respective spouses becomes, in my point of view, excess luggage, and I inevitably got chained down with it. Whilst you want out from the dating scene, I do encourage people to make new friends along the way, whether you are married or not (especially for the married couple ... pretending that you don't have to make friends anymore will only lead to trouble). > I'm on the verge of my 30th birthday and would eventually like to get married and have > children one day, albeit with the right person. Me, too > I just don't understand if it's something I'm doing (or not doing), or if in fact I'm just continuely meeting the wrong sort of men. "If God really wants us to suffer, He'd have answered our prayers." I think it is true with respect to dating. I used to believe in "one love, and live happily there after". But how boring would it be? The older I get, the more I realise I don't want to be stuck with the same person. A lot of my friends told me the opposite, but whilst I have my instinct to mate (i.e., to get marry), another side of me tells me I cannot be chained down, by anyone, even those I love. The important thing is, that to maintain a loving relationship, you also need to know when to "back it off" before the force that brought you two together becomes destructive. > I mean, I'm a fairly independent gal, who's quite handy, loves to cook and is the maternal figure of by group of friends, > low maintanence, spontaneous, fun-loving gal. I mean most of my friends don't know I'm nearly 30, which is very cool > because I'll appreciate that later in life. The only advice my friends tend to offer is that I find the wrong men. > But I was wondering if sometimes it is possible to come off "too strong", in which case I need to play up the "needy girl". > Ugh, I'm so confused. I was wondering about that myself when I do this. My theory is, that it's not your fault, and it's not anybody's fault. But, yes, you come on too strong. It is not because your are consciously needing a companion, but rather it is your subconscious need (i.e., primal instinct) that craves it. The subsconcious need blinded you that you don't notice you are coming on too strong. I think this is what self control truly means, to be able to handle your animal instincts so that you make effective use of your hormones! (Like in bed ... my bad). Don't worry, my friend, we all have our moments, and this will only come from practice. An alternate theory is that, though you have standards (your consciousness), your subconscious is not honouring these "standards". But this is just academic. > Dating gurus, guys, any ideas out there? Perhaps I just need to take a break from the scene for awhile. I think, with repsect to your post, is that your body is telling you that you need Mr. Right Now, but your consciousness tells you to hold on. They start doing different things. You have to ask yourself, why aren't you "coming on too strong" on any man in your field of vision? Most of the time you can control your instincts, but to those you are more stimulating, you lose it. All in all, it is probably a good idea to take a break from dating and just focus on your social self. Talk to your friends and spend time with them more often, while making new ones. Your prince charming may come this way instead. Anyways, love to talk to you again, BW.
blondeone Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 Just a question... what do men think is coming on too strong? I am also a very strong woman, I'm very confident, have a ton of friends male/female, I'm going to be 33 in October but have been blessed w/ good genes and most people think I'm in my early to mid 20's. So, I'm seeing this guy- well seeing each other is kind of strong- we're hanging out and being intimate. After we've been intimate- he cuddles up next to me and puts his head on my shoulder and I rub his head or face and I rarely say much- I'm much like a man in that respect- I don't want to discuss what just happend I just want to "BE"...would that scare a man away?
Bart_Weisser Posted July 22, 2004 Posted July 22, 2004 Blondie ... that's a good quesiton! > Just a question... what do men think is coming on too strong? Just like when you think a man is coming on too strong on you. My spidey sense usually tells me. It's kinda like a stranger started talking to you and you can sense that he is talking to you for the sake of talking kinda thing and your first thought is that you wanna get out of there. Aside from that "gut feeling" I cannot pinpoint what makes one "come on too strong". > I'm going to be 33 in October. Which day? (since mine's also in October) > After we've been intimate - I rarely say much - ...would that scare a man away? Silence is a nuance one should long to perfect! What a bliss, especially after the intimation! BW.
Author pees Posted July 25, 2004 Author Posted July 25, 2004 Unfortunately, this week guy #2 has made some rather misinformed conclusions, thus creating a multitude of negative vibes in my life, of which I don't need right now. I don't appreciate him making conclusions without gathering all the correct information. Essentially, he is talking behind my back, when in fact if he just picked up the phone, I would be glad to clear up the entire situation. This isn't high school any longer, however this example has shown me how immature and lost he truely is right now. I feel sorry for him, because he is essentially torturing his own soul and refuses to be loved by anyone because his bitterness is eating him up. He is trying to pull me down into his personal hell right now, and although I care very much for him, I won't allow him to do so. Needless to say this has definitely left a sour taste in my mouth in regards to the entire dating scene. Therefore after analyzing the situation, I've decided to take a break from the dating scene. As much as I'd love to be in a relationship right now, that just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me, so I'm not going to force the issue. In the meantime, I plan on enjoying the time by hanging with my friends and returning to college for my Masters. Also, I've decided to get back in touch with my intellectual roots by reading several of the literary classics from authors I've admired, but have never found time to read their works. Thanks to everyone for their insight into "dating", specifically to my situation. Wonderful advice all around, but BW many thanks for your analytical insights, which helped me comprehend the male psyche slightly more, but overall gave me a greater understanding and perspective of the issues at hand!! Love to hear your thoughts anytime...
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