Miserable

[LadyLost]

God, I am so miserable. I get through the week days...just. But crumble on Friday and continue the downward spiral all weekend.

I miss him so much. It's a physical pain.

I seem to be losing my resolve. I just want to see him. How can what he did to me no longer matter. Where has my anger gone. Nothing seems to take my mind off him.

I work with him and although we haven't spoken directly for 2 weeks now, he is everywhere. It's impossible to get him out my head. Awake or asleep. Life is passing me by. I can see it going on outside my window, but am unable to venture out.

One day at a time. One miserable bloody day at a time. It's been two weeks. I guess I just need to keep going. Know that in not being with him I won't ever, ever have to feel this way again.

All the while, he is at home. Wife and daughter and to the outside world a perfect family.

Hate him. Hate what he has done to me. Hate that he has destroyed me and was able to shrug it off and walk away. Pitying me it seems since he knows me well enough to know this is how I feel. This is who I have become. Hate him.

[wanting more]

Those feelings. I am still in the really pissed off phase. I know one day I will crash and start hurting because I really lived this man. And to think he just "is gone" out of my life. It confuses me do much, how can someone yoh think loves you just disappear. How can they treat you like that?? It fits to be even harder working at the same place, I don't have to deal with that but it's got to be torture. I know there will be events that I will see MM at because we are in the same business and I dread that. Thinking of you and keep posting, it does help some to let it out

[Mount]

Sorry you are in pain. I did not follow your previous posts, so what happened? Did you guys break off and go NC?

[LadyLost]

LFH, I seem to have lost all ability to do anything. It's so hard. When you are in this place to do anything other than sleep and be sad. The A, what I went through and finding the strength to finish it was honestly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I am emotionally exhausted. I look a wreck. I am focusing on work during the week, which works well and keeps my mind occupied, but I really want to crawl under the covers and not come out again for a long, long time.

Damn him!!

 

Mount- he left home twice... And went home twice. The second time was the end for me. We have only spoken once since and it was a call from me, hysterically crying down the phone. He knows what he has done to me. I know it has to be time to move on. Leave his sorry messed up ass behind.

 

Wanting More- thank you for your support. It's a pretty awful thing to go through. One of the things that keeps me going is the knowledge I won't ever let him make me feel this way ever again.. Be strong!

[LadyLost]

LFH, I hear what you are saying and if had only been two weeks I would agree. Problem is that it's been on and off with me very up and down for most of this year. I have been trying to get out of the A almost even before it started. I take responsibility for this. I allowed myself to get into this position. But my depression and mysery and self pity party has been running for months..

[LadyLost]

And... How do you really stop waiting for him to contact you. I work with him. I sit and I wait and I wait for him to reach out to me. This is one of the hardest things to cope with. The fact that it seems like he was able to walk away so easily and leave me behind.

[LoveTKO]

LFH, I hear what you are saying and if had only been two weeks I would agree. Problem is that it's been on and off with me very up and down for most of this year. I have been trying to get out of the A almost even before it started. I take responsibility for this. I allowed myself to get into this position. But my depression and mysery and self pity party has been running for months..

 

 

Sorry to hear what you are going through. You're obviously in a very dark place right now and it seems like your obsessive thought pattern about this guy and the subsequent fall-out has hijacked your mind. You mention that your depression has been running for months and it apparently isn't getting any better for you.

 

Do you have anybody you can talk to and work on some coping skills? Your emotions and misery are exacerbated because you are stressed out and the rug has been pulled from under you; you have lost your foundation so the negative thoughts about the A are only going to hit you 10X harder. You need some positive coping skills that can stop you from ruminating and wanting to go back to this guy.

[Summer Breeze]

My heart breaks for you Lady Lost. I went through quite a few Ddays and remember how they hurt thinking it was the end. The end came when I made the decision, like you, that I couldn't go on like it was. I had made up my mind and I knew I wasn't going to contact him but it still hurt and I still had the pain you're going through. I was able to keep away from him as far as business so I didn't have to face him day to day. I don't know how you're doing that and if you think you're not a strong person, just look at what you've done and how far you've come. You are incredibly strong.

 

As far as him seeing you every day and knowing how you feel let me suggest this. Concentrate on the day that you'll be over him. The day that you can walk down the hall and know what a POS he is and that you did exactly the right thing by ending it. One day you will be chatting with some friends and he'll catch a look at you and he will see strength. He will see the woman you were before you were involved with him and got lost. You'll laugh and tilt your head and if he smiles or acknowledges you, you'll look at him with the disdain and pity he deserves.

 

You are strong. You will get through this. See the woman you want to be and work on getting there. You having a great life is the best thing for you and probably will always keep him wondering about you.

[Fitz]

Sorry to hear about your pain!

 

But realize that what you're feeling is perfectly normal!

 

Ending a relationship (affair or otherwise) is usually painful! So, of course you're goint to miss him. That doesn't mean you're weak! It just means you're human.

 

Our emotions don't always work mathematically or logically. And that's OK -so long as we are able to objectively keep the bigger picture in perspective.

 

Which is to say, you learn from your mistakes and you grow and you keep moving along the path towards your own happiness. But that does NOT mean that one day you'll attain the emotional detachment of a robot.

 

Allow yourself a little room to be human! Confusion, frustration and conflicting emotions are challenges we all have to face at some point in our lives. And finding your truth does not mean the storm of emotions suddenly disappears. Life is hard! Getting through its challenges does NOT mean we have to be perfect.

[EmptyHeartGirl]

I'm sorry you're hurting, and I totally understand what you are going through as I continue to have my up and down days. Try to remind yourself of how you felt when he went home again, the anger, hurt you felt. Remembering those feelings usually help snap me back. If that doesn't help, you can always come on here and vent your frustrations.

 

It takes time and unfortunately it's gonna take a lot longer since you have to see him everyday. I wish you luck!!

[rhw]

look up the following songs by Mortal Love on iTunes. i wouldn't say it's *dark* music, so much as deeply honest. i'm serious. it's what's saving me now. and they're really good songs too! just for you, i'll even take the moment away from chores (ha!) to throw in a hard-hitting lyric from each one as a teaser.

 

(hug) i'm really right where you are so i know the pain. i just reached my breaking point early this week, that point where i finally knew (not decided) *knew* i couldn't take anymore. the anger still lingers, i will not stop loving him but i lost myself in the process and have to pull myself back out again. i owe it to me!!

 

anyway, here you go. the group is Mortal Love and these songs are like Rx for a shattered soul:

 

Serenity

"you'll never break my heart again/ i won't let you" <-- BOOM! lol

 

Senses

"the bitterness in my heart, i take no heed, can't feel the rain/ i've become my own disguise/ deprived of senses"

 

Empathy (speaks to me as if exMM were saying this to me)

"for how long can i keep you spinning in this downward spiral i know it's much too late but still, still i keep using you"

 

Reality

"All the beauty i feel - I know it's not real/ all the beauty i see will never belong to me/ i tried to hide but i fell apart/ why do i try to desolate my heart?" (f'ing LOVE this song)

 

Sanity (possibly one of my favorites just by the musical intro. words hit home too!)

"I know i'm self destructive/ i keep letting myself down..."

 

and finally, Existence

"Our relation- creation of dark passion/ i am forever subdued and tranquilized/your desertion- converting from my eyes My feelings caught in your jar like fireflies/ This sensation- frustrations of simplified minds, My dreams they die as they lie on the naked floor/ this dimension- ascension to sullen despair/ your eyes they lie as we cry to the tired sky..."

 

i don't know about you but i had my dreams b4 i met my xMM, throughout my relationship and now. and am not about to let them die on a floor somewhere. (hug again). take time to self-care. that is all i can offer.

[LadyLost]

All, your words and support really do mean a lot. So much of what is said here is so utterly true and exactly represents how I feel. When you are feeling so low, coming here does help.

Deep breath.

Nearly time for another week. Here it comes..

 

LoveTKO- I know you are talking the truth. Its a very, very scary place to be and I know I need (more) help. I don't know the answers to any questions. I just know I can't go on like this for much longer.

[LadyLost]

It seems, when I really think about it, that the hardest thing is his silence. He's gone. He's not fighting for me anymore. He is moving on. He is moving on with his life. His wife. His daughter. His life.

[LoveTKO]

All, your words and support really do mean a lot. So much of what is said here is so utterly true and exactly represents how I feel. When you are feeling so low, coming here does help.

Deep breath.

Nearly time for another week. Here it comes..

 

LoveTKO- I know you are talking the truth. Its a very, very scary place to be and I know I need (more) help. I don't know the answers to any questions. I just know I can't go on like this for much longer.

 

 

What I'm trying to convey here is that by reading your post it is obvious that this is starting to take a physical toll on you. You need counseling, or some other form of support, in order to deal with the depression, insomnia, stress that this affair has caused. If you get help you will be able to cope so much better in addition to working on your decision making skills. Your mind and soul is now eclipsed by a dark cloud worse than the actual break-up and what not. You need to break that negative, ruminating (what if, why, maybe if I did this, etc) thought pattern.

[mercy]

Put yourself in the position of the wife who will live with the pain and images for the rest of her life. And count yourself lucky that you, who helped do that do her, will one day get over it like just another break up.

 

Honestly. Get over it. You had no right to be there in the first place.

 

Someone who cries out for help and mercy can't be denied. At least to me. I have to extend mercy, it's her pain that should be the focus. Where it came from matters not to me. I'm sorry you feel this way. Though I understand it, too.

 

OP, I've been where you are, broken and lost. Feeling there is no way back. No hope.

 

I'm going to tell you something you may find ridiculous. I can't seem to find where I posted it before so I'll say it again.

 

I slowly became sick of myself and all that was going on in my head. The why's of it all were driving me insane and I decided to punish myself, in the sense of not rewarding myself for thinking those thoughts. Because if I allowed myself I could wallow in self pity. And what a party I would have.

 

So I decided to do something about it. If I chose to think those thoughts I'd go stand in my hallway facing the cabinets. I've never liked being in that place because I can't see outside, it's just filled with shadows. I'd stop whatever it was I was doing and go stand there. I'd tell myself ok think about it all you want. And there I'd stand. Mostly crying sometimes annoyed at being there, thinking I don't want to be here. Slowly I chose to continue on with what I was doing and not think those thoughts in the hallway. At first it scared me, well what will I do if I don't think about it. Enjoy myself that's what I'd do. What a novel thought. I deserve to be happy, at peace with myself. I mean, who better than me, right? Who better than you? Right?

 

And speaking of windows. Open those curtains and blinds. Pull a chair up to the window. Sit on the porch, under a tree. Watch the sunrise - it's a new day. Watch it set - you've made it through. One day you'll not only make it through, you'll soar!

[strongnrelaxed]

Lady Lost, I hope you never let others judge you first of all. We are all humans and we screw up - a LOT.

 

That being said, we also have to come to terms with the consequences of our actions. In this case you are dealing with the consequences of your actions and his.

 

These pains should not kill us or last any longer than necessary.

 

A good outcome, I think, from all of this would involve a few things.

 

1. You never get involved with someone who is taken ever again.

2. If your man ever cheats on you, you will show some understanding because of your actions here.

3. You will learn about human nature here and try to avoid judging others

4. You will note, as you have, that he is moving on. What you had was not a real LTR and so you should not grieve too much as if it had been. What you are experiencing now is very real, but it is like withdrawals from an addiction. Be careful not to medicate these feelings in the wrong way.

 

Good luck.

[Summer Breeze]

Lady Lost you've gotten some very good advice on here. Some comments I find unnecessarily cruel but you can sift through those yourself. Just focus on the ones that facilitate your healing and let the others fall by the wayside.

 

I'm worried about you too. I hope you take LoveTKO's advice and get some help. You need to make sure you're ok and find the strength to get through this. Keep writing.

[whichwayisup]

But my depression and mysery and self pity party has been running for months..

 

A bad place to be..So, what can you do to change that? In baby steps - Join a yoga class - For Saturday mornings. This will get you up and out of bed, something to look forward to. Yoga is so good for the soul, body, mind and of course exercise.

 

Keep busy. I find when I feel down, putting on music and cleaning actually helps. It's distracting and makes you forget as you're focussing on something else other than your own pain.

 

Volunteer somewhere. Again, focussing on other things will help you focus less on your pain.

 

This takes time..Pain lessens over time but you need to be pro active in making it lessen by not allowing him to enter your thoughts, no more allowing yourself to fantasize and hope. Stop waiting for him to contact you (by phone or email)..He's moved on and you waiting/hoping/wishing he'll come back (even as a friend) is pointless and you're wasting energy on someone who isn't worthy of you!

 

Reach out to your women friends and family.

 

And, if you can, start looking for another job. Working with your exMM isn't healthy for you.

[rhw]

I find when I feel down, putting on music and cleaning actually helps.

 

for me too! and listen to "Sanity"! (see reply in previous pages). seriously, if there is one song i strongly recommend for anyone going through the devastation/hatred/pain, it's this one. kinda makes me imagine myself in a dress and combat boots, walking away from explosions behind me. something about how the song starts and how the lead singer belts out that "i know i'm self-destructive/ i keep letting myself down..." line. <--it's profoundly cathartic to recognize and acknowledge that because then i can make the choice not to let that ever happen again.

[veryhappy]

You know that it's better that he's moving on rather than continuing to show up to your door, and leave after one day, one week. That gives you the chance to move on too.

 

I'm not one to suggest looking for another job lightly, but how realistic is it that you'd find something else? If you could completely delete him out of your life, that would help you tremendously. Or you know, ask the MM to change jobs. He's getting everything else, so if he loved you so much, he might as well show it that way. I'm not saying resume conversation to him. I'm only suggesting a short, to the point discussion of " how about you up and move?" You don't have to pay all the price. He was part of it too.

[LadyLost]

Cutedragon, Whichway... A new job will be a huge thing. I have been 'looking' for a while now, but after all these years- more than 10.. It's a massive step and when I am feeling so low I am not sure it's a good idea.

He is everywhere though and the time may come some time soon when I feel strong enough to really leave him behind.

Asking him to leave.. It's a really difficult one. I guess as much as I feel pain in having work contact, I can't fool myself that it also gives me a certain degree of comfort. I know I will get shouted down and I know this is not a good thing, but I guess I'm not ready either to really, really close all doors.

Thinking about him moving on is a good motivator.

 

Give me some time..

 

Whichway, I hoovered today and yes, it felt good to finally do something a little bit positive.

[LadyLost]

Strongnrelaxed. I can promise you... I will never, ever, go down this path again.

 

Never.