Why to some people dating is the relationship?

[joystickd]

I've always thought dating was the getting to know someone to figure out if they are someone you can be in a relationship with. That means sometimes you have to date more than one person and noting is wrong with that. I see these gigantic egos that desire to be fed by this desire to be dating exclusive. I call that a relationship. It's funny as hell how people complain about dating and finding that special person but they work hard to find ways to skip the actual dating process and go straight to the relationship. Then they complain about the opposite sex wanting certain things ie sex or even quality time.

[Pyro]

I agree that the dating stage is not the relationship stage.

 

I suppose that some people may give the indication or even say that they are only dating that one person, which may make some people assume that they are exclusive.

 

Communication is key.

[SmileFace]

Hmm, this is very interesting.

 

I am dealing with some thing like this now and I am so use to getting to know someone to mean dating and that is why I have been so opposed to it. However being friends and actually getting to know each other seems refreshing.

[carhill]

I delineated and delineate dating from relationships by the simple and profound act of lovemaking, so for myself there is no ambiguity. It's definitely a relationship after we've made love and for myself generally a short period period prior to that. Dating usually has occupied at least a couple months prior to that point, as 'getting to know' with regular and increasingly intimate contact. Hence, I've only had 'relationships' with four women, three long term and one marriage, but dated a few dozen over the decades.

 

For others (men), socializing with women and having sex with them is a relationship of sorts, hence terms like FWB. For others, their definition of dating includes non-exclusive sex. For others, exclusive sex but not an exclusive relationship where they continue to consider other potentials. Different strokes for different folks. If it's satisfying and equitable to/for they and their partners, that's their path.

[joystickd]

I see one user on here constantly complain about men pushing for sex and at the same time she pushes for a relationship and wants to divert the dating process and go straight to the relationship. Why complain about someone pushing for sex when you are pushing for a relationship? I mean people in relationships have sex.

[joystickd]

I asked once on a multidating thread what reason should a person in the dating stage want to exclusively date you. I got courtesy. If I am at the stage of getting to know perspective people to see if they are worthy of being in a relationship then it's ridiculous to halt that process to spend time and put eggs in one basket to know one person to see if they are worthy to be in a relationship with. The courtesy comment showed so much ego on that person. It says a lot when asked what they offer and all you can say is do it out of courtesy.

[Anela]

I see one user on here constantly complain about men pushing for sex and at the same time she pushes for a relationship and wants to divert the dating process and go straight to the relationship. Why complain about someone pushing for sex when you are pushing for a relationship? I mean people in relationships have sex.

 

She wants to get to know them better before sex. She wants to know that they aren't sleeping with anyone else, and that they are interested in her for more than her body. I don't see any problem with that.

 

I don't get the "have sex with them, and see them again if you like them/want to get to know them better" crowd.

[RedRobin]

Most men in my demographic and location are not suitable candidates for a relationship with me for a variety of reasons.

 

I have no compelling reason to have sex with them prior to finding this out.

 

In my observation, sex with strangers brings uncertain outcomes... for women, those outcomes are at best... inconveniently having to find ways to end things gracefully... all the way up to getting involved with potentially dangerous men.

 

Not to mention damage to her reputation.

 

I do get it that lots of men find it easy to jump into the sack with random women they don't know very well. There are minimal consequences for doing so... or so they believe.

 

The ones who understand the responsibility and potential consequences of sleeping with strangers???

 

Those are the kind of men I want... Not the foolish ones who have something to prove or think that sexual accountability only works in one direction...

[joystickd]

She wants to get to know them better before sex. She wants to know that they aren't sleeping with anyone else, and that they are interested in her for more than her body. I don't see any problem with that.

 

I don't get the "have sex with them, and see them again if you like them/want to get to know them better" crowd.

What these women expect when they want to skip the dating process and be exclusive? These guys are going to push for sex because you want to be exclusive. Then these women whine about no one valuing relationships. They are the ones that do by working so hard to actually skip the dating process and wanting to be exclusive early on. Men too because there are men that want to be exclusive early on too. Its seems people egos are so fragile they can't handle a little competition.

[joystickd]

Most men in my demographic and location are not suitable candidates for a relationship with me for a variety of reasons.

 

I have no compelling reason to have sex with them prior to finding this out.

 

In my observation, sex with strangers brings uncertain outcomes... for women, those outcomes are at best... inconveniently having to find ways to end things gracefully... all the way up to getting involved with potentially dangerous men.

 

Not to mention damage to her reputation.

 

I do get it that lots of men find it easy to jump into the sack with random women they don't know very well. There are minimal consequences for doing so... or so they believe.

 

The ones who understand the responsibility and potential consequences of sleeping with strangers???

 

Those are the kind of men I want... Not the foolish ones who have something to prove or think that sexual accountability only works in one direction...

At the same time you have to consider that some of these men push because the woman wants to be exclusive. If they want to treat dating like the relationship then sex is a part of that. It's different if you are a woman that is trying to get to know someone but you have to understand that is dating and not exclusive. Fragile egos can't handle the competition

[threebyfate]

I asked once on a multidating thread what reason should a person in the dating stage want to exclusively date you. I got courtesy. If I am at the stage of getting to know perspective people to see if they are worthy of being in a relationship then it's ridiculous to halt that process to spend time and put eggs in one basket to know one person to see if they are worthy to be in a relationship with. The courtesy comment showed so much ego on that person. It says a lot when asked what they offer and all you can say is do it out of courtesy.

Swap perspectives for a minute. Who's being more egotistical, the person who wants a one-on-one dating process or the one who juggles, getting his ego stroked through multi-dating?

 

Both processes have their reasons and purposes. To suggest one is better or less egotistical, would be highly dishonest.

[RedRobin]

What these women expect when they want to skip the dating process and be exclusive? These guys are going to push for sex because you want to be exclusive. Then these women whine about no one valuing relationships. They are the ones that do by working so hard to actually skip the dating process and wanting to be exclusive early on. Men too because there are men that want to be exclusive early on too. Its seems people egos are so fragile they can't handle a little competition.

 

It has nothing to do with ego. It has everything to do with focus, willingness to invest, and providing an environment where trust and intimacy can grow.

 

There will always be competition...

 

Anyway, this is why I don't date strangers.

 

There is a 'getting to know' stage where I'm not asking alot of questions about what they do in their personal life... just observing and interacting in a more-or-less platonic way with romantic interest building from that.

 

Once things become more intimate (including with physical contact), there will be some emotional investment (perhaps significant emotional investment) on my part and I prefer they are also invested in giving things the best shot possible.

 

That is the best explanation I can give...

[joystickd]

Swap perspectives for a minute. Who's being more egotistical, the person who wants a one-on-one dating process or the one who juggles, getting his ego stroked through multi-dating?

 

Both processes have their reasons and purposes. To suggest one is better or less egotistical, would be highly dishonest.

I hate the term multidating. I just consider it dating. The person that wants one on one. What I am saying is dating is getting to know someone and there is nothing wrong with getting to know more than one person especially if you are a person that is figuring out what you want in the opposite sex. We all can come up with a list of qualities that look good on paper and getting to know someone and seeing these qualities can help us tweak the list. I see people that treat dating like a relationship and the relationship like marriage. Then they wonder what happened with the relationship or even why they have trouble finding members of the opposite sex compatible with them.

 

There is no ego stroking if you and the other people are "multidating". If I am getting to know 2 women I have to assume they are doing the same thing so I have to work hard at the same time to show I am a good partner to be in a relationship and them the same.

[joystickd]

It has nothing to do with ego. It has everything to do with focus, willingness to invest, and providing an environment where trust and intimacy can grow.

 

There will always be competition...

 

Anyway, this is why I don't date strangers.

 

There is a 'getting to know' stage where I'm not asking alot of questions about what they do in their personal life... just observing and interacting in a more-or-less platonic way with romantic interest building from that.

 

Once things become more intimate (including with physical contact), there will be some emotional investment (perhaps significant emotional investment) on my part and I prefer they are also invested in giving things the best shot possible.

 

That is the best explanation I can give...

In a way that is ego. I am investing and I have no reassurance you are doing the same thing. I know for me a woman has to work hard for me to invest. I am not an eggs in one basket kind of guy when just in the dating stage of things. Women I get to know we talk all the time so its not just a go out and meet thing. I like to compare and contrast. I prefer to do that. I look at it like how do you know this is the absolute person for you if you don't actually get to know other members of the opposite sex too.

[RedRobin]

Except that alot of guys are quite disingenuous, two-faced, and double standard-y (even in vague ways they themselves don't understand) about what they... the guy... is allowed to do while 'multi-dating'... and what the women they are interested in are doing.

 

I view multi-dating as primarily a benefit for men who want to have sex with multiple women simultaneously... while women are still obliged to be the more 'chaste' one...

 

Which is why I don't date strangers...because I want to get to know the man before committing to romantic interest... and why I don't date multi-dating men... I'm not dating or becoming emotionally invested in men who are sleeping with others or trying to.

 

If it works for you, then fine.

[threebyfate]

I hate the term multidating. I just consider it dating. The person that wants one on one. What I am saying is dating is getting to know someone and there is nothing wrong with getting to know more than one person especially if you are a person that is figuring out what you want in the opposite sex. We all can come up with a list of qualities that look good on paper and getting to know someone and seeing these qualities can help us tweak the list. I see people that treat dating like a relationship and the relationship like marriage. Then they wonder what happened with the relationship or even why they have trouble finding members of the opposite sex compatible with them.

 

There is no ego stroking if you and the other people are "multidating". If I am getting to know 2 women I have to assume they are doing the same thing so I have to work hard at the same time to show I am a good partner to be in a relationship and them the same.

Now you've shifted reasoning for why you multidate. This is called back pedaling. Refer back to "putting all your eggs in one basket" and "ridiculous to halt the process", as in your ego needs protection from initial investment and also, that you deserve to juggle aka ego focused.

 

Come on. Just let people be themselves. What works for you might not work for others. I've done both and find them to be useful for different perspectives. One isn't better than the other. But I will be frank with you and when I was multidating, wasn't in the mood to invest so I didn't. Frame of mind is key to investing. When you're staggering yourself over more than one person, it's an ego defense mechanism mindset which means it's an unconscious process. You're protecting yourself from hurt which can result in never investing.

[veggirl]

It takes me ONE (mayyyybe 2?) dates with someone to decide I like them to enough to see if are compatible for a real relationship. I don't have the time OR energy to take more than 1 person at a time for that ride. How am I gonna get to know person A if I am spending so much time dating Person B? Not to mention I have a life outside of dating.

[joystickd]

I understand the reservations you women have about it. You see a man talking about dating more than one woman. It doesn't mean they are having sex with them or not investing in you but I see it as egotistical because you feel like something is being taken away. If a person is absolutely honest about it then there should be no problems. The ball is in your court then. Do you decide to continue getting to know this person and work hard to show your qualities that make you worthy to be in a relationship in or do you feel threatened because you perceive they are not invested in you and not talk to them at all? That is how I see it. I am just offering my perspective on things. I see men that never marry women because you give them all the benefits of marriage. I see men that never want relationships because women give them all the benefits of a relationship without being in one. I mean other benefits outside of sex too ladies. You know the closeness, intimacy and emotional investment on the relationship and marriage leve.

[joystickd]

Now you've shifted reasoning for why you multidate. This is called back pedaling. Refer back to "putting all your eggs in one basket" and "ridiculous to halt the process", as in your ego needs protection from initial investment and also, that you deserve to juggle aka ego focused.

 

Come on. Just let people be themselves. What works for you might not work for others. I've done both and find them to be useful for different perspectives. One isn't better than the other. But I will be frank with you and when I was multidating, wasn't in the mood to invest so I didn't. Frame of mind is key to investing. When you're staggering yourself over more than one person, it's an ego defense mechanism mindset which means it's an unconscious process. You're protecting yourself from hurt which can result in never investing.

Investing is a relationship word. Stick with the context of dating. You know getting to know someone. The women that have reservations speak in relationship terms. I am exclusively talking about dating. I'm not back pedaling.

[joystickd]

My first success with women was being the other man so it has given me a different mindset. I delude myself into thinking I am the only person she is talking too. I work hard to give a full view of myself so she can make an informed decision about me. I know she has to maybe compare that to other men she is talking to. As a person that could possibly be a relationship partner I can't be lax and think I am the only person so I have to always bring my A game.

 

Let's be honest I see plenty of people that are in relationships that when they dated didn't bring their A game and maybe a little competition would have helped. I'm just a man that has learned to not be afraid of competition when it comes to dating. Relationships that is a whole different ball game

[RedRobin]

I understand the reservations you women have about it. You see a man talking about dating more than one woman. It doesn't mean they are having sex with them or not investing in you but I see it as egotistical because you feel like something is being taken away. If a person is absolutely honest about it then there should be no problems. The ball is in your court then. Do you decide to continue getting to know this person and work hard to show your qualities that make you worthy to be in a relationship in or do you feel threatened because you perceive they are not invested in you and not talk to them at all? That is how I see it. I am just offering my perspective on things. I see men that never marry women because you give them all the benefits of marriage. I see men that never want relationships because women give them all the benefits of a relationship without being in one. I mean other benefits outside of sex too ladies. You know the closeness, intimacy and emotional investment on the relationship and marriage leve.

 

There are lots of ways to get to know someone.

 

If a man wanted to date me and someone else simultaneously I dont view that as them taking something away... nor do I feel threatened. I just view our goals and values as different. We arent compatible.

 

My time is valuable. I dont believe multidating leads to intimacy... since i am looking for intimacy... i dont multidate and dont spend my time dating those who do... i am open to getting to know people in all kinds of situations... just not romantically.

[joystickd]

Except that alot of guys are quite disingenuous, two-faced, and double standard-y (even in vague ways they themselves don't understand) about what they... the guy... is allowed to do while 'multi-dating'... and what the women they are interested in are doing.

 

I view multi-dating as primarily a benefit for men who want to have sex with multiple women simultaneously... while women are still obliged to be the more 'chaste' one...

 

Which is why I don't date strangers...because I want to get to know the man before committing to romantic interest... and why I don't date multi-dating men... I'm not dating or becoming emotionally invested in men who are sleeping with others or trying to.

 

If it works for you, then fine.

Women have the same qualities so you cant say those are exclusive to men.

[joystickd]

There are lots of ways to get to know someone.

 

If a man wanted to date me and someone else simultaneously I dont view that as them taking something away... nor do I feel threatened. I just view our goals and values as different. We arent compatible.

 

My time is valuable. I dont believe multidating leads to intimacy... since i am looking for intimacy... i dont multidate and dont spend my time dating those who do... i am open to getting to know people in all kinds of situations... just not romantically.

 

You prefer to skip the dating process. Its no wonder no man in your area is compatible.

[RedRobin]

Women have the same qualities so you cant say those are exclusive to men.

Except the consequences for men are much lower...hence the higher probability in men... although that is changing as stigmas drop for women.

[joystickd]

 

My time is valuable.

A very egotistical thing to say. It show you actually feel something is being taken away. Everyone's time is valuable so what makes your time more important.