flower girl Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 Hey all...I've been debating about posting here for awhile and I finally got the courage to do so. I need your support, thanks for welcoming me here. My situation is that in Sept of 04 I found out that my H had been having an affair for 4 years. The OW called to tell me this b/c he was trying again to break it off with her and she wanted the last laugh. We've been together for 8 years, married for 3 and her phone call came on the heels of us buying our first home and after I had a very emotionally difficult ectopic pregnancy. H is also 11 years older than me and we have no children. Needless to say, I stayed and we have been working it out for the past 10 months both in MC and on our own. There is a lot of distance between us though. My line of work is slow in the summer, but H and I have decided that as soon as it is right for me financially, we are going to seperate. My dilemma is that recently I had a one night stand with a mutual male friend while my H was out of town. The 3 of us had gone out one night a few weeks prior to us sleeping togeher. He invited me to a party. My H was right there when he asked me. So it was ok. His words were something about there is no reason for me to be at home alone on the 4th of July so I might as well come out to the party with him. This friend was my acquantince first throught a former roommate. He has become a friend of mine through time and the fact that he and H are both runners and have a few other common interests. But they aren't exceptionllay close. More like drinking/sports buddies. The 3 of us however do a lot together. He comes over for dinner often and we go out to bars together a lot too. Sometimes I feel like it's ME that they really have in common and that's why this friend hangs around someone so different from him and his usual circle. I have been attracted to this guy since the first day I met him. He's my "type" mysterious, artistic and incredibly sexy. Nothing like my analytical, college professor H. I know now that this friend been attracted to me for a long time and in his words was just "playing it cool" around my H. He's even gone as far at times to make me think that I annoyed him just to make sure there was no way anyone could think that he was into me. Needless to say, we had a great time at the party. I met friends of his that my H has never met and probably never will. The bes part is that everyone thought we were a couple. It was the first time that just the two of us could really talk and enjoy ourselves w/o my H around. H is kind of uptight. He doesn't like to have more than one or two drinks, won't dance and easily becomes bored in social situations like that. I on the other hand like to live it up! Whenever the 3 of us go out, this friend and I always end up having our own private party. He shares my idea of what a good time is and we share the same sense of humor too. At any rate we took a walk after leaving the party and we started talking. He already had a sense that there was some sort of trouble at home, so he brought it up. His attentiveness combined with the alcohol made me feel like I could confide in him. One thing led to another and we ended up in a cab, final destination, his place. Honestly, it was the most intense sex I've ever had but it was also very intimate. At one point while it was happening, he whispered in my ear that "we'd have such beautiful children". Even my H has never said anything that intimate to me during sex. We said lots of intimate things to each other that went way beyond a typical one night stand. I didn't sleep with him to get revenge on my H. I did it because i wanted to and I have for a long time. I didn't think about H once the whole night we were together. Now I can't stop thinking about being with the friend. I am the first women that my friend has kissed or slept with since he broke up with his last girlfriend a year and a half ago. Is that something to be concerned or excited about? He's lonely. He's really been wanting a relationship but not connecting with anyone...except me. When we talked the day after, he told me that no matter how this ends, he wants me to be happy and that he hoped our expereince of being together would help me to get more happiness out of life. He also said that he doesn't want to continue to see me sexually since we'd have to hide or sneak around H's back. His exact words at one point were that he didn't want to have a relationship with someone who was already in one. When I told him that I felt like us having slept together makes things more complicated he said it didn't, that it only makes him closer to me now and that he's happy that he can support me through this time. At any rate, I haven't seen or spoke to him since. Though he did have a drink with my H about a week ago before leaving the country. The friend has been in Europe the past week for his brother's wedding. He flies back today. i sent him an email wishing him a safe trip before he left and got no response, but that's not out of the ordinary for him. Sometimes he won't reply to my emails for weeks and that was before we had sex. So, how bad have i screwed up here? Did we just "use" each other for a lonely night? Was it a one night stand and I need to just accept that? Or is he just trying to "play it cool" with me now? Does he want more and maybe even have feelings for me and doesn't want to go there b/c of the circumstances? He doesn't know of our pending plans for sepearation. Is he waiting to see what my next step is? I feel like he gives me so many mixed messages. I don't want to jump in a relationship with him after sepearting from H. I know that that is dangerous with a capital "DANGEROUS!" for us both. And how that can come back to get me tenfold if end up getting divorced. But I don't want to lose my freind either. Maybe I already have. I am starting to feel lately like this whole thing was just a case of him chasing the forbidden fruit and now that we did the deed, he's lost interest. I don't want to believe that, but I don't know what else to do. One thing's for sure, he can't care about my H too much, because a friend wouldn't seduce another man's wife regardless of how hot he might be for her. I think that he knew exactly what the outcome would be when he asked me to that party. And he justified it by asking me in front of my H so that he would be in the clear of any wrongdoings. Did I just get played or is there something else going on here? Insight, advice, words of wisdom? Someone please, please help me get out of this fog...
JarrodsLady Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 Only time will tell with situations like this. Dont think too much into it because regardless of how much you think, you will never figure the answer. Just live life as normal as possible and see how things turn out. Are you still intimate with your husband?
Whoahhgirl Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 I think JarrodsLady gave some really great advice. All in the same token, I think this friend of yours made it clear what he wanted after you two had been together. You can take what he said several different ways, but in the end he was saying that he didn't want a relationship where the other person was attached to someone else already. More or less saying it wasn't going to be more than what it was. I think possibly he knew you were having troubles in your marriage and could have taken advantage of your emotions. Your right, how could he sleep with his friend's wife? Instead of helping you... he let other things happen. It may have been the perfect opportunity to take advantage of the situation. (Your hubby being gone, you both needing someone and you're having problems in your marriage) You also mentioned that he was lonely. Maybe for one night he needed someone to help him cope with that. Bottom line, never try to figure out what someone else is thinking especially if you don't ask them. You could come up with 100 different answers and still not know. As it was said, only time will tell.
Author flower girl Posted July 20, 2004 Author Posted July 20, 2004 Thank you both for your great advice. I know that I can't think about it too much. Posting here was good for me to express my feelings about the situation in a safe place. I feel a lot better. I just have to let time pass and continue to work on getting myself in a better place. To answer your question Jarods Lady, the last time I was intimate with my husband was about 2 months ago and it was "mercy sex". It's funny that you both told me to let time tell the story. That's the exact same thing that my friend said to me the one and only time that we spoke about what happened. I am starting to realize that he did take advantage of me. It's starting to make me wonder why I care so much about someone who obviously doesn't have much respect for me or my H, his friend and in some ways himself. Even under other circumstances, would I want to be in a relationship with someone ike that? He told me that I was an amazing woman and he would like to have a relationship with me one day if that's what ended up happening. But, in retrospect, I think he may have just been telling me what I wanted to hear. Maybe in some twisted way his way of "helping" me was to say things that would make me feel good about myself since it's obvious that I haven't in a long time. I guess that we both got what we wanted. If I lose him as a freind, fine. That's his loss. I have tried to reach out to him. I can only hope that one day soon he'll realize the full impact of his actions and how deeply affected that we both are now as a result of it. This sort of thing is never easy but it shouldn't be this difficult either. I guess it's time to move on in more ways than one...
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