Gab09 Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Julia, I'm really sorry you're in that ugly position :/ Be careful though, you can never be too sure that he really just wants to be friends.. I had a friend who got dumped and her ex just felt so bad for what he did that he literally just wanted to "be there for her".. Not go back.. And I think Calico hit it right in the head, people say to go for full NC as soon as you break up, but I think to some of us, we need that small amount of pain to motivate us and make us move forward. Some times we do need to try and fix things, I agree, for a small amount of time and just move on. I personally think that's what I need. Stay strong Julia, I know you can overcome this, just don't open yourself up to get hurt so easily again.
Calico Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Im thinking i should keep meeting up with him .. but then i think it would just hurt me more .. but on the other hand i do want to talk to him and see him etc. So you have not had enough of the pain yet. I understand that. I broke my NC with my ex too and we have been talking yesterday, and will talk again today. I was rewarded with another night of painful dreams and a day of neediness and despair, inability to get much food down, and a stress level that's through the roof. A few more of those days and nights and I'll call it quits, because at some point the survival instinct kicks in and I'll walk away. Im so confused at the moment .. and i feel like he's got the upper hand now .. The confusion is normal. Just play it by ear for now until you have a better idea of what you want do do. YOU have the upper hand, because in this situation you have the choice to walk away. He has no control over that decision. At any time you can say, "Okay, this has hurt me long enough and now I stop contact for X days, X weeks, X months or until I am healed." That's the power you have, and it is yours alone. You are in this situation because you made the choice to stay in it for now. Nothing wrong with this, either, just realize that it is something you chose to do. You are not powerless and whenever you want, you can make a different decision (one for yourself -- you have no control over what anyone else does).
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 I know you can overcome this, just don't open yourself up to get hurt so easily again. Thanks Gab ! it is just really hard to see him act like nothing ever happened , and he's back to himself. i mean before i spoke to him he was all down and upset .. but soon after i spoke to him he's acting like everything is ok, do you think he's ok because he knows that I'm ok? even if I'm acting it?
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 YOU have the upper hand, because in this situation you have the choice to walk away. He has no control over that decision. At any time you can say, "Okay, this has hurt me long enough and now I stop contact for X days, X weeks, X months or until I am healed." That's the power you have, and it is yours alone. You are in this situation because you made the choice to stay in it for now. Nothing wrong with this, either, just realize that it is something you chose to do. You are not powerless and whenever you want, you can make a different decision (one for yourself -- you have no control over what anyone else does). Thanks Calico! you make a very good point with the upper hand situation .. sometimes you just need some one to spell it out to you. How long did your NC go for? and when you guys were talking for the first time how was it?
threebyfate Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 NC is like cauterizing the wound. You heal faster. The longer you maintain LC, the longer it takes for you to move on.
Calico Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 How long did your NC go for? and when you guys were talking for the first time how was it? My first attempt at NC was out of desperation and we basically said goodbye to one another, both of us crying for hours. It was very emotional and very pathetic, and that wasn't really how I wanted that to go. It felt more like a nervous breakdown than "moving on". Two days later I decided that this is not how I want to do it, so I called her up yesterday (I was in a pretty good emotional place at the time) and we talked for about six hours straight. It was a good, civil, natural-feeling conversation where we sorted through some stuff of the past, how I feel about the whole being friends things, etc. The pain came back after the conversation, and it was stronger than before, which made me think that it's really like drinking alcohol when you want to get away from it -- you get the fix, you feel good until it wears off. There was a lot of closure in our talking, but while that had felt "relaxing" at first, after we talked it turned into despair and self-blame. I kept going over some of the stuff she said and I went partially back into the denial loop. When I woke up, she was online and we texted a little, and agreed to phone some more tomorrow (today). This isn't necessarily what I recommend, and it's really a play-by-ear thing. It feels a little like emotional self-medication and that's potentially dangerous. She's fairly gentle with me, which is both good and bad (I think having a nasty ex speeds things up). But no, I won't draw that out, though I don't really know how I'll continue exactly. I'm probably just lacking resolution and drag out the inevitable. Afraid of letting go, even though that is what must be done. I certainly never had a breakup that was *this* difficult and painful. Then again, in all other cases I was the dumper and the dumpees moved on quickly, or the dumpers were nasty and cut me out completely. This relationship was also the longest with a lot of "going through bad times together" times. It's harder to let that go.
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 The longer you maintain LC, the longer it takes for you to move on. Thats the thing though .. i can't maintain NC .. because he is my partner in a project where we both need to do an oral presentation together and write the report together ....
123321 Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 What does this all mean!??!?! "I've been wanting to break it off with you for quite a while but I didn't want to have to live with unilaterally hurting your feelings like that, but now that you mention it, adios."
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 This relationship was also the longest with a lot of "going through bad times together" times. It's harder to let that go. I know how you feel! how long were you guys dating? and do you really want to get back with her? I find it really hard, as i was looking through my emails and just 1 week before he broke it off, he sent me a soppy email - i love you to bits etc etc.. just made me burst into tears! ~ - girls and being all emotional .
Calico Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 I know how you feel! how long were you guys dating? and do you really want to get back with her? I find it really hard, as i was looking through my emails and just 1 week before he broke it off, he sent me a soppy email - i love you to bits etc etc.. just made me burst into tears! ~ - girls and being all emotional . We had been friends for a while, then a couple for about four years. This was actually my first relationship that started out as a friendship. All others (none of which lasted longer than two years) were of the "love at first sight" type. Maybe that made their ends easier to deal with, too, because you didn't end up with less than you had at the start. One thing I learned from this is that it's not a good idea if your best friend is also your partner and lover. Do I want to get her back? More than anything. But as much I like to engage in fancy delusions and project my feelings on her, I don't believe that it's a realistic option right now. There needs to be time, and she needs to sort out whatever it is she has going with that other guy. Gibson would remind me at this point that I need to "man up" and not even consider getting back with someone who has cheated on me, but I'm still in the stage where I make excuses for her and try to find blame on my end. Time will help that, too!
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 Time will help that, too! Waoh, good on you calico for trying to sort this all out! i find it really .. special (you could say) where people are able to help each other in similar situations .. makes u feel like that your not alone. yeah you see i was friends with my ex aswell .. intact he liked me from day one .. but i had a boyfriend at that time .. and so of course we didn't date till a year later (when me and my other ex broke up). i really thought that this guys is it! i mean planning holidays and houses and jobs together etc .. seems all like a distant memory now.
Calico Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Waoh, good on you calico for trying to sort this all out! i find it really .. special (you could say) where people are able to help each other in similar situations .. makes u feel like that your not alone. Yes, it's a very special place. I have been spending a ton of time on here lately, reading and posting. It seems to be the only distraction that actually works and that gets me through the waking hours. Everything else reminds me of her, one of the downsides of having done everything together (same hangouts, same video games, same people, partially overlapping work stuff, etc.), or I can't work up interest. It lacks a live chat room or something like Skype, but then again, I've always been a lover of forums. This is also the place where we don't annoy anyone without our problems and repetitive topics.
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 This is also the place where we don't annoy anyone without our problems and repetitive topics. Very true! i must say this is the first time that i have written on forums .. i never would have come across it until my friend suggested it to me. it is the only thing that is keeping me sane and not think too much on the break up .. definitely a good distraction! So are you and your ex talking things out ? or giving each other some closure? or just a friendly chat? its ok if you don't want to say - i was just curious at how other couples handle things when they talk to their ex
Calico Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 So are you and your ex talking things out ? or giving each other some closure? or just a friendly chat? its ok if you don't want to say - i was just curious at how other couples handle things when they talk to their ex All of the above. There were some bits of bitterness flung around, too, but mostly it was very civil and caring. We've been talking about "us", perceptions, how we handle future contact, some practical issues, and also smalltalk. We don't hate each other, though sometimes I think that is exactly what I need to do in order to move on. But, well, she means a lot to me and while her choices hurt me tremendously and I'm still perplexed at all of this, for me there would be no satisfaction in going out of my way to hurt her back or make her miserable.
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 All of the above. There were some bits of bitterness flung around, too, but mostly it was very civil and caring. We've been talking about "us", perceptions, how we handle future contact, some practical issues, and also smalltalk. We don't hate each other, though sometimes I think that is exactly what I need to do in order to move on. But, well, she means a lot to me and while her choices hurt me tremendously and I'm still perplexed at all of this, for me there would be no satisfaction in going out of my way to hurt her back or make her miserable. Waoh!! so very mature of you!! i mean like your handling it really well!! you should give yourself some credit for that! good on you two for keeping it civil though! it definitely does help a lot! do you recon its wrong to call your ex up just to have a chat ? like a friendly one?
threebyfate Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Thats the thing though .. i can't maintain NC .. because he is my partner in a project where we both need to do an oral presentation together and write the report together ....When did this project begin and when does it end?
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 When did this project begin and when does it end? It started 5 weeks ago and ends in 7 weeks
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 Hey guys, So after thinking and thinking and thinking .. i have decided that i don't want to lose someone who has shared so much of my life, who knows me very well and who i can't lose contact with. So i called him last night, and we talked, and i explained everything to him, i explained how its funny how we aren't talking to each other much (because we used to talk everyday), and i told him that i i don't want to lose someone who knows me so well and who have shared so much together. He was really good with the conversation, he was calm and agreed with what i was saying and he felt the same way. He said he didn't want to lose me because we know so much about each other that we are more than good friends. Yes, i know i may have said this too soon to him .. but i really couldn't bare sitting another day without telling him how i felt about this. After i told him it was like a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders. We talked about the breakup, where we both agreed that we didn't break up over a fight, but it just happened. He said that in a way he is excited to find himself again ... (WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?) He told me that he hasn't stored away anything that i gave him - they are still in his room, he said he's not holding on to the memories but he said he finds it upsetting and sad to store them away. (WHAT DOES THIS MEAN)? After the conversation, i felt happier and relieved, however .. i am still not 100% sure if i could be his "good friend". I told him that, what if one day we started dating another person .. what do we do then? and he said that when that time comes we will deal with it. He said that, but i am not looking for anyone for a while. In a way, i don't know if i could be his friend, but i really want to be comfortable to just pick up the phone and chat (like last night)... and in order to do so i have to be his friend? He said he will send me a txt today .. I still have strong feelings for him, and sometimes i do want us to try again, but then the other half is telling me that yes what we had was something special and it was something that i never felt before .. but .... I'm not sure if i could see a proper future with him. Is this feeling normal?
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