julia_tran123 Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Me and my ex were together for 2 and a half years ... So this breakup was out of the blue, we were sorting out our issues and things were going well. Until i said to him we should spark the relationship up - make it more exciting. And it just went down hill from there .. he said I've fallen out of love with you .. we can be good friends .. etc .. mind you this all happened in a day. The day before all this, he approached me and spoke to me about our issues and he reassured me that "this is not a break up, i love you too much to lose you". I am really confused at the moment .. So 3 days later he messages and emails and calls .. and it pretty much said "i hope your doing ok, please call me if you need to talk". I didn't reply to him till the next day later saying .. i just need space. He then messaged again, to say he really hopes i am ok, and he cares for me too much, and would really want to get to the point where we are friends .. What does this all mean!??!?!
jgregory4614 Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Sounds like to me he's involved with someone else and he's telling you all these things hoping you would stick around just in case things didnt work between him and the other person. 1
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 hmm .. what would you recommend me to?
jgregory4614 Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Well Julia...this is just my opinion from what you said in your post. He could be just taking a break from all of this. Who knows. Im not there to actually obsereve what is really going on because there is two sides to a story. Its your choice to do what you think is right. First, I would leave him alone. Start the no contact rule. Dont dig for information via facebook, internet, friends, or by calling him. The less you know about what hes doing, the better off you are. Get close to your family and friends. This is a dark moment for you and you need the comfort from loved ones to help you through this. Find new friends. Its always good to meet new people outside the old circle of friends that still have ties to your ex. Sometimes the old friends throw out information about your ex you really dont need to know. Its best if you didnt know anything about what hes doing. Theres going to be time when you have that urge to contact him. I strongly advise you dont do that. Instead come here to LS. 3
ffw Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 (edited) Me and my ex were together for 2 and a half years ... So this breakup was out of the blue, we were sorting out our issues and things were going well. Until i said to him we should spark the relationship up - make it more exciting. And it just went down hill from there .. he said I've fallen out of love with you .. we can be good friends .. etc .. mind you this all happened in a day. The day before all this, he approached me and spoke to me about our issues and he reassured me that "this is not a break up, i love you too much to lose you". I am really confused at the moment .. So 3 days later he messages and emails and calls .. and it pretty much said "i hope your doing ok, please call me if you need to talk". I didn't reply to him till the next day later saying .. i just need space. He then messaged again, to say he really hopes i am ok, and he cares for me too much, and would really want to get to the point where we are friends .. What does this all mean!??!?! It doesn't seem like out of the blue. He could have been checking out for some time but you could not see the signs. Nobody checks out of a serious relationship in 1 day. I guess he still likes u a lot but more as a friend. He clearly said he is not in love with you. Don't end up in a situation where you are taken advantage of. Like other's said try to go with NC. Edited September 2, 2012 by ffw
Agni Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Wow, I know how much that hurts. Pretty much the same exact thing happened to me--2.5 years, having problems but thought we were working through things, told me wasn't in love with me, dropped me cold turkey. The only thing is that he never called to check up on me. He went very very cold on me, and while I implemented no contact (4 months now and I'm still in horrendous pain), we did run into each other a few times and treated me like a total stranger, in spite of his saying I know how much it hurts. From my perspective it sounds like he's confused about his feelings. From my persepctive too, for the sake of your relationship, it is important that he get clear. It seems to me the best thing you can do is act in total self-respect. Give him space. Give yourself space and lots of love and tenderness. And by space, yes that means no Facebook and indirect ways of contact. Do other things that fill you up and make you happy. Time will reveal and either bring him back to you or bring something even better. Hang in there, keep venting.
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 So he sent me a message, and he says that "he has been trying to give me space, i just wanted to see if your doing ok? I really want us to be at a point where we can be friends. I really do care for you so much and wanna see if your ok." I don't know how to tell him or let him know that i am not sure friendship would work - i still have feelings for him and i do want us to get back together .. We are lab partners and we need to work together, and having this "Weirdness" around would affect the experiments we are working on .. I just want it to be easier. I have done NC for a week - but he has messaged/emailed 4 times within the week.
coltsfan1 Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 NC is a choice on your end. It is the choice to either contact him or not. You have to choose. It isn't easy the beginning is always the hard part, but over time it becomes easier. Plus a person generally gets the hint after they are ignored so many times. You may even find yourself going from wanting to be only with them to realizing you want to be with anybody but them. Just keep up the NC and post here as much as you need to & remember the beginning is always the hardest.
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 So i have contacted him .. and he was so shocked at how "bubbly / happy" i was .. and mind you this was genuine. he asked me i hope you have been talking to people about this breakup .. and i was like yeah i have spoken to a lot of people .. and so he got curious .. who did you speak to? and i was cheeky and said .. well i haven't been talking to myself or my dog so I've been talking to people .. he kept telling me that if i want to talk to him about anything feel free to call me 24/7 .. in my head i was thinking .. yeah .. NAH! He sounded really upset, and struggling with the whole situation .. he said we know each other so well and that we should open communication .. i was like .. nah .. sorry .. Im feeling pretty proud that i have come to this point .. and its only been a week! I'm ready to live, dance and smile! This place is such a great place to vent and share Thanks guys! 1
jgregory4614 Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Lol! Awesome work J. Sounds like the tables have turned on him. He couldnt imagine how many people youve just talked to about this. Lol! I find that very funny. Even though you broke contact I think you handled the situation well. You might go through some ups and down depending on how strong of a person you are. Keep us updated. We are here to help.
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 thanks I must say though .. i am going through phases of ups and downs .. like today .. i am feeling so upset .. and i miss him so much! i just miss the times that we shared, and laughed etc. its so hard not to contact him .. but i know i have to stay strong! its always the toughest at night .. i guess when your all alone in your room .. makes it really tough ... i see him tomorrow (because of university) .. and i have planned to say a friendly hey .. and that is all .. oh how i wish i could just run up to him and give him a big old hug .. I am also worried, that with the phone call last night (as i wrote in my previous thread), .. i know i was "acting" to be happy and bubbly (just to show him that i am ok) .. but i hope it doesn't ruin my chances to get back with him .. i mean what if he really thinks i have moved on?! You see, I've been on a lot of blogs and i have been trying to follow the no contact rule (or in my case limited contact) .. to get your ex back .. i just sometimes wonder if i am doing the right thing in following these? Has anyone done this NC/LC rule and it worked to get your ex back? Thanks for listening guys! I find it really helpful that i can express my thoughts and feelings on here.
jgregory4614 Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Well J...i just wanna start by saying that youre a strong person. After a break up no matter what the other did to you in the past we still have that urge to be with again. I still have that urge myself. I wish me and my wife could work things out but to much damage has already been done. Yes...you still have a chance to get back with him but you also have to remember why you two broke up in the first place. We can all do something wrong and feel guilty about it but we would still be prone to doing it again hurting the other person all over again. You should do some serious thinking first before making a decision. Give eachother space for a little while. Make sure this is what he wants too. Guy tend to want something back once they loose it but go right back to what they did that caused the first breakup. So...if decide to give him a second chance let us know. Im a guy and ill be more than happy to give you some pointers on getting your back.
Calico Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Has anyone done this NC/LC rule and it worked to get your ex back? Some people, yes. But don't do it because you hope it'll bring him back. I know it's tempting and I cling to that hope too, and it helps to get through the day, but it turns your healing process into a mind game. Do NC because it allows you detach more easily and more reliably. Do it for yourself, not because you want to send a message or believe it's your best chance to get him back (it may well be, but you also set yourself up for more pain if your hopes don't come true). Today seems to be a hard day for many of us.
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 yeah, i totally agree .. its so tempting not to think that way just to get through the day .. I guess its easier to think that way .. but i guess I'm letting my self know that although NC/LC may work for some it may not work for others .. and i guess your right .. I've been on many blogs/step guides for getting your ex back .. but i guess with these things there aren't any set rules right? i mean you can make your own rules .. so, Calico, whats been on your mind - I'm quoting from "Today seems to be a hard day for many of us."
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 jgregory4614, Thanks for that .. i really appreciate your input. same with you though ! if you believe you and your wife can work it out .. i recon give it your best shot ! i mean i guess you can say that at the end of your life you want to be able to look back and not regret anything. i will definitely share my day to day experience here, and make sure if you have anything on your mind, definitely feel free to express it here
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 so just to update you all, I saw my ex in class today coz we go to the same university .. and i told myself to be strong and just say a friendly hey and a friendly bye. And that was exactly what i did! He also said "would you like to grab a coffee with me after class tomorrow - it is ok if you want to leave it". What should i do? i feel like i have the courage to actually sit there and talk about non-relationship things .. is this a good idea?
Calico Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Go and have the coffee with him. Try not to have expectations and just watch with a playful curiosity what happens. Be yourself, don't mope or overdo the fake happiness. Just relax and take it in by the moment.
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 thanks calico! will keep you up to date.
leoc1973 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Absolutely do not tell him you miss him and love him. Tell him its ok this could be good for us. This will get his mind racing. If he puts you on the spot and asks if you love him say of course I will always care for you but a break is what we needed. Don't ever worry about making a guy think you have already moved on. There isn't anything that will stop a guy from trying to get you back if he feels you are slipping away. What led up to your breakup? Fighting? No passion? Are you smothering him? Some guys really do need some space sometimes and you going to uni with him might have left him smothered. Maybe you gained weight? I always ask girls this because one of my exes from years ago just let herself go and gained 100 lbs. She said I wasn't going anywhere so what does she have to look good for? LOL anyways give us a little more info if you can.
bluefairy812 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 ugh my ex is coming at me with the same kind of language, texting me and checking in, sending me messages letting me know hes thinking of me and hopes i'm ok. bla bla bla! good for your in being happy and doing some reverse psychology on him. keep up the NC rule and keep things short when you see him. people usually have a problem knowing their ex has moved on.
leoc1973 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Yes exactly what blue said. Ex's have a problem seeing you move on and ex's have even a bigger problem with thinking maybe you never cared much in the first place. Its like rejecting them back. They almost wanna come back to you just to have validation that they meant something.
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 hey guys! So i went to grab coffee with my ex today .. and it was just a brief catchup only 30minutes. and we just spoke about what is happening in our lives and whether we are doing ok or not. He told me its really nice to be able to hang out, and he says he feels much better about it. We both kept bringing up the past (good memories) and say to each other that "you would do something like that" or "I remember when ..." We are working on a project together, and he said to me that he is going to tell me about his plans for the next days ahead .. and said that on sunday we should catch up (either on the phone or for lunch) to discuss the project (as we have lab together on weds). He then said that on monday we could go in to university together and talk to a lecturer about our project... Does this mean, he wants to hang out, because he wants to see me? or because he wants to get on with the project?!?!?! Me and my friend then bumped into him and his friend, and he asked us to come over and sit down .. and so we did .. His friend was talking to me heaps - telling me stories and jokes etc. But i always saw at the corner of my eye, my ex bf just looking at me .. (whilst he was talking to my friends). In the end, my friend told me that my ex asked her if i am doing ok, and if she (my friend) was looking after me properly. I feel pretty upset, after the whole thing .. I'm not sure why .. but i think its probably because everything is happening so fast for me .. like two weeks ago we were together and now we are barely friends .. and mostly .. i do want him back into my life .. more than a friend .. I'm just worried that he only wants that .. hence I'm reading into all this so much .. What would you guys recommend? Thanks guys! really appreciate it !
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 What led up to your breakup? Fighting? No passion? Are you smothering him? Some guys really do need some space sometimes and you going to uni with him might have left him smothered. Maybe you gained weight? I always ask girls this because one of my exes from years ago just let herself go and gained 100 lbs. She said I wasn't going anywhere so what does she have to look good for? LOL anyways give us a little more info if you can. I think because we saw each other 7 days a week for 2 and a half years .. and we used to talk every night on the phone .. i think i definitely suffocated him .. too bad i only realised that now .. But the thing is, is that would it be normal if he was acting all himself again? like nothing happened? i mean i do that as an "Act" but .. I'm starting to feel he is slipping away from me .. Tell me if I'm wrong!? thanks!
Calico Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 What would you guys recommend? Friendship isn't possible as long as you want him back. I think it's good that you went for the coffee, and now you know that contact with him causes more pain than joy. That's the thing you need to keep in mind and use to determine what to do next. The two choices are that you just play around with contact for a bit more and see how it goes, or that you decide that you no longer want to hurt and pull the plug and go "no contact" with him. I think NC only really works if you are ready for it and if you had enough of hurting, pain and disappointed hopes. Only you know if you're at that point. You can also try loose/limited contact where you try NC but allow yourself the option to make contact when it gets too bad (with a limit, like one option per week). That takes away a bit of the pressure and may help you to resist the urge when you otherwise would break NC. 1
Author julia_tran123 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 Friendship isn't possible as long as you want him back. Hey calico, Im thinking i should keep meeting up with him .. but then i think it would just hurt me more .. but on the other hand i do want to talk to him and see him etc. Im so confused at the moment .. and i feel like he's got the upper hand now ..
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