Seperate bedrooms

[make me believe]

I guess people who can only have sex in a bed at night think it's terrible to sleep apart. Those of us more creative when it comes to lovemaking aren't limited to a specific place or time.

 

For real! The nights that I sleep in the guest room due to my husbands snoring have never affected our ability to have ANY kind of sex -- even morning sex! (Hello, how difficult is it to walk across the hall and snuggle into bed to get things started in the morning?!)

 

Kaylan's sleeping preferences, or need for alone time once a week, do not make him not ready for a relationship. I think it's totally offensive to say such a thing. Continuously harping on him because his preference for xyz is a deal-breaker for certain posters is annoying and pointless.

 

Actually, my H and I were talking the other day about how nice it'll be if we get a 4 bedroom house one day. One master bedroom for us, one for guests/office use, one for me, and one for him! He has a lot of music equipment (drums, guitar, bass) and would LOVE his own space to set it up and jam out when he wants to. I have a lot of clothes, shoes, and makeup and would love MY own space to use as a dressing room/giant closet! This sounds similar to what you are thinking of, Kaylan, and I don't see why people are in such an uproar about it.

 

I use the closet in our guest room right now actually, because otherwise hubby & I have to keep half our clothes in one closet & half in the other, and I prefer to have mine all in the same closet. But I guess this makes us not ready for marriage or something, according to some of the posters in this thread. I never knew that organizing your stuff in a certain way, or sleeping apart one or two nights a week had such a bearing on whether or not you are "relationship material" though. lol

[TheFinalWord]

My mom and dad have separate rooms for sleeping...they've been married 35 years. Why? My dad has restless leg syndrome and has to take medications to even fall asleep. They also have different body clocks. My dad is a night owl, my mom is up at 5 am every day. They slept in the same bed for years, but now have separate rooms due to medical issues. It hasn't caused a single problem in their marriage. Actually the fact they both get restful sleep has probably helped. One thing I have noticed with my parents and their friends that have been married a long time is that flexibility is paramount.

 

A lot of people have these romantic notions about marriage. Yes, romance must be maintained and my dad does a lot of nice, romantic things for my mom...but there is also issues of practicality. Some people are sensitive sleepers, have medical conditions, etc. and I truly don't believe it is going to be the end of the relationship or destroy romance if you aren't sleeping in the same bed if there is flexibility in the marriage. Kaylan, the right person for you will understand that and not make you feel less of a quality partner for things that are beyond your control. Love conquers all IMHO.

 

PS: BetheButterfly, I'm praying for your back friend. You are such a sweet woman, I'm sorry you have to go through that. I had no idea you experienced so much pain. I know what back pain is like. It is the worst feeling ever. I pulled my back one time and could not get out of bed for 2 weeks.

Edited September 3, 2012 by TheFinalWord

[xxoo]

One thing I have noticed with my parents and their friends that have been married a long time is that flexibility is paramount.

 

I second that!

[eleanorhurting]

 

If we could afford it, I'd love to. Unfortunately, pain management clinics tend to want to be paid. Funny how that works.

? I don't think one person who hasn't experienced the pain another person experiences can make that call, to be honest. For example, I cannot minimize your pain. It isn't fair to try to minimize the pain others go through. I hate the pain I feel... I know it was made worse by my fall during a hiking trip... I don't blame it all on scoliosis, but I don't appreciate it when people scoff at the pain I feel or others feel. That's not cool. Unless you experience what another person experiences, then one can't know.

 

Thankfully, my husband doesn't see my pain as an excuse for not sleeping all night in bed with him. He knows my desire is to sleep all the night with him, and he doesn't judge me like it seems some strangers on this forum do.

 

There are many couples who sleep together every night yet have a terrible relationship. Sleeping in the same bed the whole night does not a wonderful relationship make. What makes a relationship wonderful is love, care, communication, affection, amazing sex, mind-exploding chemistry, fun times, and the list goes on and on. My husband and I have that, even though I also have pain which makes it hard to sleep.

 

To xxoo, thanks for the good advice. My husband and I are going to see what we can do about putting a bed with a super firm mattress with our bed.

 

To Fit Chick, I've heard of those kinds of beds. When we can afford one, we'd like to get one!

 

Definitely I have no idea how bad your pain is I can only speak for myself and I was not trying to scoff at your pain I was suggesting that you look for ways to manage it because really no one should have to live with so much back pain! My apologies if it seemed that way.

 

I am glad that you and your husband have made it not be an issue. You guys seem like a grounded couple who supports each other.

 

I really, really hope there will come a day when your pain won't be there anymore!

Edited September 3, 2012 by eleanorhurting

[Quiet Storm]

I love sleeping with my husband.

 

We don't let the kids in our bedroom, so it's the only room in our home that is our private place. We've always slept naked, and I feel that co-sleeping is a part of our intimacy. We have a king size bed, and we can both sprawl out comfortably. I'm only 5'2" and I can even sleep diagonally on my side, even though he's a foot taller.

 

He snores, but it doesn't bother me. We have only slept apart for a few nights in our entire marriage, the nights I was in the hospital after having the kids. I actually missed his snoring on those nights.

 

I love him being next to me and I would really miss it if we lost that part of our relationship.

 

The thing is though, early in our relationship I wouldn't have considered it important. Looking back, though, I can see how we would've missed some tender, special and funny moments if he had been in a different room.

[Banker Chick]

My boyfriend and I each have our own bedroom and bathrooms. We're both in our 40s and it just works well for us. We also own a business together and given that we spend a ton of time together with that and also just being with each other doing fun things, I think it gives us some space. We live in a fairly small condo so even though we have separate sleeping areas, we aren't that far apart at any given time.

 

It works well because I have odd sleeping habits and am also a very light sleeper. He's the opposite and tends to snore. I like to fall asleep with the tv on, he likes it very quiet and dark. I sometimes wake up at 1am and need to read or watch tv to fall back asleep, this bothers him. I fall asleep early and get up early, he's the opposite. He gets hot and I get cold ... and the list goes on and on. For all these reasons, it just makes sense. I don't feel like this makes us incompatible or that we aren't ready for a relationship, it just means we've found a way to make it work for us.

 

We still watch tv together at night and cuddle and fall asleep together a lot so I don't feel we're missing out on the intimacy aspect. We do stay in each other's rooms a lot too but I guess it's just nice to know the option is there and frankly, I enjoy having my bedroom/bathroom decorated the way I want it and he doesn't have to hear me nag him about his wiskers in the sink and I don't have to listen to him complain about my books spread out all over the bed.

[Janesays]

I hated sleeping with my ex husband. He snored, he insisted that the room be freezing cold and then would hog all the blankets, and he would use and abuse that snooze button! He'd drape an arm or a leg over me and since he slept so deeply, I felt pinned by the dead weight.

 

I am a very LIGHT sleeper. I also have nightmares and chronic insomnia. I toss and turn a lot and wake up AT LEAST 3 times a night to pee. I realize I am no prize to sleep with either.

 

Over the years, I suggested separate rooms to my ex and he was dead set against it. I wanted my marriage to work, so toughed it out.

 

But we still divorced.

 

My boyfriend sleeps more like I do..very lightly and wakes up frequently in the night. Because of this, we both understand how to be a quiet careful sleep partner. If I have a nightmare, he gently wakes me up. If I have to get up early, I wake before the alarm goes off and tip toe out of the room. Bathroom breaks on both our parts are ninja silent.

 

He once said to me that it was impossible for him to sleep comfortably with anyone before he met me. I realized I felt the same.

 

Personally, I think there's more to it than 1 bed or 2. I think what's important is to find someone who cares about and tries to make sure you're well rested and comfortable.

[rainfall]

I don't think I could be in a relationship where the guy felt like we had to sleep beside each other every night or we were missing out on something special. I know that since we have stopped sleeping next to each other as often I am so much happier because I actually get a decent night of sleep.

 

I think sleeping apart has made our relationship better because I am not always in a pissy mood now. When I don't sleep I am not the happiest person and not very much fun to be around. I'm glad my partner understands my sleep issues and doesn't view sleeping together as important.

 

As long as each couple can find what works for them then I don't think anyone can really tell them they aren't in love or aren't ready for a relationship.

[FitChick]

For snorers there are mouth guards that shift your lower jaw forward, pulling the tongue away from the soft palate so it doesn't block your airway.

 

If snorng is related to sinus there are various nasal inserts to open the airways.

 

If sleep apnea is due to being overweight, you know what to do.

 

Poor people always slept together because they couldn't afford two beds or two rooms. Nothing to do with romance. If you've ever taken a tour of a stately home or castle, you will notice that the husband and wife generally had their own bed chambers. Somehow they still managed to breed.

[Badsingularity]

My wife and I thought about seperate bedrooms before we moved in together, but after a few months of sleeping in the same bed we got used to it. Although we do use seperate blankets so that one of us doesn't steal them from the other.

 

Also now that I've slept in the same bed as my wife for a while I would not want to do the seperate bed thing and neither would she.

[SoleMate]

It's definitely atypical for people in their 20s and 30s, cohabiting, to have separate sleeping spaces. But so what? You're an individual. I think the right woman will be happy for you to have a comfortable sleeping arrangement as long as you still have the physical and emotional intimacy that living together implies. I know I would (if my bf felt like you do, which he does not).

 

There are only two people who really need to be satisfied by your sleeping arrangements - you and her.

 

The comments about how "you are not ready for a r/s" are totally unjustified, in my view. On the contrary, I think you are to be commended for being clear and specific about your reasonable requests. Makes a lot more sense to me than just asserting "everyone sleeps together". However, be prepared to find that for the right woman, you won't want to let go of her during the night. :-)

[BetheButterfly]

My mom and dad have separate rooms for sleeping...they've been married 35 years. Why? My dad has restless leg syndrome and has to take medications to even fall asleep. They also have different body clocks. My dad is a night owl, my mom is up at 5 am every day. They slept in the same bed for years, but now have separate rooms due to medical issues. It hasn't caused a single problem in their marriage. Actually the fact they both get restful sleep has probably helped. One thing I have noticed with my parents and their friends that have been married a long time is that flexibility is paramount.

 

That's an important note: "flexibility is paramount..." Thanks for sharing about your parents!

 

A lot of people have these romantic notions about marriage. Yes, romance must be maintained and my dad does a lot of nice, romantic things for my mom...but there is also issues of practicality. Some people are sensitive sleepers, have medical conditions, etc. and I truly don't believe it is going to be the end of the relationship or destroy romance if you aren't sleeping in the same bed if there is flexibility in the marriage. Kaylan, the right person for you will understand that and not make you feel less of a quality partner for things that are beyond your control. Love conquers all IMHO.

Agreed Your parents sound very cool.

 

PS: BetheButterfly, I'm praying for your back friend. You are such a sweet woman, I'm sorry you have to go through that. I had no idea you experienced so much pain. I know what back pain is like. It is the worst feeling ever. I pulled my back one time and could not get out of bed for 2 weeks.

Thanks so much!!! I appreciate it.

 

Yeah, it's hard to go to sleep with back pain. It's hard to get and stay comfortable. This thread has been good though in that my hubby and I are currently exploring options.

 

Getting addicted on pain relievers is not something though that we want for me. Kaylan mentioned exercises in one of his posts and my hubby is researching to see what kind of exercise can help my back. It would be great to get the pain to go away through strengthening muscles, if possible!!!

[BetheButterfly]

 

Definitely I have no idea how bad your pain is I can only speak for myself and I was not trying to scoff at your pain I was suggesting that you look for ways to manage it because really no one should have to live with so much back pain! My apologies if it seemed that way.

 

Thanks My apologies for taking your post the wrong way. Yes it's true it's better to look for ways to manage the pain (or make it go away!) then simply trying to make do. This thread is helping us do that.

I am glad that you and your husband have made it not be an issue. You guys seem like a grounded couple who supports each other.

Thanks. I understand by the way your points. It is the ideal, in my personal opinion, for couples to sleep together. However, people are diverse. It really depends on the couple.

 

I do feel bad about not sleeping every night with my hubby. I know he prefers me to do so, but he also knows and has experienced me tossing and turning, awake but desperately sleepy, in pain for hours. That worries him more than me going to the floor to sleep, though he himself can't sleep on the floor. I'm so weird lol. He can go to sleep instantly, which I really wish I could. He is a light sleeper and when I toss and turn, he wakes up and asks me how I am and worries about me. He goes to sleep immediately after I assure him I'm fine, but I'm usually not fine. I just try harder to not toss and then I'm awake with pain and without the option of moving because I don't want to wake him up again. Finally, I drop to the floor as quietly as possible, get comfortable, and sleep. He is used to this by now. Some nights I take 4 advil, but sometimes that doesn't help.

I really, really hope there will come a day when your pain won't be there anymore

Me too!!! My husband as well hopes that!!!