Seperate bedrooms

[BetheButterfly]

how bad is you guy's scoliosis?

 

I have scoliosis and my back hurts but I have never felt it to cause any impairment in my life like the one that the OP and Bethe are describing. I think I'm lucky.

 

They were going to put that rod thing in my back but decided not to - fun fun. I don't know if it would have been better to have done or not. Personally, I don't handle blood or the idea of being operated on very well, so I was so happy that it didn't happen.

 

Later on (around 10 years ago; I'm 35) I fell during a hiking trip and that made everything worse.

 

You don't have problems sleeping? That's awesome!!! That's a blessing.

[january2011]

I'm in my late 30s. I've also had experience of both living alone and living with a partner for substantial periods of time. I also value my independence and space and can be very territorial and possessive about my things. Sleep and winding down time are very precious to me - ideally I need an uninterrupted eight hours of sleep and I also need to spend time recharging away from people (I'm introvert leaning, no matter what the tests say).

 

Despite all this, I would not want separate bedrooms.

 

Potential solutions:

- snoring can potentially be mitigated with a CPAP if it's a case of sleep apnea. Otherwise, become a earplug connoisseur.

- start off cuddling but move to the other side of the bed for sleep (need Queen size or King size bed rather than just a double or worse, a single). Keep your legs touching if you want some contact.

- have a study/music/work out room

- sit down and talk about how you would both like it to work: location (close to transport links, amenities, family, friends? crime levels?), affordability, size, rooms, furniture, storage, schedule (sleep, work, leisure and "me" time), division of chores (especially cooking and housework), finances and how to deal with guests/family visitors (need to clear it with each other? how often? how to treat them while they are there?). And most importantly, the goal of living together: do you see marriage at the end? is it just to pool finances? do you just want to be in the same location (especially if you are removing the LD from LDR). You might want to google "sliding versus deciding" - academic research into moving in together and why it's important to discuss your reasons before actually taking the plunge. Nothing has to be set in stone, you can review everything as often as you like just to make sure that you are still on the same page.

 

If you want to just jump right in there without any discussion, then I'd say it's very romantic of you. However, it's also a little foolish. Especially as the decision to move in together involves a lot of practical and financial decisions and a more sentimental mindset may be detrimental. Some things you won't find out until you actually live together and get into a household rhythm.

 

It is important to remember that you are sharing your space. All of it. Depending on the size and layout of your living space, there may not be a lot of places where you can hide. Unless you are comfortable and open to sharing, your mindset may not be conducive to making a success of living together and the separate bedrooms issue will be irrelevant. That is, you will most likely fall into the trap of turning your SO into you flatmate. And, take it from me, that's the death knell for a romantic relationship. Especially if you are going to have separate bedrooms where you close your door and do "whatever" mysterious things you are going to do in there while she sits lonely and neglected on the couch watching TV.

Edited September 2, 2012 by january2011

[EasyHeart]

Serious question?

 

Try to use "I" statements (I need to get some good sleep. What can we do?) rather than "you" statements (You are selfish.)

 

From the flip side, it might look like this: I feel lonely and rejected when you move to the other room. What can we do? rather than: You are cold and selfish.

 

Relationship 101.

Oh, I get it: "I need you to quit being so selfish and clingy!!!"

[xxoo]

Oh, I get it: "I need you to quit being so selfish and clingy!!!"

 

Very good!

 

And "I need you to be less of a selfish jerk."

[rainfall]

Very good!

 

And "I need you to be less of a selfish jerk."

 

 

So it makes someone a selfish jerk to want a good night of sleep?

[xxoo]

So it makes someone a selfish jerk to want a good night of sleep?

 

No, that was a joke.

 

But that illustrates the point. She (the hypothetical she) is no more selfish and clingy for wanting to sleep together than he is a selfish jerk for wanting a good night of sleep. Accusations of that sort are not helpful in solving relationship issues.

[rainfall]

No, that was a joke.

 

But that illustrates the point. She (the hypothetical she) is no more selfish and clingy for wanting to sleep together than he is a selfish jerk for wanting a good night of sleep. Accusations of that sort are not helpful in solving relationship issues.

 

 

I think it is selfish to always expect your SO to sleep the same time you do and always sleep by you. I am mostly thinking of my friends whose SO always forced him to go to bed with her every night. I think it is clingly to always have to want them to be in the bed with you every single night.

[xxoo]

I think it is selfish to always expect your SO to sleep the same time you do and always sleep by you. I am mostly thinking of my friends whose SO always forced him to go to bed with her every night. I think it is clingly to always have to want them to be in the bed with you every single night.

 

And you are entitled to those opinions.

 

Nevertheless, when in a relationship with a person you love, and trying to work out these issues, it is not helpful to call them selfish and clingy. It makes people feel defensive, and works against problem solving.

[FitChick]

There are no absolutes. Everyone should do what works best for them. I've dated snorers and I had to sleep in another room. My ex didn't snore or toss and turn so I slept soundly with him through the night.

 

I guess people who can only have sex in a bed at night think it's terrible to sleep apart. Those of us more creative when it comes to lovemaking aren't limited to a specific place or time.

[eleanorhurting]

I think some of you all need to look into a pain management clinic or some alternative. There is no reason why something as benign as scoliosis should cause so much potential drama.

 

I respect other people's space and I honestly would like to have some ME space in my future house (where I can study, watch tv, vegetate on ls, etc). However, I would want to sleep in the same bed as my husband. If he is going to use a medical condition as his excuse for not doing it then I would hope that he would have exhausted all resources before letting this interfere with our love life.

[january2011]

In agreement with xxoo about the terminology.

 

I've found that not having compatible sleep schedules is not very workable and conducive for an LTR. Indeed, it's one reason why LDRs can fail.

 

I know there are the rare couples who can manage it, but from experience, compatibility in this area is an important part of making an LTR work.

[FitChick]

BetheButterfly, why not buy a Sleep Number Bed? You and your husband can adjust the firmness on your own sides to make it comfortable for each of you.

Edited September 3, 2012 by FitChick

[xxoo]

I guess people who can only have sex in a bed at night think it's terrible to sleep apart. Those of us more creative when it comes to lovemaking aren't limited to a specific place or time.

 

It depends how many real life limitations you have. Even when we had no kids, we often didn't see each other until bedtime because we were juggling work and school.

 

LS seems to be a place of great luxury to me--everyone has money for multiple bedrooms, great clothes, expensive beds, separate baths, and lots of time together, too! My real life was never like that, but we've always had lots of love and sex

[kaylan]

I think some of you all need to look into a pain management clinic or some alternative. There is no reason why something as benign as scoliosis should cause so much potential drama.

 

I respect other people's space and I honestly would like to have some ME space in my future house (where I can study, watch tv, vegetate on ls, etc). However, I would want to sleep in the same bed as my husband. If he is going to use a medical condition as his excuse for not doing it then I would hope that he would have exhausted all resources before letting this interfere with our love life.

Its not benign for everyone especially if you are reading BetheButterfly's responses. And I dont see how 1 or 2 nights a week in separate beds is a huge detriment on ones love life, especially if you stay in the same room for sleep.

I don't think there is anything wrong with it, but until you live with someone, I would not assume it will only be one night a week. Making that kind of assumption comes across more as you knowing you'll want a break from having a wife/gf around than for your back. Your back might require 5 nights a week of sleeping alone, or 1 night a month. I don't think you can accurately predict that for the rest of your life.

I can make that predicition because I know I value being close to a woman. I wouldnt want to be away more than a night or two a week.

Exactly!

 

Though I'm not sure what the point of the thread is if you already knew that.

Whats the point of any thread here then? Plenty of questions are asked on this forum that can be answered with "well I just have to meet the right girl". A curious thread is a curious thread.

how bad is you guy's scoliosis?

 

I have scoliosis and my back hurts but I have never felt it to cause any impairment in my life like the one that the OP and Bethe are describing. I think I'm lucky.

My brother has scoliosis worse than me and only mild pain. My pain comes more from screwed up and weak back muscles...not so much the scoliosis. The PT felt bunches of muscles that were knotted and kinked up in my areas of pain. Massages helped a bit, but what mostly did the trick was strengthening my back and evening it out with strong abs has helped relieve much of the pain. As well as sleeping great and keeping a good back alignment during sleep and throughout the day.

 

I usually can only sleep on back, with something up under my knees to keep my feet a tad elevated to get the right curvature in my back so I can sleep well. If I sleep on my side I can less sore, but still sore and it feels unnatural to my spine. And I def cannot sleep on my stomach as it curves my back too much...even though when I have crappy sleep I always wake up on to stomach. Dunno why my body does that in my sleep if thats the kind of sleep that makes me sore.

Isn't that the case even without sharing a bed with a woman?

Yes and the point is that Its harder to attain when sharing the bed with someone. Hopefully the back pain goes away once my back is nice and strong and my core is stronger from the gym. Hyperextensions have done wonders for my lower back. Plus I need to invest in more ergonomic office chairs and possibly car seat cushions. Then Im going to lastly get cracking on a much better bed.

 

Hopefully all of this knocks out my pain so me crashing at someone place or sharing a bed wont be too much of an issue anymore. Im too young to have back pain....and I feel like those hobbled athletes who turn into old me by 30 because of it. Im hoping staying active in sports actually helps get rid of the pain...because I want to join a weekend soccer league soon.

Kaylan

 

My H's back problems are such that that the last consultant he saw as good as tried to book him for (potentially disabling) surgery the following week. Yet we still share the same bed - he would rather sleep badly with me by his side than better on his own.

 

I think we probably all sleep better on our own however that means falling asleep or waking up on your own - most people I think feel some disrupted sleep is worth it for those moments together that you never share with anyone else.

Wow...what the hell is wrong with his doctor? Is his back pain as debilitating as the potential outcome of the surgery? Because if not, its stupid for his doctor to suggest something that can leave him disable. Poor dude. And ending up like your husband is exactly what I want to avoid. My dad has some back pain, and according to him and other older guys, its the worst kind of nagging injury you can have because your back basically supports most of your body.

 

I get that sleeping next to someone is awesome and all....but if I was your hubby Id be smarter about my health and take a day or two each week to really rest up my back. God forbid it gets much worse that he can barely walk or even get out of bed. But as I said...just want to be in top condition and back pain can be a bitch.

Kaylan, how often would you estimate the back pain to be an issue? How often, if ever, would you wish to sleep in another room for other reasons?

Sometimes I can get a whole week with no issues whatsoever. Other weeks it can nag for a few days straight which will prompt me to make sure I sleep properly the next night. I cant exactly put a number on it. It just depends sometimes. But as I said above...keeping consistent with my stretches, workouts, and sleep pattern should hopefully remedy this completely.

Serious question?

 

Try to use "I" statements (I need to get some good sleep. What can we do?) rather than "you" statements (You are selfish.)

 

From the flip side, it might look like this: I feel lonely and rejected when you move to the other room. What can we do? rather than: You are cold and selfish.

 

Relationship 101.

You keep missing what Im saying. I gave solution at the beginning of the thread. I said Id try sleeping together in a huge foam bed and give it a trial shot. And then I said if it didnt work Id need a day or two to sleep alone...and then you and others objected to this and even called it a deal breaker.

 

Thats what is clingy and selfish. Being more worried about your own "rejection" when I have back issues and tried to deal with them but only can get rid of them with better sleep alone. No one was being rejected in the first place.

Why are people so utterly offended by this?

 

My ideal situation would be our room and my room/office (office for us both to use...a computer room I guess). Not to say I'd sleep in a separate room every night or anything, but I want my own closet and space for getting ready and my man can have our room for his stuff. My clothes and shoes need their own closet. I would absolutely want a bed in that room--if I am tossing and turning I want somewhere else to go, if my man is snoring, I want somewhere else to go.

 

Perhaps Kaylan's wording was somehow offensive or something..? IDK I totally get it. I wouldn't be offended if my man had a hurting back and needed to be in a separate bed sometimes. Why should he have to be in pain just so I am not sleeping alone? Of course I would not be okay with this every night or anything but it seems pretty selfish to demand your partner wake up in pain just so you aren't ASLEEP alone or might wake up horny and wanting morning sex. I mean s.hit if you wake up horny, go get him lol. I LOVE sleeping with a partner but I also LOVE when I get all the room to sprawl out! I think it's a great idea.

:love::bunny: This.

Edited September 3, 2012 by kaylan

[eleanorhurting]

My apologies if I said "benign" as if it is not a big deal. Having back pain sucks I can understand how anyone would be frustrated. What I meant to say is that it is not something that is going to progress and it is not going to kill you and if it was very, very bad then there is a surgery you can get. I would hope that there would be ways of taking care of the pain so that it will not interfere with someone's life to that extent (PT, pain meds).

 

1 or 2 nights a week would not be a big deal I just would not want it to start that way and have it turn into 4 or 5 nights a week. I would certainly feel rejected by my partner (I statement!).

 

 

Now back my back hurts reading this thread.

[Jane2011]

Haven't read this thread, but I got an idea of the original post. Glad it was brought up, because I've always had this preference. Ideally, I'd live with my boyfriend in a 2 or 3 bedroom house or apartment. We'd each have our own room and just sleep in each others' beds on most nights of the week.

 

Either that, or I have a bedroom with him but also have a bedroom of my own too.

 

I wouldn't even mind not living with the guy as long as we're close to each other and sleep over at each others' place...A LOT (if we're committed and it's been a long time together).

[Anela]

Haven't read this thread, but I got an idea of the original post. Glad it was brought up, because I've always had this preference. Ideally, I'd live with my boyfriend in a 2 or 3 bedroom house or apartment. We'd each have our own room and just sleep in each others' beds on most nights of the week.

 

Either that, or I have a bedroom with him but also have a bedroom of my own too.

 

I wouldn't even mind not living with the guy as long as we're close to each other and sleep over at each others' place...A LOT (if we're committed and it's been a long time together).

 

I remember reading about Tim Burton, and the actress he's involved with - Helena Bonham Carter - living in houses that are side-by-side. I think they have a connecting door in the wall between the two.

 

I need a certain amount of space, and thought that was a great idea at the time (I'm not sure how I'd feel now, if I had a partner).

[Jane2011]

I remember reading about Tim Burton, and the actress he's involved with - Helena Bonham Carter - living in houses that are side-by-side. I think they have a connecting door in the wall between the two.

 

I need a certain amount of space, and thought that was a great idea at the time (I'm not sure how I'd feel now, if I had a partner).

 

Yeah, that's sort of what I had in mind. The guy and I live in a duplex.

 

I need space. I really do.

[Els]

Kaylan, I honestly don't get where you're going with this thread. You asked people for whether or not they would mind their partner sleeping separately, and some of them (xxoo, etc) answered honestly that they would mind because it's important to them. Why are you jumping on them and judging them negatively (clingy, needy, etc) for answering your question? Save your jumping for the people who do deserve jumping on - the people who judged YOU as being not ready for a relationship, etc just because of your need to sleep apart. I think it would be beneficial to you and your thread to respond positively to the people who answered your question honestly and didn't judge you at the same time, rather than being defensive towards all who have the opposite preference.

 

I still do think that you'll find a way to work things out with a girl whom you truly care about and who truly cares about you. Your circumstances and hers will be so unique then that there will be little need for planning ahead in hypotheticals. For all you know, a good mattress will just work wonders and you'll love sleeping with her, or she'll be like Iris or Jane and would even want to live apart.

 

I guess people who can only have sex in a bed at night think it's terrible to sleep apart. Those of us more creative when it comes to lovemaking aren't limited to a specific place or time.

 

I guess people who are only in a relationship for sex think that sleeping together at night is only done for the sex. Those of us with deeper relationships than that don't think that pre-bedtime intimacy is just about sex.

 

See what I did there? Make assumptions about people and you'll get assumptions in return. Practically all of our sex doesn't happen just before bed, and probably 50% of it doesn't occur on the bed. Sleeping together is still important to me.

[kaylan]

^When people bite, I bite back. Simple. I got some snarky judgements and attitudes regarding my opinion, even when my health was a concern. Thats what bothered me. If people simply said sleeping apart wasnt for them, Id have been cool. But a couple posters threw in some character assessments that I didnt think were necessary, hence my responses.

Edited September 3, 2012 by kaylan

[xxoo]

You keep missing what Im saying. I gave solution at the beginning of the thread. I said Id try sleeping together in a huge foam bed and give it a trial shot. And then I said if it didnt work Id need a day or two to sleep alone...and then you and others objected to this and even called it a deal breaker.

 

Thats what is clingy and selfish. Being more worried about your own "rejection" when I have back issues and tried to deal with them but only can get rid of them with better sleep alone. No one was being rejected in the first place.

 

No, I've repeatedly condeded the back issue.

 

What would be a deal breaker for me is sleeping in another room because he needs a little space once a week. Also, if he called me clinging and selfish for sharing that I felt rejected, that wouldn't go over well, either. You DID say that you sometimes just want the space. It wasn't all about your back.

 

I hope that, when you are in a relationship, and you are very compatible and have amazing chemistry, and the biggest issue is that she wants to find a better solution than you sleeping in a different room, you will respect her and that enough to be patient and kind.

[kaylan]

I wasnt solely referring to you. Please reread the thread (at least the first few pages). I have a point with what I said in my last post. And again...my back is the main issue, and the other stuff was added perks. How many times do I have to repeat that? Ive said that like 5 times now.

[ja123]

Everyone has different rhythms and space requirememtn, it's a question of finding someone who is a suitable match.

 

I"d definitely want my own room - if not bedroom, then at least my own office/den.

 

Here's some more info, there are couples doing it, as was mentioned above.

Living apart together - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[BetheButterfly]

I think some of you all need to look into a pain management clinic or some alternative.

 

If we could afford it, I'd love to. Unfortunately, pain management clinics tend to want to be paid. Funny how that works.

There is no reason why something as benign as scoliosis should cause so much potential drama.

? I don't think one person who hasn't experienced the pain another person experiences can make that call, to be honest. For example, I cannot minimize your pain. It isn't fair to try to minimize the pain others go through. I hate the pain I feel... I know it was made worse by my fall during a hiking trip... I don't blame it all on scoliosis, but I don't appreciate it when people scoff at the pain I feel or others feel. That's not cool. Unless you experience what another person experiences, then one can't know.

 

I respect other people's space and I honestly would like to have some ME space in my future house (where I can study, watch tv, vegetate on ls, etc). However, I would want to sleep in the same bed as my husband. If he is going to use a medical condition as his excuse for not doing it then I would hope that he would have exhausted all resources before letting this interfere with our love life.

Thankfully, my husband doesn't see my pain as an excuse for not sleeping all night in bed with him. He knows my desire is to sleep all the night with him, and he doesn't judge me like it seems some strangers on this forum do.

 

There are many couples who sleep together every night yet have a terrible relationship. Sleeping in the same bed the whole night does not a wonderful relationship make. What makes a relationship wonderful is love, care, communication, affection, amazing sex, mind-exploding chemistry, fun times, and the list goes on and on. My husband and I have that, even though I also have pain which makes it hard to sleep.

 

To xxoo, thanks for the good advice. My husband and I are going to see what we can do about putting a bed with a super firm mattress with our bed.

 

To Fit Chick, I've heard of those kinds of beds. When we can afford one, we'd like to get one!

[BetheButterfly]

There are no absolutes. Everyone should do what works best for them. I've dated snorers and I had to sleep in another room. My ex didn't snore or toss and turn so I slept soundly with him through the night.

 

I guess people who can only have sex in a bed at night think it's terrible to sleep apart. Those of us more creative when it comes to lovemaking aren't limited to a specific place or time.

 

Agreed. Love isn't confined to a strict "you have to sleep in the same bed or else you don't love each other" ideal. Rather, love understands that people are different, that people have different issues. A person who truly loves another person takes into consideration all that the other person goes through and compromises in areas to help the other person, not make that person feel bad for things that are beyond his/her ability to fix.

 

My parents, who have been married for 38 years and have 4 grown kids, tend to go to bed at different times, yet they love each other passionately. My Mom is a night owl and will go to spend time with Dad when he goes to sleep, then come back upstairs to study. She goes back to sleep with him hours later. My Dad is a morning bird and is fine with this arrangement. Since they have a happy marriage and love each other very much, it doesn't matter that they don't legalistically follow "thou shalt go to bed and fall asleep at the same time every night" rule that ? made up.

 

As for lovemaking, my hubby and I have no issues in that department. It would be awesome if I didn't have any issues sleeping, but the fact of the matter is my body isn't perfect. I feel the pain, even if others judge me for it. Thankfully, my husband doesn't judge me. He understands me and loves me anyways.

Edited September 3, 2012 by BetheButterfly