Seperate bedrooms

[kaylan]

"well slept Check"

 

Lmfao

Thats what Im trying to get. =p

[johan]

I do think part of the issue here -- even though it is a total cliche -- is that Kaylan hasn't met the right woman yet.

 

The part that interests me is that he doesn't see it as a big deal. This thread, and so many others, make me wonder what other people had for examples of relationships while they grew up. Like they grew up in orphanages or something, with no good relationship role models.

[rainfall]

The part that interests me is that he doesn't see it as a big deal. This thread, and so many others, make me wonder what other people had for examples of relationships while they grew up. Like they grew up in orphanages or something, with no good relationship role models.

 

 

I always thought of a good relationship as one where you care about your partner's comfort, health, and well being, even if that means you sometimes have to miss out on something you may enjoy. (which for some people is sleeping beside their partner every night)

[kaylan]

The part that interests me is that he doesn't see it as a big deal. This thread, and so many others, make me wonder what other people had for examples of relationships while they grew up. Like they grew up in orphanages or something, with no good relationship role models.

What the big deal about 1 night a week alone in a separate bed for back pain recoup? I wasnt raised to compromise on someones health and to force them to do something that may not be good for them. If I can get good sleep in bed with a girl I will...if not I want my alone time at night sometimes.

 

In reality I know this wont be a big deal with chicks I choose to seriously date because if they care about me at all, they can deal with me needing a night to sleep the best so Im not in a crappy mood or in pain.

Edited September 2, 2012 by kaylan

[M30USA]

What the big deal about 1 night a week alone in a separate bed for back pain recoup? I wasnt raised to compromise on someones health and to force them to do something that may not be good for them. If I can get good sleep in bed with a girl I will...if not I want my alone time at night sometimes.

 

In reality I know this wont be a big deal with chicks I choose to seriously date because if they care about me at all, they can deal with me needing a night to sleep the best so Im not in a crappy mood or in pain.

 

Dude, me and you have a lot in common. Even the back pain, lol.

[Star Gazer]

In reality I know this wont be a big deal with chicks I choose to seriously date because if they care about me at all, they can deal with me needing a night to sleep the best so Im not in a crappy mood or in pain.

 

Isn't that the case even without sharing a bed with a woman?

[anne1707]

Kaylan

 

My H's back problems are such that that the last consultant he saw as good as tried to book him for (potentially disabling) surgery the following week. Yet we still share the same bed - he would rather sleep badly with me by his side than better on his own.

 

I think we probably all sleep better on our own however that means falling asleep or waking up on your own - most people I think feel some disrupted sleep is worth it for those moments together that you never share with anyone else.

[veggirl]

Why are people so utterly offended by this?

 

My ideal situation would be our room and my room/office (office for us both to use...a computer room I guess). Not to say I'd sleep in a separate room every night or anything, but I want my own closet and space for getting ready and my man can have our room for his stuff. My clothes and shoes need their own closet. I would absolutely want a bed in that room--if I am tossing and turning I want somewhere else to go, if my man is snoring, I want somewhere else to go.

 

Perhaps Kaylan's wording was somehow offensive or something..? IDK I totally get it. I wouldn't be offended if my man had a hurting back and needed to be in a separate bed sometimes. Why should he have to be in pain just so I am not sleeping alone? Of course I would not be okay with this every night or anything but it seems pretty selfish to demand your partner wake up in pain just so you aren't ASLEEP alone or might wake up horny and wanting morning sex. I mean s.hit if you wake up horny, go get him lol. I LOVE sleeping with a partner but I also LOVE when I get all the room to sprawl out! I think it's a great idea.

[Silly_Girl]

I've not read the thread, only the OP but I would be totally against 'separate bedrooms'. Sometimes my bf stays over even when coming in from a late shift or I'm in bed super-early for a big day at work, because the intimacy of ending up in the same bed is so special (and necessary) for me.

 

However, I know of several couples where one has a hobby and they get a room for their $hit, and to hang out in if appropriate and it seems to work well.

 

I feel really sad at the thought of living with someone I love and yet them going off to sleep elsewhere.

[xxoo]

Wow...read posts fully!....read the OP fully and with understanding. Or just refer to my previous post. Jeez...if a woman cannot understand my back feels like crap and I need a night alone,...shes a selfish female Id never date long to begin with.

 

I do read your posts fully. I read the part about the back, conceded that, and am now focusing on the rest of the OP--because, if you read it fully, there is more to the issue than back pain.

 

When you are actually in a relationship, and having this discussion, try to refrain from throwing around accusations like "clingy" and "selfish". People in successful relationships value each other's concerns, rather than disregarding them and minimizing, and strive to find solutions that work for both of them, both giving a little. I've done that, for over 20 years now, quite happily, tyvm.

[xxoo]

Kaylan, how often would you estimate the back pain to be an issue? How often, if ever, would you wish to sleep in another room for other reasons?

[Chocolat]

What the big deal about 1 night a week alone in a separate bed for back pain recoup? I wasnt raised to compromise on someones health and to force them to do something that may not be good for them. If I can get good sleep in bed with a girl I will...if not I want my alone time at night sometimes.

 

In reality I know this wont be a big deal with chicks I choose to seriously date because if they care about me at all, they can deal with me needing a night to sleep the best so Im not in a crappy mood or in pain.

 

K - There's nothing wrong with needing to sleep on your own for a couple of nights a week. According to this CNN report, 23% of married couples sleep separately. Also see the comment about two owner's suites in upscale homes. You might like this article, too.

 

My grandparents slept in separate beds and had the longest, most loving marriage of any couple I know.

 

FWIW, I don't think separate beds are right for everyone. There are posters here for whom occasionally sleeping separately is apparently a deal-breaker. As long as you and your gf come to terms that are mutually agreeable, that's all that matters.

[maybealone]

What the big deal about 1 night a week alone in a separate bed for back pain recoup?

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with it, but until you live with someone, I would not assume it will only be one night a week. Making that kind of assumption comes across more as you knowing you'll want a break from having a wife/gf around than for your back. Your back might require 5 nights a week of sleeping alone, or 1 night a month. I don't think you can accurately predict that for the rest of your life.

 

In reality I know this wont be a big deal with chicks I choose to seriously date because if they care about me at all, they can deal with me needing a night to sleep the best so Im not in a crappy mood or in pain.

 

Exactly!

 

Though I'm not sure what the point of the thread is if you already knew that.

[mortensorchid]

Way back when when marriages were arranged for political and economic alliances (mostly among royalty and aristocrates), the couple barely knew each other when they married. They not only had seperate bedrooms, but they had seperate entrances/exits to the house they shared. They would meet for meals and entertainment purposes, and yes they would eventually sleep together a few times for the purpose of procreation. Otherwise once you had sealed the deal and had a few children to continue the alliance, you led seperate lives (not to mention having affairs with others outside of your marriage), you were living in an arrangement rather than what is today considered cohabitation. The idea of a couple sleeping in the same bed together is something relatively new.

 

The truth of the matter is that when you are in a LTR, you will get bored or sick of each other at some point. And you will sometimes not want to sleep in the same bed together because of the other's snoring, weird habits, etc. Unfortunately there is no answer to this, except that we all need our space every once in a while. And yes, older couples tend to have seperate bedrooms just for this reason. Love is a complicated thing.

[xxoo]

The truth of the matter is that when you are in a LTR, you will get bored or sick of each other at some point.

 

This has not been my experience. Two decades in, I still look forward to falling asleep in my partner's arms every night. It is a daily comfort and pleasure.

 

I think you would have had very different responses if you'd opened a thread asking "How do co-habitating couples manage back issues?" Likely, the same people objecting here (including me) would have offered lots of possible solutions including considering separate beds some or all of the time, as necessary.

 

The difference is that you started with your ideal solution, and commenced arguing for it, suspecting that it would land like a lead balloon.

 

For best results when in a relationship, begin with the concern and an open mind, working together to find solutions. And don't call your partner selfish and clingy, especially if she just wants to sleep with you at night.

[Badsingularity]

The idea of a couple sleeping in the same bed together is something relatively new.

 

No it's not.

 

Your neglecting the thousands of years of human history that happened before the time period you are discussing.

 

Women slept as close to men as possible for comfort warmth and protection.

[BetheButterfly]

My husband and I share the same room, but he has his "manly man room" lol, or den. He has that room fixed up to his liking, with black curtains and his guitar, his clothes, and weights and stuff. Our room is a bit girly, but it's my sanctuary. I love it with the flowers and greenery! It is where my things are, so it works out well for us.

 

I understand what you mean about the back pain and the scoliosis. I also have those issues which drives me nuts!!! My husband is very understanding though, but it makes me so sad when I struggle to go to sleep... the aching pain just doesn't tend to go away till I'm so tired that the exhaustion knocks me out.

 

At first, that was hard on my husband because I often move to the floor to sleep (sometimes the floor feels better to me and I can get into a position where the pain doesn't nag me.) He would move to the floor with me (which is so sweet of him) but he can't sleep on the floor. He hopes someday to buy us one of those huge beds where we can control the firmness... I need super firm because it just helps me sleep better.

 

Anyways, I think it's important, should you find Special Someone, for her to understand the pain which makes it hard to go to sleep. I am so glad my husband understands and doesn't get mad at me! Instead, when we can, we hope to eventually find a solution to helping me not be in pain when trying to sleep.

 

It's also nice for him to have his den and for me to have my beautiful girly sanctuary, which is our room, where we both sleep (though sometimes I do sleep on the floor when I'm hurting too much to fall asleep on the bed.)

[BetheButterfly]

 

I think you would have had very different responses if you'd opened a thread asking "How do co-habitating couples manage back issues?" Likely, the same people objecting here (including me) would have offered lots of possible solutions including considering separate beds some or all of the time, as necessary.

 

 

That's an interesting idea.. my husband has thought of finding a firmer mattress for me... it might be a good idea to just bring a single bed with a firmer mattress and put that right next to our bed... make a big bed lol! We should try that!

 

As to Kaylan's idea of having separate spaces for stuff, maybe he means like having a den?

[EasyHeart]

When you are actually in a relationship, and having this discussion, try to refrain from throwing around accusations like "clingy" and "selfish". People in successful relationships value each other's concerns, rather than disregarding them and minimizing, and strive to find solutions that work for both of them, both giving a little. I've done that, for over 20 years now, quite happily, tyvm.

What is she's being selfish and clingy?

[xxoo]

What is she's being selfish and clingy?

 

Serious question?

 

Try to use "I" statements (I need to get some good sleep. What can we do?) rather than "you" statements (You are selfish.)

 

From the flip side, it might look like this: I feel lonely and rejected when you move to the other room. What can we do? rather than: You are cold and selfish.

 

Relationship 101.

[It's Just Me]

Seeing as I havent had the desire to live with anyone Ive dated yet, I havent had to ask any women. But Im sure Ill find a girl whos ok with it. And if shes not (assuming we dont find decent workarounds), she can either deal with it or bail. Because a girl who cares about me will care about my physical comfort and my occasional desire for space.

 

I can't wait to see this online dating profile and requirements.

 

For the record, I do understand the point. My exH snored like a sumbitch, and I often had to leave the room at night just to be able to rest. However, my BF and I are excellent sleep mates. He doesn't snore, doesn't move, and doesn't cling while we're sleeping. Pretty much the same as me. As for the rolling from the weight of your partner, that only happens with cheap-ass mattresses. Get a good one. Your back will thank you.

Edited September 2, 2012 by It's Just Me

[BetheButterfly]

or nightly massages may do the trick. Did you see your licensed PT on a daily basis?

 

Nightly massages are nice. My husband tried that to help me, and it is funny... when he is massaging me, I fall asleep. He goes to sleep. Minutes later, I wake up in pain and have to toss and turn until I eventually fall asleep again...

 

The thing I've noticed that helps me sleep easier is to eat something. However, I'm trying to lose weight so eating at night is not really the best idea. That's what I tend to do though when I'm desperate and trying to sleep on the floor doesn't work.

 

I guess I understand where Kaylan is coming from because I have had many painful nights. I want so desperately to sleep all night in the same bed as my husband, but some nights the pain controls when and where I sleep.

 

By the way, before I got married, I slept most of the time on the floor in my apartment, as well in my parents' house. My husband and my Mom talked about that once when he was voicing his concerns about my back.

 

My Mom would take me to a chiropractor when I was a teen, but I don't know how much that helped my scoliosis condition improve.

[xxoo]

At first, that was hard on my husband because I often move to the floor to sleep (sometimes the floor feels better to me and I can get into a position where the pain doesn't nag me.) He would move to the floor with me (which is so sweet of him) but he can't sleep on the floor. He hopes someday to buy us one of those huge beds where we can control the firmness... I need super firm because it just helps me sleep better.

 

Have you considered sleeping mats, for you and him? They can be cheap, and you could each have one that is suited to your own needs. It could be a temporary solution, keeping you together at night, if you could find one that worked for him, and one that worked for you.

[BetheButterfly]

Have you considered sleeping mats, for you and him? They can be cheap, and you could each have one that is suited to your own needs. It could be a temporary solution, keeping you together at night, if you could find one that worked for him, and one that worked for you.

 

I used to sleep in a sleeping bag but my husband doesn't like them except for camping, when a bed isn't available. I really like the idea though of bringing in our room a single bed with a super firm mattress (or a slab of floor lol) and aligning it with our bed! I'm going to ask him about that, because maybe that would help. I do know I don't want to sleep without him. It just pain gets in the way. I used to take 4 advil every night, but that can cause other complications and sometimes doesn't even help.

 

Heavy duty pain relievers knock me out but I don't want to get addicted to them.

[eleanorhurting]

how bad is you guy's scoliosis?

 

I have scoliosis and my back hurts but I have never felt it to cause any impairment in my life like the one that the OP and Bethe are describing. I think I'm lucky.