Star Gazer Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Im sorry...but living with someone and being married, I still want a sense of self. Especially in regards to my health. I don't know any woman who'd want to sleep in a separate bedroom from her live-in BF or husband, so, good luck.
Star Gazer Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 This should read; And is a couple of nights every ten days or so that bad? Bad typo. Watch the movie Sex and the City 2. They started off with your little proposition... just "two days a week."
M30USA Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Say youve been dating someone a while, and youve finally decided to move in together. Ive been thinking about this, and as much as I love cuddling, sleeping together, and sharing a space...I still need my own space for things. You know, like my bass, my guitar, clothing (which I have a decent amount, my desktop, dresser and closet space for all my junk, and other stuff too. Now I know you can get some pretty big bedrooms, and some even have 2 closets, but those tend to be pricey...and theres only so much you can fit in a bedroom....and some things Id rather not put in the living room, as I tend to see the living room as more of an area to entertain guests. So I wouldnt want my instruments or computer stuff out there. Also, I dont want to completely mix all my junk with someone elses. I like having my own dresser and with the amount of crap I have, I use up all 12 of my current drawers easily. My closet is decently filled with clothing and shoes, and once I have the cash, my wardrobe is going to get bigger as I want to buy a lot of nice suits. Next, theres the idea of simple "me" time and "me" space. Sometimes I like to burrow away from everyone and just chill, play some guitar, listen to music, or just watch whatever game is on. Sure Ill do that in the living room mostly, but sometimes I like to just get some alone time. And lastly, the biggest issue for me personally, is the bed. I enjoy sleeping with a girl, and cuddling up, but I couldnt see myself doing it all the time. Sometimes its hard for me to fall asleep, and once I finally fall asleep, I dont want to be accidentally woken up. Because then it wrecks my energy the whole next day because I usually dont get back to sleep right away. My issues with sleep is partly due to my lower back...its not the best as I have some muscle kinks that Im still working out. Not to mention I have mild scoliosis..so coupled with my lower back being sore at times, I sleep a certain way so I can get a good rest. And when I dont have anything to do the next day or two, I have really weird awake and sleeping hours. And its rare people have the same working hours in todays day and age, so I dont wanna wake anyone up by getting to bed late, and I dont want to be forced to sleep on the couch because I stayed up late either. Anyways, I tried to find stuff on this over the web, and though there was some decent things to read, I mostly ran into situations which included a snoring problem, or older couples who really need a good nights rest and cant take one anothers tossing or turning. And not to mention those stories of older married couples sleeping in different bedrooms because they arent on good terms...yikes. Im only in my mid 20s...so Im wondering if girls in their 20s and 30s would be put off by a guy wanting an auxiliary bed room? The two threads I found on this site had the women not feeling to keen about the idea. Kaylan, I agree with most of what you said because I'm in a similar boat. Even though I'm married (soon to be divorced), I've also had issues sleeping w/ my wife every night. She would view it as rejection if I didn't, but I simply needed the space. She would take up literally 75% of the bed and she's half my size. She also had trouble sleeping and would constantly wake me up. Add to all this that my work schedule required me to get up at 5am every day and she wouldn't rise until 8 or 9. She would go to sleep around midnight (or later) which would totally kick my ass since I'd have to get up in just a few hours. One last point about your guitars. I am a guitar player, myself, but you should be aware that women (in general) view guitars/music the same way they view video games: as juvenile, as something which they hope you will one day grow out of. Ever wonder why they always have an immature kid in a movie with a guitar strapped around his back? Yep. Just realize that, unless you've found an exceptional woman, she will merely "tolerate" your music--especially if it takes up space in "her" bedroom. 1
Author kaylan Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 Watch the movie Sex and the City 2. They started off with your little proposition... just "two days a week." ^Life is not a movie. Especially not that one. I think enough of us know that show is far from an accurate portrayal of how many relationships are. And I wouldnt want women like that, nor would I want to be the type of men theyve dated in that show. Why does it seem to me that women would rather be clingy than have their guy get better sleep, even if he is having back issues?
xxoo Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 And is a couple nights everyone ten days or do that bad? You ladies really can't sleep alone for only a little bit every couple weeks? If it is a medical need, I could handle it--but I'd prefer to find a different solution first (trying a new bed, for example). I'd give on my end in order to make it work, including dumping a bed that worked better for me. If it is just to have your own space....that would bother me. A lot. I can sleep alone, but I don't want to, esp if my H is right in the next room! (not traveling for work, for example). I would feel rejected.
Author kaylan Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 (edited) If it is a medical need, I could handle it--but I'd prefer to find a different solution first (trying a new bed, for example). I'd give on my end in order to make it work, including dumping a bed that worked better for me.Id obviously try to give a huge comfy bed a go first. If it is just to have your own space....that would bother me. A lot. I can sleep alone, but I don't want to, esp if my H is right in the next room! (not traveling for work, for example). I would feel rejected.But its not about you. Thats the point. Id obviously give sleeping together a trial run, but if I get woken up enough or wake up in awkward positions in the morning, then Ill have my answer.Kaylan, I agree with most of what you said because I'm in a similar boat. Even though I'm married (soon to be divorced), I've also had issues sleeping w/ my wife every night. She would view it as rejection if I didn't, but I simply needed the space. She would take up literally 75% of the bed and she's half my size. She also had trouble sleeping and would constantly wake me up. Add to all this that my work schedule required me to get up at 5am every day and she wouldn't rise until 8 or 9. She would go to sleep around midnight (or later) which would totally kick my ass since I'd have to get up in just a few hours.Oh god, Id divorce her simply for screwing up my rest ...lol jk One last point about your guitars. I am a guitar player, myself, but you should be aware that women (in general) view guitars/music the same way they view video games: as juvenile, as something which they hope you will one day grow out of. Ever wonder why they always have an immature kid in a movie with a guitar strapped around his back? Yep. Just realize that, unless you've found an exceptional woman, she will merely "tolerate" your music--especially if it takes up space in "her" bedroom.I havent really come across this. Most girls seem to really appreciate that I play music and they generally get really intrigued whenever they hear Im in a band. I tend to go after chicks who have a better ear for music than whats on the top 20 though. Or they are sometimes musicians themselves. But any chick that would act weird about me needing a space to store my equipment and write my songs would get a wide eye from me. Edited September 2, 2012 by kaylan
xxoo Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 But its not about you. Thats the point. Id obviously give sleeping together a trial run, but if I get woken up enough or wake up in awkward positions in the morning, then Ill have my answer. Do you think that I never get woken up? I do! It is worth it, because sleeping together is such a pleasure. That's the point. It takes most people time to get used to sleeping with another person every night. We work at it because sharing a bed is important to the relationship. You don't sound like you share well in general, Kay. Are you an only child? 1
rainfall Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 I don't know any woman who'd want to sleep in a separate bedroom from her live-in BF or husband, so, good luck. I think I must be weird because I sleep so much better when I am not sleeping by my SO. Because of our different work/school schedules we almost are never sleeping at the same time, but when we did I always slept horrible. I am a very light sleeper and he snores loudly and kicks all the time. I also can't sleep if I am hot and I swear he must be 1000 degrees because I start sweating if he puts his arm around me in bed.
Author kaylan Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 (edited) Do you think that I never get woken up? I do! It is worth it, because sleeping together is such a pleasure. That's the point.Being cranky all day with knifing pains in the back is not worth it to me. It takes most people time to get used to sleeping with another person every night. We work at it because sharing a bed is important to the relationship. Like I said, Ill give it a go...but mostly likely I will need my space every now and then. You don't sound like you share well in general, Kay. Are you an only child? I have an older brother. However, its not about sharing. If Im sharing the majority of my nights with a woman, isnt it somewhat selfish and insecure of her to feel super rejected because I need a night here or there alone to ease my back and be refreshed in the morning? Edited September 2, 2012 by kaylan
Star Gazer Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 I think I must be weird because I sleep so much better when I am not sleeping by my SO. Because of our different work/school schedules we almost are never sleeping at the same time, but when we did I always slept horrible. I am a very light sleeper and he snores loudly and kicks all the time. I also can't sleep if I am hot and I swear he must be 1000 degrees because I start sweating if he puts his arm around me in bed. I don't think everyone sleeps well with their SO. What I meant was I don't know any woman who wants to start off their relationship with separate bedrooms. This is an expectation/desire the OP clearly has, so he ought to bring it up to prospective partners, as it will be a deal breaker for MOST.
Star Gazer Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 ^Life is not a movie. Especially not that one. I think enough of us know that show is far from an accurate portrayal of how many relationships are. And I wouldnt want women like that, nor would I want to be the type of men theyve dated in that show. Duh. My point is, I think most women would react the way Carrie did in that movie, when Big suggests they take two nights a week to sleep separately. They'd be devastated.
Author kaylan Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 ^Id hope not. Hence why I said life isnt a movie. Girls need be a bit more logical and less emotional about this. It should be a non issue really.
xxoo Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 If Im sharing the majority of my nights with a woman, isnt it somewhat selfish and insecure of her to feel super rejected because I need a night here or there alone to ease my back and be refreshed in the morning? I already said that if there was a true medical need, I'd deal with it. But there was a LOT more to your OP than the back issue. The rest is BS, imho. 1
Star Gazer Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 If Im sharing the majority of my nights with a woman, isnt it somewhat selfish and insecure of her to feel super rejected because I need a night here or there alone to ease my back and be refreshed in the morning? Why do you need to rest your back in a different bed? As xxoo said, you had a lot more reasons for having your separate bedroom than your darn back. There are workarounds for bad backs. Millions of people have back problems and share a bed with their partner.
Author kaylan Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 (edited) Why do you need to rest your back in a different bed? As xxoo said, you had a lot more reasons for having your separate bedroom than your darn back. There are workarounds for bad backs. Millions of people have back problems and share a bed with their partner. Apparently you havent read my posts on the first page. Sleeping int he same bed with others tends to wake me up if/when they move. Then I have trouble getting back to sleep. I need a specific position to get comfy and fall asleep. Also, if someones in the bed with me and causes me to change position while Im in my sleep...lets say I end up on my stomach...then I wake up with a sore back and feel like crap for half the day. PT and exercise has helped a lot...but a good nights rest is very key too. If you read the OP, youd obviously see that I said my sleep is biggest thing for me wanting an auxiliary room. The other stuff is tack on and not necessary but definitely wanted. And I love how you minimize my back pain and scoliosis by saying I can just do workarounds....as if I dont use workarounds in my daily life when using a bunch of crap thats not always ergonomic. I love how its more important for a clingy woman not to feel insecure one night a week instead of me alleviating stinging pain in my back and getting some "me" time as well during a stressful week. Wow...some women. I play sports, Im active and exercise a fair bit...Id like to do what I can to eliminate any nagging issues in my body...and honestly...why try and defend my decision? Im attracted to fit women anyways, and theyll understand my feelings regarding my body. So nevermind. Edited September 2, 2012 by kaylan
Star Gazer Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Apparently you havent read my posts on the first page. Sleeping int he same bed with others tends to wake me up if/when they move. Then I have trouble getting back to sleep. I need a specific position to get comfy and fall asleep. Also, if someones in the bed with me and causes me to change position while Im in my sleep...lets say I end up on my stomach...then I wake up with a sore back and feel like crap for half the day. This is true of many, many people... And I love how you minimize my back pain and scoliosis by saying I can just do workarounds....and if I dont use workarounds in my daily life when using a bunch of crap thats not always ergonomic. I love how its more important for a clingy woman not to feel insecure one night a week instead of me alleviating stinging pain in my back and getting some "me" time as well during a stressful week. Wow...some women. I play sports, Im active and exercise a fair bit...Id like to do what I can to eliminate any nagging issues in my body...and honestly...why try and defend my decision? I attractive to fit women anyways, and theyll understand my feelings regarding my body. So nevermind. You're the one accusing the woman of being insecure, needy, clingy. PART OF LIVING WITH SOMEONE you're in a relationship with is SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED AS THEM on a nightly basis, not having a separate bed. ETA: I just asked my SO if HE would be okay with your suggested situation, and he said absolutely not. I suppose he's needy, insecure, clingy, etc., too? Because he wants to sleep in the same bed as his GF while living under the same roof?
Author kaylan Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 I already said that if there was a true medical need, I'd deal with it. But there was a LOT more to your OP than the back issue. The rest is BS, imho. I find insecure clinginess to be BS too. Thankfully several posters here let me know there are women out there who wont take issue with what I want. So its all good.
Star Gazer Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 I find insecure clinginess to be BS too. Explain why it is insecure and clingy to want to sleep in the same bed as the person you're living with?
carhill Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 A split adjustable king size bed would be one option to mitigate the back issue. Adjustable beds can make for interesting sex play too 4
Author kaylan Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 This is true of many, many people...And do they get stabbing back pain throughout some days? And if so, the stupid ones are the ones who dont remedy the situation and let it fester into older age. You're the one accusing the woman of being insecure, needy, clingy. PART OF LIVING WITH SOMEONE you're in a relationship with is SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED AS THEM on a nightly basis, not having a separate bed.Its part of living with someone, but if you have a back condition, or say they snore, or some other reasons, it is clingy and insecure to feel rejected because they sleep alone once a week. Come on now. ETA: I just asked my SO if HE would be okay with your suggested situation, and he said absolutely not. I suppose he's needy, insecure, clingy, etc., too? Because he wants to sleep in the same bed as his GF while living under the same roof? I dont care what youre man thinks. He dont feel what my body does, and he doesnt have the same wants as I do. I think most posters here know not to take one persons anecdote (especially yours) as gospel for whats right or wrong.
Star Gazer Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Thankfully several posters here let me know there are women out there who wont take issue with what I want. So its all good. Have you found one IRL yet?
SmileFace Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 A split adjustable king size bed would be one option to mitigate the back issue. Adjustable beds can make for interesting sex play too Problem solved. Thread over
maybealone Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Girls need be a bit more logical and less emotional about this. It should be a non issue really. I don't understand why this is an issue for you. Unless you are about to move in with someone right now, why worry about it? Just don't move in with any woman who isn't open to accepting your situation. Not all women are going to feel rejected, but some will. You are just made your pool of prospective lifelong mates smaller because you won't be able to live with one that would feel rejected. I don't see what the big deal is. As for why some women are emotional about this, try not to underestimate the importance of that just-before-bed conversation, in the dark, under the covers, with your very best friend in the whole world. It's one of the things that separates a spouse from a roommate. That's why I think you should consider separate beds in one room rather than separate bedrooms.
Author kaylan Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 Explain why it is insecure and clingy to want to sleep in the same bed as the person you're living with? It is if the person needs sleep alone once in a while to mitigate pain and restlessness. Its inconsiderate really. Why should you feel rejected because they need to sleep better every so often? It has nothing to do with you personally or how they feel about you, yet women are saying theyd feel rejected. Come on now.
Star Gazer Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 And do they get stabbing back pain throughout some days? Yup, he sure does. (My BF, that is.) Its part of living with someone, but if you have a back condition, or say they snore, or some other reasons, it is clingy and insecure to feel rejected because they sleep alone once a week. Come on now. No, it's not. Sleeping with someone involves intimacy. There is nothing insecure or clingy about wanting to maintain intimacy with the person you live with. I dont care what youre man thinks. He dont feel what my body does, and he doesnt have the same wants as I do. I think most posters here know not to take one persons anecdote (especially yours) as gospel for whats right or wrong. Ahhhh, and here you go with the personal jabs again. [saracasm]You're an AWESOME relationship partner! Your girlfriend is a lucky girl! [/sarcasm]
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