Seperate bedrooms

[kaylan]

Say youve been dating someone a while, and youve finally decided to move in together. Ive been thinking about this, and as much as I love cuddling, sleeping together, and sharing a space...I still need my own space for things. You know, like my bass, my guitar, clothing (which I have a decent amount, my desktop, dresser and closet space for all my junk, and other stuff too.

 

Now I know you can get some pretty big bedrooms, and some even have 2 closets, but those tend to be pricey...and theres only so much you can fit in a bedroom....and some things Id rather not put in the living room, as I tend to see the living room as more of an area to entertain guests. So I wouldnt want my instruments or computer stuff out there.

 

Also, I dont want to completely mix all my junk with someone elses. I like having my own dresser and with the amount of crap I have, I use up all 12 of my current drawers easily. My closet is decently filled with clothing and shoes, and once I have the cash, my wardrobe is going to get bigger as I want to buy a lot of nice suits.

 

Next, theres the idea of simple "me" time and "me" space. Sometimes I like to burrow away from everyone and just chill, play some guitar, listen to music, or just watch whatever game is on. Sure Ill do that in the living room mostly, but sometimes I like to just get some alone time.

 

And lastly, the biggest issue for me personally, is the bed. I enjoy sleeping with a girl, and cuddling up, but I couldnt see myself doing it all the time. Sometimes its hard for me to fall asleep, and once I finally fall asleep, I dont want to be accidentally woken up. Because then it wrecks my energy the whole next day because I usually dont get back to sleep right away. My issues with sleep is partly due to my lower back...its not the best as I have some muscle kinks that Im still working out. Not to mention I have mild scoliosis..so coupled with my lower back being sore at times, I sleep a certain way so I can get a good rest.

 

And when I dont have anything to do the next day or two, I have really weird awake and sleeping hours. And its rare people have the same working hours in todays day and age, so I dont wanna wake anyone up by getting to bed late, and I dont want to be forced to sleep on the couch because I stayed up late either.

 

Anyways, I tried to find stuff on this over the web, and though there was some decent things to read, I mostly ran into situations which included a snoring problem, or older couples who really need a good nights rest and cant take one anothers tossing or turning. And not to mention those stories of older married couples sleeping in different bedrooms because they arent on good terms...yikes. Im only in my mid 20s...so Im wondering if girls in their 20s and 30s would be put off by a guy wanting an auxiliary bed room? The two threads I found on this site had the women not feeling to keen about the idea.

Edited September 2, 2012 by kaylan

[anne1707]

OK I'm in my 40's but I can promise you that at no stage in my life I would have been happy to live with someone yet have separate bedrooms. The idea of going to separate rooms at the end of the evening is just so cold to me, or even worse going to bed, making love and then he gets out to go and sleep in his room. It would make me feel cheap. My H and I will only ever sleep apart if one of us is very unwell and definitely feels the need for space.

 

However I do understand the need for your own space just as any woman you might live would want her own space. Although even there you sound a little bit over-zealous regarding your stuff not being messed with. If you are living together, space does become blurred. If it matters that much to you then you may not be ready to live with some one.

[kaylan]

Its not every night. Just a couple nights a week at most. My back being the biggest reason. Sometimes I just really need to get a good nights rest and thats hard when my body has to take into account someone elses body being next to it. Like I said, I had a favorite position that makes sure I wont toss or turn at night....because when I do, I end up awake or in a different sleeping position that aggravates my lower back. And imagine getting a sharp needle in the back during the day when you bend over to pick something up, or when you take a hard step....it hurts like a bitch and exercise and good sleep gets rid of that.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Ugh, I would never agree to this.

 

You are not ready to live with someone.

[HeavenOrHell]

Nothing wrong with having 2 bedrooms, me and my ex did, for 18 years, it worked for us, both liked our own space, and we chose when to sleep in the same bed, and not do it as routine thing every night.

However I think we took having our own space a bit too much, I think spending more nights together might have gone in our favour.

 

But do what's right for you, no big deal having a room of your own, if your partner gets funny about it then she's not the right person for you.

[anne1707]

Then you invest money in getting a really good bed - as large as you can and with a mattress that works for you and your partner. We have done that and have plenty of space for us both to sleep comfortably plus not disturb each other if one of us is having a bad night's sleep (my H does have back problems too)

[kaylan]

Let me add , I cant control what my body does when Im knocked out....so I need to control what it does and whats around it before I fall asleep.

 

If a girl cannot understand the back part at least, then I guess thats a woman I wont live with or marry. I could spare not having a room for all the other reasons I mentioned, but when it comes to my back pain, I come first. Back pain is a bitch to live with. Its gotta be worse than any other aches Ive ever had. And Im saying this as a 25 year old. Luckily its gotten better with PT and going to the gym, but I couldnt imagine what it could be like if I still have it in older age.

[HeavenOrHell]

You can only speak for yourself, it worked for me and my ex for 18 years, suited us both, we loved living together, but separate rooms suited us, it doesn't mean you spend every night apart. We eased into living together with no problems instantly.

It suits some people but not others.

 

 

 

Ugh, I would never agree to this.

 

You are not ready to live with someone.

[kaylan]

You can only speak for yourself, it worked for me and my ex for 18 years, suited us both, we loved living together, but separate rooms suited us, it doesn't mean you spend every night apart. We eased into living together with no problems instantly.

It suits some people but not others.

Thank you. Btw...i love how some ignored the back pain and scoliosis. Are some women that selfish that their need to feel like we are completely meshed overshadows my needs as an individual? Does a relationship really mean you have to combine every last thing of who you are with someone else? Jeepers

Edited September 2, 2012 by kaylan

[Greznog]

Let me add , I cant control what my body does when Im knocked out....so I need to control what it does and whats around it before I fall asleep.

 

If a girl cannot understand the back part at least, then I guess thats a woman I wont live with or marry. I could spare not having a room for all the other reasons I mentioned, but when it comes to my back pain, I come first. Back pain is a bitch to live with. Its gotta be worse than any other aches Ive ever had. And Im saying this as a 25 year old. Luckily its gotten better with PT and going to the gym, but I couldnt imagine what it could be like if I still have it in older age.

 

Silly you, female emotional needs come before any need you could possibly have.

 

I understand, you're young.

[kaylan]

Then you invest money in getting a really good bed - as large as you can and with a mattress that works for you and your partner. We have done that and have plenty of space for us both to sleep comfortably plus not disturb each other if one of us is having a bad night's sleep (my H does have back problems too)

Sometimes a huge bed doesnt fix the sleeping issue. Sometimes your body needs room to sprawl out. Im waken very easily when sleeping with others. Ive slept in super huge beds with other people before and get waken up by one of us moving around. I know there will be times when I need a bed to myself. Hell, a spare memory foam twin in the same room wouldnt bother me to be honest.

[anne1707]

Sometimes a huge bed doesnt fix the sleeping issue. Sometimes your body needs room to sprawl out. Im waken very easily when sleeping with others. Ive slept in super huge beds with other people before and get waken up by one of us moving around. I know there will be times when I need a bed to myself. Hell, a spare twin in the same room wouldnt bother me to be honest.

 

 

That is down to the mattress - if you get a really good quality mattress, it is possible for one person to be twisting and turning all night and the other not to be disturbed. Ours is like that.

[kaylan]

That is down to the mattress - if you get a really good quality mattress, it is possible for one person to be twisting and turning all night and the other not to be disturbed. Ours is like that.

I know there are great foam mattresses out there and that with foam you dont transfer movement throughout the entire mattress when you get up or lie down.

 

But will the person Im sleeping with not roll onto me or touch me too much? Thats what Im saying. We cant control what our bodies do when we sleep. My good buddy used to hate when his ex slept over during the week cus she would kick him a lot in her sleep.

[HeavenOrHell]

Exactly. Every person has different wants/needs, so within our r/ships we work things out the best way we can which suits us both.

 

There are many reasons couples might sleep separately, I find it quite insulting that that could be labelled as room mates with benefits, when in actual fact the r/ship where we didn't always share a bed was one of the most loving, close, intimate r/ships I've ever had. We were an extremely cuddly affectionate couple.

 

Do what is best for you, and explain your reasons to your partner, if she truly cares she'll not be offended

 

 

 

Thank you. Btw...i love how some ignored the back pain and scoliosis. Are some women that selfish that their need to feel like we are completely meshed overshadows my needs as an individual? Does a relationship really mean you have to combine every last thing of who you are with someone else? Jeepers

[HeavenOrHell]

Totally understand, when my ex had sciatica if he'd not slept in his own bed I wouldn't have slept at all either, he had to constantly move around or sleep hunched over a pillow for a couple of years.

 

 

 

Let me add , I cant control what my body does when Im knocked out....so I need to control what it does and whats around it before I fall asleep.

 

If a girl cannot understand the back part at least, then I guess thats a woman I wont live with or marry. I could spare not having a room for all the other reasons I mentioned, but when it comes to my back pain, I come first. Back pain is a bitch to live with. Its gotta be worse than any other aches Ive ever had. And Im saying this as a 25 year old. Luckily its gotten better with PT and going to the gym, but I couldnt imagine what it could be like if I still have it in older age.

[kaylan]

Exactly. Every person has different wants/needs, so within our r/ships we work things out the best way we can which suits us both.

 

There are many reasons couples might sleep separately, I find it quite insulting that that could be labelled as room mates with benefits, when in actual fact the r/ship where we didn't always share a bed was one of the most loving, close, intimate r/ships I've ever had. We were an extremely cuddly affectionate couple.

 

Do what is best for you, and explain your reasons to your partner, if she truly cares she'll not be offended

Thanks again.

 

And heres a similar thread I found. My wife is pissed off because I want two seperate beds in our room.. (boyfriend, marriage) - Dating, marriage, boyfriends, girlfriends, men, women, friends, attraction ... - City-Data Forum

 

Based on what Ive found online, and with the small sample of responses so far, the OP in the linked thread has a point; Why do women seem more resistant to the idea of separate bedrooms or even just beds when it comes to getting sleep? The purpose of which is to re-energize the body.

[anne1707]

I know there are great foam mattresses out there and that with foam you dont transfer movement throughout the entire mattress when you get up or lie down.

 

Exactly

 

But will the person Im sleeping with not roll onto me or touch me too much? Thats what Im saying. We cant control what our bodies do when we sleep. My good buddy used to hate when his ex slept over during the week cus she would kick him a lot in her sleep.

 

Again with a good mattress there is no forced roll together. As for sleeping patterns, everybody is different and it may be that your friend's ex was just one of those people who moved a lot. Not everybody does.

[anne1707]

Why do women seem more resistant to the idea of separate bedrooms or even just beds when it comes to getting sleep? The purpose of which is to re-energize the body.

 

Because there is intimacy in sleeping together and then waking up to each other

[HeavenOrHell]

I said to my current partner that if we were ever able to live together then I'd need a room of my own and he totally understands it, he did say one time ages ago that he'd probably want to sleep in the same bed every night, but I think that's cos it was early on in our r/ship, and now he's calmed down a bit he totally wouldn't make a fuss if I wanted to spend some nights alone, he's not clingy or insecure.

 

This doesn't make me a cold fish, I'm the warmest, most affectionate person I know

[HeavenOrHell]

I wouldn't want to spend every night apart, because it is lovely sharing a bed. On the nights we didn't share a bed we'd tuck each other in And have lie ins together.

Plenty of cuddling and intimacy to be had in the daytime as well

 

 

 

Because there is intimacy in sleeping together and then waking up to each other

[kaylan]

Because there is intimacy in sleeping together and then waking up to each other

Of course there is. But its not needed every single night, especially if someone has back issues. Or if they simply need a good recharge sleep for the long day of work ahead. Some people just get their best sleep when its alone.

 

I do love the intimacy, but I do love a great rest where I wake up without soreness. The only soreness I enjoy is the kind that comes after a hard workout.

[iris219]

The fact that you are anticipating an issue before there is one is problematic. You haven’t lived with a girl, so you don’t know if you’d really want separate rooms. Right now, it’s just a theory.

 

If you actually lived with someone and had the sleep issues you've outlined in the OP, I would say it's fine to sleep in a separate room every now and then, and I can't imagine your GF would mind, considering your back issues. There’s nothing wrong with keeping your stuff in a separate room/space. Most couples have their own space or room (if the house is big enough) for their stuff. They don’t generally throw all their stuff together.

 

How you discuss the issue will be important. If you say, "Hey, I'm going to need separate rooms" before you live together, that could be offensive, but if you explain your back issues, that's different. Explain that you are willing to try sleeping together, but you aren't sure how your back will take it.

 

I'm curious: How many bedrooms do you plan to have? Don't you live in NYC? Apartments aren't typically spacious, unless you're paying a lot. In your OP, it sounds like you want a room for yourself and one that you both share. I'm not sure how that's going to go over.

[kaylan]

Youre right, I am just thinking ahead some. I just like discussing things even if its not a "right now" sort of thing.

 

And I still live in suburban NY. I may or may not move back to NYC this fall. Its not hard to get something for a decent size but not too expensive if you live in east Queens. The further from Manhattan, the cheaper the outer boros become.

 

Regarding the extra room...I think Ideally we could have a main room, and than split the extra room sorta. It can be an alone time place for each person when they need it. And a place to hold extra stuff. Plus it comes in handy for those couples with different work and sleep schedules.

 

Like you said, its just an idea for now. Maybe I have a huge bedroom with a huge California king size bed one day...and maybe Ill have a girlfriend who doesnt toss or turn much in bed. Then this thread wouldnt mean much then.

[EasyHeart]

Thank you. Btw...i love how some ignored the back pain and scoliosis. Are some women that selfish that their need to feel like we are completely meshed overshadows my needs as an individual? Does a relationship really mean you have to combine every last thing of who you are with someone else? Jeepers

One of the reasons I love this forum is because it helps me to remember what I was like when I was younger and still thought the world was fair and people were rational.

 

In Girl World, the answer to both your questions is "Yes"! Only it is you that are being selfish by expressing any need or desire whatsoever. Remember, "What's hers is hers and what's yours is hers, too." Then you'll start being able to predict how women behave.

[iris219]

Youre right, I am just thinking ahead some. I just like discussing things even if its not a "right now" sort of thing.

 

And I still live in suburban NY. I may or may not move back to NYC this fall. Its not hard to get something for a decent size but not too expensive if you live in east Queens. The further from Manhattan, the cheaper the outer boros become.

 

Regarding the extra room...I think Ideally we could have a main room, and than split the extra room sorta. It can be an alone time place for each person when they need it. And a place to hold extra stuff. Plus it comes in handy for those couples with different work and sleep schedules.

 

Like you said, its just an idea for now. Maybe I have a huge bedroom with a huge California king size bed one day...and maybe Ill have a girlfriend who doesnt toss or turn much in bed. Then this thread wouldnt mean much then.

 

You may find this to be a non-issue, unless you have a GF who doesn't care that your back hurts and wants you to be her personal teddy bear regardless, but that would be a different issue.

 

I need to find someone who doesn't toss and turn as well. I'm a light sleeper who never moves. I wake up in the same position I fell asleep in with a book and my phone inches from my head.

 

Having different work/sleep schedules can be a problem. My ex and I almost broke up over the snooze button. I have strong disdain for anyone who hits snooze. Hit it more than once, and I start wanting to kill you. We slept in separate rooms for a couple months until my schedule changed, and it saved the relationship.

 

This thread is reminding me how hard it is to live with someone. Or maybe I'm just hard to live with.