Did she leave me for somebody else?

[Rol]

Hello everybody,

 

I need some input from people outside of the bias zone to help me shed some light on my breakup and either ease or confirm my suspicions about the truth. Three weeks ago, my girlfriend of 3.2 years suddenly ended our relationship; we had been living together for most of that time and had just moved to a new house together, in this time she also found a job (she had been unemployed for a few months after being laid off). The reasons she gave were almost exclusively my fault, which in my naivety I accepted without question; this has been my first serious relationship and she is without question the first person I would have ever called a "partner". Whether it makes a difference or not there was an age gap between us, she being my senior by around 8 years. I met her at a friends leaving party when I was 19 years old.

 

She suggested several of my less than admirable traits as reasons why she no longer wanted to be with me such as my lack of inclination to splurge money on holidays or the fact that I am easily aggravated by the ignorance of other people, she also stated that "we never do anything as a couple" which is entirely untrue as two weeks before we had gone out to the movies and had dinner. She was always very jealous and went to great lengths to eliminate other females from my life, removing friends from my Facebook account and phone numbers in the first few months of being together she had very strong views on people who commit infidelity in a relationship, which I didn't really find to be a problem, would never cheat on anyone it just isn't in my nature.

 

We had conversations about children, marriage etc. as you do. The whole children subject was always a bone of contention, I want children but even at 23 years old, do not feel ready for them; I know you can never be prepared but I at least would like to provide the things that I never had growing up; she, on the other hand at 31 years old always insinuated a sense of urgency concerning her biological clock; this put large amounts of pressure on me, all the time; something I had made her aware of. Early in the relationship I made it clear that if that was an outcome of high importance that she leave me, as despite the fact I loved her, desperately so, I did not want to be responsible for her not having children. She always said if she couldn't have children with me then she would rather not have them.

 

Not so many months ago, we were looking into mortgages and purchasing our own house; which obviously, fell through when she lost her job. I was more than willing to invest in a house with her, with the intention of building our lives and dreams with each other. We had many brilliant times together, shared similar views on things and made each other laugh. Sex was brilliant but not a constant due to various factors such as tiredness or just a lack of inclination; I never saw this as an issue because although I love sex, for me the other bits were more important. Despite the lack of consistent physical contact I never felt our relationship lacked passion, enthusiasm or sensuality. Sex was always more constant int he early stages of the relationship, which I am led to believe is normal.

 

I thought this lady was incredibly special and was always thinking how lucky I was that I had someone so brilliant to share my time with, she stuck with me through severe depression; which is never an easy thing to endure and I felt that each day that passed, our relationship grew stronger and easier.

 

When she broke up with me, I had to lay down because my heart was beating so fast that I felt as though it was clenching; I'e never felt so ill as the last few weeks since that moment.

 

However, certain things have been happening that make me question the reasons for the sudden end of something I thought was so special. Two weeks before the break up she added a man to her Facebook account whom she met at her new job, I didn't really think anything of this as I never got particularly jealous (I am a bit arrogant in this way or maybe I just trusted her completely) I did however start to remember this after the break up, that she mentioned this guy quite a lot and would ask me questions and then mention him when I asked why she asked me.

 

Whilst at work the other day, the man in question came into my place of work with what I think was his mother, he did not know me and has never met me but I could not help but hear several names in his conversation one of which was my ex-girlfriends name which is not a common name where I live, this rattled me quite a bit but I tried to maintain composure as I believe we can sometimes "hear" things in times of great distress/discomfort.

 

As was usual I had nightmares that night about this all and the need to know if this could be something more than a coincidence overwhelmed my judgement; we shared all aspects of our lives including account passwords etc.so, although I know this is wrong I attempted to log into her Facebook account; the password I used used to be correct but I was greeted with "you changed your password August 14th at 10:20 am, do you remember this?" I was pretty shocked and confused by this as she broke up with me on August 13th at around 23:00 p.m, this is what set off a chain of suspicions for me; I see no reason to be so secretive? I had never really logged on to her account before now, I never felt the need to but she knew I knew the password. I blocked her on Facebook around a week into the breakup, mainly because I didn't want to see pictures of her as I couldn't bear to see her face without wanting to be next to her, I guess I felt hurt and thus I had no access to her activity; fortunately my friends still did so after seeing she had changed password I checked her account on my friends account and saw that she had changed her relationship status to "Single" on the 21st August, one week after the breakup; which hurt so much, I couldn't even begin to describe; I felt discarded.

 

But this begged the question who was she announcing this to? Why did it matter so much to be seen to be single? Finally the last piece of the suspicion puzzle fell in place when I finally connected my phone to WiFi and I received several notifications from Ebay, which was odd as I didn't have an account but remembered, she did and used my phone to buy things on several occasions; a lot of the stuff was usual; dvd's books, clothing but one thing really stood out to me; a piece of lingerie bought on the 23rd August 2012. I was absolutely devastated and confused by this, who was she buying this for? Quite honestly, sex, has been the last thing on my mind the past few weeks so even the act of buying this I felt odd; she had bought lingerie in the past, but, obviously it was for my benefit. Do women buy lingerie for themselves?

 

The last time I saw her was Saturday 25th August, two whole days before my 23rd Birthday; I packed the rest of my stuff at her request and gave her the key; I asked her if she could let me get on with my life and that the handing of this key meant the end of contact was agreed, she nodded and I left. On my birthday I received a text from her devoid of kisses which read "happy birthday, sorry I never meant or wanted to hurt you" this shook me up because I thought we had agreed, no more contact, I left it a few days (at this time I still did not know of her relationship status, change of passwords, lingerie etc.) and finally text her back (I did not want her to think I was waiting for her to text me, despite that not being true) asking why she felt compelled to wish someone she had just broken up with happy birthday and that she had hurt me, despite not "wanting" to I simply asked her to please leave me alone but that also we should speak one last time in person for closure.

 

I am meeting her tonight but now all of this other stuff has surfaced and I don't know what conclusion to make, I am so confused, hurt, angry and upset and I don't honestly know how to ask her about any of it. Whatever happens I think I may change my phone number after this and quite possibly move away to another part of the country. The thought of her being with somebody else, makes me feel disgusted, I feel like I don't even know this person I was with for 3 years, if this all turns out to be confirmed suspicion then I am honestly afraid of how I might react.

 

Please help me.

[jgregory4614]

Hello Rol,

 

Sorry to hear about your break up. The best thing to do is let it be. Dont dig for no more information about what she is doing. All you will do is hurt yourself in the long run. When you meet with her get your closer and get out of there. Dont ask if shes seeing someone else. It will not do you any good finding out. Delete any ties to her including your ebay account. You did really good blocking her facebook account.

 

Break ups are hard to get through Rol. Its a long hard road, espeacially when its your first one. Just cut all ties with her and get involved with a new circle of friends. The less contact you have with her the better off you are.

[atarisboy86]

I agree. Grab your stuff and start NC immediately. You can make the same mistake I made and ask questions and more than likely get hurt from the answers. Save yourself that trouble and start your healing. You're a few years younger than I and you'll be fine. Just take the time to stick to NC and you'll be on your way. Good luck!

[Chi townD]

You can ask her about this other guy. But, to be honest...she'll deny, deny and deny...

 

You probably won't get any answers from her...well, at least honest ones.

[Rol]

Well, I met with her that night; it doesn't appear she has left me for another guy. I feel as though by talking about it all on here to complete strangers I am betraying her, as though these type of conversations are too intimate to share but in many ways; I need the advice here.

 

The consensus was that she is still in love with me and obviously, I with her; the main reason for her ending it and subsequently not wanting to get back with me despite our obvious mutual feelings is that she does not believe I will address the anger/depression issues which make her feel stressed and anxious around me. I told her that if I knew not going to see a shrink would cause the end of the most precious relationship I have then I would have gone in a heartbeat, she said that she wanted me to do it for myself and not for the relationship.

 

She has no faith in me to commit to therapy of any description (this probably isn't helped by the fact I quit my meds, they were doing nothing for me) and she doesn't want to risk it. I found this hard to take in I asked her why she couldn't have faith in me and wasn't willing to risk it for something this good; seemingly this upset her more. She was even quite angry asking me why everything has to be about how I feel, I asked her if this was goodbye and she said she couldn't be with me at the moment. I told her that it was unfair to keep me on a tether like this, I said if this is goodbye then don't text me, message me or phone me; let me get on with my life.

 

This has been the longest, most painful period of my life so far as she has not contacted me once; though I asked her not to, secretly I wish she would just say SOMETHING. I don't feel that meeting her gave me any closure but instead, made it much, much worse. It would have been better if she had said "I hate your guts and I don't love you.". But I know she is missing me, that she is still in love with me but just doesn't want to be with me.

 

The conversation, though serious was dotted with little familiarities, all of which, probably upset me more than the important conversation. I made some jokes with her and made her laugh; I asked if anyone else made her laugh like I did and she started crying. I told her that something that feels this bad can't be the right thing to do and she didn't answer.

 

She said she was always uncertain about my mood; as for one or two weeks in her words, I could be extremely happy, ambitious etc. but then for months on end, depressed, pessimistic and angry. I can see this would be incredibly difficult to live with and I think maybe I don't deserve to have someone special in my life.

 

I always thought love was an impartial thing; my dysfunction has now certainly, become a meaningful issue; costing me something more valuable than anything else in the world to me.

 

I feel so incomplete and lost, my chest feels shallow and I can't breathe properly most of the time. I've spent the last two days crying all the time like some pathetic moron.

 

I honestly have never felt like there is a cure out there for me but also; have never had the inclination to talk to someone about the intimate details of myself; even now I still fear it but I 100% believe I would pursue it if I knew it would get her back.

 

How can I prove to her that I will commit myself to becoming a more comforting person to be around? She makes me want to be the best I can be but somehow she doesn't have enough faith in me.

[Mint Sauce]

Roi,

 

I'm really sorry for you, but it sounds to me that she's indeed seeing someone else (and denying it), and using your issues to shift some of the blame back to you. Your issues may be related to her seeking something outside of your relationship, but even then she should come clean with you (and by no means do your issues give her the right to cheat). What did she say about the lingerie?

 

I agree that one shouldn't keep digging in the what, how, when, where, but I do think you deserve to know if you were left for another guy, if you want to know that. It may help you be angry, and feel the strength of your own backbone.

 

In hindsight, any indications she was already detaching a few months ago?

 

Hang in there!

[Mint Sauce]

I can see this would be incredibly difficult to live with and I think maybe I don't deserve to have someone special in my life.

 

Rol, NEVER EVER think that again! I can tell from the way you wrote your story that in spite of your issues you're a great person, and by all means do you deserve, and will you have someone special in your life!

 

Don't let this situation get you down like this! Many of my best friends have very deep issues. It's partly a consequence of them being intelligent and very sensitive, partly due to the trauma's they collected during (early) life. They have found a partner who is willing to stand by them in the tough times, and so will you.

 

In any case, regardless of what your ex expects, I do recommend seeking counselling. You'll be able to discuss both this rollercoaster, and when you feel up to it, your other issues. I can't recommend it enough.

Edited September 5, 2012 by Mint Sauce

[Rol]

I honestly have no inclination to seek therapy; especially not now. I had to try it when I was 11 years old, unfortunately I couldn't make the appointments anymore but it didn't seem to help then and I don't think it will now.

 

I don't really want to sit in a room with someone talking about how much of a freak I am, why I am ****ed up and how I can be a better person. Because I honestly don't care enough about myself to want to change (selfish but true)

 

The only person who I care about enough to want to change is her and without her; I will always be empty, alone and friendless.

 

Mornings these days are accompanied by disappointment, shame and regret and although I am an agnostic; I go to bed most nights praying to "someone/thing?" that I don't wake up the next day.

 

I am definitely a weak, self-centered and cowardly individual and understand that relief is a feeling we only feel in life; but it isn't about that anymore; it's about the possibility that I might be messed up my entire life and that even IF there were a miniscule possibility of meeting someone as special as her in the future; they will probably leave me at some point again anyway and I don't want pain like this again, like I said; I'm weak and I can't deal with the situation; it is happening; I know it is and I know I should accept that but I can't.

 

But all of this, as you say, is what made her leave me and it is all well and good saying; if you don't want it to happen again then you should change but that's like telling someone to wear a condom after they have contracted HIV; it's too late, it's over and there is no point in pursuing prevention when the sickness has already occurred; you need a cure which is only; her telling me she is willing to stick with me and support me and be there for me as I seek to make myself better.

[g450]

You can ask her about this other guy. But, to be honest...she'll deny, deny and deny...

 

You probably won't get any answers from her...well, at least honest ones.

 

Yeah I remember my XW doing all that as well. Changed passwords and was in a big hurry to tell ALL the guys she was now single.

 

Listen Rol, in the end it really doesnt matter whether she did or not. It's over and the reasons arent that important. But I can understand how you feel. I made it a mission in life to find out if and who the other man was right before and even after the divorce. I simply wanted to know who was responsible and why my marriage ended because I could not for the life of me see any real problems in my marriage.

 

I am now in a place where I could care less what the X does. She is basically dead to me. You will get there too. And you will find somebody better. But for the record, yes I can almost guarantee you that she has another man. But try to move past that and dont persue it any more as nothing good will come of it. Go out with friends and start dating again when your ready.

[Rol]

Well, it's been week minus 11 hours of No Contact (she kept her word and hasn't text or phoned me etc. the whole time) It's also been a month minus 32 hours since the break up.

 

Things do not appear to be getting any better; Nothing anyone says both here and in real life seem to make things easier; usually harder! Every morning I wake up; dehydrated with no energy; feeling physically and emotionally drained. Most nights I dream about her.

 

So many times I have just wanted to text her and ask her if she still misses me, if she still loves me, if there is any chance she might still want to be with me.

 

I've made an appointment with my doctor; all of this has started to push me down the dark spiral once more; I refuse to start taking AD medication again; it looks like talking to a shrink might be my only choice.

[Calico]

Things do not appear to be getting any better; Nothing anyone says both here and in real life seem to make things easier; usually harder! Every morning I wake up; dehydrated with no energy; feeling physically and emotionally drained. Most nights I dream about her.

 

It won't get better if you don't even drink enough water! What are you actively doing to get better? It's not going to "just" happen one day, and just reading what people say isn't going to make a huge difference unless you start applying what you read.

 

So, here, five simple things that you can do:

 

- Drink at least two litres of plain water a day (no soda, no alcohol). Start doing that NOW. In fact, stop reading, get a glass of water, drink it (don't just stare at it!), and then continue reading.

 

- I know you probably can't really eat (I can't either), so force yourself to have a few bananas and oranges a day. Bananas are "happy" food. Consider taking some magnesium (if available, with vitamin D).

 

- Rent or buy "Dark Shadows" and "Hair Spray". Watch them a few times.

 

- Stop counting the hours since you had last contact. Write down the dates and times and put it in a box. You're probably doing this obsessively.

 

- Get or buy a large teddy bear or a plush cat, and hold it before you go to bed. Yes, it's un-manly. No one cares, no one will see you do it. Hold it and cry. Take care of your inner child and let the grief flow freely.

 

Do this and share your experiences.

[I'm nuts]

Looking for perfection in someone is futile, you can go from person looking for the perfect person and they just don't exist, we all have a kind of Jekyll and Hyde side to our personality, I know I do, I can be nice and sweet or a can be a right horrible little bastard when I want too

 

My point is don't go beating yourself up because of some minor personalty issues, lots of people get angry, frustrated, depressed, but real love from the other person helps and supports you, they don't walk out on you, I loved a girl with her faults and all because I know all human being will have something about them that will annoy you or p155 you off, just ask do you love this person enough to cope with them?

 

Lets say this girl has gone to another guy, after the honeymoon period has worn off she will see things in him that she wont like, so the reason why she left you for someone else is because she wants perfection that she will never find

[Rol]

I tend to agree with you; it's our imperfections that make us the people we are, the people who are loved and wanted by others.

 

I almost broke and called her yesterday;I just wanted to ask if this situation was making her happy, if she even missed me at all or if she was still in love with me. I didn't call her.

 

I would prefer if the answer to all of those questions was NO but I know that it wouldn't be that easy/simple.

 

I am however coming to the conclusion that if she really does care about me then she will apologize and ask for this to be healed in the future and if she HAS shacked up with some other guy this quickly then she really wasn't as special as I thought she was.

 

If she has been compromised either physically, emotionally or both then I wont want to be with her anyway; even if she realizes that the grass is not greener.

 

But also I fear for the idea that she hasn't done this and will one day ask to reconcile; I'm not even sure I trust her now, not like before anyway.

 

Sleep pattern is still screwed but at least I am eating better now! Trying to keep hydrated and avoid the sugary stuff; not a big drinker so the alcohol isn't hard to avoid.

 

I have an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow RE: a referral for therapy. I want to at least try it before I pass judgement.

 

I don't even care if she knows I am going or not, what I do know is, how I am feeling is beyond my personal control right now and I need to discover ways to change this.

 

Physical exercise is still a chore and a bore, this is coming from someone who usually does it compulsively. I just see no point.

[Chi townD]

I've made an appointment with my doctor; all of this has started to push me down the dark spiral once more; I refuse to start taking AD medication again; it looks like talking to a shrink might be my only choice.

 

 

There's absolutely no shame in getting help. This is probably your best opition to getting you the help you need and getting out of this rut. There's also no shame in needing to take some medication to help you through this rough peroid in your life.

 

Time to be selfish and worry about YOU. Time to fix YOU. It's time to heal, bud.

[ParadeRain]

I need to say a few things in here, because I finally feel like I've discovered somebody who is experiencing exactly the same as I have experienced over the past few months.

 

I won't go into my situation, but she is my first and only love, I fell in love with somebody for the first time... and regardless of the messy end, her breaking my heart into a million pieces, I believe I always will love her.

 

3 words - I, WAS, DEVASTATED, when she ended it I hit ROCK BOTTOM... the feeling you have been experiencing... I believe I experienced worse... I know you can relate to that, that's the best way I can describe it.

 

I felt like I had nothing to live for when I lost her, and my mind explored dark, dark places I never want to revisit.

 

She left in June - shock / disbelief.

 

July - The worst month of my entire life, words can't describe being heart broken.

 

August - I miss her, but she's gone, and there is nothing I can do to change that, I picked myself up out of the hole I was in and got myself a new job, I hurt every single day, I think about her all the time, I wonder what she's doing at random times of the day, I wake thinking about her, I sleep thinking about her, and I dream about her, sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I feel low, I just miss her, and I wish she was still here.

 

September - Here and now, I still miss her, I'm working my new job, my time is occupied, I think about her a lot, but I also think about my life, I want to progress and achieve, I still love her, but I would never take her back if I had the opportunity, she hurt me like nobody ever could and ever will, I will do better than her in life, my circumstances are superior to hers, she is heading nowhere in life, I am clear on my way to achieving what I want from life...

 

 

This is brief, I would like to explain more detail, this may not even be accurate, this is just how I remember my feelings to date,

 

I think what I'm trying to say is, as of recent days, it is BEARABLE, June/July was UNBEARABLE, and don't get me wrong, I am still hurting, I still miss her with all of my heart, but I believe I can go on to live my life... on my function day to day on a personal motto - success is the best revenge.

 

You have to man-up, you have the right to hurt and feel as much pain as you wish, but you HAVE TO be a warrior, soldier through the emotions and physically drag yourself back into a pleasurable lifestyle...

 

Most importantly Rol, you need to accept it, the reasons she left me we're exactly the same as your situation... based on my faults, it is also possible and almost certain that in my situation that she left for somebody else I'm 85% sure... either way... it is not important the real reason they left us... because I can GUARANTEE that they are not coming back to us....

 

Therefore you have to ACCEPT that, take the thoughts of getting her back, and turn them into thoughts of getting yourself back... that is the ONLY WAY.

Edited September 10, 2012 by ParadeRain