AddancX Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Hey guys. I'm new to this forum. I will try to make this as short as possible. I've been in an LDR with a girl since August 20th-ish 2011 till August 3rd of this year. We never met in person but we had plans. We met, virtually, as you can say on the ps3. We would talk everyday, always gaming together, having a laugh and just simply having a good time. Weeks passed, and then she asks for my number. Wish I was kind of hesitant to give because I didn't tell her where I was from. She thought I was in the USA. (where she was). Days passed and passed and we were getting really attached. She went out to buy a mic and we engaged in voice chats. Everyday we would get more and more attached. Blocking out everything else and just simply waking up every morning, get on the ps3 and see if she was online. She would do the same. In around september, I told her exactly where I was from and she was surprised because she thought I lived in the USA. I live in Kuwait and she lives in georgia,usa. Approx 7000miles apart. We then started exchanging pictures, adding eachother on facebook and finally we exchanged phone numbers. We told eachother we loved one another and that we were lovers. We were hesitating on whether to take the next step and commit to a relationship. We couldn't say no. We loved each other's company. More than anything. I enjoyed being with her more than anything, even friends I had in high school. The feeling was mutual too. Everything was great. We would talk all the time, have fun and really cherish every moment. At the beginning of october, I moved to Malta which is a country in Europe because I was attending college. (5000 miles apart) I thought this move would prevent us from communicating often and I remember me telling her goodbye for awhile and to not forget me, but I was deluded. When I moved to Malta, we talked even more! This time it was over the phone, everything was perfect. We would talk around 6-10 hours a day. Sleep together on the phone. I would buy and ship her gifts from time to time. She really was my joy and happiness and I could tell that I was hers. Because she would always tell me, that I'm the best boyfriend, nobody ever treated her like the way I did and she herself never knew somebody would treat her the way I do. Anyways, everything was going great. She asked me when we will meet and that had me stumped because I never really thought of it. But I told Summer 2012, without really being sure. Our relationship continued, every day got better and better. Everything was perfect. We were so in love. The downside was that I neglected my studies and was failing my exams and not attending lectures because I would stay up all night with her, due to our time differences. Our relationship was going smoothly, until I started knowing about her past. I asked her things I shouldn't have. How many guys she was with, what did she do with them etc. keep in mind that we're both virgins but me i was raised old fashioned, I haven't really had a girlfriend so to speak but she has had guys in her past. Everytime she told me this, I would get mad, jealous and just automatically turn into a douchebag. I would call her a bitch. Hang up on her. It was my mistake. I felt so jealous. So cheated on. I know it was wrong but it happened. She cried so many times. Told me it was her past and told me to forget it and she regretted it. I carried this on. It was stuck in my head, knowing a guy has touched the girl I loved so dearly like that. It made me throw up and cry sometimes. Anyways, after knowing all this, our relationship bent slowly downhill. (this happened during february) I would break up with her and COME BACK, because I had cooled down and just accepted the fact that I loved this girl. (she would always take me back because she loved me) and we both knew that our problems were because of the distance. If the distance wasn't there we would be together, holding eachother etc. I would have so many douchebag moments and I judged her from her past up until May. The reason why she takes me back all the time is because we both knew our turmoil was temporary. She wanted to see me. So that none of this matters. It was finally getting close to summer and I had to take my exams in June. Turns out I couldnt take them, because my attendance was low. I had to take them in september, which meant that I have to go back to my home country and study for the summer. I told her this and she blew up. She began tearing up, crying, because she told her family that i will be coming and they told her something like 'I told you it wont work out'. Afterall all thats happened, she still decides to be with because the love is still there and strong. I promised her to see her in december 2012, because I will have a christmas holiday and I already have a visa so all I needed was the money and that I have. She breaks up with me on august 3rd my birthday, which she regrets, i was avoiding her ( I was jealous) I saw her tweeting about her ex, it was nothing major but I made a big deal out of it. She was definite this time. She didn't want to take me back. She said that she always loves me but she doesn't want to be in a long distance. One night, I was thinking of all the times I hurt her, when I said all those mean things to her about her past, I cried on the phone because it hit me how low I stooped. She calmed me down and said she needed space to see what she wants. We still talk everyday to this day. We talk like a couple, calling eachother baby. Telling eachother 'I love you'. I feel like being led on because I ask her are we getting back together and she says no. She doesnt talk to me as much because she says she has a life and needs a job. I told her i'll always care about her and if she needs me i'm always there. She called me one time, crying because her nana hit her. I was there for her, made her happy again. It hurts though because I want to be together but she doesn't. She tells me that she doesn't know what she wants. I was talking to another girl after we broke up, just casually talking, she found out then messaged that girl and called her a bitch etc. She also told me that she hated me and that she was done forever. I called her after that incident and she told me she was jealous and apologised for cussing at me. Afew days later, keep in mind its been like aweek after our break up, I find her talking to this guy, he lives in missouri though which is closer to her than I was. She calls me and tells me that he wants to buy her a ticket to come see him, I was so distraught. I was about to die. She told me that she doesn't want to move yet because it was so fast, she only knew the guy for a week. She told me I was the only person she could see moving for. Our communication was thin after that. I knew that all her attention was on this guy. I was so jealous because I got rid of the girl for her and she went and did the same thing. This time though, she isn't considering my feelings. I would go on skype and see her online and I knew she was talking to that guy. I would get mad, tell her why she's doing what she's doing. That it's wrong. She says she knows, and doesn't know what to do. Later on, her mom messages me on facebook and tells me that her daughter has lost her mind. I told her why, she said because she's told that guy to buy her a ticket so she can come see him. I was so upset. I called her. Asked her why, begged her to not go, reminded her that she loved me. She then told me that she's not going. It was her mistake. I just don't know what to do now. I want her more than anything. She is truly the best thing that's ever happened to me. The reason for my smile. We are lovers now. But I am the one who initiates contact first most of the time. People have told me to delete any contact between each other and she will come to me. I can't do that. I feel so alone. Sometimes I cry, remember all those times we shared. Her giggles, her laughs, her calling me the best boyfriend. I am back in Malta now, preparing for my september resits and I feel alone more than ever. I had hopes of coming back here to be happy again with her but I see that's not the case. The apartment I live in now reminds me so much of her, even though she wasn't here, every furniture in my apartment reminds me of her, because I would always be on the phone with her, always. I don't know what do. We talk less. She is always busy. I am not her priority anymore. I wish things would go back to the way they were. I try to study for my exams, end up looking at a sofa, or a chair and cry because I would always be sitting there and talking to her. I never imagined us being like this because we would always talk about never being without each other. I always over think until I cry, my eyes have turned red and puffy. I just wish I could start again, I wish I attended college so I couldve taken my exams in june and met her in july. But thats not how life works. I don't think 'no contact' is an option. I always hurt, cry and then text her telling her I need her. When she calls, I automatically feel better. She is all I have and with her, I know she has other priorities. She doesn't feel this way about me for some reason. When we talk on the phone, I'm always reminding her of the good times we've spent. Always telling her that I miss it. I ask her if she's lost feelings, she tells me she hasn't. I'm just not used to being treated this way about her. I miss waking up and finding 10 missed calls. Waking up to texts. Talking to her all the time. I just don't know what to do. We love each other. She doesn't know what to do. I want her. She is the reason for my smile. She has other priorities. Everything has changed. It's all my fault. What can I do in a situation like this? I don't want to go cold and into a no contact mode because I'm afraid of her forgetting about me, taking advantage of that time to meet people. I'm afraid of her losing feelings. What can I do? I'm a sensitive, caring guy. I hope this post was understandable, english isn't my first language. Sorry for any grammar mistakes. I just need help. Because I'm just so depressed. I felt like cutting myself, which I know I would never ever do..
JWRP Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 (edited) She's not your cousin right? Then you definitely can go NC. This relationship is destructive to your personal life and future, therefore any future with her. Let that idea sink in. Everything was perfect. We were so in love. The downside was that I neglected my studies and was failing my exams and not attending lectures because I would stay up all night with her ^^It was not perfect. The two of you should've been talking about a future and instead you talked about PS3 and that led the relationship to become destructive towards your studies. The moment you had a Saturday night where you didn't say, I have to work on studies for our future was where you messed up, not with your exams (well yes with them too). You have to go to the source of where your problems started, FOCUS ON CLASSES (insert mean word for effect). Ok, that out of the way the only healthy choice you should see is NC. Unless this is your first love and you fear it's going to take ten years to find it again? They'll be a fun ten years if you do your studies : ). I think you have an underlying trust problem, or anger issue but I'm no expert there. Do you get mad at family a lot or are you untrusting? You might want to work on those issues before you commit to someone else. I asked her things I shouldn't have. ^^You can't have that in love. Everything is open. <3 Edited September 2, 2012 by JWRP
Author AddancX Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 I have a second chance right now. She left me at the wrong time. She left me right when I needed to study for my resit exams. That led me to be depressed and confused, but I am managing. She told me to study hard and to pass my exams for us. For her and for myself. I'm just looking for a second chance with her. I have made the wrong decisions in the past and I just want to redeem myself in these last few months of the year. Our relationship is beyond ps3. We always engage in cam/text/voice calls. This relationship has felt so real and meaningful to me. I have met her parents, her sisters and she has met mine. Not physically. It's just the fear of not being able to feel what it's like to be wanted and loved again. Yes, I have a low self esteem. But when I was with her, she made me feel so good about myself. Something I can't let go.
Recommended Posts