starla33 Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 So all of my guy friends are against this and say I will lose a ton of guys this way as most girls where I live are pretty loose, but to hell with that. Anyway I have decided I get attached after I sleep with someone, therefore I'm not sleeping with someone till we are exclusive (or I know them better and know they are not sleeping with others...same thing really). This will probably take up to 2 months or so depending on how much you see the person. I'm guessing most guys will not wait around after the 3-4 dates when they don't get any. 1
Mint Sauce Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 I'm guessing most guys will not wait around after the 3-4 dates when they don't get any. But the good ones will!
brahmabull117 Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 You can be exclusive after 3 or 4 dates though, can't you?
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 I always do this and they usually stick around beyond 3-4 dates
SmileFace Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Why isn't this based on people's actions and less of a time frame? I don't get it.
Radu Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 You have to keep in mind that generally ppl feel more loyalty to their gender than to your friendship with them in the case of straight male-female platonic relationships. I think you will lose a ton of guys, but i'm not sure those are good guys. I would probably agree to this, but it would not make me take out the sexual innuendo or makeout from our interactions. I would still try to have a sexual undertone to our date, but i would respect your decision on intercourse [and probably ask that you get STD tested before we got in bed]. It could potentially make the 1st time better, because i would get to learn where you like to be touched better.
Author starla33 Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 Why isn't this based on people's actions and less of a time frame? I don't get it. Did you read the whole thing? I said it depends on how often you are seeing the person.
fortyninethousand322 Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 2 months is a little early to me. But I'm probably in the minority on this.
runner Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 the right guy for you will be patient, and the rest will fade for sure. but also be aware that there are smoothe talkers out there that will gladly wait whilst he's out getting it with some other girls in the meanwhile, so it's still not a sure gaurantee. but then even the best players among players drop the ball. watch for consistency in thoughts, talk and action. good luck. 2
utterer of lies Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 I'm not sleeping with someone till we are exclusive This will probably take up to 2 months or so depending on how much you see the person. I'm guessing most guys will not wait around after the 3-4 dates when they don't get any. The ones who will wait will be too boring for you, too easy to control. Despite that, I wish you good luck!
Imajerk17 Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 (edited) May I be blunt? I think your intention to wait is actually a good one. However, I get the impression that you are looking for an extremely dominant male. An extremely dominant male who will wait around for sex and who will put in the effort to call you instead of only text, is quite the tall order, unless you happen to be spectacular yourself. I'm not trying to insult you, I'm saying that it's a very very rare guy who is both really dominant AND who will wait on sex. A woman who is amazing herself actually can make an honest man out of such an alpha male, but otherwise.... If you really want a relationship, have you thought about modifying your selection criteria? Edited September 2, 2012 by Imajerk17
Andy_K Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 I think it's a great idea. But, do make it clear that this is how you do things up front, otherwise a guy is going to wonder why things aren't going further when you're both clearly into each other
MrCastle Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Ok, let me chime in here. I consider myself a good guy. I'm confident, easy going, very respectful and understanding, caring, strong convictions and code of ethics, never cheated in my lifetime and would never cheat under any circumstances. All that said, I would leave you if I didn't get sex. Both genders use sex as a weapon and it's a risky play. Some bad men will leave you as soon as they bang you, some women withhold sex as a power play and to get what they want. Sex should be a fun, intimate experience with someone you're attracted to. You don't have to love them to **** them. If you like them physically, have at it. This plan of yours will definitely weed out some players, but not all. Are you familiar with plate spinning? It's a term pick up artists use to describe seeing multiple women. If you tell a player no sex until you're exclusive, he'll agree, and just keep you to the side and wait you out while he goes out and sleeps with other women. That's how it works. Also, there are some good men (like myself) who are tired of being held responsible for the mistakes of past men. Why should I wait for it because the guys before me banged you and left you? That's not my problem. There should be no carry over from one relationship to the next. I refuse to pay for someone else's mistakes. Your plan is a risky one that, while it will eliminate some players, it won't get rid of all, and you run the risk of losing quality men. Good luck. 2
LeoNguyen Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 (edited) starla33, making a man wait till he becomes exclusive is the BEST thing a woman can do to make sure she picks the right guy. I talk to a lot of women on a regular basis (I'm a dating/realtionship coach), and one of the most common questions they have is when to have sex with a man. You can still have a lot of fun doing other things (kissing, touching etc...) Make sure you don't completely reject him when the topic comes up (ie. I will NOT have sex with you until you're my boyfriend!) Just say, "I'm an old-fashion girl. I only sleep with a guy I'm in a committed relationship with. But I do like you and we can have lots of fun doing other things too!" If he can't even respect you and gets upset, wrong guy. If he likes you enough, he'll either ask you out then and there or go home and think it over first before asking you out. If he's not ready but he still likes you, then he can still date you at your pace. Edited September 2, 2012 by LeoNguyen 1
RedRobin Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 The player boogey man is grossly overrated and also ridiculously easy to see through. Guys who arent looking for a serious relationship...honest or not...love pitching this argument. That since it is 'impossible' to distinguish a real player... you might as well sleep with every man you are attracted to... Basically.. they pitch learned helplessness when it comes to women making reasoned judgements about who they sleep with... Not surprisingly... to their benefit and not hers.. My only thought is.. if he is so wonderful...then what is the rush?? Afraid i will find something that will make me not want to sleep with him? 1
joystickd Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Ok, let me chime in here. I consider myself a good guy. I'm confident, easy going, very respectful and understanding, caring, strong convictions and code of ethics, never cheated in my lifetime and would never cheat under any circumstances. All that said, I would leave you if I didn't get sex. Both genders use sex as a weapon and it's a risky play. Some bad men will leave you as soon as they bang you, some women withhold sex as a power play and to get what they want. Sex should be a fun, intimate experience with someone you're attracted to. You don't have to love them to **** them. If you like them physically, have at it. This plan of yours will definitely weed out some players, but not all. Are you familiar with plate spinning? It's a term pick up artists use to describe seeing multiple women. If you tell a player no sex until you're exclusive, he'll agree, and just keep you to the side and wait you out while he goes out and sleeps with other women. That's how it works. Also, there are some good men (like myself) who are tired of being held responsible for the mistakes of past men. Why should I wait for it because the guys before me banged you and left you? That's not my problem. There should be no carry over from one relationship to the next. I refuse to pay for someone else's mistakes. Your plan is a risky one that, while it will eliminate some players, it won't get rid of all, and you run the risk of losing quality men. Good luck. Its kind of what real true to the game players call playing the role. A man that is not thirsty can wait for a drink lol
MrCastle Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 (edited) The player boogey man is grossly overrated and also ridiculously easy to see through. Guys who arent looking for a serious relationship...honest or not...love pitching this argument. That since it is 'impossible' to distinguish a real player... you might as well sleep with every man you are attracted to... Basically.. they pitch learned helplessness when it comes to women making reasoned judgements about who they sleep with... Not surprisingly... to their benefit and not hers.. My only thought is.. if he is so wonderful...then what is the rush?? Afraid i will find something that will make me not want to sleep with him? Wrong. This is what happens a majority of the time: -a girl (usually with a poor judge of character who overlooks nice guys and can't see the writing on the wall when to comes to players) dates a player -girl ends up getting hurt -repeat the first two points several times until: -girl gets tired of being played and tries to come up with a way to prevent geting burned -now puts a new plan in place that punishes future men because of what previous men did to her. Take away the smoke and mirrors, this is a game. I want an exclusive relationship. I'm struggling to find one. How can I get a guy to commit? Oh I know, I'll only have sex with the guy once he agrees to commit to me and me only. What if the guy doesn't really want to commit, but really wants to have sex? Now he's agreeing to an exclusive relationship with a girl he's not 100% into just so he can get laid. Then he gets laid and the veil is removed--he realizes he doesn't want to be exclusive with her, and dumps her shortly after the sex. How did the no sex filter help in that situation? Game playing to me is a sign of immaturity and insecurity. If you're a good judge of character, there are signs all over that tell you whether a person is good or not. Silly rules do not need to be put in place. And if you do end up getting hurt, blame that individual person. Don't use the experience to punish the next partner. Like I always say. Sex is not a weapon. Both genders are guilty of using it as such. It should be a fun intimate experience. Edited September 2, 2012 by MrCastle 1
RedRobin Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 (edited) Mr. Castle et. al, Sex is not and never has been a weapon to me. It is the 'players' who view sex as a weapon... not me.... or people like me. To me, sex is an expression of intimacy and genuine care for someone. It has nothing to do with punishing anyone. Just the opposite. If there is no intimacy, I see no reason to have sex with them. Parts is parts. Without intimacy, that is all the guy is or would be to me. I get it that 'players' try to create a sense of pseudo intimacy... but I know the difference because I've had REAL intimacy... not the fake stuff. You don't have real intimacy with someone you've only known a matter of hours... or 3 dates.... or whatever. Anyway... I've never been 'pumped and dumped' as you say... so sorry about your theories. If I just need to get off, there are safer ways to do it than have sex with a near stranger... Plus, I can find strangers hotter than the average guy to just 'bang' if that were all I'm looking for... Seriously... I have way better things to do with my time than waste it on guys who need to have sex with strangers to validate their self-worth... and call it 'intimacy'. Edited September 3, 2012 by RedRobin
Author starla33 Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 I'm not trying to play games or force someone to commit, I'm just trying to weed out the guys that do not want a relationship. I don't see what it so wrong with this. I get instantly attached after sex and I don't want to get attached to someone I don't know well enough. 1
RedRobin Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Starla, I think that what you'll find when you go at a slower pace is that many of these men aren't ones you'd want a relationship with either. There is no 'carrot' dangling... It's not like just because the guy is offering exclusivity that you'll automatically say "OK" and have sex with them. The only valid reason I see for people holding off on sex is so that you both have a chance to get to know each other... and develop real intimacy. Not the fake, feel good stuff. That's how you avoid the 'players' who will try to wait you out too... You will know the difference between real intimacy and fake intimacy. Sure, there are dyed in the wool psychopaths out there... but those are very, very few... and they have other tells in other areas of their life to make even those easy to spot. TBH, that is my impression of the real 'players'. More or less a kind of sociopath or psychopath who cruelly uses other people. Psychopathy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia 2
joystickd Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Starla, I think that what you'll find when you go at a slower pace is that many of these men aren't ones you'd want a relationship with either. There is no 'carrot' dangling... It's not like just because the guy is offering exclusivity that you'll automatically say "OK" and have sex with them. The only valid reason I see for people holding off on sex is so that you both have a chance to get to know each other... and develop real intimacy. Not the fake, feel good stuff. That's how you avoid the 'players' who will try to wait you out too... You will know the difference between real intimacy and fake intimacy. Sure, there are dyed in the wool psychopaths out there... but those are very, very few... and they have other tells in other areas of their life to make even those easy to spot. TBH, that is my impression of the real 'players'. More or less a kind of sociopath or psychopath who cruelly uses other people. Psychopathy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia There are women with those type of tendencies too.
joystickd Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Mr. Castle et. al, Sex is not and never has been a weapon to me. It is the 'players' who view sex as a weapon... not me.... or people like me. To me, sex is an expression of intimacy and genuine care for someone. It has nothing to do with punishing anyone. Just the opposite. If there is no intimacy, I see no reason to have sex with them. Parts is parts. Without intimacy, that is all the guy is or would be to me. I get it that 'players' try to create a sense of pseudo intimacy... but I know the difference because I've had REAL intimacy... not the fake stuff. You don't have real intimacy with someone you've only known a matter of hours... or 3 dates.... or whatever. Anyway... I've never been 'pumped and dumped' as you say... so sorry about your theories. If I just need to get off, there are safer ways to do it than have sex with a near stranger... Plus, I can find strangers hotter than the average guy to just 'bang' if that were all I'm looking for... Seriously... I have way better things to do with my time than waste it on guys who need to have sex with strangers to validate their self-worth... and call it 'intimacy'. A stranger trigger them emotions right and the panties fall. Its easy to get on here and talk the I can see a player a mile away game, but its different to walk it and actually know. 1
joystickd Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 I'm not trying to play games or force someone to commit, I'm just trying to weed out the guys that do not want a relationship. I don't see what it so wrong with this. I get instantly attached after sex and I don't want to get attached to someone I don't know well enough. Most women get attracted after good sex hence the reason some men push for it so early and also you have your own gender to blame because there are women that just give it up and to a guy if that happens enough times its assumed that is what all of them do.
RedRobin Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 There are women with those type of tendencies too. ... note my use of the word 'people'...
joystickd Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 ... note my use of the word 'people'... You mentioned players. Nobody is dumb you are on the usual man tirade
Recommended Posts