Thoughts that run through my head..

[Gaprofitt]

As mentioned a million times, 8 year marriage, 11 month old son, wife left July 1st. We had trouble getting pregnant for years so it was beyond exciting when we finally got the news. I remember finding out I was going to be a Dad and then I was having a son, I thought wow, golf, teaching him how to read, play and all the stuff you think. I remember just smiling like crazy for days at work. We had to do an IUI to get pregnant at the specialist. I remember going to all her dr appointments, ultrasounds and being very supportive as I should have been. I love her and my son more than anything despite how brutal she has been during our separation/pending divorce.

 

I've been really upset today wondering if she planned all along to get pregnant with me even unhappy as finding a new willing partner would likely take awhile as she is almost 33 years old with no child. I hate to think I was more than a sperm donor as she was planning to ditch me when the time came. She has alluded a lot to talking about not being happy for a long time, blah blah. Why would any woman have a child in a marriage she is totally unhappy with, especially costly IUI and fertility treatments and then dump me for my son to have a co-parenting potentially bad relationship. My wife hasn't been on the up and up with co-parenting and sharing my son, she has denied visitation and been totally cruel about it.

 

I really hate to think she may have done this but the nature of the breakup/pending divorce and her harshness just has me wondering if

she planned it all this way.. That hurts like hell if she did. I'm scared to death she might have done this to me. It's unbearable. Does any dad deserve that? I love my son more than anything.

 

Greg

Edited September 2, 2012 by Gaprofitt

[ace5950]

Stop thinking about things like this! I've noticed from your posts you keep making the situation more difficult for yourself. Even if she did it on purpose there is nothing you can for about it now. Also think about how much you love your son. You really need to focus on you! By continuing to play these mind games you're only letting your wife win. I know its hard, my ex left after 12 years with little explanation and I was crushed. you need to let your wife go through whatever she's going through. I spent months if crazy thinking about my ex and trying to figure out what happened. I finally had to let it go as it was effecting my job and my other relationships. Now 5 months later he is ready to talk answer possibly work things out. Let go of her, she needs to come back on her own if you ew want a future with her.

[BewitchedandBothered]

As mentioned a million times, 8 year marriage, 11 month old son, wife left July 1st. We had trouble getting pregnant for years so it was beyond exciting when we finally got the news. I remember finding out I was going to be a Dad and then I was having a son, I thought wow, golf, teaching him how to read, play and all the stuff you think. I remember just smiling like crazy for days at work. We had to do an IUI to get pregnant at the specialist. I remember going to all her dr appointments, ultrasounds and being very supportive as I should have been. I love her and my son more than anything despite how brutal she has been during our separation/pending divorce.

 

I've been really upset today wondering if she planned all along to get pregnant with me even unhappy as finding a new willing partner would likely take awhile as she is almost 33 years old with no child. I hate to think I was more than a sperm donor as she was planning to ditch me when the time came. She has alluded a lot to talking about not being happy for a long time, blah blah. Why would any woman have a child in a marriage she is totally unhappy with, especially costly IUI and fertility treatments and then dump me for my son to have a co-parenting potentially bad relationship. My wife hasn't been on the up and up with co-parenting and sharing my son, she has denied visitation and been totally cruel about it.

 

I really hate to think she may have done this but the nature of the breakup/pending divorce and her harshness just has me wondering if

she planned it all this way.. That hurts like hell if she did. I'm scared to death she might have done this to me. It's unbearable. Does any dad deserve that? I love my son more than anything.

 

Greg

Hi, Greg; not sure if I read this correctly, but are you saying you still tried conceiving knowing something was amiss in the marriage?

[Gaprofitt]

Hi, Greg; not sure if I read this correctly, but are you saying you still tried conceiving knowing something was amiss in the marriage?

 

I didn't think the problems were as serious as she alluded to as she has been unhappy for years apparently. She never said she would divorce me or anything remotely. I was just thinking she might have planned to use me for a child and then leave the following year. I don't know I might be wrong but with how she is being i'm questioning everything and need to stop.. I honestly didn't wake up to our problems until she left, I know that sounds crazy but it's like I didn't even see the issues now they are clear as day, the bummer is I think they are very fixable and she doesn't.

 

Greg

[Gaprofitt]

Stop thinking about things like this! I've noticed from your posts you keep making the situation more difficult for yourself. Even if she did it on purpose there is nothing you can for about it now. Also think about how much you love your son. You really need to focus on you! By continuing to play these mind games you're only letting your wife win. I know its hard, my ex left after 12 years with little explanation and I was crushed. you need to let your wife go through whatever she's going through. I spent months if crazy thinking about my ex and trying to figure out what happened. I finally had to let it go as it was effecting my job and my other relationships. Now 5 months later he is ready to talk answer possibly work things out. Let go of her, she needs to come back on her own if you ew want a future with her.

 

You are spot on. I worked two days in July, I spent many nights vomiting in bed. I still only sleep 4-5 hours a night still and I haven't been able to watch TV. Anyone else experience this, it's like I can't concentrate or focus on the plot of the show or get into it. I can watch sports but find it hard to focus on anything with a storyline. I went to a party last night, I forced myself too and I had a blast playing guitar in a cover band and meeting new people. I was able to get my mind off things for the first time in quite a long time. I'm not going to lie I still think about her and my son constantly and how she is treating me. It should make it easier as she's been horribly mean but it's just all that much harder to understand. When you love your son as much as I do and you are a great dad and you find out your wife is trying to block all visitation to your son it's just the worst feeling ever. That is just torture and brutal.

 

Greg

[toffeecream77]

Why has she been so unhappy? Has she said?

And why is she trying to prevent you from seeing your son?

[Gaprofitt]

Why has she been so unhappy? Has she said?

And why is she trying to prevent you from seeing your son?

 

It's a really long story but in summary she looked at our relationship differently with our son, she realized it wasn't healthy and she didn't want our son growing up in that environment/our bad relationship. I don't either. I am a go getter, driven leader type of personality, high-strung and passionate. She is laid back, non-motivated and forgetful. I'm not bashing her, she's extremely loving, caring and supportive. We would get into arguments over me getting mad about her forgetting to pay bills, not buying any groceries or completing important tasks she would commit to doing and tell me she would do and never do. I found myself not being able to depend on her. I would say hurtful things in anger to her I truly didn't mean but that would hurt her greatly, looking back I had a lot of resentment and anger about her not being there when I needed her, especially when I was working two jobs, she wouldn't communicate her feelings much at all. I've been in counseling since she left with two counselors to better understand and better myself. I realized I had been emotionally abusive by saying hurtful things and when she left I had thrown my laptop down as I was beyond mad about her not coming through with something important she said she would do. I've been truly devoted to understanding my bad behavior and fixing it.

 

I seriously realized when she left I had some issues as does she. I realized I had a lot of resentment and anger which had impacted our marriage. I needed to work on a lot of stuff. I've been doing all of this in counseling and I've read a lot of books to improve myself. I was really honest and open with her about it all, I had been a controlling partner also. I've learned how healthy and needed independence is in a marriage/relationship. I have really committed to becoming a better person for my family with our without my wife. I'm likely continue counseling for a long long time.

 

I don't fault her for leaving, I fault her for not trying when I obviously am committed to working on myself and our marriage, we need counseling badly but I think she is emotionally gone now or at least now. She doesn't want to communicate at all, even let me talk about our son or the looming divorce she filed on June 28th.

 

Ever since she left she has been brutally mean, she has denied visitation once and threatnened again to my sister-in-law when she was here to get her belongings because I locked our son's nursery door. My wife had took all his clothes and 99% of his belongings. I wanted to have something of his, at least a wash cloth or a few things. She took a quilt my mom made for him that was hanging on the wall for him when she left. I had to buy a new stroller, crib, changing table and sheets for his bed. I now have court ordered every other weekend visitation. She put a note once in his diaper bag that she wanted the clothes he is wearing back, three bottles with caps, one spoon, two bibs, basically a list of what she supplied. My wife was a stay at home mom, I paid for all these items. She has just been horribly mean about our son. I ask to see him today via email as i'm off work, she didn't even respond. I paid for about $100 worth of dr. seuss birthday party stuff, she cancelled the party as there would be too much drama. The fact is it's her issues that we can't have the party. Now she's likely using all his stuff for the party with just her family I paid for. I even bought two dr. suess bibs recently at babies r us and gave them to her for the party, she will not even share his clothes, bibs or bottles with me and wants everything back. She told me to buy sippy cups instead of just giving me one or sharing. It's just crazy.

 

I mean watch my son in this video, he loves me so much, it just hurts so bad. I mean I can understand ending our relationship if she doesn't want to try, but keeping my son away has been torture.

 

Edited September 3, 2012 by Gaprofitt

[hinatticus]

Man, I feel for you gap.

 

Our situations are very similar and I can relate. The main two differences are that I see my son the majority of the time and I see me ex several times a week. She has been cold, distant, but not crazy mean like your wife. I too have been guilty of the things you did in the relationship. It totally sucks finding out how wrong our behavior was after they leave. My eyes have been opened. Or as my counselor says, I've awakened.

 

It's been just over 6 months for me and I can tell you, you have a very long road ahead of you. I sometimes wish I could have no contact like you have. Since I see my ex so much it's hard for her to see any changes I've made. She views me as the old me. Which is expected. I have no clue what to do.

 

I wondered the same thing you did about my ex just wanting a child. She told me she feared me during the relationship. Why did she want a child with me then? She says its because she saw a life with me. Contradictions I say. So confusing.

 

All I can say is I'm sure your wife wanted a child with you but the emotional damage was just too much for her in the end. My counselor says it can easily take 2 years for the abused to let go of the resentment. Depending on how badly she was emotionally abused.

 

Im in a program for domestic abuse so I hear it from her perspective. It's harsh to know the damage I've caused her. Are you in a similar program or are you seeing a regular counselor. If you're not in a program specializing in domestic abuse, I recommend it. It will open your eyes to what your wife may have experienced and how to deal with her accordingly.

 

I feel for you gap, not seeing my son for three days is torture. I can't imagine your pain.

 

One piece of advice I have is STOP thinking about why your ex does anything. The more negative stories your mind comes up with the worse you will feel.

 

Hang in there man. Your son truly loves you. When he grows up he'll see the decent man you've become.

[salmagundi]

Personally, I think the fact that you have a son makes you blessed. Me and my ex almost had a child but then she got an abortion instead, citing difficulties in our relationship. Nothing about our breakup hurts more than thinking about a child I almost had...

 

Then I think about child support and having to spend the next 18 years of my life stuck in my exes life and I feel a little better...

[GLDheart]

One piece of advice I have is STOP thinking about why your ex does anything..

 

This is the key. She is the past. It really isn't what you wanted but, it's time to look forward to the future.