ex-gf contacts me after 7 months of NC

[hrtbroken]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/327054-6-months-1-step-forward-10-steps-back

 

That's my original post and I'll do a little update for you guys since then...

 

I made a decision not to go to therapy. I was talking to one of my friends and he said that I was just going through an emotional roller coaster and that I should just give it more time before I make that decision to seek professional help. Turned out he was right and I've been doing better ever since.

 

In that thread, I also posted about 500 days of summer and that whole "and on May 23, a Wednesday..." and that was the day he met Autumn. Well, on May 23 which was a Wednesday, I got a call from my current landlady and that was when she notified me that she wanted to rent me one of her spots on the beach. I feel that this was a huge turning point for me. People tell me I look great and that I seem a lot more calmer now.

 

Since then, I've been doing a lot better. I've been going to the beach as much as I can and I go to the gym almost everyday. If I had to take a guess, I'm probably at about 98% happiness. However, I still do think about her more than I think I should, but definitely less than I did before.

 

I have started dating again and I think this is what made my ex contact me after so long. I am almost certain that one of my co-workers told her that I was dating again and the very next day (6 days ago), I get a text from her...

 

 

ex - hey, i know it's been awhile since we've talked, but can you text me back please? i need to talk to you.

 

(1 hour 30 minutes later...)

 

ex - ugh!!! can you stop ignoring me?! *my name!!!* stop playing and act like a grown up and just respond, i promise i'll let you be after this...

 

 

A couple of days later, my co-worker's gf who works with her convinces him to talk to me to try to persuade me to talk to her. I told him that when it comes to her, I just want her to be happy and that if she really wanted to talk to me, she would've done it already. I haven't contacted her back...

 

So now, I'm not going to lie...I'm a little confused. I've read that you should only respond to an ex during NC if she's at your door crying and begging for you back. Otherwise, it's just breadcrumbs.

 

I'm not sure though. She's very prideful and I feel for her to go to these lengths just to get me to talk to her is as much as I'm going to get from her.

 

I'm not saying I want her back, but I'm not saying I don't either. She's my first everything and I can't trust myself with anything that has to do with her, not yet anyways.

 

I need help guys...

[Chips24]

Hey hrt,

 

Firstly, I am VERY impressed with you! NC is tough. You are showing huge strength. Be very happy with yourself.

 

All I can say is... My ex bf contacted me 3.5 month after NC, I was tough too. I said yes, he didn't beat down my door begging for me to take him back, he simply asked to go for coffee. He was kind and sweet and flirty, there is without a doubt chemistry between us still. We simply said our goodbyes and left... No I miss you or let's see each other again.

 

A week went by and I heard nothing, until a Sunday night I received an email - just a random email about nothing in particular. It has now been another 2 weeks and I've heard nothing.

 

For me this has been the toughest thing- why did he want to see me? I, like you thought maybe this is as much I'll get from him so I should put in some effort too. But you know what? I'm making excuses for him again, he was the one who f'd up- I deserve nothing less than him trying his best to get me back.

 

My advise would to sure you can text her back but don't go and see her unless you know why she wants to see you. If I were too rewind I would have asked him why he wants to catch up for coffee... If it were just to "catch up" I would have declined.

 

I'm honestly finding it tougher this time round

[hrtbroken]

Hey hrt,

 

Firstly, I am VERY impressed with you! NC is tough. You are showing huge strength. Be very happy with yourself.

 

All I can say is... My ex bf contacted me 3.5 month after NC, I was tough too. I said yes, he didn't beat down my door begging for me to take him back, he simply asked to go for coffee. He was kind and sweet and flirty, there is without a doubt chemistry between us still. We simply said our goodbyes and left... No I miss you or let's see each other again.

 

A week went by and I heard nothing, until a Sunday night I received an email - just a random email about nothing in particular. It has now been another 2 weeks and I've heard nothing.

 

For me this has been the toughest thing- why did he want to see me? I, like you thought maybe this is as much I'll get from him so I should put in some effort too. But you know what? I'm making excuses for him again, he was the one who f'd up- I deserve nothing less than him trying his best to get me back.

 

My advise would to sure you can text her back but don't go and see her unless you know why she wants to see you. If I were too rewind I would have asked him why he wants to catch up for coffee... If it were just to "catch up" I would have declined.

 

I'm honestly finding it tougher this time round

 

Hey chips, thanks for the response.

 

I totally agree with you when it comes to me making excuses for her. After all, a couple of texts is less than what I deserve after what I've been through. I need to see more from her. I need her to be so afflicted that she has to see me no matter what. Then, I'll know her feelings are genuine. Even though I feel the ball is in my court now, I still need her to make that extra move.

 

Also, I agree with you on the point that if all she wants to do is catch up, I won't see or talk to her. I have no intentions of being her friend and I told her that when we broke up.

 

So, I'm definitely leaning towards not contacting her still. If I don't contact her, I'm still in the same position as I was before, but if I do contact her, I feel like I'm vulnerable when I don't have to be.

 

I just don't want or need any more set backs. I feel like I've come a long way from where I was before and I don't think I'm ready to sacrifice that progress just yet for more heartache.

[Joaquin]

She says " ugh!!! can you stop ignoring me?! *my name!!!* stop playing and act like a grown up and just respond, i promise i'll let you be after this..."

 

This is not a girl who cares a whole lot about you. It's a very me me me kind of text.

 

Even her tone shows she is totally dismissive of your needs.

 

She is the one that has a heck of a lot of growing up to do.

 

I wouldn't respond. You ain't getting anything thats good from this girl anytime soon.

Edited September 2, 2012 by Joaquin

[Am313]

Tread very carefully......

 

My ex dumped me and I went NC right away. In a short time she would end up blowing my phone up for weeks with calls texts and emails, all of which ignored by me. She went nuts. I starved her of attention. She came to my house and said we belonged together and wanted to work things out. Promised me that could trust her and we will get through everything.

 

Within a couple days she went spacey and distant again, break up, and the cycle began. She loves me, needs me, blah blah blah, all the while she's talking to other guys while she was trying to "work things out".

 

Now she's probably seeing one of them, and screwing them, while texting me.....

 

She doesn't want you, she wants your attention. Sad fact of life, but most women are that way after finding out the man they dumped is moving on.

[hrtbroken]

She says " ugh!!! can you stop ignoring me?! *my name!!!* stop playing and act like a grown up and just respond, i promise i'll let you be after this..."

 

This is not a girl who cares a whole lot about you. It's a very me me me kind of text.

 

Even her tone shows she is totally dismissive of your needs.

 

She is the one that has a heck of a lot of growing up to do.

 

I wouldn't respond. You ain't getting anything thats good from this girl anytime soon.

 

When I first read her text, I laughed out loud. I guess I can just hear her voice when I'm reading it. I think her tone is more of a playful/fustrated kind. I'm trying not to make excuses for her, but I think I'm right on this one.

 

I do see your point about it being all about her though. She really didn't provide anything concrete about what she wanted to talk about or what her intentions are for contacting me. The text does seem to be more about her and not about us.

[hrtbroken]

Tread very carefully......

 

My ex dumped me and I went NC right away. In a short time she would end up blowing my phone up for weeks with calls texts and emails, all of which ignored by me. She went nuts. I starved her of attention. She came to my house and said we belonged together and wanted to work things out. Promised me that could trust her and we will get through everything.

 

Within a couple days she went spacey and distant again, break up, and the cycle began. She loves me, needs me, blah blah blah, all the while she's talking to other guys while she was trying to "work things out".

 

Now she's probably seeing one of them, and screwing them, while texting me.....

 

She doesn't want you, she wants your attention. Sad fact of life, but most women are that way after finding out the man they dumped is moving on.

 

Your situation is exactly what I'm afraid of. I love hard and if I put my balls out there to be crushed again, I don't know what will happen.

 

I think there is a correlation between the timing of when I mentioned I was dating again to my coworker and when she texted me which was the very next day.

 

My heart is saying, "You can trust her, she's different from these other girls. She's starting to remember how good you were to her." My head is saying, "Whoa buddy! We just barely made it out alive and you want to go back into the danger zone. You need to take a step back and relax for awhile."

 

I think if I took another week to think about this, I'd probably be in the same spot.

[ItsAllOver]

All I can say is... My ex bf contacted me 3.5 month after NC, I was tough too. I said yes, he didn't beat down my door begging for me to take him back, he simply asked to go for coffee. He was kind and sweet and flirty, there is without a doubt chemistry between us still. We simply said our goodbyes and left... No I miss you or let's see each other again.

 

A week went by and I heard nothing, until a Sunday night I received an email - just a random email about nothing in particular. It has now been another 2 weeks and I've heard nothing.

 

For me this has been the toughest thing- why did he want to see me? I, like you thought maybe this is as much I'll get from him so I should put in some effort too. But you know what? I'm making excuses for him again, he was the one who f'd up- I deserve nothing less than him trying his best to get me back.

 

A BIG question here is who broke up with who. If he broke up with you, then YES, he owes you more in terms of trying to get back together with you. On the other hand, if you broke up with him, then he's doing exactly what a guy is told to do after being dumped - not begging, pleading, saying he missed you, or coming across as hurt or needy. When we guys are dumped, we're actually told that the best course of action is to slowly build things up with our ex, and NEVER bring up the previous relationship, being hurt by it, wanting to get back, etc. If you would like to get back with him, you truly DO need to make more of an effort to show him that this is what you want - even if he was the one who made the majority (or all) of the mistakes when the two of you were together. If you dumped him, he's probably thinking that you're over him.

Edited September 2, 2012 by ItsAllOver

[EgoJoe]

Her follow up text after an hour and a half is a red flag. Stay the course of NC.

[hrtbroken]

Her follow up text after an hour and a half is a red flag. Stay the course of NC.

 

I just want to say thanks for all of your replies guys. I think I'm going to do the opposite of what most advice seekers do and actually take the advice!

 

With your help and after a week of thinking through this, she really hasn't given me anything substantial and to be honest, it's been 9 months since we've broken up...I shouldn't be acting like this!

 

I'm sticking with NC. I'll update you guys if anything else should happen. Thanks again!

[Hddforyou]

I just want to say thanks for all of your replies guys. I think I'm going to do the opposite of what most advice seekers do and actually take the advice!

 

With your help and after a week of thinking through this, she really hasn't given me anything substantial and to be honest, it's been 9 months since we've broken up...I shouldn't be acting like this!

 

I'm sticking with NC. I'll update you guys if anything else should happen. Thanks again!

 

 

Yeah bro, My ex flipped out on one of my relatives because she thought I was with another girl... LOL

 

Cake and eat it too syndrome...

[Am313]

Yes, take the advice. I wish I did. Since I last posted on your thread she lured me again and finally dropped the hammer. She said we belong together, soulmates, we can make it work again and we need to talk about it. I tell her ok and let's talk about tomorrow night. Well, I get an email her basically saying leave me alone. I try to maintain and go out that night and ten she shows up with another guy, knowing full well I was there.

 

NC bro. Don't end up like me. I can barely eat, can't sleep and I drink heavily now. All because I listened to my heart. You'll know it's right when your heart and head are lined up together.