bluegreen Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Why do man run away from arguments or confrontations ? I talk get upset yell face it and work trough issue always have been always will be even when scared to death of them. He "runs" mulls over problem begs lets leave it for next day honey this drives me completely nuts but its not him I swear every man I ever met does same thing. Am speechless do they expect problems to fix themselves or if they ignore them they will disappear ?
PepperPotts Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 This is the second time tonight I'm going to suggest this to someone. I swear, I don't work for a book company!! Read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I read it when I started my LDR and felt so stupid. We assume that guys communicate and work things out the way that we do, but they don't. We want to talk, they want to retreat into a cave and work things out for themselves. I know my guy has explained it to me before like this: "I don't want to fight about it because I'm afraid I'll say something I don't really mean and will regret later. I'm not getting away from you and I'm not ignoring the problem, I just want time to calm down, think about how I really feel about it, and try to solve it on my own." So they don't ignore them, and they don't let it fix itself-- they calm down, avoid the dramatic reaction, and try to tackle it rationally. It's to protect everyone involved. Embrace it! Next time you get in an argument, tell him you'd like for you both to take a few hours to calm down and then discuss it. Giving him that space will make him appreciate you more. Then actually take the time to calm down! We get so dramatic that we blow things out of proportion and then feel awful later. Calm down, think about why you're mad, see how you could fix it or might have contributed to the problem, and be ready to discuss it as drama free as possible once you meet up. 2
Pyro Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 maybe it is how you are with the arguments. Do you tend to yell, name call, or place all the blame on him? You put this under long distance relationships. Are these arguments communicated over the computer or face to face? Just because all the men you have dealt with acts that way gives no indication that ALL men are that way....because we are not. 3
Author bluegreen Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 Yes I read and liked a book a lot somehow I never "remember" its instructions when I need to and yes am dramatic emotional passionate and loud he is kind of not total but very different from me on that aspect. And yes having an argument over tell or messenger makes everything worse and when he wants to run it hurts c... out of my feelings and makes me feel he is abandoning me and our issue this relationship its his responsibility to. My logical part knows just what you said to be true its not "me" Emotional well that's another story altogether ...
PepperPotts Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Hey, I understand. I have to force myself to calm down and think things through a lot. It's harder in LDR to stay focused on the positives. To try to help yourself: 1. Remember that no matter how awful you feel, you'll feel better if you can calm down. 2. Remember that you have to trust him to not go away. 3. Remember that your communication is *very limited* because of your situation, which means it's harder to interpret what he means and you both have to be much, much more forgiving in how you talk and much, much more clear. 4. As much as you want to have it out right now, taking the space will allow you to clarify what emotions you're actually feeling, and why. Getting loud and emotional only confuses everyone involved. But everything will be alright! Just breathe, and stay focused on your goal! You love each other, so you'll get through it 1
HeavenOrHell Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 How are you approaching problems? If yelling and blaming is involved then most people would want to run away. Sorting out problems doesn't have to involve a lot of anger and shouting, especially if it's talked about before it reaches the stage of feeling resentment. My partner finds it hard to talk about things, most men are brought up to not show/express/talk about feelings, the men I've spoken to about it say it makes them feel vulnerable, as men are 'meant' to be the strong ones. I find it very hard to talk about problems in a r/ship too, so it's not just men who do, I find it hard as I don't want to rock the boat or cause hurt, and sometimes I am scared to hear the truth. I've had to learn to talk about problems and realise that he won't run away if I do, and from me, well I guess if he does he's not the person for me. I'll sometimes write an email to him saying what's on my mind, but I do it in a loving, understanding, non accusing way, and say I'm not going to be angry* with him no matter what his reply is, and it seems to help, and then we talk about it, this seems the best approach for us. *unless he were deliberately hurting me, which is unlikely, even then anger won't help me deal with it, letting him know he'd hurt me would though. You can't push someone to talk about things, but you can gently encourage them to talk in a calm, safe environment. Why do man run away from arguments or confrontations ? I talk get upset yell face it and work trough issue always have been always will be even when scared to death of them. He "runs" mulls over problem begs lets leave it for next day honey this drives me completely nuts but its not him I swear every man I ever met does same thing. Am speechless do they expect problems to fix themselves or if they ignore them they will disappear ? 3
Author bluegreen Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 Its curious that am also finding we talk "better" about issues when we write about them otherwise we jump in let me say it first no let me and since we both are hot tempered and stubborn as mules .... I guess person never stops learning not matter how smart or experienced you are there are things you don't know will have to practice on and sometimes admit you are just not good at but keep trying ....
strongnrelaxed Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I read it when I started my LDR and felt so stupid. ) This is a good book, but I must warn you that it is quite biased in some ways. The language is subtle, but I encourage you to read the book, listen to the advice and balance it with this strongnrelaxed.wordpress.com/2012/08/20/men-are-from-mars-epic-fail/ Yes, this is my blog. Ultimately, modern men are struggling to communicate in a number of ways. With women, the challenge is similar to the challenge of discussing science with a religious person. It just cannot be done. Women and men are acculturated differently in the US (and worldwide, but in different ways I presume). The good men I know are raised to value truth and honesty and justice, among other things. The good women I know are raised to value feelings, care, balance, and communication. This is as it should be I guess. The problem comes when we are discussing an issue with clear parameters. Men and women will butt heads in such situations. And like arguing with a religious person, you cannot have a real conversation. All you can do is listen. They will NEVER understand logic, fairness, reason and justice. It is just not possible. Fortunately, many women these days are being raised differently. Some are being held accountable to the same values and they are in charge of a lot more than ever in history. They will need some time to learn what many men in power already know. We need to try to be as objective as possible (although this is never really possible). Good luck finding this in a relationship.
Losttwo Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Man...is one Men are several And to say ALL means you have met every man on earth? LMAO
soccerrprp Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Why do man run away from arguments or confrontations ? I talk get upset yell face it and work trough issue always have been always will be even when scared to death of them. He "runs" mulls over problem begs lets leave it for next day honey this drives me completely nuts but its not him I swear every man I ever met does same thing. Am speechless do they expect problems to fix themselves or if they ignore them they will disappear ? I am a man and do not run away from arguments or confrontation. I am willing to bet that it is much better that most men do. During the heat of the moment, who knows what will be said or done...
Imported Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 (edited) If I am arguing with another guy and we don't reach a peacful resolution and neither of us backs down....it's probably going to get violent. I am not going to hit a girl, so I have to leave. Edited September 3, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author bluegreen Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 This is a good book, but I must warn you that it is quite biased in some ways. The language is subtle, but I encourage you to read the book, listen to the advice and balance it with this strongnrelaxed.wordpress.com/2012/08/20/men-are-from-mars-epic-fail/ Yes, this is my blog. Ultimately, modern men are struggling to communicate in a number of ways. With women, the challenge is similar to the challenge of discussing science with a religious person. It just cannot be done. Women and men are acculturated differently in the US (and worldwide, but in different ways I presume). The good men I know are raised to value truth and honesty and justice, among other things. The good women I know are raised to value feelings, care, balance, and communication. This is as it should be I guess. The problem comes when we are discussing an issue with clear parameters. Men and women will butt heads in such situations. And like arguing with a religious person, you cannot have a real conversation. All you can do is listen. They will NEVER understand logic, fairness, reason and justice. It is just not possible. Fortunately, many women these days are being raised differently. Some are being held accountable to the same values and they are in charge of a lot more than ever in history. They will need some time to learn what many men in power already know. We need to try to be as objective as possible (although this is never really possible). Good luck finding this in a relationship. Thank You : )) I also see that we really need delete button to and not only alert one
Butterflying Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Those self-help books only serve to give you a little insight; but they don't help your situation BY FAR. In fact they do the opposite. So here you are! You've read the books. You follow all the instructions. Then you apply the techniques to your relationship and guess what!! It doesn't work. You know why? Because he didn't read the same book. Therefore, he's not following the same instructions. Ha! These kinds of books are based on studies of one or a few specific kinds of people. They sell because people are so desperate for answers or some magic cure to their problems. GET A LIFE!! And I mean this with love. Everyone's life and problems are different. We have to focus on our specific issues, not some book that any one of us could write ourselves. As for your guy, you know him better than I do. What kind of man is he? Some people (not just men) avoid conflicts simply becuase they don't like conflicts. Perhaps they have never learned to handle conflicts. So they are afraid. For this kind of person, sometimes things work themselves out. Sometimes they don't. Regardless, this kind person is willing to roll with whatever comes their way. Some people deal with conflicts at a slow pace, maybe breaking the process into peices until eventually the problem is resolved. Maybe they are waiting for the right time. If your man is like this, then just tell him when something is bothering you and ask when is a good time to talk about it. If he never talks about it, and the problem never gets resolved, then you have an even bigger problem!!
Author bluegreen Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 You are right there was even a movie about this follow seven days rule and lead lady was beautiful African American what movie was that for life of me I can't remember but at the end of it she realized "love" follows no rules except its own ones. And if those books writers where so happy why are half of them divorced even John Gray now I did like a book and some things where true like man cave thing but no I would not follow it like sacred thing either. Well as I said before its difference in personalities plus LDR that causes these issues but thankfully even after we feel like throttling each other few hours or days later we forget forgive and keep being in love if not for that one fact we would have never made it so far ...
Butterflying Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 (edited) That's really great you are still in the LDR for a long time. I admire that. It really "eeerks" my nerves when I read about about problem where a person avoids conflicts because I was in an LDR before. I'll give you an example of conflict avoidance I dealt with: He was "seperated" from his wife when we met. They didn't live together. I was certain of this. I asked about the divorce immidiately. He told me papers had been filed and should be final within a few months. We didn't talk about it anymore for a while. Three months later we were happy. I asked about the divorce again. He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't contact me for over a week. No explanation. Just simply avoided me. When he finally called I asked why he had neglected me. He told me he wasn't neglected me, just avoiding conflict. So I didn't want to make him run away again. I just kept quiet about it. Fast forward, two years from the day we met, this man is still not divorced. And you know what else, we never officially broke up. Why? Because he chose to simply avoid conflict by ignoring calls, not calling me, and just disappeared instead of dealing with the issue. It didn't matter that I NEVER got dramatic. If I waited for this man, I'd still be waiting today. People who avoid conflicts annoy the crap out of me!! LOL He could have told me he and his wife are never getting divorced. Or he could have told me the reason it's taking so long. But to not talk about it at all was disrespectful because it made me suspicous. Edited September 3, 2012 by Butterflying
Author bluegreen Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 I know : ))) and what a scum bag and poor his wife Well girl we had our share of hair raising times to believe me and after mucking trough all s... being broken up for half of our time together and trying for second time we came to stable ground now. Of course nothing is for sure ever in any situation either our saving grace is that we really love each other if not for that o man don't even let me start on that one ...
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