me get thru this

[Aargh]

I'm married. Two kids. But I haven't connected with my wife for a long time. We share very little and If it weren't for the kids I suspect - no, I know, we would have separated. My wifes not a bad person she can be insensitive but its more just that we dont share any intereests and have drifted apart -I met a local lady (also married with a daughter) 10 months ago. Over time we fell hard for each other, our already struggling marriages suffered, we talked about leaving our partners but yesterday she said she saw no future for us and ended it. She loves me. I love her, but circumstances mean it can't be so. I know I must look out for my kids first and foremost but I miss her. She was my best friend and I feel empty. I don't know why I'm posting now. I know i need to deal with my marriage issues before i can have anything meaningful with anyone else but i suppose I want to know that somehow it could still work with the lady I have fallen helplessly in love with. Any thoughts anyone..?

[TaraMaiden]

You've answered your own question.

While you're both married, doesn't look like it....

[coolboy113u]

Ask yourself.. If she would have done the same thing, would you be okay? I guess you should talk to your wife and get along with her. You should think about your kinds... extramarital affairs are not good. As you say, your wife is a good person, you should try something that make you guys closer.. I can only assume the situation you're in but I have seen people destroying there family with such issues..

[Aargh]

Thanks all for the advice. Thing is I'm fed up with the wife. If she was to leave me I'd feel relieved. I don't love her anymore so shouldn't I just leave her and allow her tonfind someone that does love/ value her. Or should I go on living a lie for the 'good' of the kids? Aaaaagh!!!!

[coolboy113u]

Or should I go on living a lie for the 'good' of the kids? Aaaaagh!!!!

 

That's a good question, perhaps you will only have a answer for this. I guess you should then talk to the lady and ask her that will she divorce and start fresh with you? And why is there no future? any specific reasons?

[oldshirt]

Thanks all for the advice. Thing is I'm fed up with the wife. If she was to leave me I'd feel relieved. I don't love her anymore so shouldn't I just leave her and allow her tonfind someone that does love/ value her. Or should I go on living a lie for the 'good' of the kids? Aaaaagh!!!!

 

Are the kids in diapers that need 24/7 hands-on care for their basic survival needs or are they old enough to feed themselves, dress themselves, go to the bathroom themselves and climb into the car and fasten their seatbelts by themselves?

 

If they need 2 parents to care of their basic survival needs then it would be in their best interests to suck it up and stick it out a few more years.

 

If on the otherhand they are able to take care of their own survival needs and you and your wife are each able to put roofs over everyone's heads and food on the tables and get them to school and to soccer practice every day then divorce can be a legitimate discussion.

 

If your marriage is as bad as lackluster as you present then your wife is probably equally disenchanted and dissatisfied and will likely be approachable about the prospects of either maritial therapy so that you both may find some middle ground with which to improve the marriage so that you both can be happier and more fulfilled or you both can mutually agree to go your separate ways and maintain an amicable, productive co-parenting operation from two separate households.

 

From your description it doesn't sound like she is a bad person or abusive/addicted/neglectfull etc. It just sounds like all the love and passion and intimacy has left the marriage. She is probably equally dissatisfied and probably has her own "friend" (or friends) on the side as well.

 

My suggestion is to meet with a maritial therapist by yourself first so that you can get your thoughts and objectives in order and the therapist can help you in approaching and discussing this with your wife in an appropriate and productive mannner.

 

Then set up a meeting between you two and the therapist and have the therapist present to keep the peace when you bring it up with her. She will then realize how serious you are and what the stakes really are and she can make an informed decision on whether to try to fix the marraige vs an amicable and nondestructive divorce.

[oldshirt]

Why do you need someone waiting out there for you if you leave your wife? You sound a like a child whose incapable of putting on his big boy pants and living on his OWN. You don't need your affair partner to be waiting for you to blow your nose and zipper your pants for you.

 

Man up and get the hell out. It's pathetic that you're whining, "I wish my wife would leave me." Yeah, so you don't look like the bad guy.

 

Own your sh*t and get out.

 

"leave but don't cheat" is pretty much a moralist, high-ground concept that people try to promote, but it rarely occurs that way.

 

In cases of abusive, addiction, adultry etc people may flee a marraige without any real back-up plan because it's so dysfunction and painfull if not actually downright dangerous in the home.

 

But in cases where there isn't any abuse, addiction etc and people are just disengaging and falling out of love and going on about their own separate lives, in almost every instance people find their "Plan B" or a somewhat doable back-up plan before they leave.

 

some may wait untill they are in a full-blown relationship before they leave while others may wait untill they have their ducks in a row enough to know that they will at least have an eligable dating pool before they bail.

 

It may be a bit distastefull to others but it is just human nature and is a fact of life.

 

If your spouse hasn't really spoken to you or had any connection with you for a long time and now he/she starts working out, buying new wardrobe, changing their grooming and styling habits and starts engaging in new activities and creating a new social circle....that is a pretty big and bright red flag waving in the wind that they are putting themselves back on the market......

 

......without you:(

[Spark1111]

Look, if your marriage was and is as you say it is, your affair with the OW showed you that.

 

So, divorce and find the relationship you think you deserve.

 

That is 3 out of 100 affairs and is called an exit affair, as in, the marriage is so far over that a relationship with another shows you what "normal" could be.

 

The other 97% are a symptom, not the cause, of what ails you.

 

That could be anything from your spouse, your marriage, your lack of identifying your needs and clear communication of them to your spouse. It could also be something lacking within you, OR family of origin issues that cause you to avoid conflict and/or have poor self-esteem and blame or project that onto others.

 

That is a lot of stuff to wade through!

 

Cannot say if your MAP will come back to you, but as she has ended it, I think it is doubtful and nothing you should hope for or bank on.

 

Focus on you. What do you want? If your spouse could supply that, would you stay?

 

Work on you and communicate your dissatisfaction. Seek IC and MC. Make a time limit (one year? two years?) to decide.

 

And, if you truly want to make every attempt to be an honorable spouse, tell your wife of your affair.

 

She needs to make an informed choice if she wants to be married to you too. Or, is she wants to work on fixing your relationship.

[whichwayisup]

Go back..Why did you marry your wife to begin with?

 

What happened that made you two drift apart? Laziness, life getting in the way? You both stopped making the effort? Communcation stopped?

 

If you and your wife could reconnect again, bring back that passion you once felt for her, could your marriage be better?

 

Just isn't worth throwing away a marriage with kids, your family unit as one without going to marriage counselling and both you and your wife giving your marriage a real good last shot at working.

 

If you and your wife divorce and then some time way into the future the OW (MW) becomes free, then date her in the proper way. It isn't good for to propell into future and hope/make plans with someone else when you're not even divorced yet, let alone had any conversation with your wife about how you feel about her, the marriage and your affair. She deserves to know the truth so she can decide if she wants to end the marriage or save it.

[BetrayedH]

You need to understand that a wayward spouse is frequently in what is commonly called an "affair fog." Even though your choice to have an affair (instead of fixing your marriage OR leaving it) was unethical, unhealthy, illogical, immoral, and something that you (yourself) don't believe in, you did it anyway. You decided to essentially drop a nuclear weapon on your marriage (wbich takes a huge risk for your kids). Your mind will either consciously or subconsciously justify what you are doing. The most common manifestation of this is called, "rewriting your marital history." Your fantasy affair woke you up to how happy you could be, right? Soulmate all all that? Good luck incorporating that into the real world. You better smarten up and realize that you most certainly had a serious connection with your wife. You can rediscover it (you've just conveniently forgotten it) or you can run.

 

Start living an honest and authentic life. Confess to your betrayed wife. For once, be respectful of what she has done for you, having faith that you were the last person that would ever hurt her. Repair what you have done or continue down the rabbit hole.

 

As for your OW, you need to understand the very basic concept that she is ultimately, exactly where she wants to be. If she loved you the way that you think, she would be with you. It was a fantasy and she is smart enough to know that.

[Silly_Girl]

You need a 'back-up' to address something so very fundamental in your life? You say you are 'living a lie' yet you won't leave?

 

C'mon! Plenty of us have left non-abusive, non-dramatic marriages simply because they were not right for the people in them. And, as a result, not healthy for the kids either.

 

The decision about your marriage needs to be taken on the merits of the marriage alone. I know you fell in love but that can happen again. For now You need to work out whether there is a positive future with your wife. Personally I'd recommend individual counselling for you, and some marriage therapy for the 2 of you together. See where that gets you in 6 months or so.

[mercy]

if you're miserable, just go. You're using the kids as an excuse and you know it. Stop using your kids... it's not fair to them.

 

Definitely not fair to them. So so true.

 

What happens is, demands are put on the kids. Perform a certain way, I've given my whole life up for you so live up to my expectations. Resentment sets in for every little disappointment. Bitterness starts creeping into the core of who you are. It changes who they were intended to be, at their very core. Unhappy parents make for very unhappy children, who grow into unfulfilled lives. A person's inability to put action into their thoughts do no favors to their children by staying just for them. Honestly kids would respond to that, please, do me no favors.

 

If you're unhappy it is up to you to fix it. Don't put that burden on a child. Much too heavy of a load. Much too much of a burden no matter how old the child is.

[Steadfast]

The first step towards restoring your integrity is being honest with yourself. If the well-being of your children was your first priority, you never would have cheated to begin with. You can 'be there' for them married or divorced. I suspect you're more concerned with who gets blamed for the failures then what it'll take to restore it.

 

No matter how you 'feel' the next act of honestly would be telling your wife everything. It's a guess on my part, but she'll probably cycle through emotions of anger, betrayal and fear. When the dust settles, she'll probably want to repair the marriage. Most married parents (not in a chemically induced affair fog) do. She'll wonder what she did to cause it. Do not lay this on her. Like someone said; own it.

 

That's a lot to ask of someone who's obviously living a self-centered life. But people can change, if they want to. Do you? Or are you just interested in your vision of coming out on top?

[scatterd]

It is not easy to keep any marriage strong you need to have commitment, communication, and so much more for it to work. Cheating has robbed your marriage of what it needs to survive. You have put your energy into this other woman so what chance did your wife have. You need to be honest with her. Even though you think she does not know about the affair she probably suspects it. A partner can feel the other person pulling away.I suspect she can tell by the lack of emotions, body languish, and excuses for time away. In return how can she give you what you need when you are getting it else ware. I would give her the chance to make an informed decision on weather she wants to work it out also. You may find that she does not want to continue. With no proof how could she take action. Maybe your marriage is already damaged beyond repair. If so consider going to counseling and leaving in the best way you can, this will hurt your wife and children but so does a loveless marriage. I hope things work out for the best.