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Has anyone stayed with a physical abuser and worked it out?

M30USA

By M30USA
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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M30USA Established Member

M30USA

Posted
Posted (edited)

It seems men are generally less likely to leave a physically abusive spouse than women are. I am wondering if anyone (man or woman) has decided to stay with their physically abusive spouse and tried to work it out.

 

Please answer the following questions:

 

1) Your sex

2) What kind of physical abuse have you received?

3) Was the abuse mutual? (ie, Did you EVER physically abuse them--either in response or as the initiator?)

4) Did you decide to stay with this spouse?

5) How long have you (or were you) married?

6) Has there been a DEFINITE long term change in their behavior?

7) If yes to #6, how/why did they change?

 

Thank you.

Edited by M30USA
Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted

I tried. 2 lots of MC 1 lot of IC (him), should have cut my losses a long time before our 8yrs was up.

 

I've never known anyone have a happy ending where physical abuse is concerned.

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M30USA Established Member

M30USA

Posted
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Posted
I tried. 2 lots of MC 1 lot of IC (him), should have cut my losses a long time before our 8yrs was up.

 

I've never known anyone have a happy ending where physical abuse is concerned.

 

That sucks. I'm sorry.

 

Can you answer each of the questions I listed?

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted

I didn't specifically answer the Q's because the title asked who had 'worked it out' and the only thing I worked out was that I should've seen the writing on the wall from the off, and I was a fool for trying.

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted
It seems men are generally less likely to leave a physically abusive spouse than women are. I am wondering if anyone (man or woman) has decided to stay with their physically abusive spouse and tried to work it out.

 

Please answer the following questions:

 

1) Your sex

2) What kind of physical abuse have you received?

3) Was the abuse mutual? (ie, Did you EVER physically abuse them--either in response or as the initiator?)

4) Did you decide to stay with this spouse?

5) How long have you (or were you) married?

6) Has there been a DEFINITE long term change in their behavior?

7) If yes to #6, how/why did they change?

 

Thank you.

 

1. F

2. Punching, slapping, strangling, things thrown at my face/head, etc

3. Never

4. Yes, I believed - after some couples counselling - there could be a way forward

5. We were engaged, I called the wedding off. 8yr relationship.

6. There were some events I would call life-changing, however his behaviour never changed for more than approx 3 months at a time. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I stayed.

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M30USA Established Member

M30USA

Posted
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Posted

The ridiculous thing is that my STBXW, being the abuser, is constantly being protected by her parents (from what I don't know). Her parents escort her to every child exchange so that she doesn't have to be near me. Also, when my STBXW was first arrested for assaulting me, her mother called up my mother and basically said she was worried about her daughter. My mom was thinking, "WTH? Your daughter just assaulted my son with a board and you are worried about HER?" I'm telling you, her family is twisted. I blame her parents for the way she turned out.

Badsingularity Established Member

Badsingularity

Posted
Posted

2. Punching, slapping, strangling, things thrown at my face/head, etc

 

That is horrible.

 

 

Men that do these types of things are weak.

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threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

Posted
Posted (edited)

Why would anyone remain with an abusive partner, whether physically, emotionally or a combination of both types of abuse? The answer to this question if one justifies remaining with one, should illustrate without a shadow of a doubt, what needs to be fixed within the abused individual.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

Posted
Posted
The ridiculous thing is that my STBXW, being the abuser, is constantly being protected by her parents (from what I don't know). Her parents escort her to every child exchange so that she doesn't have to be near me. Also, when my STBXW was first arrested for assaulting me, her mother called up my mother and basically said she was worried about her daughter. My mom was thinking, "WTH? Your daughter just assaulted my son with a board and you are worried about HER?" I'm telling you, her family is twisted. I blame her parents for the way she turned out.

 

That is very sad. :( I don't understand why anyone would resort to violence. :(

 

Violence doesn't make relationships better. It just hurts or destroys people.

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M30USA Established Member

M30USA

Posted
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Posted (edited)
Why would anyone remain with an abusive partner, whether physically, emotionally or a combination of both types of abuse? The answer to this question if one justifies remaining with one, should illustrate without a shadow of a doubt, what needs to be fixed within the abused individual.

 

Well, here's the only problem with your comment...

 

The very word "abuse", itself, has been abused. People throw that term around all the time and it's been watered down and commonplace. To prove my point, I got my hands on a document my wife filled out for her lawyer which asked if there was abuse in our marriage. She checked the box where it says I abused her, while leaving the box empty for her abuse of me. And she was the one who beat the snot out of me with a wooden plank! What the freak!? I never laid a finger on her once. The extent of my behavior was merely a harsh word to her--God forbid--after she went off on her violent rages. How dare me. I guess I should have taken it like a man and kept my head down, eh? But my point is that, very often, abusers are the ones who don't even know what abuse is. In her warped mind, she really thinks I was the one abusing her, while she was the victim.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

Posted
Posted
*hugs you*

You shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed that you stayed, you were trying to make it work, and you believed it could be better.

I'm glad you did leave and that you have moved forward with your life.

 

One of my good friends tried to make it work, but after she saw her son hit her daughter, she realized that her husband beating her up was (indirectly) teaching her son to think it is ok to hurt others. That is when she decided to separate. She was very much hoping he would change, but he didn't. :(

 

In order for it to work, the abuser needs to be truly sorry and to truly change. My friend's ex-husband wasn't truly sorry nor did he change. Now my friend is married to a wonderful man who would never even think of hurting her and is a good role model to her children about how a good man treats others.

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M30USA Established Member

M30USA

Posted
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Posted
One of my good friends tried to make it work, but after she saw her son hit her daughter, she realized that her husband beating her up was (indirectly) teaching her son to think it is ok to hurt others. That is when she decided to separate. She was very much hoping he would change, but he didn't. :(

 

In order for it to work, the abuser needs to be truly sorry and to truly change. My friend's ex-husband wasn't truly sorry nor did he change. Now my friend is married to a wonderful man who would never even think of hurting her and is a good role model to her children about how a good man treats others.

 

It scares me to think that my STBXW will have a good chunk of custody with my kids (exact amount to be determined). Even though she may love the kids, what scares me is her completely irrational and chaotic behavior. One of the reasons I'm not eager to reconcile is that I've realized the kids will be better off with only 50% of the time with her rather than 100%. At least I can kind of "buffer" her craziness, so to speak. She, of course, views the kids as hers simply because she is the mother. I am looking at it from the non-controlling persepctive of what is better for the kids, themselves. And I say as much time with me as possible is the best. I think they can at least then have an idea of what normal is.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted
Well, here's the only problem with your comment...

 

The very word "abuse", itself, has been abused. People throw that term around all the time and it's been watered down and commonplace. To prove my point, I got my hands on a document my wife filled out for her lawyer which asked if there was abuse in our marriage. She checked the box where it says I abused her, while leaving the box empty for her abuse of me. And she was the one who beat the snot out of me with a wooden plank! What the freak!? I never laid a finger on her once. The extent of my behavior was merely a harsh word to her--God forbid--after she went off on her violent rages. How dare me. I guess I should have taken it like a man and kept my head down, eh? But my point is that, very often, abusers are the ones who don't even know what abuse is. In her warped mind, she really thinks I was the one abusing her, while she was the victim.

 

But as the abused (either you, or her, in her perception), why would you stay?

 

Why would either of you stay, if you perceive yourself to be abused?

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M30USA Established Member

M30USA

Posted
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Posted
But as the abused (either you, or her, in her perception), why would you stay?

 

Why would either of you stay, if you perceive yourself to be abused?

 

We aren't staying. We are getting divorced.

 

It just pisses me off that she (and obviously her family) view me as abusive as well. They would always get distorted information from her. Her father would lump us both together as "immature". I highly resented that. Just because I have an immature wife, it doesn't mean I am immature. But that's the nature of relationships. It's hard to separate the actions of the two people. They had a groupthink mentality with regard to marriage. Anything and everything wrong in our marriage, to them, was caused by "both" of us. I remember one time I asked her father if there was even a 1 in a million chance that a marriage crisis can be caused by ONLY ONE of the people and not both. He looked at me like I had two heads. I knew it was a lost cause right there.

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Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted
We aren't staying. We are getting divorced.

 

It just pisses me off that she (and obviously her family) view me as abusive as well. They would always get distorted information from her. Her father would lump us both together as "immature". I highly resented that. Just because I have an immature wife, it doesn't mean I am immature. But that's the nature of relationships. It's hard to separate the actions of the two people. They had a groupthink mentality with regard to marriage. Anything and everything wrong in our marriage, to them, was caused by "both" of us. I remember one time I asked her father if there was even a 1 in a million chance that a marriage crisis can be caused by ONLY ONE of the people and not both. He looked at me like I had two heads. I knew it was a lost cause right there.

 

The biggest trick I learnt (and still subscribe to, unfortunately my ex is not entirely gone from my life) is not to apply any common sense or rational thought to their actions. There is none. Let them be the messed-up weirdos they are and ignore what their strategy or motivations might be and don't try and deduce what they'll do next. It'll eat you alive. Concentrate on you and your life only,

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M30USA Established Member

M30USA

Posted
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Posted
The biggest trick I learnt (and still subscribe to, unfortunately my ex is not entirely gone from my life) is not to apply any common sense or rational thought to their actions. There is none. Let them be the messed-up weirdos they are and ignore what their strategy or motivations might be and don't try and deduce what they'll do next. It'll eat you alive. Concentrate on you and your life only,

 

Hmm...good perspective. I find that there IS rational thought to their actions: whatever increases their custody of the kids and increases their financial gain. They will lie in court, perform all kinds of oath-breaking, etc, as long as her parents get "our grandkids".

Nyla Established Member

Nyla

Posted
Posted
It seems men are generally less likely to leave a physically abusive spouse than women are. I am wondering if anyone (man or woman) has decided to stay with their physically abusive spouse and tried to work it out.

 

Please answer the following questions:

 

1) Your sex

2) What kind of physical abuse have you received?

3) Was the abuse mutual? (ie, Did you EVER physically abuse them--either in response or as the initiator?)

4) Did you decide to stay with this spouse?

5) How long have you (or were you) married?

6) Has there been a DEFINITE long term change in their behavior?

7) If yes to #6, how/why did they change?

 

Thank you.

 

1)Female

2)Shoving, twisting arm behind back.

3)Yes, in response.

4)Yes.

5)Two years. Together for six years.

6)Oh yes. I would not have stayed if the abuse continued. Gave him once chance because he seemed remorseful and attended therapy.

7)He changed because he knew that he would lose me if he did not. Simple.

  • 4 weeks later...
neecee65 New Member

neecee65

Posted
Posted (edited)
It seems men are generally less likely to leave a physically abusive spouse than women are. I am wondering if anyone (man or woman) has decided to stay with their physically abusive spouse and tried to work it out.

 

Please answer the following questions:

 

1) Your sex

2) What kind of physical abuse have you received?

3) Was the abuse mutual? (ie, Did you EVER physically abuse them--either in response or as the initiator?)

4) Did you decide to stay with this spouse?

5) How long have you (or were you) married?

6) Has there been a DEFINITE long term change in their behavior?

7) If yes to #6, how/why did they change?

 

Thank you.

 

1) female

2) physical(gun point to the head, slapped..etc)

3) was too afraid to responed back at him...he was cruel

4) I stayed in that marriage for a year after the gun incident(CRAZY, right?:o)

5)20 years marrried and finally got the courage to leave!!:)

6)he's not changed...but he was apologetic to me

7)10 years has passed and he's remarried, actually feel sorry for the new wife...

Edited by neecee65
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M30USA Established Member

M30USA

Posted
  • Author
Posted
1) female

2) physical(gun point to the head, slapped..etc)

3) was too afraid to responed back at him...he was cruel

4) I stayed in that marriage for a year after the gun incident(CRAZY, right?:o)

5)20 years marrried and finally got the courage to leave!!:)

6)he's not changed...but he was apologetic to me

7)10 years has passed and he's remarried, actually feel sorry for the new wife...

 

See, that sounds like a legitimate abuse case. Judge Judy one time yelled at a woman and said: If you were REALLY scared of your husband, you wouldnt be punching and kicking him! Women don't attack men they are afraid of--they run or give in.

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