Always picking the wrong men

[johan]

 

I don't disagree with what you are saying here Johan... but I think there are larger issues at play here.

 

In order to be successful in relationships it is important to be able to acknowledge your own flaws, accept them, do the same for your partner, and hold intelligent boundaries.

 

Just like there are larger issues involved for everyone here. I known some pretty screwed up people who have had relationships last for decades. I'm sure there are people on this thread giving ES advice they won't even take themselves. Some people who have been single longer than she has and don't have any better record than she does.

 

I don't think it's a prerequisite to have your act completely together before you find somebody to be with. That's a nice to have. And ES might have problems, but they certainly aren't so bad that she shouldn't be dating or trying or caring.

 

As far as acknowledging her own flaws and accepting them, ES seems to be in pretty good shape. How she deals with her partners' issues while she's with them is hard to gauge. I can't tell whether she's been with good guys or not. I only know how she feels about them. But I'm happy to take her word for it that they weren't great guys to be with. She can do better even in her present state of mind, I'm sure of that.

 

I also think that sometimes the best way to put insecurities to rest is to see them reflected in the eyes of someone who cares about you. Working on them alone is pretty inefficient.

Edited September 3, 2012 by johan

[Eternal Sunshine]

Thanks for your kind words johan.

 

I DO acknowledge my own issues. I made lots of mistakes in my last relationship to the point where I can't tell if my mistakes drove my ex's behavior or was it the other way around? (chicken or the egg - unable to resolve this one). In our last conversation, he admitted that he doesn't know either.

 

I also know many extremely screwed up people in long term relationships.

[Eternal Sunshine]

 

I also think that sometimes the best way to put insecurities to rest is to see them reflected in the eyes of someone who cares about you. Working on them alone is pretty inefficient.

 

 

Awww, I absolutely agree with this.

 

If only secure people dated, human race would soon become extinct.

[Ruby Slippers]

Forget the avatars, that's insecurity and need for external validation. If I actually thought that I was attractive, would I feel the need to post those avatars?

To what degree you conform to the beauty ideal is irrelevant. Your looks are sufficient for attracting men. You often have this seductive look about you, and I imagine this comes from your personality and aura. That is VERY attractive to anyone - so work it, girl

 

I made some progress but then back-peddaled

One of my favorite quotes is: "Progress is an erratic forward movement - two steps forward, one step back." (Julia Cameron) I have found this to be quite true for myself. I take a step up, then either plateau for a while or backtrack slightly. You accept the lulls and little slips, and you keep pushing yourself - the net result is improvement.

 

I think you're close. I relate to a lot of what you've said. And I was totally surprised to meet the guy I'm with now. It does seem like he came out of nowhere and hit me like a bolt of lightning. Sometimes I'm scared I'm going to screw it all up with my insecurities and fears. But I just keep doing my best, and even I can see how much better I'm handling problems and worries than I used to. And he's by my side the whole way. It's pretty amazing

[Untouchable_Fire]

Just like there are larger issues involved for everyone here. I known some pretty screwed up people who have had relationships last for decades. I'm sure there are people on this thread giving ES advice they won't even take themselves. Some people who have been single longer than she has and don't have any better record than she does.

I don't think it's a prerequisite to have your act completely together before you find somebody to be with. That's a nice to have. And ES might have problems, but they certainly aren't so bad that she shouldn't be dating or trying or caring.

As far as acknowledging her own flaws and accepting them, ES seems to be in pretty good shape. How she deals with her partners' issues while she's with them is hard to gauge. I can't tell whether she's been with good guys or not. I only know how she feels about them. But I'm happy to take her word for it that they weren't great guys to be with. She can do better even in her present state of mind, I'm sure of that.

I also think that sometimes the best way to put insecurities to rest is to see them reflected in the eyes of someone who cares about you. Working on them alone is pretty inefficient.

 

No, I don't think ES has a healthy view of herself. She tends to be overly critical and not accepting of her own flaws. For sure it has gotten better... or perhaps better hidden.

 

Of course I am assuming that ES is also the poster formerly known as SadandConfusedWA. If not... I am totally wrong.

[Emilia]

Yes perhaps she is. I have been following LS since 2007 and ES has come a long way.

[Star Gazer]

I DO acknowledge my own issues. I made lots of mistakes in my last relationship to the point where I can't tell if my mistakes drove my ex's behavior or was it the other way around? (chicken or the egg - unable to resolve this one). In our last conversation, he admitted that he doesn't know either.

 

The thing is, with your ex... you really didn't acknowledge or own your mistakes or take ownership of the role you were playing while in the relationship, at all. You really did play the victim role. It's only now that you're able to acknowledge your mistakes. I suppose that's common for many people though, being unable to see the problems while actually in the relationship.

 

But at the end of the day, it didn't really matter... did it? The health of that relationship was irrelevant, because you weren't in love with him. The relationship was a means to an end for you. You wanted him to love you, and love you enough, because you wanted to get married... to get married.

 

So, I think it would be best to stop analyzing that relationship and what he or you did wrong to cause it to fall apart, because it wasn't the right relationship for you to begin with.

[Untouchable_Fire]

With ES, you can see an evolution in how she views herself, relationships, and the world, by looking at the focus of each of her names/periods of her life. Sometimes I think she's ready for a new one.

 

I definitely see movement in the right direction. Not as much movement as you though.

[snug.bunny]

OP, to quote one of my favorite songs...

 

 

Cheers.

[threebyfate]

This thread is the perfect example of different personality types, responding to different types of positive and negative stimuli.

 

In one corner, there's ES, johan and hokie (although he's not in this thread), where they bloom with compliments and become passive or passive-aggressive with criticisms.

 

In another corner, there's Stargazer, Mme Chaucer and myself to some extent, who are more hard hittingly direct and directive, who are more Invictus types, who when our B buttons are hit, will rip your face off.

 

The two corners are stereotypes for coping strategies and defense mechanisms. Fascinating but also a study for what works for and with ES. In analyzing this thread and methodologies, it might be a good way for ES to review what type of man might suit her. As a guess, someone like johan but only when he hasn't shifted to critical overanalysis, since he'll withdraw and fuel insecurities harshly. But if you flip the script, perhaps someone passive won't trigger his own insecurities enough that he does withdraw. It's unfortunate that he's found someone new but if that doesn't pan out, perhaps there's potential for the two of you. A consideration from my perspective.

[johan]

This thread is the perfect example of different personality types, responding to different types of positive and negative stimuli.

 

In one corner, there's ES, johan and hokie (although he's not in this thread), where they bloom with compliments and become passive or passive-aggressive with criticisms.

 

In another corner, there's Stargazer, Mme Chaucer and myself to some extent, who are more hard hittingly direct and directive, who are more Invictus types, who when our B buttons are hit, will rip your face off.

 

The two corners are stereotypes for coping strategies and defense mechanisms. Fascinating but also a study for what works for and with ES. In analyzing this thread and methodologies, it might be a good way for ES to review what type of man might suit her. As a guess, someone like johan but only when he hasn't shifted to critical overanalysis, since he'll withdraw and fuel insecurities harshly. But if you flip the script, perhaps someone passive won't trigger his own insecurities enough that he does withdraw. It's unfortunate that he's found someone new but if that doesn't pan out, perhaps there's potential for the two of you. A consideration from my perspective.

 

Way to show respect. Not sure what you're talking about with the "B button". Maybe it has something to do with the game controller on your PlayStation. But the day will never come when you rip my face off, or even come near enough to to take a kitten swipe at it, Invictus. The hatchet you wanted to bury is back out. Factor that into your perspective.

 

Too passive?

[threebyfate]

Way to show respect. Not sure what you're talking about with the "B button". Maybe it has something to do with the game controller on your PlayStation. But the day will never come when you rip my face off, or even come near enough to to take a kitten swipe at it, Invictus. The hatchet you wanted to bury is back out. Factor that into your perspective.

 

Too passive?

Why would you have taken this as an attack on you? It wasn't. These are my observations of different personality types.

[William]

None of which has anything to do with the specific topic at hand, save for the personality type of the thread starter, if disclosed.

 

Stick to the topic folks. Life on LS is so much more pleasant that way.

[xxoo]

Forget the avatars, that's insecurity and need for external validation. If I actually thought that I was attractive, would I feel the need to post those avatars?

 

I can understand that.

 

But do you do the same IRL? Do you put your looks out there, seeking external validation?

 

Because even if you feel insecure inside, the people who see you post dozens of avatars, or put yourself at center of attention among men, will not see "modest and humble" even if that is what you feel inside. They will make inferences based on what you do, not what you feel.

 

That could partially explain why you are not attracting men who appreciate modest and humble.

 

I do believe you are sweet. I see that here, too. People are multifaceted.

[eleanorhurting]

I have always had sympathy for you ES maybe because I see myself in you a little? I think if I were to be grouped into a corner I would be in the ES, Johan ad Hokie corner as well.

 

I think the girl at the department store said it best: your guy will come. Just try to be the best you that you can be in the meanwhile

[threebyfate]

I have always had sympathy for you ES maybe because I see myself in you a little? I think if I were to be grouped into a corner I would be in the ES, Johan ad Hokie corner as well.

 

I think the girl at the department store said it best: your guy will come. Just try to be the best you that you can be in the meanwhile

Yes, I'd put you in the same category for personality type. Non-aggressive.

[Star Gazer]

I have always had sympathy for you ES maybe because I see myself in you a little? I think if I were to be grouped into a corner I would be in the ES, Johan ad Hokie corner as well.

 

Honestly, I shudder to include Hokie in the same corner as Johan. They are light years apart.

[William]

Enough. Thread closed.