Always picking the wrong men

[threebyfate]

And that brings us back to how people sometimes talk differently from the way they actually behave. If you believe their words, but those words don't match their actions, then you can make mistakes in guestimating their true character.

Another way to look at this is to know and accept that everyone has different sides to their character, except for some of the cartoon characters we see on LS or online.

 

Push the bitch/arsehole button and people will push you back. So if you find you're constantly pushing the bitch button in women, you're the only constant.

[snug.bunny]

I am a nice girl that is sweet and kind to them. And it seems that they use me as a stepping stone to build up their ego and find something "better".

 

Are you nondiscriminatory with flirtation? Meaning, do you flirt a lot regardless of whether or not you are truly interested? And, are you taking about common courtesy/manners, or does being a “sweet and kind” woman to them include heavy flirtation…

 

Think about the kinds of things that you respond to and are attracted to…

 

Is it complement driven?

Acts of kindness? Chivalry?

Humbleness?

Strong morals/ethics/values?

A strong personality (that doesn’t include fluff)?

[veggirl]

Good questions Pierre. Unfortunately I think she may have abandoned her own thread, which begs the question does she want "this" to change?

[SJC2008]

One of the reasons I've been single (of a handfull anyway) forever is because I don't do crap like this. I'm not going to lead a woman on just to have steady trim until the NBT comes along.

[brahmabull117]

It's not even that I am turned off by arogant men, I am turned off by even confident men.

 

 

Seriously? You may be first person I've ever met to say that

 

 

Confidence makes all the difference in the world for me and most guys I know. When I'm feeling like I'm on top of the world, I have so much more success in terms of making friends and what not

[Radu]

Seriously? You may be first person I've ever met to say that

 

 

Confidence makes all the difference in the world for me and most guys I know. When I'm feeling like I'm on top of the world, I have so much more success in terms of making friends and what not

 

There are ppl like her.

 

My guess is that she got hurt by a number of confident men and reacted to this, would explain her going after 'safe' guys.

[Leigh 87]

ET, It is down to where your from... Because where I live, a lot of men PREFER nice girls... guys from all walks of life do, from what I have seen and heard.

You would be surprised how many men just want a really nice girl. In fact, I have yet to meet a guy who prefers a b8tch to a lovely, non b8tchy girl.

 

I hang out and talk to men from all walks of life. From academically geared men with their masters, to blue collar workers. They ALL love a nice girl over the assertive, agressive, b*tchy ones that LOVE to gossip ( but in a bad way!)

 

The guys you have picked and you must just lack the " x factor". Otherwise, they would have wanted to stay with you and you would have been more into them.

Because you were not truly the right people for one another, it looks like they knew it and left, albiet AFTER you helped them build up their confidence!

A guy would not just walk away from the love of his life to " find someone better" like you suggested these guys did to you.... YOu were obviousy not the right people for each other to begin with, hence why they left.

 

I am stunned though: you really cannot find men who like nice girls?!

[Revolver]

Guys don't want "bitches" That's a myth. They want women who are attractive with great personalities Who are great to them. What happens often though is the women with bad personalities Are sometimes the most attractive so they tend to go after them. But no woman on this planet has or will ever get dumped because she was too "nice", that's crap.

[Revolver]

For the most part, there is no such thing as "nice guy". There are men who can afford to treat women badly and get away with it (due to other qualities that they have) and men who can't afford that (due to lack of other qualities).

 

If we're being real, this is the truth lmao

[Radu]

IN another thread ES stated she dates men she does not find desirable because she is lonely. She is in desperation mode and has lost objectivity.

 

I think, she cannot evaluate men and if the right guy came along she would be unable to see him.

 

Sometimes women like ES end up having affairs with married men as they get a bit older. They simply give up on single men.

 

The bolded part indicates mostly low self-esteem imho.

[xxoo]

Now, to refocus on the opening post. Consider this from a rational perspective. What part of bragging about how sweet, modest and full of humility you are, is sweet, modest and displaying humility?

 

I like you, ES. I like your personality. But tbf makes a good point. Your avatar history alone (picture after picture of your gorgeous self) show that you are not shy, modest, or humble. You may have a side that is those things, but that is not the side you show here.

 

It's not even that I am turned off by arogant men, I am turned off by even confident men.

 

Your boss is confident. You aren't turned off by confident men.

 

What's the story you tell yourself, and what is the truth?

[maybealone]

I hang out and talk to men from all walks of life. From academically geared men with their masters, to blue collar workers. They ALL love a nice girl over the assertive, agressive, b*tchy ones that LOVE to gossip ( but in a bad way!)

 

In my experience, I think this is what men of all walks of life say, but their actions are usually different.

 

And I don't think it's that they want or prefer a bitchy woman. Maybe the better term would be a "more challenging" woman.

 

Again, I think this goes back to the different definitions of "nice."

[mesmerized]

That's quite a cynical way to look at it. Understandable, but I don't think I could attribute that to most guys. Maybe a large minority rather than a majority?

 

We all know you're an exception.

[utterer of lies]

I am not about to go and buy a book on "Why men love bi%ches". I am convinced that there is someone out there that will appreciate a truly nice girl.

 

It just sucks that in today's world, all the wrong qualities are valued. What happened to modesty and humility being positive traits?

 

From reading your threads, I didn't get the impression that you were a truly nice girl, and your ever-changing avatars do not evoke the impression of modesty or humility.

 

Maybe it's time for you to get to know yourself

[Radu]

ES, how many Facebook friends do you have ?

[mortensorchid]

I feel as if I am in the same boat as you. The types I see around me are either losers who think of themselves as "nice guys" when they really aren't, vain and narcissistic guys who see themselves as catches for whoever is around and expect women to take care of them, or those who are simply not interested in me. Or they come off as harmless but they are actually emotionally abusive and horrible, then they settle for some trashy girl because they don't want to admit how desperate they actually are.

 

It's very frustrating. People keep saying "you'll find the right one" and pat you on the head with assurance, but over time I find myself becoming more and more bitter. Just remember that they could've had something better but they settled for something less. Life goes on.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I have noticed a pattern in men I pick, and it somehow never works with them.

I like guys that are "nice". The type that never had much luck with women and are insecure as a result. I can relate to them (being the same) and I somehow am drawn to helping them. I like that they are humble and not full of themselves. They are usually somewhat shy and introverted.

I get burned by these guys, every. single. time. I am a nice girl that is sweet and kind to them. And it seems that they use me as a stepping stone to build up their ego and find something "better". They seem to be drawn to girls that are assertive, aggressive and somewhat bi*chy. These are the girls they pine for.

I am not about to go and buy a book on "Why men love bi%ches". I am convinced that there is someone out there that will appreciate a truly nice girl.

It just sucks that in today's world, all the wrong qualities are valued. What happened to modesty and humility being positive traits?

 

I have read through enough of your threads over the years to be able to say without qualifiers that it isn't just your choice in men.

 

Are you really going to spend your whole life searching for the one non-existent man who can deal with your special kind of crazy?

 

It's like the answer to every relationship failure is that you just have to find a better man.... a better fit. That will most likely not happen. You need to be a better woman first. A big part of that is dealing with your insecurities.

[A O]

I think, she cannot evaluate men and if the right guy came along she would be unable to see him.

I think its more of a case of continuously finding fault in any man she's interested in, otherwise known as 'sabotaging' behaviour. There isn't a man in the world that can ever measure up to this type of mindset. Hence the question is why - why the need to self-sabotage every time she becomes interested in someone?

[Ruby Slippers]

It's like the answer to every relationship failure is that you just have to find a better man.... a better fit. That will most likely not happen. You need to be a better woman first. A big part of that is dealing with your insecurities.

I totally agree with this.

 

As I've worked on my own self-esteem, goals, and good habits, I have naturally attracted guys on the same wavelength.

 

When I was cynical and unmotivated, I met that kind of guy. When I was more ambitious but still cynical, I met that kind of guy. Now that I'm ambitious and more open-hearted, I've met that kind of guy.

 

If you want anything in your life to change, you have to change yourself.

 

This won't be an overnight thing. It's about very small changes made gradually and in a way that is manageable and positive for you.

 

You're a smart, funny, interesting woman, ES, and I know you can get stronger and braver, open your heart.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Forget the avatars, that's insecurity and need for external validation. If I actually thought that I was attractive, would I feel the need to post those avatars?

 

I do honestly believe that I am a nice and kind person. The word that people in real life use to describe me most often is "sweet". I am always prepared to help anyone and will fight passionately for people that are not treated fairly and are being discriminated against. I tend to be too forgiving, can't properly stand up for myself and am prepared to neglect all my needs for someone else. Perhaps saying that doesn't make me humble?

 

For the record, I like TBF and don't think she is a b&tch. I see her as assertive and strong but she also has a sweet and compassionate side.

 

Mostly, I have had a string of bad luck with men lately and am so fed up that I started this thread. I am sure it will pass soon. Still, there are some patterns and underlying issues that I am working on. I made some progress but then back-peddaled

[johan]

ES, of course you should always be working to improve yourself. Everyone should. But I don't hold you responsible for the fact that you haven't met a good guy yet. It's just really hard to find someone, but at the same time it's really easy to be hard on yourself.

 

You're doing the right things with your career and the fact that you're out being social and meeting people. You can't force it to happen just by doing the right things though. Relationships aren't awarded based on merit. You can't control the timeline. It seems like the universe has all the control, and sometime it will surprise you with the right guy. And all this time spent worrying and feeling down about the whole thing will be forgotten.

[RedRobin]

ES... I think I read somewhere that you have a PhD?

 

Everyone can see you are certainly well above average in looks...

 

Something to ponder...

 

High achievers often are so because nothing is ever 'good enough'... for themselves and sometimes (they fear) for others. People can be driven by all kinds of things... if their high achieving is driven by excitement and passion, that's a great thing... if it is driven by fear and anxiety, it will eat you alive...

 

You may be attracting men for whom nothing is 'good enough' either... in their own way. Hence their need to keep trading up.

 

People call it 'settling'... I call it embracing the best and worst of yourself and others... and finding happiness in that... 'Enough' happiness... whatever that means to you. Of course, I may not be the best person to give advice like this... since I struggle with it myself.

 

Here's a book that put alot of this into perspective for me... as much as I hate self-help books, it seemed to resonate with me and some of my other crazy high-achieving wackjob friends....

 

Amazon.com: egonomics: What Makes Ego Our Greatest Asset (or Most Expensive Liability) (9781416533276): David Marcum, Steven B. Smith: Books

Edited September 3, 2012 by RedRobin

[Untouchable_Fire]

Forget the avatars, that's insecurity and need for external validation. If I actually thought that I was attractive, would I feel the need to post those avatars?

I do honestly believe that I am a nice and kind person. The word that people in real life use to describe me most often is "sweet". I am always prepared to help anyone and will fight passionately for people that are not treated fairly and are being discriminated against. I tend to be too forgiving, can't properly stand up for myself and am prepared to neglect all my needs for someone else. Perhaps saying that doesn't make me humble?

For the record, I like TBF and don't think she is a b&tch. I see her as assertive and strong but she also has a sweet and compassionate side.

Mostly, I have had a string of bad luck with men lately and am so fed up that I started this thread. I am sure it will pass soon. Still, there are some patterns and underlying issues that I am working on. I made some progress but then back-peddaled

 

By all accounts you ARE beautiful. You seem to require massive amounts of external validation because for some reason you don't seem to have much internal validation. You need to believe and nobody can give this to you.

 

I mean this in the most positive way possible. Finding the perfect guy will not make you feel better... it will most likely make you feel worse.

 

 

ES, of course you should always be working to improve yourself. Everyone should. But I don't hold you responsible for the fact that you haven't met a good guy yet. It's just really hard to find someone, but at the same time it's really easy to be hard on yourself.

You're doing the right things with your career and the fact that you're out being social and meeting people. You can't force it to happen just by doing the right things though. Relationships aren't awarded based on merit. You can't control the timeline. It seems like the universe has all the control, and sometime it will surprise you with the right guy. And all this time spent worrying and feeling down about the whole thing will be forgotten.

 

I don't disagree with what you are saying here Johan... but I think there are larger issues at play here.

 

In order to be successful in relationships it is important to be able to acknowledge your own flaws, accept them, do the same for your partner, and hold intelligent boundaries.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Forget the avatars, that's insecurity and need for external validation. If I actually thought that I was attractive, would I feel the need to post those avatars?

 

That's one of the problems; your need for external validation. It gets in your way badly when you are dating and / or commencing with a relationship (IMO) and interferes with you really getting to know the other person and whether or not the two of you are a good fit.

 

I am sure it will pass soon. Still, there are some patterns and underlying issues that I am working on. I made some progress but then back-peddaled

 

That all sounds very healthy of you!

[SmileFace]

Don't you think you should work on your insecurities?

 

How exactly is that something that can be overlooked?