Always picking the wrong men

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have noticed a pattern in men I pick, and it somehow never works with them.

 

I like guys that are "nice". The type that never had much luck with women and are insecure as a result. I can relate to them (being the same) and I somehow am drawn to helping them. I like that they are humble and not full of themselves. They are usually somewhat shy and introverted.

 

I get burned by these guys, every. single. time. I am a nice girl that is sweet and kind to them. And it seems that they use me as a stepping stone to build up their ego and find something "better". They seem to be drawn to girls that are assertive, aggressive and somewhat bi*chy. These are the girls they pine for.

 

I am not about to go and buy a book on "Why men love bi%ches". I am convinced that there is someone out there that will appreciate a truly nice girl.

 

It just sucks that in today's world, all the wrong qualities are valued. What happened to modesty and humility being positive traits?

[MrCastle]

Sorry to hear about your struggles. For what it's worth, I think you have a great personality from what I can tell and I also think you're a cutie. If I was in your neck of the woods, we wouldn't leave the house.

[january2011]

I think it depends on who you ask, ES - I'd consider modesty and humility to be positive traits.

 

I'm wondering if your experiences are due in part to your location and the circles you're in when you meet these men. Perhaps a change of scenery might refresh your selection?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Sorry to hear about your struggles. For what it's worth, I think you have a great personality from what I can tell and I also think you're a cutie. If I was in your neck of the woods, we wouldn't leave the house.

 

Thanks MrCastle. For what it's worth, I think you are a hottie

[Titanwolf]

You need to find a confident man, who's secure in himself but is also "nice". Just the right amount of nice to remain humble and sincere, but not be a living door mat to be stepped on. If you go after the men with deflated self-esteem, surely you realize that, once you boost their ego, their going to change?. Insecurity alters perception and self-worth. if you find an insecure man whom you feel is worthy of you at that time, once you "build him up", of course he'll use that opportunity to experience his new found self-esteem/confidence. Of course there are exceptions to every rule. The likelihood of finding a man like the one desribed in the first 2.5 sentences, in this society, is extremely low. I genuinely wish you luck, searching for your needle in the needle stack.

[MrCastle]

Thanks MrCastle. For what it's worth, I think you are a hottie

 

Mmm. Hugs and kisses for you indeed Ms. Sunshine

[madjac74]

I can only speak for myself as a guy but I don't want a bitch. I like a girl who is a bit sassy which means she is confident in who she is, says whats on her mind and has a sharp sense of humor. That is a big difference from a girl who is just a plain B- itch.

 

I don't think you would be a stepping stone to anyone.

[MrCastle]

ES to answer your question, I'd be wary about guys with low self esteem/confidence. A lot of people who battle esteem issues go through peaks and valleys. They hook up with you and suddenly they go from no confidence to OVER confidence. They think "whoa! I did it! I got a chick! Well I need to make up for lost time! I have to move onto the next one!"

 

There is also a belief that all people who are confident are douchey or players or whatever, and that low self esteem, unsuccessful guys are humble and nice and whatever else is assumed. That's not the case. Sure there are some that fit that mold, but I'd like to think of myself as someone with a healthy amount of confidence, but I'm also a giving, caring, man. If you prove your worth to me, I'm yours forever. Loyalty is very important to me. Loyalty is hard to gain, and easy to lose in my dating life; but if you earned it, I'm yours. For keeps.

 

Part of this process of finding the ideal mate, for all of us, has to start within. If you yourself are self conscious/low self esteem, etc, naturally you want to find someone like you. In the end, we all end up with our equal. At least that's what I believe. If you want to change the type of guys you're running into, start by changing yourself. You're a very beautiful woman. You're smart, open minded, caring, deep; and this is just from what I've gathered through your posts. You have a lot to offer, physically and personality wise, and shouldn't be feeling insecure about anything, nor should you be dating those guys. You need a man, not a boy.

[Eternal Sunshine]

ES to answer your question, I'd be wary about guys with low self esteem/confidence. A lot of people who battle esteem issues go through peaks and valleys. They hook up with you and suddenly they go from no confidence to OVER confidence. They think "whoa! I did it! I got a chick! Well I need to make up for lost time! I have to move onto the next one!"

 

There is also a belief that all people who are confident are douchey or players or whatever, and that low self esteem, unsuccessful guys are humble and nice and whatever else is assumed. That's not the case. Sure there are some that fit that mold, but I'd like to think of myself as someone with a healthy amount of confidence, but I'm also a giving, caring, man. If you prove your worth to me, I'm yours forever. Loyalty is very important to me. Loyalty is hard to gain, and easy to lose in my dating life; but if you earned it, I'm yours. For keeps.

 

Part of this process of finding the ideal mate, for all of us, has to start within. If you yourself are self conscious/low self esteem, etc, naturally you want to find someone like you. In the end, we all end up with our equal. At least that's what I believe. If you want to change the type of guys you're running into, start by changing yourself. You're a very beautiful woman. You're smart, open minded, caring, deep; and this is just from what I've gathered through your posts. You have a lot to offer, physically and personality wise, and shouldn't be feeling insecure about anything, nor should you be dating those guys. You need a man, not a boy.

 

Thank you MrCastle. That was a very deep and insightful post. It made me feel a bit better

 

You are right, like attracts like. More than likely, I am insecure myself and thus am attracted to the same. Two insecure people are probably a recipe for disaster.

 

[the ill-made knight]

I think we all attract (and seek) persons not unlike ourselves.

 

I would work on your own insecurities and simply stop dating insecure men. Insecurity, imo, is just another red flag.

 

ETA: Insecurity on either side simply cannot work. We cannot fix people as much as we might want to and it's never a good idea to get into a relationship with someone who is not ready for a relationship. Both parties need to be well adjusted and secure in themselves for things to even have a chance of working.

[Radu]

ES, pls answer the following :

- how old are you ?

- how old are these guys ?

- do they have kids/marriages in the past ?

- what is on average their dating history ?

[monkey00]

That's true about likes attracting likes. Also do you think subconsciously you're looking for a project to 'fix' with these men? Or possibly you know what the outcome will be that they will leave you for someone else, and that subconsciously you seek these types out because you might have a problem committing yourself?

[Eternal Sunshine]

ES, pls answer the following :

- how old are you ?

- how old are these guys ?

- do they have kids/marriages in the past ?

- what is on average their dating history ?

 

1. I am 33.

2. They are 27-35.

3. No kids and usually no marriages.

4. Not much of a dating history, one or two relationships at most. Not very experienced at all.

[Eternal Sunshine]

That's true about likes attracting likes. Also do you think subconsciously you're looking for a project to 'fix' with these men? Or possibly you know what the outcome will be that they will leave you for someone else, and that subconsciously you seek these types out because you might have a problem committing yourself?

 

Possibly. I do have some fears of commitment that I am trying to get over. However, I never felt that those fears are what broke the relationship.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It's not even that I am turned off by arogant men, I am turned off by even confident men.

 

There is just something that repels me about confidence in men and women. My closest female friends are also insecure and very much like myself. Those types of people are relate to the best.

 

I see shyness as a positive trait.

[USMCHokie]

I get burned by these guys, every. single. time. I am a nice girl that is sweet and kind to them. And it seems that they use me as a stepping stone to build up their ego and find something "better". They seem to be drawn to girls that are assertive, aggressive and somewhat bi*chy. These are the girls they pine for.

 

As an admitted one of these nice guys, I'm still trying to figure out why I do this. Perhaps it's a product of my experience. I think at this point in my life, I am placing higher value on quantity rather than quality. I'm trying to prove to myself that I AM worth as much as people say I am, and I have a curiousity to see just how much I'm "worth." If race is not the issue I've always thought it was, then maybe I feel like I need more than just one girl to "confirm" it.

 

It's not a good thing.

[Eternal Sunshine]

As an admitted one of these nice guys, I'm still trying to figure out why I do this. Perhaps it's a product of my experience. I think at this point in my life, I am placing higher value on quantity rather than quality. I'm trying to prove to myself that I AM worth as much as people say I am, and I have a curiousity to see just how much I'm "worth." If race is not the issue I've always thought it was, then maybe I feel like I need more than just one girl to "confirm" it.

 

It's not a good thing.

 

I hope that you manage to get a handle on this before you screw up your current relationship..although in your scenario maybe "screwing it up" wouldn't be a bad thing

[USMCHokie]

I hope that you manage to get a handle on this before you screw up your current relationship..although in your scenario maybe "screwing it up" wouldn't be a bad thing

 

Heh, you are terrible.

[Eternal Sunshine]

you arent a nice guy

 

Actually he presents a a typical nice guy. I am trying to psycho-anylize him.

[Star Gazer]

ES: You're repeating the cycle. You had made huge improvements. What happened?

 

As an admitted one of these nice guys, I'm still trying to figure out why I do this. Perhaps it's a product of my experience. I think at this point in my life, I am placing higher value on quantity rather than quality. I'm trying to prove to myself that I AM worth as much as people say I am, and I have a curiousity to see just how much I'm "worth." If race is not the issue I've always thought it was, then maybe I feel like I need more than just one girl to "confirm" it.

 

It's not a good thing.

 

Nice guy? I don't think so. Insecure guy, yes. GIGS guy, yes.

[Star Gazer]

Actually he presents a a typical nice guy. I am trying to psycho-anylize him.

 

If you include our previous definition of a guy who is nice on the outside but burning with bitterness and anger on the inside and prone to lashing out, but maintaining a funny, nice guy IMAGE, yes.

 

But our definition of nice guy isn't fundamentally a truly nice guy.

[SmileFace]

I will now stalk this thread for the familiar lulz

 

... Oh brother

[Eternal Sunshine]

Star,

 

My problem is that in the early dating stages it's almost impossible to tell "true nice guy" from "fake nice guy" since they will act the same. I want to be able to tell before emotional investement is made.

 

I have made progress, I am just pondering my past patterns. What did all guys I went for in the past have in common? And this is what I came up with. My ex fits this perfectly.

[Star Gazer]

Star,

 

My problem is that in the early dating stages it's almost impossible to tell "true nice guy" from "fake nice guy" since they will act the same. I want to be able to tell before emotional investement is made.

 

I have made progress, I am just pondering my past patterns. What did all guys I went for in the past have in common? And this is what I came up with. My ex fits this perfectly.

 

I don't think they start off the same, and I don't really think you do either.

 

Your intuition hasn't been wrong. You should start trusting it more.

[tigressA]

I tend to be attracted to this type as well, and then they become disinterested/move on because:

 

1. They're convinced they can do better since they snapped me up.

 

2. They feel I'm so much better than them and they need to find someone who is 'beneath' them so they won't be intimidated.

 

They appear confident and nice and fun and they hook me that way, then I find out about their insecurities and sometimes instead of bailing I want to 'rescue' them. Then after not too long I can see through it all and I ultimately bail, if they haven't done so first.

 

These guys can't keep up the facade for very long, I've learned. Eventually, their true colors show. In my experience, they will make offhand comments about dating and relationships that reek of bitterness and/or insecurity (quite often passed off as a joke); they'll badmouth exes, etc. Looking back, I can pinpoint at least one early sign from each 'nice guy' I've fallen for that indicated a red flag.