How to get images and thoughts out of my head!!!

[Jons511]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for four months. We were set up by a mutual friend, who warned me at the time about my gf's past. Saying she cheated on a couple boyfriends before and was apparently sleeping around between her last serious boyfriend and I.*

 

Things seemed to be going great until I caught her going thru my phone one day. I have nothing to hide, so I actually didn't even call her out on it, I just let it go. However, a few weeks later, I get the urge to check her phone.*

 

What I found shocked me to say the least... She was sexting and sending topless pictures to some guy just three days before we became an official couple. Two problems: one being she knew what my intentions were, and we were both really in to each other, and two: she wouldn't sext or send me topless pics.*The second one bothered me more than the first.*

 

The pictures she sent this guy (once again 3 days before we were official, and after a few weeks of "dating" each other, we're high quality shots of her naked from the waist up. When I asked her for a pic, I got this weird out-of-focus side view that I couldn't tell if they were boobs or the surface of mars. So between that, and the fact she would never sext me no matter how hard I tried, I was a little upset.*

 

I kept this inside for a few weeks and finally confronted her about what I saw. I played coy at first and didn't tell her exactly what i knew. She wound up admitting to sleeping with two guys the week before we were together, neither of which were the guy she sent the topless pics to. This came, of course, as another shock.*

 

When I asked her why she wouldn't do that for me, her reply was "you're my boyfriend, I shouldn't have to put myself out there like that..." this infuriated me because I think it should be the opposite. Because I'm her boyfriend she SHOULD put herself out there like this.*

 

The texts back and forth with these guys was graphic... It was extremely dirty. Why the hell won't she do that with me?

 

Its been a month and I still cant get these images she sent him or her graphic sex talk out of my head. I'm totally jealous that I don't get that side of her. I've tried talking to her, but she doesn't get it... What can I do? Would this bother you? How do I get over this?

 

As an aside note, after we got together she told these guys about me, and how she "really likes me" so she can't do that stuff with them anymore. So I'm pretty sure she won't cheat on me. However sometimes when I'm having sex with her these texts and images pop into my head, making it impossible for me to continue. *

[karnak]

Why do you want a relationship with a girl like that?

[salparadise]

So I'm pretty sure she won't cheat on me. However sometimes when I'm having sex with her these texts and images pop into my head, making it impossible for me to continue. *

 

Higher instincts are trying to override your pecker. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you know that she cheated on previous boyfriends, then you'd better be ready for more pictures, or full-length movies, that you can't get out of your head. The whole lying-cheating thing is a character deficit issue within a person and not something that's variable depending on the individual she's in a relationship with. At the right time, with the right person, or the right number of drinks and the wrong person... you already know the probabilities. Assuming it's different with you will be painful.

[Jons511]

So people can never change? I've cheated on a girl before, but I have no desire to cheat on her, or anyone anymore for that matter.

[jrizz0]

How did she react when you asked her about the picture being sent while in a relationship with her? If she didn't really find it wrong then I would say find a new one. 4 months into a relationship isn't in to deep.

[Jons511]

We weren't "officially" in a relationship until 3 days later. She was open and honest about everything when I talked to her. I believe her, but I can't get it outta my head.

[salparadise]

So people can never change? I've cheated on a girl before, but I have no desire to cheat on her, or anyone anymore for that matter.

 

People can certainly change in some ways, but personality is pretty much fixed by the time a person is eighteen or so. If they they haven't developed a moral compass, values, conscience, empathy, compassion, etc. by that time they aren't likely to suddenly acquire them a few years later. The predisposition for feeling as well as knowing right from wrong and being motivated to do the right thing simply because it's the right thing (as opposed to avoidance of consequences) is higher order stuff that some people possess and some do not. An adult who has exhibited disingenuous behavioral patterns in the past is not likely to wake up one morning with inherent personality traits consistent with high integrity. They can inhibit behavior to comply with what is deemed socially acceptable in order to avoid the consequences of their actions, but that's not the same as reversing their predispositions.

 

This stuff is something you probably should dig into a bit deeper. I can attest that with amazingly few exceptions, whatever a person is capable of doing to someone else, they are also capable of doing to you. And some of them can put on a awfully damn good act in the meantime. It's prudent to make sure a person passes the integrity-conscience-empathy tests before you give them a shot at your soft parts. Ignoring this advice will eventually prove painful.

Edited September 1, 2012 by salparadise

[road]

Higher instincts are trying to override your pecker. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you know that she cheated on previous boyfriends, then you'd better be ready for more pictures, or full-length movies, that you can't get out of your head. The whole lying-cheating thing is a character deficit issue within a person and not something that's variable depending on the individual she's in a relationship with. At the right time, with the right person, or the right number of drinks and the wrong person... you already know the probabilities. Assuming it's different with you will be painful.

 

 

Could not of said that any better: best indication of future behavior is past....

 

 

So people can never change? I've cheated on a girl before, but I have no desire to cheat on her, or anyone anymore for that matter.

 

 

You have cheated once. You claim that you are never going to cheat ever again.

 

Well claiming and making the personal changes to never be a chearter again are not the same. So which are you: just a talker or a walker?

 

I'll pretend that you not only talk but now walk the right path.

 

I'll never pretend that your girl friend can change. You were told that she was a serial cheater before you dated her.

 

She has continued her cheating ways with multiple OM since you have known her.

 

Are you sure the guy that inroduced you to her is a friend of your's?

[BetrayedH]

She has two objectives:

 

(1). Have a stable, responsible, "good" man to someday marry and have children with.

(2). Have a guy that can dominate her sexually and completely see her dirty side.

 

She hopes these two guys never meet.

[karnak]

She has two objectives:

 

(1). Have a stable, responsible, "good" man to someday marry and have children with.

(2). Have a guy that can dominate her sexually and completely see her dirty side.

 

She hopes these two guys never meet.

 

EH EH EH

 

So very true.

[karnak]

An adult who has exhibited disingenuous behavioral patterns in the past is not likely to wake up one morning with inherent personality traits consistent with high integrity. They can inhibit behavior to comply with what is deemed socially acceptable in order to avoid the consequences of their actions, but that's not the same as reversing their predispositions.

 

 

Very true too.

 

Many people come to Loveshack wondering what has happened and why their beloved and sweet husband/wife suddenly turned into some sort of cheating/selfish monster.

What they failed to see is the background of their former spouse. So many sordid stories are hidden behind a facade of kisses, hugs and sex.

 

Not to mention that some people just want to forget that their husband or wive even had a past to begin with. They seem to think that their lover's life only started after they met them.

[ffw]

So people can never change? I've cheated on a girl before, but I have no desire to cheat on her, or anyone anymore for that matter.

 

 

The change has to come from within. People can change only if there truly wanst to & not because of others.

[strongnrelaxed]

Your questions were:

What can I do? How do I get over this?

 

Would this bother you?

 

First of all, it would bother me. But I would also be grateful for finding this out early. You are BOTH wrong for snooping on each other. You had the moral high ground until you snooped. Never do that unless you have to.

 

To me there seem to be three options:

 

First, you can enjoy this relationship for what it is. A fun transition to the next relationship you will have. She has clearly sent you a message (intentionally or not) and she is not going to be faithful. Suck it up! Sometimes these sorts of relationships can be the most memorable of our lives - as long as we do not take them too seriously. End it when you know the time has come to end it or if it become too hard for you.

 

The other option is to believe that she will be faithful to you and hope for the best. You know deep down that this is not the right option. Be careful. You have been warned!

 

The final option is to leave now. If you are in love with her and really expect her to be faithful, you are not ready for a complex relationship like this. She will hurt you.

 

Be careful not to demonize or hate her for this. She is young and doing what young people do. NEVER judge her for this. Let other people do the judging. If you cannot handle it, get out.

 

Good luck. These feelings are complicated and can be confusing to both men and women. You are not alone and you are not the first man to experience this.

[road]

Your questions were:

What can I do? How do I get over this?

 

Would this bother you?

 

First of all, it would bother me. But I would also be grateful for finding this out early. You are BOTH wrong for snooping on each other. You had the moral high ground until you snooped. Never do that unless you have to.

 

To me there seem to be three options:

 

First, you can enjoy this relationship for what it is. A fun transition to the next relationship you will have. She has clearly sent you a message (intentionally or not) and she is not going to be faithful. Suck it up! Sometimes these sorts of relationships can be the most memorable of our lives - as long as we do not take them too seriously. End it when you know the time has come to end it or if it become too hard for you.

 

The other option is to believe that she will be faithful to you and hope for the best. You know deep down that this is not the right option. Be careful. You have been warned!

 

The final option is to leave now. If you are in love with her and really expect her to be faithful, you are not ready for a complex relationship like this. She will hurt you.

 

Be careful not to demonize or hate her for this. She is young and doing what young people do. NEVER judge her for this. Let other people do the judging. If you cannot handle it, get out.

 

Good luck. These feelings are complicated and can be confusing to both men and women. You are not alone and you are not the first man to experience this.

 

 

If you suspect an employee stealing from you, you are right to snoop and gather evidence.

 

Being in a relationship and to suspect your mate of doing harm to you it is your right to snoop and gather evidence.

[drifter777]

We weren't "officially" in a relationship until 3 days later. She was open and honest about everything when I talked to her. I believe her, but I can't get it outta my head.

 

You can't get it out of your head and you feel as though it was totally inappropriate. If it bothers you this much, why put up with it? She's not girlfriend material so why do you want to have a relationship with a girl like this? Life is too short - drop her and find another girl. You will forget about her and all this bullsh*t in a week or two.

[strongnrelaxed]

If you suspect an employee stealing from you, you are right to snoop and gather evidence.

 

Being in a relationship and to suspect your mate of doing harm to you it is your right to snoop and gather evidence.

 

You make a good point. If he were married, I would agree. In this sort of relationship, I would trust my gut. If she seems shady and these things all come to light, I would prefer to just walk away.

 

This is not stealing. There is no court case. Snooping just lowers you to their level. Sure you get the proof. But do you REALLY need evidence? I do not. Be an ass with me and play games and I walk. No dramas are necessary.

 

I suspect that snoopers, people with no scruples and some women would disagree with me on this.

 

I am putting it out there for men to read. Men - you have been warned.

[drifter777]

You make a good point. If he were married, I would agree. In this sort of relationship, I would trust my gut. If she seems shady and these things all come to light, I would prefer to just walk away.

 

This is not stealing. There is no court case. Snooping just lowers you to their level. Sure you get the proof. But do you REALLY need evidence? I do not. Be an ass with me and play games and I walk. No dramas are necessary.

 

I suspect that snoopers, people with no scruples and some women would disagree with me on this.

 

I am putting it out there for men to read. Men - you have been warned.

 

Totally agree. There is no reason to put yourself and her through all the pain and drama of this mess. Break up and start over.

[navyblueskies]

I've seen this so many times. I would say that someone with a history like that, and intentions to be so sly, even right before you were "official" will probably never change unless they are satisfied with love. I'm not one to speak. I have my own issues. I will say that it's easier for girls separate their feelings based on the person, whereas guys typically see women embodying the same perception, unless you establish that "dirty side" of yourself ahead of time. You can do one of three things. You can one, endure the relationship, live in fear, torment yourself with your own thoughts and suspicions, and take the high probability (50-70% chance) that this specific kind of girl may cheat on you, with you knowing or not knowing. Or, you could start over and invest in someone more dedicated and worthwhile your time. Don't worry about her having sex after you break up, because she would do it anyway. Three, you can attempt to bring out your "dirty side" and treat her badly. Let her know that you can be the good guy who's faithful and holds her at night. Also take her out for shots and treat her like she's dirty. She'll see that you have the potential in you be a "bad guy." Sorry, but that's the kind of girl you got now. From having sex with two guys so soon and sending that picture, you're in helm's deep now. You have to realize that you're probably going to have to change yourself, if she doesn't change sooner. My key advice: break up with her, go to OKCupid (shamelessly), and find a real match for you. I can guarantee after two or three dates with more compatible women, they will totally be worth your while. Don't be afraid to be confident and daring when you do it. Good luck, buddy.

[It's Just Me]

Holy crap on a cracker, Jons511. Walk away, buddy. This is so stupid on so many levels, it's not even funny. And get yourself checked for an STD.