me :)

[Hurting Heart]

Hi Everyone,

I am in a tough sitaution at the moment and I would really appreciate some advice from people who can relate to me get ready this is quite a story!!

 

Me and my now ex boyfriend have been together for 8 years and were both only 22 years old so we started young. We have had our ups and downs through the years but we both saw a future together. My sister got accepted into school in BC and I decided I would like to move for the experience, at least be there 1 year and my boyfriend agreeded he would like to join me. About 2 months before we were leaving he was really slacking on finding a job and I was putting pressure on him because we both planned to save as much money as possible. I got very annoyed with him and I broke up with him becasue I didn't think he was taking this seriously I told him a few times I didn't want him to come (I regret saying that I was just angry) I wanted him to come all along I just needed to know he could step up and take care of me. He was upset after we broke up we still kept in contact and he was quite upset that he even texted my mom saying "I CAN'T let her get on that plane with me" and he showed up at my house one night crying to me saying all he wants to do is work fulltime out there and wake up to me everyday. I was shocked to see him in the first place we were broken up for almost a month when that happened.... I didnt go running back to him but we still kept in contact he knew I still loved him about 3 or 4 days later I told him that I wanted him to move with me because even though he made me angry I still loved him and did not want to regret later being stubborn. He is also a mamas boy so I thought the move would help him grow up.

 

When I did contact him days later he said he no longer wanted to be together and he had time to think about things? days? He said we were just conforterable in our relationship and he didn't want that... this was a month and a half before I was moving as time went on I found out he started dating this random 20 yr old girl quickly and as each day went on things got worse I did cry and try to get him back it didn't work. He told me no longer loved me anymore and he loved her??? After 8 yrs I did not even get a proper goodbye he texted me before I left and said how happy he is with this girl that he wants to be friends in the future and he hopes I can be happy with someone. He also deleted be from fb when he changed his status "in a relationship" and he took off all the pictures of us together... I am still hurt because I feel I have no closure and the information he did tell me was bull****.. I havent talked to him in 2 weeks. My friends and family say he did all this because he didn't want to move if so why didn't he have the guts to tell me and I actually did ask him was he only doing this because I was moving he said no he really did want to move but by the time I came back it was too late ? Days? Anyone have any insights on this??

[PepperPotts]

I'm not really sure this is appropriate for the LDR forum...

 

But in response to your post, guys make exactly zero sense sometimes. When they get stressed, they react in strange ways. Or, at least, they're strange to us. You should consider reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus for some insights into how guys interpret our actions and words.

 

This answer might sound harsh, and it's just an interpretation based on what you've posted. I don't know all the facts, so I could be wrong. But this is what I see.

 

From what I'm reading, it seems to me that you kind of blind-sided him. You were leaving for an adventure after eight years together. To him, it seemed like you were telling him he wasn't enough for you. You needed other experiences.

 

So he tried to go with you, but then you reacted poorly. You pressured him into finding a job, assuming that he wasn't trying. Basically, he was once again hearing "I'm not good enough for her."

 

So you dumped him, confirming what he had already suspected.

 

He mourned for a month, becoming increasingly frustrated with the fact that he was both dependent on you and deprived of you. So he tried to get you back. He tried to fix what he perceived to be the problem.

 

He chased you, and when he caught you you told him you loved him, but he made you angry, and you wanted him to come with so you wouldn't have regrets later. In other words, he once again heard that he wasn't quite good enough, but he'd do, just in case you didn't find something better.

 

Did you tell him he was too attached to his mother? If so, that pushed him further away as well.

 

After a conversation that didn't give him the catharsis he was hoping for, he went home and thought about things. He thought about the solution he thought would work, but that left him feeling just as empty and hurt as before. When one solution doesn't work, you try another-- he quit. Dumping him made you happy, so maybe dumping you would make him happy.

 

He found another girl who didn't seem to find him lacking (and twenty is not exactly a big jump from twenty-two), and she was interesting. So he found a new solution that would make him feel better, and the more she made him feel better the more attached he became. And the more certain he became that being with you was not what was best for him.

 

Eight years is a long time, but without proper communication it can also build up a lot of tension and resentment. And sometimes that all comes to a head when added stress (like a major, sudden move) is put on a relationship. I'd say he really did want to move with you, but then you dumped him. You can't expect him to want to stay with someone he feels doesn't think he's good enough and who needs an adventure to make up for all she's lacking in her life that he can't provide.

 

Again, I apologize if that all sounds harsh. I'm really sorry for your pain, and I hope your time away will help you heal.

[Hurting Heart]

Well, Maybe your right and this was my fault. I never once thought that he was not good enough I told him he has so much potential that he does not use. I don't think he has as much confidence as I think he should have. I never did tell him that he was too attached to his mother I just know that he is it is a fact. I also have talked to his family about this and they all feel he was fearful or not ready for the move. To me this whole thing is bull**** and things never should have came to this so there was for sure communication problems. I miss him everyday I am here. I pictured us living together, we did talk about marriage and having a family someday... I thought he was the one and he said the same about me we were serious and I thought this was the first step of us making our life together.... I think he def needs some growing up to do and I also need to work on some things. If he really did feel like you say "not good enough" then he should have told me and I would have explained myself.. I told him I just wanted the best for us and I wanted to know that I could depend on him as a man to take care of me... Throughout this I hope him being with someone else he and I will both realize the mistakes we made and we will get through this he has my hearttt <3

[PepperPotts]

I don't mean to suggest it was necessarily your fault. Just that guys interpret any unhappiness on our part as blame on them. So it's not that you really were saying he wasn't good enough, it's that that's how he might have seen it.

 

Sorry, I'm not so great at explaining... again, MafM, WafV explains it really well, and you can find a lot of it online.

 

If it really is meant to be, it'll happen. If not, the healthiest thing for you will be to move on. Be his friend for now. See how things progress with the new girlfriend. If they go well, don't try to mess them up. If that ends, get back in there.

 

For now, the best thing to do is to make the most of your time away. You said you needed the experience-- take it. Grow as a person and do things you couldn't do as part of a couple. Rediscover *you,* and then you can think about a relationship, even if it's not this one.

 

Best of luck!! Everything will turn out the way it should in the end!

[Hurting Heart]

Thank you and I understand where you comming from he did say he wants to me friends in the future but he said we shouldn't talk for a while because he has a new girlfriend and I have not said, texted or phoned him since then and that was 2 weeks ago or a bit longer... he also said that we had good times together but its over now and that we will never get back together? I have heard him say those things before so im unsure if their true.. It does feel good being in a new area no drama is around me.. I will be home for Christmas so I am hoping things will maybe be better by then and I will get a chance to see him and maybe we could have a fresh start. In anyone's opinion do you think me being away will make it easier for him to move on because I will not be in sight or or will I be on his mind because I am in a new place where he was suppose to be with me and he will not see me for a peroid of time? That's my biggest FEAR!!!! He also did delete me from fb and all of our pictures together there was a lot of our relationship on his fb that also makes me nervous ughh...

[PepperPotts]

It might make it easier for him to move on, or it might make it harder. It just depends on the relationship and the person :/

 

My advice is to not focus on him right now. Let him go. See where you are at Christmas, but don't linger on it. You've got four months until then, so have fun! Meet new people, date new guys, explore new hobbies and interests. Enjoy being YOU for now, and whatever happens at Christmas happens. If you spend all your time until then dreading/longing, you'll be miserable now, and you could be even more miserable then.

 

IMHO, deleting everything from Facebook is cleaning house. He's trying to start over. Maybe it won't work, but in case it does, maybe you should try as well.

 

Protect your heart, honey!

[Hurting Heart]

Yes I agree I have kind of been hiding out but yesterday me and my sister went shopping and later on that night we went to a pub and just had a drink nothing big but it was something and it did make me feel a little better. I have no remember that no matter what I do it won't bring him back, he has to come back on his own and in time. Two years ago me and him broke up it was mutal because he just didn't seem to care about the relationship anymore and never made time for me. We both dated other people mine (last a month) and if it wasn't for the guy asking me out I never would have, it did help me a little bit however all I did was compare the 2 and I had no interest in the new guy whatsoever. My ex dated a girl for 6 months and by the point I had no hope I was numb I would say and I just realized reality. His friends would tell me he wants to get back together he has been talking about you and I was like noway. It did take him a while to even talk to me I think he was nervous.. lol

 

One random night he called me and I knew it was him and I was like omggg this is so weird and we ended up getting back together... I thought that he cared so much for this girl, we barly talked within those 6 months, I hardly saw him just because we didn't go to the same places, he isn't a drinker or partyer but he did start drink at that time. When we got back together he said he did not like this girl one bit, he wanted to be with me, he compared us all the time yet he dated her for so long? He told me he didn't want to run back to me because he said all his friends said he would get back together with me and he didn't want to prove them right. How stupid, I was in pain thinking we were done and this was what was really going on.... so I try to keep this is mind when I feel upset. However this girl and him are considered "bf/gf" and this is the first gf he had other then me sooo things could be different this time around, when we were friends on fb he put so many statuses about him and her and just bragging in general he never did that before when we were together. Once we didn't become friends anymore he slowed it down a bit (I can still see everything because he has no privacy settings, I dont know if he did that on purpose or what). He still does put statuses about the 2 of them but I'm like who are you trying to impress? He put one the other night about them going to bed together at 3 in the morning ugh that just made me sick when I saw it but like why would he do that? Prove to just people in general that he is ok. Also just friends of mine have also noticed her fb show and said wow you can really tell how real their relationship is... just because why would you feel the need to flaunt unless your trying to prove something.

 

I am nervous tho how everything is going to work out I try to keep a positive mindset and remember all the memories we has together. Eight years is a long time how can he just randomly meet someone and everything be great. I think it is hard to find someone you have feelings for and who you connect with. He also did not date for a peroid of time he met her at work and she just got out of a 2 yr relationship so maybe their rebounding eachother?

[Hurting Heart]

Anyone have a opinion???