why is my husband attacking me!?!?

[Spark1111]

I have only told one friend, who lives in another state and my brother who I can trust 100% to not tell my family.

 

Well, it is time for rose to figure out what type of relationship, marriege she wants, and what will be expected and reasonable to expect from your H!

 

Why NOT tell him that since he so seems to miss her, you give him permission to go be with her....forever.

 

When he confessed to the affair, what consequences did he face from you?

 

You sound very kind. Were you too kind?

 

He doesn't get to say what he will or will not do to reconcile.

 

YOU do.

[Spark1111]

Yes, I love him with all my heart. I can get past this if he confesses EVERYthING to me. And your right, I will never heal and I will always be suspicious if he holds back on me.

 

he has already told me that he will not tell me any information about her and if what he has told me isnt good enough for me, that is the end of this marriage. He will not tell me any more.

 

Then I think it is the end of the marriage.

 

I'm sorry.

 

As long as he is more concerned with protecting her feelings and her privacy from YOU, his wife, then that pretty much tells you where his loyalty lies.

 

and it is not with you now. It is with her.

 

Can you go to your brother's for awhile? Can you go and be with people who love and support rose for a while?

 

I know there is so much to process for you right now. I know how painful it is.

 

I just do not want to see you tortured by his pining away for his OW and then yelling at you for asking normal questions any BS would ask.

 

Call his bluff. Pack a bag. The marriage is over....at least for now.

[roseforme]

Well, it is time for rose to figure out what type of relationship, marriege she wants, and what will be expected and reasonable to expect from your H!

 

Why NOT tell him that since he so seems to miss her, you give him permission to go be with her....forever.

 

When he confessed to the affair, what consequences did he face from you?

 

You sound very kind. Were you too kind?

 

He doesn't get to say what he will or will not do to reconcile.

 

YOU do.

 

Last night, I told him to go be with her. Obviously, he has feelings for her, though he denies it.

 

I was in shock when he confessed. And, I was more concerned about saving the marriage. He was in shock with my response and cried when I told him I still wanted to save the marriage. I really believed it was 100% over at the time. I told him I want him to call me before he leaves work every night, and he usually does. However, he has 1 hour lunches and being store manager, he can leave work at all hours of the day without me knowing.

 

I was WAY too kind!

 

Sadly, he is a master manipulator and he knows how to play everyone so he always gets what he wants.

[roseforme]

I also added she was trash, and to go enjoy life together with this POS,, he yelled back saying "I know she is TRASH!" So, Im baffled here. How can he call her trash if he has feelings for her?

[freestyle]

Kicking him out may be the only way to save your marriage.

(if that's what you really want)

 

 

It may also save your self-esteem.

 

And it should be HIM leaving, not you. He chose to step out of the marriage, there's no reason that you should be the one inconvenienced by having to relocate.

 

 

 

There are a couple of posters who took that route, and are well into their reconciliation.

 

Sometimes a WS needs that serious reality check to blow away the affair fog.

 

If it doesn't work--at least you haven't wasted any more of your time on someone who's already checked out.

[roseforme]

There is a lot I need to learn here. I dont know about the "affair fog". I will read into it later today. Right now, I am focused on getting him to tell me who she is and how I can contact her to hear her side. Im pretty sure, Im going to feel MUCH differentlly if and when I ever speak to her. Which, is obviously why he will keep this info confidential from me.

 

He came home for lunch today and apologized for being an azz to me last night and promised no music tonight while he continues renovating the kitchen. This was supposed to be OUR project. And he said we will work on it together tonight. He will be off for the next 2 days, so I will have this time to try and get the info out of him w/o him contacting her asking or begging her to not give me the time of day and hang up on me. Though, Im sure he has told her this already. I just dont know how she feels about all this.

 

How should I handle this? If I demand or get angry, he automatically shuts me out.

[TaraMaiden]

Rose, it'as not going to work.

because you will never, EVER get the information you seem to want, out of him, ever. It's not a happening thing.

Whatever questions he may answer - you will simply have more to ask.

And here's the thing:

He knows this - and he knows that it's what keeps you there.

As long as he doesn't answer - he's got you where he wants you.

 

You have a choice:

Shelve the multiple questions - and stay.

Shelve the multiple questions - and leave.

 

Or rather - get him to leave....

 

Either way - you have to stop asking - because no matter what or when or how or why you ask - He - will - never give - you - what - you - need.

 

C-L-O-S-U-R-E.

 

This is not the way you will have peace of mind. The only way is to drop it - and determine what is really important.

 

YOU.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

sorry you are in the place you are in right now...it can be so painful, and you have my sympathy and commiseration...

 

 

You've just had your world turned upside down, and it can be eally hard to make decisions at a time like that.

 

Mu recommendation to you would be that you tell your husband that you are going to need some time on our own to sort out your feelings. Then , if you can go stay with your brother for a few days to give yourself some time to think without your husband's influence. Take some time and decide what you want. If it's reconciliation, then decide what that will need to look like for you. What will you need from him for a reconciliation to work? Once you've had some time to think, talk to your husband and let him know your thoughts and what you need...also, make sure that he knows that if he is not willing to do some very "heavy lifting", you will leave...not because you don't love him, but because you love yourself too.

 

good luck to you, and i hope things get better

[roseforme]

Rose, it'as not going to work.

because you will never, EVER get the information you seem to want, out of him, ever. It's not a happening thing.

Whatever questions he may answer - you will simply have more to ask.

And here's the thing:

He knows this - and he knows that it's what keeps you there.

As long as he doesn't answer - he's got you where he wants you.

 

You have a choice:

Shelve the multiple questions - and stay.

Shelve the multiple questions - and leave.

 

Or rather - get him to leave....

 

Either way - you have to stop asking - because no matter what or when or how or why you ask - He - will - never give - you - what - you - need.

 

C-L-O-S-U-R-E.

 

This is not the way you will have peace of mind. The only way is to drop it - and determine what is really important.

 

YOU.

 

So hard to accept this! Its so hard bc the more research I do, the more same answers I get. WS' are all the same and most BS' feel the same. Very discouraging.

 

I was just reading this article on whether BS' should contact the OW and the basic answer is NO. I know damn well he is still in contact with her and under the "fog" still, though he keeps denying it. I dont want a divorce, and I sure as hell dont want him to move out. I want reconciliation but, he has to work with me. He tells me he still wants to be married to me, and will go above and beyond to prove it to me. But how? I dont see it. All is see is him "grieving" and shutting me out. Its so hard to put trust and faith in someone with pretty words but ugly actions.

[roseforme]

OP,

sorry you are in the place you are in right now...it can be so painful, and you have my sympathy and commiseration...

 

 

You've just had your world turned upside down, and it can be eally hard to make decisions at a time like that.

 

Mu recommendation to you would be that you tell your husband that you are going to need some time on our own to sort out your feelings. Then , if you can go stay with your brother for a few days to give yourself some time to think without your husband's influence. Take some time and decide what you want. If it's reconciliation, then decide what that will need to look like for you. What will you need from him for a reconciliation to work? Once you've had some time to think, talk to your husband and let him know your thoughts and what you need...also, make sure that he knows that if he is not willing to do some very "heavy lifting", you will leave...not because you don't love him, but because you love yourself too.

 

good luck to you, and i hope things get better

 

Thank you for your support. Sadly, my brother lives 7 states away and I have 3 little babies (my dogs) to take care of here. Its also hard to even "think" now. Im blinded by love, and my preconceptions of him. It is so hard to let go and throw everything away that I have devoted myself to for the last 10 years. Im fighting so many demons here and I dont know how much more I can take on. Its so sad how one day, you are content with your S and the next day, its all thrown away. Without any say so in the matter, everything you have worked for and loved has just been dumped out the window like garbage. It hurts me so much, and yet, he doesnt seem to care too much. He refuses to acknowledge my feelings and the pain he has engulfed me in which makes me feel even angrier. Monday or Tuesday I am making an IC appt. I hope I get a good one!

[Furious]

So hard to accept this! Its so hard bc the more research I do, the more same answers I get. WS' are all the same and most BS' feel the same. Very discouraging.

 

I was just reading this article on whether BS' should contact the OW and the basic answer is NO. I know damn well he is still in contact with her and under the "fog" still, though he keeps denying it. I dont want a divorce, and I sure as hell dont want him to move out. I want reconciliation but, he has to work with me. He tells me he still wants to be married to me, and will go above and beyond to prove it to me. But how? I dont see it. All is see is him "grieving" and shutting me out. Its so hard to put trust and faith in someone with pretty words but ugly actions.

 

 

He knows you won't kick him out, he knows he can do whatever he wants, he knows you are desperate to keep him.

 

In his mind you are just nagging him with all your questions, whatever you say is just hot air, he doesn't take you seriously and doesn't give a damn how much you're hurting.

 

If you want the truth, you've got it, maybe not the details, the truth is he cheated, has no remorse, has no respect for you.

 

I wish you would love yourself more than this. You are a sweet loving woman, you are worthy of more than this.

[roseforme]

He knows you won't kick him out, he knows he can do whatever he wants, he knows you are desperate to keep him.

 

In his mind you are just nagging him with all your questions, whatever you say is just hot air, he doesn't take you seriously and doesn't give a damn how much you're hurting.

 

If you want the truth, you've got it, maybe not the details, the truth is he cheated, has no remorse, has no respect for you.

 

I wish you would love yourself more than this. You are a sweet loving woman, you are worthy of more than this.

 

Um, you nailed it on the head. The problem is I cant accept it yet. I have never given up on him. I love him so much, but clearly he is tearing me apart, and I cant even imagine what it would do to me if I lost him completely. He is a broken man, I know this. He needs IC even more than I do. His problem is he is always looking for a quick fix and that is never going to work. I still "Feel" like I have some control here, Im just not implenting it. Im so scared to lose him or push him further away. I see I have become of those "women" I said I would never be. I have devoted my heart to the wrong person (maybe) and I cant undo this.

[Furious]

Um, you nailed it on the head. The problem is I cant accept it yet. I have never given up on him. I love him so much, but clearly he is tearing me apart, and I cant even imagine what it would do to me if I lost him completely. He is a broken man, I know this. He needs IC even more than I do. His problem is he is always looking for a quick fix and that is never going to work. I still "Feel" like I have some control here, Im just not implenting it. Im so scared to lose him or push him further away. I see I have become of those "women" I said I would never be. I have devoted my heart to the wrong person (maybe) and I cant undo this.

 

 

 

He is a broken man, and no matter how much you love him, he will remain broken.

 

You can't fix him, only he can do that, and he won't change unless he hits bottom and wants to fix himself.

 

Start making steps to be free of him, put aside money, start thinking about what kind of life you want. Think about where you will live, what colors to paint the walls, imagine a safe and peaceful home where you feel comforted and in peace. Move away, as far from him as possible, where you can

make a fresh start. Begin to look forward to a life you can create that gives you happiness.

 

Change your mindset, stop thinking you are a prisoner to his dysfunction.

Edited September 1, 2012 by Furious

[Snowflower]

Thank you for your support. Sadly, my brother lives 7 states away and I have 3 little babies (my dogs) to take care of here. Its also hard to even "think" now. Im blinded by love, and my preconceptions of him. It is so hard to let go and throw everything away that I have devoted myself to for the last 10 years. Im fighting so many demons here and I dont know how much more I can take on. Its so sad how one day, you are content with your S and the next day, its all thrown away. Without any say so in the matter, everything you have worked for and loved has just been dumped out the window like garbage. It hurts me so much, and yet, he doesnt seem to care too much. He refuses to acknowledge my feelings and the pain he has engulfed me in which makes me feel even angrier. Monday or Tuesday I am making an IC appt. I hope I get a good one!

 

So pack up your 3 dogs and move to your brother's. That is absolutely no excuse to stay with him. Or, stay with a friend if you want to stay closer (because of your job or friends).

 

Look, I have been exactly where you are at. A lot of people posting on your thread have been where you are. It is horrible...I/we all understand this.

 

Unfortunately, as most have been saying here, your husband doesn't feel the same right now. As you say, he doesn't care too much. You can't love him enough to stay in the marriage with you. You need to let him go...because you need to be able to save yourself.

 

I'm so sorry, but his actions and words do not seem to show that he has any regard for you. Most WS will run hot and cold...yours just seems to run cold.

 

You know, that old saying, if you love something, let it go...and that thing that you love, well, you might find that it is yourself first and foremost.

[threebyfate]

Um, you nailed it on the head. The problem is I cant accept it yet. I have never given up on him. I love him so much, but clearly he is tearing me apart, and I cant even imagine what it would do to me if I lost him completely. He is a broken man, I know this. He needs IC even more than I do. His problem is he is always looking for a quick fix and that is never going to work. I still "Feel" like I have some control here, Im just not implenting it. Im so scared to lose him or push him further away. I see I have become of those "women" I said I would never be. I have devoted my heart to the wrong person (maybe) and I cant undo this.

You are responsible for your own life. He's responsible for his own. You're not a victim of love. You're an adult.

 

Ask yourself why you would ever allow anyone to treat you this way. Pull out your pride, self-esteem and personal courage. Wear them like badges. Tell the cheater you're out and gone. Enough is enough.

[TaraMaiden]

He is a broken man, and no matter how much you love him, he will remain broken.

 

You can't fix him, only he can do that, and he won't change unless he hits bottom and wants to fix himself.

 

......

Change your mindset, stop thinking you are a prisoner to his dysfunction.

 

Good post - And the above should be a mantra.

That's just brilliant.

Sorry, but it is.

 

 

"Stop thinking you're a Prisoner to someone else's Dysfunction."

 

Best line I've read this year, I think.

[Spark1111]

Rose you can't MAKE him tell you.

 

But you can tell him that unless he divulges all you need to know, you can never reconcile with him. As long as he protects her, he is not protecting you and helping you heal. While you love him, you need a man who will help you heal from HIS infidleity, and it doesn't look like it's him. He is not stepping up to the plate.

 

Ball in his court.

 

Pack a bag, pack up your dogs, and go somewhere that he cannot reach easily.

 

Stay calm and confident, even if you have to fake it until you make it. If he starts any conversation without telling you her name, and EVERYTHING else you need to know, tell him that and hang up.

 

Be done with his nonsense. Really done.

 

Otherwise nothing will change for you.

 

I also would not name call the OW. It really is not important. But YOU are.

 

Act it, please.....

 

If he loves you and wants you, he will beg you back.

 

If he doesn't or can't, he is a child....and your marriage will never be any different.

 

We teach people how to treat us. Do not be his kind, understanding, enabling door mat. Not even for love.

 

Because if you do, you will never be respected by him. He will cheat again.

 

Is that the marriage you want?

 

It is time for him to grow up and ACT like a man who cherishes his wife.

 

Stop trying to help him. Empower yourself.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

it sounds like you feel like you are almost spinning out of control and getting swept along by events over which you have no control.

I know it seems really hard right now, but it's time to start taking back some of the control over your life that you have lost. That may sound like a herculean task right now, but trust me, once you do it, even if it's just tiny steps at first, you start to feel a bit better...

 

a first thing would be to try and find some time for yourself. If you can't go to be with your brother, do you have a friend you could stay with? Could you get away for a weekend to a local hotel? ( your husband can take care of the dogs for a few days I'm sure)? Just having a few days to yourself can help clear your head a bit and give you some time to just breathe. Once you have done that, try and figure out what your options are. I'd advise seeing a lawyer to find out what your options are and what your rights/responsibilities are in this situation. This doesn't mean your marriage is over, but the more information you have, the more in control you'll feel. Then you really do need to tell your husband how you feel, even if he doesn't like it. You need to have your voice heard right now, don't be afraid of that. If you feel that you need to have contact with his other woman in order to begin healing, then do so. But I would advise you to really think about what you want from that contact. One thing that I have heard advised is for a betrayed spouse and other woman to have one meeting or contact, during which the betrayed spouse is allowed to ask whatever questions she/he may feel they need o ask, and the other man/woman will answer as honestly as possible ( that's why it's a good idea to prepare first). After that, no more contact, as it's not good for either party.

One more thing...whatever you decide, it's okay if you make mistakes along the way, or if you just need some "time out" for yourself. Reconciliation is hard, hard work, and it's not right for every situation. depending on the situation, sometimes ending the marriage is what's best. Take some time and decide what's best for you ( this comes form someone who was able to reconcile...it's been a it more than 3 years now)

 

best of luck to both you and your husband

[MammaMia]

Never tell your H you are going to contact OW. Never. He will talk to her and both of them will agree on what lies she should tell you. Most likely what you heard from him. Surprise her and see her reaction. That should be your clue.

 

 

If you can afford it, hire a PI and have him follow your H. You will find out everything you want to know and more.

 

Can you put a keylogger in his computer? If so, do it asap. You will find out if there is online communication. But the best money you will spend is on a PI. When you find out who she is, tell him NOTHING. If you want to contact her, do so and let these two scumbags get the surprise of their life.

 

And last but not least: Never tell him how you found out who she is. Never, ever reveal your sources.

[awkward]

You think that by being nice and giving your husband time that he will turn to you and love you, only you. It won't work. He won't respect you, he will treat you like a doormat, and he might resume the affair if he hasn't already. This approach will NOT work. This will not save your marriage.

 

If you want to save your marriage you need to cut him off. SWIFTLY. If he doesn't want to protect you and your marriage, he needs to leave - NOW. File for divorce. Have him served ASAP. Do not have any conversations with him that do not begin with him giving you the information you need to heal. Do not except less than the absolute truth. Do not let him think you are waffling. Even if you don't feel strong, you have to act strong.

 

Do not call him. Do not cry to him. Do not text him. Do not email him. Do not answer calls from him until he is ready with the truth. Maybe he will decide the marriage is more important and will come back ready to grow. (At that point you can halt the divorce.) If he doesn't decide you are more important, you will already be on your way to healing.