roseforme Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I am about 2 months past Dday and I have done nothing wrong. I have never cheated on him in the 10 years we have been together/married and Im proud of that. I couldnt hurt him or myself by lowering myself to those levels. He has been acting a little strange lately. Nothing major, but, I have been wondering if he is seeing her or thinking about her again lately. Tonight, he started in on me and accused ME of cheating and called me fake. I asked why and he just keeps repeating himself. No reasons, Im just fake and cheap apparently. I came out and told him if he wants to be with this "woman" go for it, and stop being a coward and treating me like this. He got angry and screamed she is TRASH and does not want to be with her. I am soooo confused.
freestyle Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 It's not unheard of for a WS to accuse the BS of cheating--- Some individuals who can't process shame & guilt will accuse an innocent party of the very thing that they're guilty of. Which is incredibly unfair, as well as being a sign of disordered thinking. Are the two of you in MC, or IC, as you're attempting to reconcile? 4
Author roseforme Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 It's not unheard of for a WS to accuse the BS of cheating--- Some individuals who can't process shame & guilt will accuse an innocent party of the very thing that they're guilty of. Which is incredibly unfair, as well as being a sign of disordered thinking. Are the two of you in MC, or IC, as you're attempting to reconcile? I would love to go to MC, and he has agreed in the past, but he changes his mind constantly. I feel like Im married to Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. He has been avoiding me for the last week. And denies that he is. I know it takes 2 to make a M work, and it seems like its only me trying here. Very frustrating and heartbreaking. Esp. being accused of cheating when I have never done it. I should add though that shamefully, I did think about it during the time we were not talking and when he was having his affair (I believed he was cheating at the time, but had no proof). I had this crazy fantasy of being with a much younger guy and I thought it through and realized there was no way I could go through with it. When my H confessed to his A, I confessed about my thoughts and told him I joined some dating sites (I was looking for something online, not physical but I couldnt even do that so I canceled all the accounts I had opened the next morning.) That is the truth. So now, he is accusing me of having a PA with this young guy that was hitting on me at a small get together, and I shot down. If I could stoop, he would have been the one. At that point in time, my H wanted very little to do with me...I had my shot at being with a young stud...and I still couldnt do it. Im human, I have my crazy fantasies but, I also have knoweldge of right and wrong. And I will not cross that line. Well, I know I did with the dating sites..but, I couldnt go through with it.
freestyle Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 How long was his affair, and did you find out, or did he confess? I ask , because these are variables that will affect the success of a reconciliation. R is a long & hard road, and the general average is that it can take two to five years for a marriage to truly recover from an affair. (also--a friendly tip---to quote another poster in response, click where it says , "quote" in the bottom right hand margin of the post box, then hit post reply--that will separate your text from the other poster's text--) oh, and welcome to LS (LoveShack) by the way.........
Author roseforme Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 How long was his affair, and did you find out, or did he confess? I ask , because these are variables that will affect the success of a reconciliation. R is a long & hard road, and the general average is that it can take two to five years for a marriage to truly recover from an affair. (also--a friendly tip---to quote another poster in response, click where it says , "quote" in the bottom right hand margin of the post box, then hit post reply--that will separate your text from the other poster's text--) oh, and welcome to LS (LoveShack) by the way......... Thank you He confessed on his own and was remorseful when telling me "some of it". She had been hitting on him years ago (explains the xtense pills I found hidden in his car years ago) and she started calling him at work, months ago? and then one day she picked him up at work and they had their PA. This is what he has told me. He wont tell me her name, where she works...anything. He promises me he has ended it and thats all I need to know. I dont know a whole lot tbh. i just know he had a PA and Im thinking a long EA with her.
freestyle Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Thank you He confessed on his own and was remorseful when telling me "some of it". She had been hitting on him years ago (explains the xtense pills I found hidden in his car years ago) and she started calling him at work, months ago? and then one day she picked him up at work and they had their PA. This is what he has told me. He wont tell me her name, where she works...anything. He promises me he has ended it and thats all I need to know. I dont know a whole lot tbh. i just know he had a PA and Im thinking a long EA with her. It's really not his place to decide how much you need to know, considering that he's asking YOU for the favor of trusting him again. Your H did something that shattered your trust & faith in the relationship. You being willing to reconcile with him is a HUGE gift. By continuing to withhold information, and healthy communication, he's setting the R process backwards. Are you familiar with the term, "trickle-truth"? It means the BS gets his/her answers, one agonizing drop at a time, instead of all at once. All that does is delay healing, and rebuilding. Your H needs to come clean with everything you need to know--if he wants to regain your trust. Once someone has written you a couple of bad checks, it's reasonable to be skeptical about taking another one. He also needs to show absolute transparency about his whereabouts at all times (without protest) if he truly wants you to feel safe in the relationship again. That's what a truly remorseful spouse would do, to help undo the damage done. It does help that he confessed, instead of getting caught--but he's got a lot more heavy lifting to do, to set things right again. Blameshifting, by accusing you of cheating, is a step backwards. (BTW__you entertaining fantasies of a revenge affair, is nothing to be ashamed of--many BS's go through that. The important thing is that you kept your integrity intact, by not going that route. ) I'd like to recommend IC for yourself--(and your H) as well as another attempt at MC, if your marriage is going to survive this. Please keep posting--there are a lot of other posters here who've been down the same road you're on. There may be less activity here, with it being a holiday weekend, but it's fairly active here during the weeks. So, please don't get discouraged if you don't get a lot of responses this weekend. 3
johan Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I've never understood what goes on in the minds of the cheater, when they feel justified in attacking the person they betrayed. It seems to happen a lot. It's some kind of moral warp they go through, I guess, while they process what has happened since the discovery. It's opposite of what I would expect from someone who should be feeling a lot of shame and remorse, and gratitude for being given another chance. I guess that's not what they actually feel. 4
veryhappy Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Ask him to choose between going to IC or sleeping in another room. He's obviosly misplacing some emotions on you, and instead of you going crazy trying to figure him out while you are hurt, send him to someone who's paid to deal with it.
Author roseforme Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 I am between a rock and a wall with the knowing part. I truthfully, havent decided how much I want to know yet. Though I ask him questions, I really dont want him to answer. If I knew who she was, it could be dangerous for both of us. I am beyond angry and hurt. I think he knows this. I confided in my brother who is a police officer of what has happened, and he told me to not even think about it, I will be thrown in jail, and it is so not worth it. I know this. But, it hurts me so much knowing everything I have given him, including my heart, and sacrificed for him...this is what I get out of it. The anger is intense with her. With him, its a lot more pain. I really need to make an appt. for IC. I keep putting it off, bc we will have really good days and he melts my heart with love and comfort...occasionally. But, then BOOM, we, I, have my days...triggers, memories of lies he told me, anything, and Im almost right back to where I started from. I try my hardest to keep my mouth shut, bc, we are trying moving forward and enter into a new chapter of our life, but, he can tell by my facial expression I am angry, then he makes the mistake of asking why....and that usually leads to an arguement when I tell him why. Am I making the mistake of continuing to bring her up? Am I giving her too much power here? Its funny, Im angrier at her then him. I keep having visuals of me meeting her, and its not pretty how that would go. I know my thinking is wrong here. Im not focusing on the big picture. Its just so hard to deal with this. The only pain I have ever felt similar to this in my lifetime is when someone extremely close to me died. Its so cruel how others intentionally put us through this. Sorry, Im venting.
Author roseforme Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 Ask him to choose between going to IC or sleeping in another room. He's obviosly misplacing some emotions on you, and instead of you going crazy trying to figure him out while you are hurt, send him to someone who's paid to deal with it. He has no problem sleeping on the couch. He did that for a little over a year. That would only hurt me. I think he is looking for justification. if I had an A with someone, it would validate his. In his eyes..
Athena Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 He sounds guilty, like he is STILL in that affair, and is trying to pin some of his anger onto YOU and accusing you of what he feels he is. I wouldn't trust him, that likely was a PA for all this time, and not just an EA with a recent PA. WS lie a lot, especially at the beginning. And when they do, they justify themselves with a lot of angry outbursts. Don't believe what he says, dig deeper. 2
GLDheart Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 (edited) Rose, I respect your faithfullness to your marriage during that low point in your relationship. You could have gone off with that younger guy (the situation was ripe), yet you held your honor. That is a sign of good character. My Wayward EX projected as well. One night making love, she looked up at me and asked "who at your work do you have a thing for?"... Well, it turned out she was the one having a "thing" with a guy she worked with. The best I can figure it, It takes a lot of layers of crazy just to justify the actions of cheating. It then is no surprise that a wayward uses more crazy behavior to avoid the responsibilty of sifting through all that crap. So they just "yell" to shut you up and avoid the painful work it really takes. Good luck to you. This is never easy. Edited September 1, 2012 by GLDheart 1
Author roseforme Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 This is what Im trying to deal with now. Does he have feelings for her? He has put a bunch of songs on his mp3 player lately that really has me thinking. This is kind out of character for him. He added "Separated" Toto's song "I'll be over you" and many more and they are all pretty much saying the same, :you did things to me nobody ever did before...I miss you, Ill always love you"...then he put the hate songs on there as well. About failed relationships and how she abused him and ended up losing him. And lately, this is all he does when he gets home, he puts on the mp3 player and ignores me. Then accuses me and says Im controlling him and stripping away his happiness if I ask him to turn off the mp3 player so we can talk. Just talking, not about his A or anything. Everything is adding up that he has feelings for her, so why he is still married to me? Why was he crying when he confessed this to me? What is she getting out of this? Is she so insecure in her world that she needs to contribute to destroying marriages to make herself feel adequate? What is stopping him from divorcing me so he can get in a committed relationship with the one that really makes him happy?
Author roseforme Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 Also, when I told him I NEED to talk with her over the phone, he said No bc he was protecting me from her. I was like WHAT!?!? And he ended that conversation quickly. I am so pissed he has put me through all this bs, I did not ask for this and I had no choice in this hell hole he has put me in. It should be a crime for spouses to cheat, they should all do time, including the OW or OM. They get off easy, no pun intended, and the BS has to suffer for it.
Spark1111 Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Also, when I told him I NEED to talk with her over the phone, he said No bc he was protecting me from her. I was like WHAT!?!? And he ended that conversation quickly. I am so pissed he has put me through all this bs, I did not ask for this and I had no choice in this hell hole he has put me in. It should be a crime for spouses to cheat, they should all do time, including the OW or OM. They get off easy, no pun intended, and the BS has to suffer for it. Hmmmm....slept on the couch for over a year? I would guess that was as long as his affair lasted. Sounds like someone broke up with someone and he is mourning the loss of his AP. He sounds very angry and is projecting it at you unfairly. I think there may still be some contact going on. Time to dig for some evidence: phone number? text messages? emails? He may have confessed because she was threatening to tell you. He cannot protect her to you. He should tell you everything you need to know if he hopes to reconcile with you. I would throw him out and change the locks until he grows up and learns how to be an honest and devoted husband to you. You deserve it! 2
Hawaii50 Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Jesus Christo, with the acronyms. I wish I knew what anyone was saying. now to the OP! bahahaha. It's called projection.
Author roseforme Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 Hmmmm....slept on the couch for over a year? I would guess that was as long as his affair lasted. Sounds like someone broke up with someone and he is mourning the loss of his AP. He sounds very angry and is projecting it at you unfairly. I think there may still be some contact going on. Time to dig for some evidence: phone number? text messages? emails? He may have confessed because she was threatening to tell you. He cannot protect her to you. He should tell you everything you need to know if he hopes to reconcile with you. I would throw him out and change the locks until he grows up and learns how to be an honest and devoted husband to you. You deserve it! This is EXACTLY what I am thinking. I know he is hiding so much more here. How do I get him to tell me who she is though? I want to hear her side. This is what happened in my last marriage. I found my ex H's OW and she had a completely different side than he did. So many lies! There is a big reason why he wont let me contact her. I dont know what to do!
TaraMaiden Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Jesus Christo, with the acronyms. I wish I knew what anyone was saying. Jesus Christo has left the building. Will I do....?
Author roseforme Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 Jesus Christo, with the acronyms. I wish I knew what anyone was saying. now to the OP! bahahaha. It's called projection. LOL. I know. I dont know what 1/3 of the acronyms mean either. Im trying to learn myself. hahaha. I needed a laugh, ty!
Hawaii50 Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Jesus Christo has left the building. Will I do....? Yes ma'am
Author roseforme Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 OK, Im sorry. I cant take it. I need to know. No more bull/s from it. He was listening to my walkman all night last night and I just went to check what song was on there that he was listening to last night. And Toto's Ill be over you was on, and on repeat. I know he has feelings for her and this is much deeper than what he is admitting to me. How do I get him to open up to me and tell me what is really going on? I dont deserve this. This is DESTROYING me.
Spark1111 Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Thank you He confessed on his own and was remorseful when telling me "some of it". She had been hitting on him years ago (explains the xtense pills I found hidden in his car years ago) and she started calling him at work, months ago? and then one day she picked him up at work and they had their PA. This is what he has told me. He wont tell me her name, where she works...anything. He promises me he has ended it and thats all I need to know. I dont know a whole lot tbh. i just know he had a PA and Im thinking a long EA with her. Not good enough, rose.... He doesn't get to control what he does and doesn't divulge about his affair or his affair partner. If you wish to confront her or seek information from her to verify what he is saying, then that is your right to request that as a condition of STAYING MARRIED to his lying, cheating and angry azz. Time to grow a backbaone and INSIST on a few things as a condition to reconcile, otherwise you will be suspicious and unhappy the rest of this marriage. ALL the info you need, including her name, how they met, when he saw her, blah, blah, blah. IC for BOTH and MC. Any continued contact. Total transparency and remorse on his part.....not anger and projection and a refusal to communicate it all with you. Otherwise, this cannot be fixed. You alone cannot fix him or the marriage without his total cooperation. If he gets angry at you, get angrier and throw him the hell out. NEVER accept unacceptable behavior. There very well may be a better man out there for you; one who will treat you with respect. Do you love him? Do you think he loves you enough to respect your demands? Start today. It's your life and your future. Cheaters often project their partner is also cheating. They realize just how easy it is to lie to someone who loves and trusts you. They grow paranoid that you are also doing it to them. Tell him to bugger off. You NEVER slept with anyone else. Don't let him use it against you to shut you down when you have questions about the sex he DID have with someone else. 1
Spark1111 Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 OK, Im sorry. I cant take it. I need to know. No more bull/s from it. He was listening to my walkman all night last night and I just went to check what song was on there that he was listening to last night. And Toto's Ill be over you was on, and on repeat. I know he has feelings for her and this is much deeper than what he is admitting to me. How do I get him to open up to me and tell me what is really going on? I dont deserve this. This is DESTROYING me. No, you don't deserve this! Tell him when he is done mourning his affair partner, or if he is serious about a marriage with you....maybe he can come back. But for now, until he is ready to commit to YOU, you think he should go. Does anyone know about the affair? Do you have any support system?
Author roseforme Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 No, you don't deserve this! Tell him when he is done mourning his affair partner, or if he is serious about a marriage with you....maybe he can come back. But for now, until he is ready to commit to YOU, you think he should go. Does anyone know about the affair? Do you have any support system? I have only told one friend, who lives in another state and my brother who I can trust 100% to not tell my family.
Author roseforme Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 Yes, I love him with all my heart. I can get past this if he confesses EVERYthING to me. And your right, I will never heal and I will always be suspicious if he holds back on me. he has already told me that he will not tell me any information about her and if what he has told me isnt good enough for me, that is the end of this marriage. He will not tell me any more.
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