threebyfate Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 After you have been chewed up and spit sometimes it feels like the state of the world is play or be played. It's not right but when a person is angry that is how they tend to see the world.I was chewed up and spat out by the cheating ex-husband. Why play the game when all you're doing is tearing yourself down worse than your ex ever did? Once you start down that path, it's irrevocable damage to your self-esteem. Integrity matters.
Woggle Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 I was chewed up and spat out by the cheating ex-husband. Why play the game when all you're doing is tearing yourself down worse than your ex ever did? Once you start down that path, it's irrevocable damage to your self-esteem. Integrity matters. I fully agree with you. I became bitter as you all know but I never cheated on a woman after that and I am proud of that fact. Don't become what you hate. I would suggest that he find hobbies and build up other aspects of his life right now without even thinking about dating. 1
Pirouette Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Sorry but I am sick of being judged by bitter women. Women are just as bad as men. Please, take off your blinders and stop seeing this as a man vs woman thing. You're projecting you're own situation on everyone else. The bitter one here clearly is you. Our judgments, mostly I'd say, are from a moral standpoint (barring some wackos) . This is about personal responsibility, and this isn't about what your ex did or did not do. Yes, women can be just as bad as men. Yes, there are bad people in this world. The question is are you going to become one of them and are you going to do it with your eyes wide open? A few points.. a) How can I say I love a girl after a few dates? Surely liking this girl is enough to start a relationship with her and then seeing if love blossoms? You can't. Who said you should? But if you both have an agreement of exclusity than you need to honour your word. Simple. b) With regards to Spain I just meant this holiday I saw my friend living a life I had never considered, he keeps himself happy ultimately....the morality is clearly questionable and something I have never considering doing. I have found myself tempted due to the crap I have been put through. Can I really trust another women? The girl that left me was my soul mate, my best friend. We lived together and were close to being engaged. If she can do it any girl can...I hate the idea of commiting for my remaining years in my 20s and the being screwed over again having lost more years. You're friend is also demonstrating can you really trust a man? Can you trust anybody? So basically should you ever give or do anything for anybody since they can always throw it back in your face? That's something you have to decide. And what's the alternative to not committing in your 20s and where will that lead you in your life and beyond? c) I don't think I'm over the ex but I don't see how I ever truly will be. I hope another woman can make me feel strongly and love again. I used the recent holiday to let off steam and have casual sex with like minded girls...I was 100% single. Now I am considering exclusivity with the new girl. You're human and you are resilient. You will survive. But no woman can make you feel that way again if you are not open to it. Why don't you just hold off on becoming exclusive until after the trip and be 100% truthful as to why? If you are open and honest then there is nothing wrong with that. If you hide it, then clearly there is something wrong and shameful about it.
Ugh1 Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 So you think because this girl is beautiful, she will eventually cheat??? or treat you like crap? Believe it or not, women almost always are more attractive than the person they are with because they get emotionally attached, rather than sexually attached. She likes who you are, and her beauty shouldn't be such a focus for you. If it is, keep dating her, but (like I said) do not get in to a committed relationship until you love her. I don't know why you said Quote: How can I say I love a girl after a few dates? Surely liking this girl is enough to start a relationship with her and then seeing if love blossoms? You can date until you love her (if you ever will) and continue to have amazing, mind-blowing sex with whomever you want, but make sure you tell her so she can do the same and protect her heart from falling in love with you.
Ugh1 Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 I used the recent holiday to let off steam and have casual sex with like minded girls...I was 100% single. Now I am considering exclusivity with the new girl. Your original post was about how you were wanting to have your cake and eat it too. "I am just really confused what has happened to make me go from adoring a girl to now feel like I want a gf at home but carefree sex abroad when I know I can get away with it?????" Now you are considering exclusivity with the new girl, but you aren't going to definitely stop the trip to Spain? That isn't exclusivity... that is doing just want you said you wanted to do... have your cake and eat it too.
BetrayedH Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Your original post was about how you were wanting to have your cake and eat it too. "I am just really confused what has happened to make me go from adoring a girl to now feel like I want a gf at home but carefree sex abroad when I know I can get away with it?????" Now you are considering exclusivity with the new girl, but you aren't going to definitely stop the trip to Spain? That isn't exclusivity... that is doing just want you said you wanted to do... have your cake and eat it too. Seems like an astute observation. 1
Author Sameold Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 The trip to Spain was last week and when I went the potential gf in question said to me beforehand that she knew I was single and could do what I want. Since the holiday we have spoken about exclusivity and I have done nothing at all with anyone else. I'm just being honest. Basically what I'm getting at I guess is that being badly treated having invested so much can really make you question the value of things in the future. In this modern day era where it seems so many people are so keen to throw things away on a whim shouldn't I be too? I'm fed up of treating relationships with such respect for them to fall down and burn at my expense...
Ugh1 Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Yup, you should definitely risk throwing something special away on a whim like everyone else. That is the smart, honorable thing to do. (sarcasm, btw)
Author Sameold Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 This was never a question of cheating being right I know it's not, it wa mostly a thread to illustrate how hurt can alter ones perceptions. Clearly this is a fight in itself, making sure you don't become the person who hurt you do badly
ascendotum Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 I think its pretty ****ed to now cheat on your current gf and any future gfs simply because your ex did the dirty on you. I do understand your thinking, and also how your mate's behaviour tempts you but you should not do do the dirty on your gf just because you got shat on in the past. How would you like it if your gf had this mindset, and had a bunch of emotional baggage that she paid out on you for the sins of her past bfs. The shyt would just keep swirling round the bowl. Personally I thought you should stay single and trawling till you get bored with it. anyway from reading your recent posts it seems you do realise having values like your mate is not right. It will be hard on you if you go back to ibiza. Maybe go somewhere different with your girl.
Pirouette Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 This was never a question of cheating being right I know it's not, it wa mostly a thread to illustrate how hurt can alter ones perceptions. Clearly this is a fight in itself, making sure you don't become the person who hurt you do badly Sounds like your coming down from your rage induced high. Look at your sensationalist title. How'd you think people were going to react? Look, people will have the ability to hurt you for the rest of your life. That is life. You don't have any control over that. You can harden your heart and never trust anyone ever again, and some stranger can still knife you in the dark and spit on your dying body. What you do have control over is who you are at your core. You can decide for yourself the person you want to be, your values and your character, and it should matter little what anyone else does. In my experience, people tend to attract around them the type of person they expect and the energy they put out. If you're cold, using, and hateful, that's what you get back. If you're warm, kind, and giving, you'll receive it tenfold. I think you're real problem is that you no longer trust your own judgment. You fear not being able to tell the good from the bad characters. If you can't trust yourself, who can you trust? You never thought your ex or your friend would behave in such a manner, and this has shook your confidence. Have you really thought about their words and actions over the length of time that you've known them and seen if they've added up? We're you really completely blindsided? 2
Author Sameold Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 No my girlfriend was seen by all as the sweetest most innocent girl alive. My only fault with her was that she kept a lot bottled up, that goes some way to expkaining why I never saw the split coming for the life of me......depressed
Pirouette Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 No my girlfriend was seen by all as the sweetest most innocent girl alive. My only fault with her was that she kept a lot bottled up, that goes some way to expkaining why I never saw the split coming for the life of me......depressed So her only fault was breaking up with you without tons of advance warning? And now you're contemplating using people, cheating, lowering your values, etc? 1
threebyfate Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 I think you're real problem is that you no longer trust your own judgment. You fear not being able to tell the good from the bad characters. If you can't trust yourself, who can you trust? You never thought your ex or your friend would behave in such a manner, and this has shook your confidence. Have you really thought about their words and actions over the length of time that you've known them and seen if they've added up? We're you really completely blindsided? So her only fault was breaking up with you without tons of advance warning? And now you're contemplating using people, cheating, lowering your values, etc?Sameold, read these posts until it sinks into your mind their meaning. These posts have to do with the meaning of life, the meaning of being your own person, the meaning of understanding what drives you. Don't be a pansy. Stand up and be human. Grab your pride out of the cesspool, hose it clean and realize that no one completely controls their partners, that negative events happen and how you rebound, will define you as a person. Crossroads. Fork right, not down.
Author Sameold Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 You make a good point. The ex was very cowardly in the break-up though, I logged in to her facebook just after the split and found she had been flirting with a guy she works with and going on and on about how she couldn't wait to move closer to work etc....then I found out she is dating him a few weeks later despite her venomously denying anyone else had anything to do with it. She would never have told me any of this but I found out, it kills me that I had to go detective to find out what she was really capable of... You are totally correct though, at the end of the day I gave my heart and soul to someone and they cowardly decided to take that meant destroying my heart. I need to make sure I keep the respect for relationships and prove her wrong, not to get her back but to build me back up. It was the ex's birthday today and I didn't text her, as much as part of me feels I should (just because of habbit almost?) I know she is the last person who deserves to hear anything nice from me again... I hope I am not tempted to go off and cheat, I never have...I just worry that I'm never going to be able to give my heart out again with a cage around it.
CarrieT Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 I hope I am not tempted to go off and cheat, I never have...I just worry that I'm never going to be able to give my heart out again with a cage around it. I'm also concerned that you were with a friend in Spain who was cheating and you are witnessing firsthand how the game is played. This makes me question the level of integrity you have that you will keep your friend's secret without calling him on his actions. You are talking above about giving your heart away without a cage, but I would ask you to put yourself in the spot of the girl your friend is cheating on and how she is going to feel when she finds out - and that you knew about it and didn't say anything.
strongnrelaxed Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Sameold. There is clearly only one proper response to your dilemma. Get out of this relationship and have fun. Why waste your time with a woman and cheat on her when you can meet other women who will be ok with an open relationship. To try to lock one woman down while you run around is double bad. First, she is NOT going to be faithful to you. I do not have enough energy today to explain why I know this to be true - but I bet you know I am right. Second, it is absolutely 100 percent wrong to say you're committing and then cheat. Period. So, drop her. Go to Spain. Rock out and have fun. You should NEVER get married. Forget everyone who tells you that "love is like this" and "love means that" and "if you love her, you would never___" These are simplistic ideals for people who believe such childish fairy-tale versions of what love SHOULD be for every other person on earth. Love speaks for itself. You will know it when you feel it. There are no guarantees in life. All you can do is live life with integrity on YOUR terms. Dump her and move on. Be honest with her about why you are leaving. Otherwise you are a liar. The ball is in your court. Good luck.
Author Sameold Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 Just to clarify I'm only dating this girl we are not gf and bf. I think it is strange to say never get married. I've had one serious ltr and I was faithful for 4 years and it all went wrong when she screwed me over..... I am going to see the girl and in time if I realise it is wrong then obviously it will end. Re my friend I did pick him up on it but there is only so much you can say, I told him he couldn't justify it despite his efforts. I don't think it is my place to tell his gf as it would ruin our friendship. I doubt she will ever find out as he only cheats abroad and never gives out too many details.
skywriter Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Until he shares an std with his girlfriend, she'll walk around blissfully ignorant, eh?
Author Sameold Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 Yes is seems that way....In all honesty at some point he will stop and he will have had his cake and eaten it
CarrieT Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Yes is seems that way....In all honesty at some point he will stop and he will have had his cake and eaten it Or - as happened to me - the "fling" from another country calls and the fiance learns about the infidelity.
strongnrelaxed Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Just to clarify I'm only dating this girl we are not gf and bf. I think it is strange to say never get married. I've had one serious ltr and I was faithful for 4 years and it all went wrong when she screwed me over..... I am going to see the girl and in time if I realise it is wrong then obviously it will end. I see dating and gf/bf as similar things. But I get what you're saying. I cannot emphasize how wrong marriage is these days. Older men warned me. I had this attitude like "ahhhh, shut up old man. You're just bitter because you made bad choices. Women aren't like that anymore. A woman can be your friend AND a good partner AND a good wife" My youthful arrogance cost me dearly. Now I am trying to warn men far and wide that marriage is a huge mistake. It is not that relationships are a big mistake. But to sign a contract when you are in your 20's that will imprison you in multiple ways for the REST OF YOUR LIFE is insane to me. It just doesn't make sense. And if you think - "hey SNR, I can always get a divorce if it doesn't work out" then you are clearly uninformed. You should look at the divorce laws in your state. Prenuptial agreements? Ha! Good luck with that. I just received a court order that requires my employer to garnish my wages for nearly 100% of my income. That's right, you read that right- nearly 100%. On top of all of that, they are garnishing my wages. In other words, my payroll department by law is required to take that money before I can even see it! And I was never even a deadbeat dad! My lawyer is appealing this. Clearly you think it must be some mistake. It is not. It is called THE LAW. Good luck. You have been warned - just like I was. I hope you are smarter and less arrogant than I was. Women can smell these weaknesses in us and they will get you.
Author Sameold Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 Well then thank God I live in good old England where things arn't quite as complicated. I do worry about marrying though, I'd hate to get divorced.
Woggle Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 I see dating and gf/bf as similar things. But I get what you're saying. I cannot emphasize how wrong marriage is these days. Older men warned me. I had this attitude like "ahhhh, shut up old man. You're just bitter because you made bad choices. Women aren't like that anymore. A woman can be your friend AND a good partner AND a good wife" My youthful arrogance cost me dearly. Now I am trying to warn men far and wide that marriage is a huge mistake. It is not that relationships are a big mistake. But to sign a contract when you are in your 20's that will imprison you in multiple ways for the REST OF YOUR LIFE is insane to me. It just doesn't make sense. And if you think - "hey SNR, I can always get a divorce if it doesn't work out" then you are clearly uninformed. You should look at the divorce laws in your state. Prenuptial agreements? Ha! Good luck with that. I just received a court order that requires my employer to garnish my wages for nearly 100% of my income. That's right, you read that right- nearly 100%. On top of all of that, they are garnishing my wages. In other words, my payroll department by law is required to take that money before I can even see it! And I was never even a deadbeat dad! My lawyer is appealing this. Clearly you think it must be some mistake. It is not. It is called THE LAW. Good luck. You have been warned - just like I was. I hope you are smarter and less arrogant than I was. Women can smell these weaknesses in us and they will get you. I don't fully agree with you but I very much do understand where you are coming from. Behind every heartless player is somebody that made him that way.
lovebug1234 Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Good luck! you're gonna learn the hard way that girls can play games too. You're 100% responsible for you actions.
Recommended Posts