Sameold Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Hi guys, Basically in May my LTR of 4 years crashed. Typical GIGS at 25 that came from a new job, new city and living together in terrible commuting location. I loved this girl, infact a big part of me still does but I could never get back with her now and it isn't an option anyway. We had a very balanced relatiosnhip with high levels of trust, strong educations, good careers etc. NC firmly in place since end of June. Anyway, since then after a few months I have started dating a new girl. We have only been on a few dates but she seems nice. She is hot and we get on well, it does feel wierd that she isn't my ex but after a serious 4 years that must be normal? We are not in a relatiosnhip yet. Last week I went on holiday with some friends to a Spanish Island. It was one of those holidays where the girls walk around in hot pants all day and even less at night. Sex is high on the agenda and everyone paties until 6am. I ended up having pretty amazing sex with one girl (in some interesting locations one night, it was purely about sex). On same holiday I was shocked my friend who has been in a relationship for 7 years and still is tells me he looks out for himself on holiday and basically considers himself single. He slept with a girl and was texting and meeting another. He has cheated on her many times. I am his friend and will keep this quiet. He loves his gf back home but this was all about sex and for him not regretting missing opportunities to sleep with young hot women when he is older... Anyway, so now I feel like the girl I am seeing is ready for a relationship. She is hot and I guess I want to have my cake and eat it as I know that we are going back to the same place in Spain in 10 months. My friend will be "looking out for himself" again and sleeping with strangers and I am worried I will want that too. I poured my heart and soul in to my relatiosnhip with my ex and it burnt like a fire...I feel like my moral cmpass is shattered because I am now going to find it incredibly hard to not cheat when abroad, especially as my friend does it....... Please don't judge me, I'm being honest. I am just really confused what has happened to make me go from adoring a girl to now feel like I want a gf at home but carefree sex abroad when I know I can get away with it?????
GLDheart Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I'm sorry that your ex turned into a nightmare. But don't become one to this new girl. It's on you to not carry your baggage into your next relationship. If you want to act single, BE single. and one more thing: your friend is a douche. Don't become him. 10
Author Sameold Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 I'm 25, have a very good career and earn good money. I'm not immature, I went 4 years from 21-25 never even kissing another girl when in a relationship. Now it feels that my value set has changed....I'm worried about the person I've become. I'm begining to see sex and love seperately?? Does that make sense?? I would never sleep with another girl in this country but abroad where no one could ever know?? I never would have, now I just don't know.
It's Just Me Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 The way I see it, you're just not ready to be in another relationship or any kind of commitment - totally normal! Give yourself a break. You just ended a four-year LTR; I think you need some time to heal (and sow some wild oats). Go have some single-guy fun, and do not lead this new girl on. And stop worrying about what's going to happen 10 months from now! Good grief! 3
veggirl Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I agree with the others--why do you want a girlfriend when it really actually doesn't sound like you DO want a girlfriend? May wasn't that long ago, you have not been single for like ANY of your adult life. Just be single!
irin Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 you dont have to become like your friend. just be a grown up and make decision, you either want to be in a committed relationship or you dont. its actually very simple. and no your friend doesnt "love" his GF 3
BetrayedH Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Either get exclusive with the GF or go on the trip. You can't have both. If you get exclusive with the GF, leave this lifestyle in the past. If you cannot, let her go. At this point, you can be honest with her.
Author Sameold Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 Well I have decided to be exclusive with this girl. I will address any holidays in the future and I guess if I will see what happens, but I certainly don't want to hurt anyone. It is very hard though, when you leave a relationship people say that you need to leave time to get totally over it. When you loved someone so much you can't just forget it and I actually think time with another girl is hlping me see how other girls can compare. I definitely have lost a lot of respect for women but I hope in time I will think of them as people who I can develop meaningful relations with and not just sexual fantasies....
BetrayedH Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Well I have decided to be exclusive with this girl. I will address any holidays in the future and I guess if I will see what happens, but I certainly don't want to hurt anyone. It is very hard though, when you leave a relationship people say that you need to leave time to get totally over it. When you loved someone so much you can't just forget it and I actually think time with another girl is hlping me see how other girls can compare. I definitely have lost a lot of respect for women but I hope in time I will think of them as people who I can develop meaningful relations with and not just sexual fantasies.... So are you committed to canceling the Spain trip? If you want something real with this girl, you're gonna have to get honest about your past and that's going to mean not going. If you're not going to get honest with her, what exactly is the point in being exclusive with her? You don't sound like you're ready for a committed relationship. This girl is a rebound and you're going to hurt her.
Pirouette Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I definitely have lost a lot of respect for women but I hope in time I will think of them as people who I can develop meaningful relations with and not just sexual fantasies.... Because of what happened with you ex, one single woman in this world? By your logic, anyone who reads about you and your friend should lose respect for men as a whole, as you freely talk about how your friend cheats and you both seem to have questionable honour and morals. What do you think about a person who can't separate another real, living person from a sexual fantasy? Someone who cannot control their base desires and justifies betrayal with self-deluding logic of different continents and no one knowing? Someone's who's values shift and change with the wind? Even without cheating on your current relationship, you're doing her a great disservice by seeing her and believing the above.
Author Sameold Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 I guess I have seen the dark side of life and have been tempted by forbidden fruit. I understand that you can't have both and ultimately I want a girlfriend so what's more important...a long term meaningful LTR or sex with a random? The former clearly so I have some soul searching to do...
Ugh1 Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I'm sorry, but it doesn't matter what country you cheat on your GF in. Only get in to a relationship with this girl once you are in love with her. (You are NOT in love with her) Be honest with her. I would rather a guy flat out tell me now that he still wants to have sex with other women than find out 5 years down the road that he was cheating on me all along. Women LISTEN to a guy when he says he loves them. Women BELIEVE a man when he says he wants to have a future with them. We invest ALOT into a man we love. Some women are B's ... that doesn't mean you get to destroy the next one. If you tell this girl you want an "exclusive" relationship with her and you cheat, you then become a horrible human being. Sorry, but the fact that you are thinking this through now means that if you do this to her, then you deserved everything got in your last relationship and every bad thing that happens to you in later relationships because you are making a conscience choice to be a douchebag. Good luck, go see a counselor to get your moral compass back... in the meantime, leave the poor girl alone!
Negative Nancy Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I want to have my cake and eat it as I know that we are going back to the same place in Spain in 10 months. My friend will be "looking out for himself" again and sleeping with strangers and I am worried I will want that too this just proves once again that no man can be trusted
Joaquin Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 (edited) this just proves once again that no man can be trusted That's a very logical conclusion to one mans post. And op, What actually is the point of your thread. U wanna get laid, surely you don't have to go all the way to Spain. Most plaaaayars manage to pull in the local bar. Edited September 1, 2012 by Joaquin
threebyfate Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 In the game of predator, there will always be a larger predator.
BetrayedH Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 this just proves once again that no man can be trusted No, it doesn't. 1
Author Sameold Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 Sorry but I am sick of being judged by bitter women. Women are just as bad as men. I have NEVER cheated on anyone in my life, not even a kiss and in my last relationship I caught my gf who I would have died for flirting with another guy and now she is with him after 4 years of me investing my heart and soul. A few points.. a) How can I say I love a girl after a few dates? Surely liking this girl is enough to start a relationship with her and then seeing if love blossoms? b) With regards to Spain I just meant this holiday I saw my friend living a life I had never considered, he keeps himself happy ultimately....the morality is clearly questionable and something I have never considering doing. I have found myself tempted due to the crap I have been put through. Can I really trust another women? The girl that left me was my soul mate, my best friend. We lived together and were close to being engaged. If she can do it any girl can...I hate the idea of commiting for my remaining years in my 20s and the being screwed over again having lost more years. c) I don't think I'm over the ex but I don't see how I ever truly will be. I hope another woman can make me feel strongly and love again. I used the recent holiday to let off steam and have casual sex with like minded girls...I was 100% single. Now I am considering exclusivity with the new girl.
Author Sameold Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 In the game of predator, there will always be a larger predator. This is my concern, before I was too honest, caring and genuine and I got screwed over by what most people would consider to be the nicest girl in town. No way will I have let that happen again, consider this fence raised albeit with the intention to one day find true love...
threebyfate Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 This is my concern, before I was too honest, caring and genuine and I got screwed over by what most people would consider to be the nicest girl in town. No way will I have let that happen again, consider this fence raised albeit with the intention to one day find true love...You'll be consumed one day too if you keep playing this game. Step off the merry-go-round and realize that life happens to all of us, whether positive or negative. All you've done is to become what you hate. Highly self-destructive behaviour since you can no longer view yourself as someone with integrity. 2
Author Sameold Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 You'll be consumed one day too if you keep playing this game. Step off the merry-go-round and realize that life happens to all of us, whether positive or negative. All you've done is to become what you hate. Highly self-destructive behaviour since you can no longer view yourself as someone with integrity. Just to be clear I've done nothing wrong, I'm just aware of thoughts going through my head and they need outting. But yes I agree, the person I'm seeing in myself is not the person I want to be, it just seems to be the person who will get hurt the least through life.
Woggle Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Boy do I know how you feel because it is exactly how I felt after my divorce. I was through with treating women well only to get royally screwed over. I sympathize with you but don't drag innocent people into it. If you can't trust women then stay single but this woman you are seeing might be a good one and you shouldn't make her pay for your ex.
Author Sameold Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 Boy do I know how you feel because it is exactly how I felt after my divorce. I was through with treating women well only to get royally screwed over. I sympathize with you but don't drag innocent people into it. If you can't trust women then stay single but this woman you are seeing might be a good one and you shouldn't make her pay for your ex. So true, this girl has been nice and fun so far and does seem good for me. My concern is I may be punching above my weight looks wise, she is 5ft 9, blonde and has done catwalk modelling before. I'm 6ft 3 myself and in alright shape but it all just makes me think she's going to be off. She goes travelling for a few months in November next year too...I know I shouldn't be thinking so far ahead. I guess experiences shape your outlook on life.
threebyfate Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Just to be clear I've done nothing wrong, I'm just aware of thoughts going through my head and they need outting. But yes I agree, the person I'm seeing in myself is not the person I want to be, it just seems to be the person who will get hurt the least through life.Don't believe that people like this don't get hurt. It will happen and when it happens, you'll find they lack the chutzpah to be resilient. Don't follow that narcissistic road to failure since each hit leads you to need a bigger hit and on and on it goes, until they eventually meet a bigger predator who snacks on their entrails. Self-esteem begins with adherence to personal code of honour. Build it and they will come.
threebyfate Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Boy do I know how you feel because it is exactly how I felt after my divorce. I was through with treating women well only to get royally screwed over. I sympathize with you but don't drag innocent people into it. If you can't trust women then stay single but this woman you are seeing might be a good one and you shouldn't make her pay for your ex.Never understood stooping to the level of someone who cheats on you. Talk about the world's biggest fail when you become dirt.
Woggle Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Never understood stooping to the level of someone who cheats on you. Talk about the world's biggest fail when you become dirt. After you have been chewed up and spit sometimes it feels like the state of the world is play or be played. It's not right but when a person is angry that is how they tend to see the world.
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