this is my first love and there are issues and i'm having trouble coping

[cclare]

i'm a first time poster. i'm not really sure how this all works but i really need some help. really badly.

 

i've been with my boyfriend for over a year. we've had our ups and downs, we've had major fights but we've always gotten through them. but now, we haven't even had a fight and i feel like i'm going to lose him and i don't know what to do.

 

we're both juniors in college. we go to different schools, but our schools are about 30 minutes away so last year we were able to see each other once, sometimes twice a week and it worked out fine. this year, it is just the first week of school but i have a terrible time adjusting to transitions--i have major anxiety issues and this whole transition to moving onto campus away from my family is really taking its toll on me. so i would text him, and he would be very short with me. i never told him that i was upset really, because the comfort of talking to him always made me feel better. but when he was being short with me, i couldn't help but feel like i had done something wrong and he was mad at me. he has gotten mad at me for being too insecure about our relationship in the past--but i was having bad panic attacks this week and i just needed my boyfriend, so when he didn't talk to me i felt terrible and questioned him. he responded with "you're smothering me, i need time to breathe" so i said i'd leave him alone. but the next day he said he didn't know if our relationship was okay and he wanted space and not to talk to me until we had planned to see each other on monday.

 

he said that early thursday. tonight, i saw something funny that reminded me of him and i texted him just to say that it had reminded me of him. it was just a quick hello, i know i shouldn't of, but i just wanted to tell him because it thought that if we were going to talk it was going to change the subject. it was dumb of me, and now i'm so mad at myself for doing it. one of his best friends says he thinks we'll be okay and not to worry about it, but now that he hasn't texted me back tonight, i really feel like i've messed it up.

 

please help me--i haven't even lost him (yet) but i feel that he doesn't love me anymore and i know it's pathetic but he was my best friend for two years before we started dating and now i feel like i'm going to lose my boyfriend and my best friend. i just need some advice. i'll take any advice i can get at this point.

[Quiet Storm]

You have poor coping skills and are relying on him to make you feel better.

 

You are an adult. It is not his job to relieve your anxiety or to comfort you. You should have the ability to do that for yourself. If you don't, these are things that you can learn in therapy. You must learn to self soothe.

 

People don't like to feel that they are responsible for someone else's happiness.

 

you're smothering me, i need time to breathe

 

Listen to him. Right now it is too draining for him to talk to you. If you want to save this, you have to stop relying on him for your emotional well being. It's too much for a person his age to handle, and it will turn him off to you. It will make you look needy and clingy and childish.

 

His role in your life should not be the soother and comforter. That will put him in a parent role and he will lose respect for you. He should be supportive and encourage you to get help for your anxiety issues. He should listen, but he should not feel pressured to be your relief. That is just too much for him to take on at this point in his life.

 

If you want to keep him, you have to be a benefit to him... and not a liability. You need to be a positive force in his life, and he in yours.

 

Leave him be. Focus on you and how you can relieve your anxiety. Go to the gym, call a friend, make a counseling appointment. Take care of yourself, so that when you do talk to him you aren't dumping all of your issues on him.

[cclare]

yeah i know, you're right. i don't mean to be this way... i really hate being this way. i take anti-depressants and occasionally go to therapy but in all honesty, i just missed him this week. i just wanted to talk to him because i missed him. i know that was too needy, and i get that. i regret being that needy completely. i will leave him be but i just don't want to lose my best friend. that's my biggest fear and i am willing to find a new way to control my anxiety problems if thats what it takes to save the relationship. i'm just afraid that it's too late... i apologized yesterday for dumping all of my problems on him and i never got a response. and then the other text i sent today probably made it worse :/ i am really mad at myself but i will do whatever it takes at this point to save the relationship.

[Quiet Storm]

Sometimes men just need to go in their cave and take some time for themselves, and then they come back. The key is to let them come back to you AT HIS OWN PACE. He probably will. Don't push him or rush him. Try not to freak out and be patient. Work on yourself while you're waiting.

 

I know you don't mean to be this way, but when you feel like you're getting into "insecurity mode", you have to pull yourself back. Check yourself before you wreck yourself, lol. You have to tell yourself "this attitude is not healthy for me or for my relationship".

 

I know you are just looking for reassurance, but you must take responsibility for your own happiness. It really is not healthy to depend on someone that much.

 

I came from a dysfunctional family. My parents did not have the tools to model coping skills and healthy relationships. I had to figure that out for myself. It's not easy, but it's possible. You can do it, too.

 

You will be OK, with or without him.

 

The best thing to do is wait. He said he needs space. If you don't honor that, he will think you are being disrespectful. If you truly want to keep him, you have to be responsible for your own happiness and contentness (is that a word?).

 

(((hugs,cclare)))

[cclare]

thank you i appreciate the advice. i'm going to try my best to be patient. i hope he does come back sooner rather than later but i can't do anything to control it so i will just have to do things for myself until then.

 

if i need more advice i hope its ok if i come back to this forum i really am glad that i decided to post here

[cclare]

i know this is pathetic, but this is the longest we've gone without talking in over a year and it's really hard i miss him so much.. i've had a good day but when i'm alone i can't help but think about him.

 

we haven't even broken up or anything, and i'm not going to contact him until he contacts me.. but what if he never does? :/

 

it hurts because everything was perfect a week ago. he even said so himself. i just don't know what to do. all i can do is wait i guess..

[Ninjainpajamas]

"Ups and downs" as so many like to eloquently diminish and glaze over real serious relationship issues does not mean that you move beyond them just because you ignore them and put them in the back of your mind so you can move "forward".

 

There are issues in your relationship that need to be addressed, not swept under some generic rug so you can say "well every relationship has problems!"...every relationship has obstacles to over come but not every relationship is worth fighting for...in fact most are not.

 

I am fairly certain that many of these "ups and downs" are still being experienced today that you did in the beginning, they are just more apparent and less over to overlook naturally as the relationship continues on.

 

One seems to be your overwhelming insecurity and clingy behavior in this relationship, insisting to suck the life out of your partner because of your own abandonment issues. Not to mention your communication is likely dirt poor because you fear jeopardizing the relationship by applying more pressure in expressing how you feel. Therefore It's probably the same rotation of behavior in your relationship that's completely predictable and repetitive.

 

Also, unlike most women (unless they are not that interested in a man) do not need the personal space men do...especially while young. Most guys are suited yet for the 24/7 around the clock attention fest that young women require because they've built their entire lives and emotions around this relationship...regardless of whether It's even worthy of that or not. Men need time to unwind, relax and time to do the things they like to do in their spare and free time...your constant persistent attention pining will eventually become frustrating, annoying, and overwhelming where If it continues over a long period a time a man will become downright resentful of you.

 

Men like to spend X amount of time with a partner, then detach and recollect themselves and their thoughts/emotions. So just because you had a great week before doesn't mean that this guy needs a great week every week and constant attention and affection so that you feel he still loves you and cares about you....insecure people require that constant reaffirmation of "love" and thoughtfulness as If they don't stay on top of it, It's going to go away. And you can't make any man stay with you or any woman that doesn't have the emotional investment and romantic affection towards you...so no matter what you did It wouldn't make a difference If that man/woman wasn't there...eventually it slips away and you can only fight for more time until that day comes.

 

Communication is a big thing for you...It's something that you really need to work on. You really need to be able to discuss these issues and concerns with your BF in a mature and emotionally controlled way...not panicky, anxious and emotionally drowning way that overwhelms the whole communication process because you become so emotional and your insecurities take over.

 

There are a lot of things you need to learn about love...and those who are insecure are the ones that I've seen have the hardest time. They don't know how to love and take care of themselves, they only know how to cope in destructive ways...whether to themselves psychologically, emotionally or physically. And that's the big problem, until you can get yourself under control and come from a more balanced place you will do this in every relationship you have and you'll have the same recurring problems. If you don't work on and make progress with yourself you'll never be able to truly see and value what love is...a mutual and reciprocating emotion that requires vulnerability and trust.

 

You seem like someone who is way too anxious, emotionally unstable to really cope with the fluctuations in emotions that relationships will require you to. Therefore you place this dependency on another person, which no junior in college, let alone most people in life are capable of handling.

 

Relationships are not substitutes for therapists and self-work, they are merely a distraction for people who refuse to look at themselves in their mirror and face their issues because they get to sulk and be overwhelmed by these "issues" in relationship...most of in which they tend to create in one form or another, and instigate.

 

You are likely just waiting for this relationship to end or come to a close, so you can satisfy your emotional fears and worries by validating your paranoia and inability to cope and resolve your relationship issues....not to mention getting into the whole "love" topic, for someone in your position with your issues, that's a complex beast of It's own. You'll likely feel much differently about "love" years from now.

[cclare]

yes, my communication skills are poor and i need to work on them. in the beginning of the relationship, if something bothered me, i flat out told him. he gets stubborn and downright rude when you call him out on things, so i started to pick my battles. obviously that was stupid of me, but i'm not the only immature one in this situation.

 

i know i have my own issues that i'm working on. i've put a lot of thought to this and i know i can't expect him to fix all my problems and i need to do it for myself. it's going to be a step-by-step process, but i can do it... i just don't want to lose him in the process, especially since he has been in my life for years now.

 

if we do continue with our relationship, i am not going to let my anxiety get in the way. but in order for that to happen, he has to contact me in some way which he is yet to do. i am aware of the stupid decisions i've made in regard to this relationship.. i am just missing him now. i know i'm young, but i still care for him deeply.

[Ninjainpajamas]

yes, my communication skills are poor and i need to work on them. in the beginning of the relationship, if something bothered me, i flat out told him. he gets stubborn and downright rude when you call him out on things, so i started to pick my battles. obviously that was stupid of me, but i'm not the only immature one in this situation.

 

i know i have my own issues that i'm working on. i've put a lot of thought to this and i know i can't expect him to fix all my problems and i need to do it for myself. it's going to be a step-by-step process, but i can do it... i just don't want to lose him in the process, especially since he has been in my life for years now.

 

if we do continue with our relationship, i am not going to let my anxiety get in the way. but in order for that to happen, he has to contact me in some way which he is yet to do. i am aware of the stupid decisions i've made in regard to this relationship.. i am just missing him now. i know i'm young, but i still care for him deeply.

 

He acts that way because he doesn't know how to cope with the vulnerability that he feels being exposed. When you call a man out you threaten him because he wants to live in a world where he doesn't have to face his issues or problems, he wants to put the focus back on you so he doesn't have to accept them. People don't like to change, and others are horrible at being critiqued and very defensive...these are things however they are already aware of an possible insecure about already, which is why they act this way.

 

You can't put this guy on a pedestal and expect him to be there for you...this is the rotating situation that a woman like you is very vulnerable to falling back into with someone else. You created this dependency because of how you felt, now you don't want to let him go...but you did that, that was never his obligation or price to pay. That's why you can't work on yourself and a relationship and another person at the same time switching the energy and focus whenever you desire to. That's why people don't change in relationships, they just keep on with the same problem. You likely will need to break up with him and learn to depend on yourself and take care of yourself unless you want to be like this the rest of your life. Losing people is a part of life and love, something you have to accept when the time comes...you only prolong the situation and maintain your anxiety.

 

You have to learn to express yourself properly first also because expecting someone else to understand. His issues may be very foreign for him and hard to understand, which is why he may act the way he does, not to mention being immature and partly incapable of that kind of investment that you are requiring for understanding...men his age frankly can't carry that kind of weight you are giving him. But you'll always fight about things in relationship you can't properly explain and express...and some people even then won't be able to understand unless they can somehow relate, this has a lot to do with compatibility as well.

 

Of course you care for him deeply and miss him, that's something you're going to have to get used to for the rest of your life that I know of. It gets easier as you get older but it's never easy or that much easier. It's always hard to take yourself out of destructive relationships when you focus on those emotions. It is unfortunate that people choose to continue on with relationship that are no longer growing, loving, or beneficial to both people for the sake of the overwhelming fear of moving on and growing.

 

I understand how you feel, but you can't make him do anything in the end...he has to make the decision too, you'll be like many a desperate woman If you go down with the ship but I won't blame you If you did, many do...many women If not most need to be broken up with because they can't walk away. And unfortunately men have a hard time dealing with that deal to guilt, pressure and not knowing how to accomplish it...I'm sure you make it clear to him what you feel you have and how much you wouldn't want to let it go no matter what...It's something he needs to make based on how he feels, because of your history I'm sure it will be quite difficult for him because I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt you and still cares for you regardless If he is at that point of breaking up with you.

[cclare]

i told him before we even got together that it i have emotional issues that i need to work on before i get into a relationship. he insisted that he didn't care and that he would do anything to be with me.. however, when we started dating i was in an emotionally better place. i was much happier with myself than i am now. i'm not really sure what happened to make me sink back into these insecure feelings, but i am going to go to therapy to work on it. i do think we should take some space from each other while i do this, but i don't want to lose him completely.

 

he has broken up with me before, back in march. about a week later he told me how much he regretted it and he still loved me and he made a huge mistake so we got back together..but i don't think he'd feel TOO guilty about breaking up with me, since he has before.

 

earlier this week, i sent him an e-mail before giving him space apologizing for my clinginess and my emotional problems. i told him that i understand that he is supposed to be my boyfriend, not my doctor, and that i will try to work on that. like i said before, it will be a step-by-step process but i'm hoping he's willing to work with that.

[Ninjainpajamas]

i told him before we even got together that it i have emotional issues that i need to work on before i get into a relationship. he insisted that he didn't care and that he would do anything to be with me.. however, when we started dating i was in an emotionally better place. i was much happier with myself than i am now. i'm not really sure what happened to make me sink back into these insecure feelings, but i am going to go to therapy to work on it. i do think we should take some space from each other while i do this, but i don't want to lose him completely.

 

he has broken up with me before, back in march. about a week later he told me how much he regretted it and he still loved me and he made a huge mistake so we got back together..but i don't think he'd feel TOO guilty about breaking up with me, since he has before.

 

earlier this week, i sent him an e-mail before giving him space apologizing for my clinginess and my emotional problems. i told him that i understand that he is supposed to be my boyfriend, not my doctor, and that i will try to work on that. like i said before, it will be a step-by-step process but i'm hoping he's willing to work with that.

 

Hes a kid/young guy...what do you expect?

 

You know what happens when I tell a kid not to jump off something he might land on his face If he doesn't do this or that?

 

He says "ok ok yeah yeah, I got it"

 

Then off he goes landing right on his face...NOW he gets it, or he kinda does which will probably lead him falling on his face a few more times before having some patience and wisdom and understanding what he's doing without being impulsive.

 

He clearly didn't understand what he was getting himself into, and why would he? you probably used the same general vague terms to describe your personal issues and he thought "yeah yeah, we'll work through it" and he may not have even been listening at the time.

 

The next thing young couples do is the back and forth...especially with men. They don't want to be in the relationship with you but at the same time they don't want to lose you. It doesn't mean they want to give the relationship a real go, it just means their emotions...just like yours, got the best of you during the rough patch and you ended up taking the easy road back together. That doesn't mean you really loved each other or belong together, ask people around you...everyone does it!

 

Of course he'd break up with you again...eventually he'll be overwhelmed and doesn't really want to invest with you, and this is what he is showing you. Plus with only having to see and talk to you for a certain amount of time, he can honestly...sad to say, speak with other women and do his own thing, you're on another campus...what are you going to know and find out? you think the woman who's with him is going to give a crap about him having a GF? ha!

 

I honestly don't think he's capable of it...or has the time and motivation to do so, but If he does then he'll keep coming back for more and trying to work with you. Otherwise he'll treat you like an annoying step child, only being able to give you increments of affection until he burns himself out of you again. It just looks like a merry-go-round relationship....I very highly doubt your relationship will last much longer IF he's not investing any time or effort in working on your relationship issues or he'll eventually cheat on you and leave you for someone else IMO.

 

I don't think you should wait for that point to let him go....let it go while you're still in a semi "good" place, take a break and some distance...If he wants to move on nothing will stop him, you cannot keep him from walking away, he did it once and he'll likely do it again. The more you keep pushing and pressuring this situation to the brink, the more its going to come back and slap you in the face, It's a sling shot affect.

 

You can't take what he's not willing to give...do you get that?

[cclare]

yeah, i get it. but i highly doubt he will cheat--he hangs out with a lot of mutual friends (the school he goes to is in our hometown, so a lot of friends from high school go there) and if he were to cheat it's unlikely that one of them wouldn't find out and tell me. he also once said that he has "too much pride" to cheat.. i don't really know if that really means anything coming from a guy his age, though.

 

the weird thing is, he thinks that, looks-wise, i am out of his league. aka, he thinks i am the "settler" in the relationship (if we were basing this solely on looks, which of course we're not, but when outsiders see us together he assumes this is what they think) and as far as i know, he wanted this relationship as recent as week ago because he was telling his friends what a great girlfriend i am and how much he appreciates me.. you'd think if he we're thinking about breaking up with me he would say the opposite. although it is possible he's changed is mind since then. but after all the time we've invested in each other, it just seems odd that his feelings would change that fast.

 

maybe he just doesn't think he'll be able to find someone else. i don't know. either way it's just a sucky situation to be in. i understand everything you're saying, and i appreciate your feedback on all of this. i guess i care the most about having him in my life--maybe not even as a boyfriend, but i would just miss my best friend.