Silly_Girl Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I'm posting here because it didn't seem similar to many of the issues cropping up on the Dating board, despite the fact it's only been not quite half a year... I'm having a ball with my new man, and even two weeks in friends and family were 'marrying us off' because we just seemed so suited. My best friend tells me I've met 'the male version of me'. We pretty much live together day to day, though I will add its not *like* living together - I know that's different - but he is at his house one night a week (but he does 2 nights a week also). All our main meals are together and we split the housework etc. It was a slow burn for me in that I binned my Man Picker and went for a list. He had 99% of them and made me laugh a lot so I kept seeing him, despite not feeling fireworks. And now I'm utterly smitten and can't stop feeling lucky. I speak to my counsellor about how I feel impressed by my boyfriend, what a cool customer he is (in a nice way) and how I've just never met anyone quite like him - didn't believe they existed. Okay, he's NOT a pin-up (I think he's sexy!), he snores like a drain, cooks with far too many rich ingredients and is scarily competitive when we play sport. He's not perfect. Only, yes, he is. And the support he's been to my son recently has been great. I have bad moments, due to a shoddy past relationship. Sudden and fleeting bouts of jealousy/insecurity/fear. He takes it all in his stride. So I tell my counsellor I'm worried it's too good to be true. Rationally, I've seen nothing to worry me, and everything to reassure me, but I'm living with the ghost of my ex and that wasn't pretty. He didn't rape me, but he did everything else. My counsellor has, 3 separate times, said "you haven't had your first row yet, wait until you have a fight". She says the rose-tinteds might fall off then, *if* they exist. Well, we bicker about dinner (he likes several thousand calories a day, then exercises to burn them off). And we tease a lot. But we've never found anything to fight about. We've talked extensively about cheating, sex, money, co-habiting, marriage, parenting, work, fitness, in-laws, and housework. Not that I'm at all argumentative but even when I'm determined to play devil's advocate, we never get close to what I'd call 'a row'. This is such new territory for me. A relationship like this. And whoever someone has said 'we never argue' to me, I IMMEDIATELY think "hidden resentments!!! buried issues!!! conflict avoidance!!!" So I wondered whether, just for peace of mind and I'm killing time before I collect my son from his friend's, whether this resonates with anyone, either in a good way or bad way. And also any points that I might have missed. We're all led by emotions to some degree, but in the past I've let my emotions colour a situation. And I've known it, truth be told. Although I have strong feelings now, I also have my little excel checklist at the back of my mind and rationally, all is fine, but I feel as though I'm no judge any more!
xxoo Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 We've talked extensively about cheating, sex, money, co-habiting, marriage, parenting, work, fitness, in-laws, and housework. Not that I'm at all argumentative but even when I'm determined to play devil's advocate, we never get close to what I'd call 'a row'. It is a lot easier to calmly argue hypotheticals, than to calmly resolve issues when the stakes are real. I'd agree with your counselor that seeing your boyfriend at his "worst" is an important piece of information that you probably do not yet have. Still, you have had basis for comparison, and if this relationship feels fundamentally different in a positive way, that's a great sign! Great relationships of 50 years have to start somewhere 3
Author Silly_Girl Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 How long have you two been together ? Almost 6 mths.
Author Silly_Girl Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 It is a lot easier to calmly argue hypotheticals, than to calmly resolve issues when the stakes are real. I'd agree with your counselor that seeing your boyfriend at his "worst" is an important piece of information that you probably do not yet have. I totally agree. I have no point of reference. I know a real argument is very emotive, charged and entirely different to a civil debate. I am not going to start a row for the sake of it!! But in prior relationships there'd certainly have been a decent 'ding-dong' by now. I don't want to undervalue the relationship purely because we don't argue, IYSWIM.
january2011 Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I agree with xxoo. Until your relationship is faced with a big challenge/conflict and survives it, its strength can be considered untested. Having said that, I don't think either of you should go looking for a fight, so to speak. I suggest that you keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue to build a solid foundation to weather any future storms that may or may not come your way. 2
Radu Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I hope you waited a while before introducing him to your son. Why don't you ask him ? Hi honey, have you ever gotten very very angry ? How are you like doing this ? Do you turn green ? Should i not make you angry ?
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 Why don't you ask him ? Hi honey, have you ever gotten very very angry ? How are you like doing this ? Do you turn green ? Should i not make you angry ? Yes, I've asked him. Not least because I was with an angry man and could never be again. He said if I put the knife in the mustard after the mayo he'll personally tear me limb from limb. Seriously, he's very mild-mannered. He gets mad with a specific family member who has wrecked their life then proceeded to almost wreck several others. Otherwise, nothing.
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 I agree with xxoo. Until your relationship is faced with a big challenge/conflict and survives it, its strength can be considered untested. Having said that, I don't think either of you should go looking for a fight, so to speak. I suggest that you keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue to build a solid foundation to weather any future storms that may or may not come your way. How ironic. Here I am, enjoying having no conflict or challenges for the first time, but until we do, I oughtn't relax about us!?!
mercy Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 How ironic. Here I am, enjoying having no conflict or challenges for the first time, but until we do, I oughtn't relax about us!?! Of course you should relax. Make-up sex is awesome! 1
january2011 Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 How ironic. Here I am, enjoying having no conflict or challenges for the first time, but until we do, I oughtn't relax about us!?! You know that's not quite what I wrote! Ignore the first paragraph if you will and focus on the second one. That is, you don't need to look for trouble, you've had enough of it already judging by the mentions about your previous relationship, just keep going about your business and keep smiling. 1
whichwayisup Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Yes, I've asked him. Not least because I was with an angry man and could never be again. He said if I put the knife in the mustard after the mayo he'll personally tear me limb from limb. Seriously, he's very mild-mannered. He gets mad with a specific family member who has wrecked their life then proceeded to almost wreck several others. Otherwise, nothing. Gawwdd, it drives me nuts when my H puts the knife in the jam jar after dipping it in butter or peanut butter. 19 years and it still bugs me but he can't help it, just like I can't squeeze the toothpaste from end of the tube, I squish it in the middle. That drives him nuts! I say don't worry about it too much. You love eachother, seem to have good communication skills and have a real respect for one another. Arguments once in a while are healthy but over issues, not stupid stuff. Over time you'll just learn when to bring stuff up and when to let it go.. pick your battles! We have 3 rules. No name calling or being rude to one another, never go to bed pissed off with one another and always say I love you daily. 1
xxoo Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 How ironic. Here I am, enjoying having no conflict or challenges for the first time, but until we do, I oughtn't relax about us!?! Yes, absolutely relax and enjoy. Being in the honeymoon stage should be enjoyable! Tests will come, and honeymoon hormones will wear off, and then the true potential will be revealed. It isn't something you can rush, and I think that is what the counselor is trying to say. 1
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 You know that's not quite what I wrote! Ignore the first paragraph if you will and focus on the second one. That is, you don't need to look for trouble, you've had enough of it already judging by the mentions about your previous relationship, just keep going about your business and keep smiling. I know what you mean, I chucked in a wink I have nothing to gripe about as far as he's concerned, and we communicate a lot. I shall continue to enjoy my unpricked bubble 1
whichwayisup Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I know what you mean, I chucked in a wink I have nothing to gripe about as far as he's concerned, and we communicate a lot. I shall continue to enjoy my unpricked bubble I remember bursting the bubble..Having a bath with him (2 months in) and by accident I farted in the tub. (can't hide or deny when the bubbles are evidence!) Nearly died on the spot..So because he knew I was sooo , he let one go to make me feel better.. 2
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 That's hilarious!! Reminds me of when we were on holiday recently. It was very late, after the pub and we were walking through a quiet, posh little village to return to the canalboat. We went through an alley with massive puddles and bf took my hand and said 'right, we need to be careful to maintain our dignity here'. He went to carefully step around the first puddle and accidentally farted noisily mid-step. I was laughing way too loudly for the situation, couldn't walk at all and nearly wet myself. So now 'maintaining one's dignity' is code for farting 2
whichwayisup Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Now that's funny! Even funnier if you say that in front of others and they have no clue what it means! Inside jokes..
Radu Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 That's hilarious!! Reminds me of when we were on holiday recently. It was very late, after the pub and we were walking through a quiet, posh little village to return to the canalboat. We went through an alley with massive puddles and bf took my hand and said 'right, we need to be careful to maintain our dignity here'. He went to carefully step around the first puddle and accidentally farted noisily mid-step. I was laughing way too loudly for the situation, couldn't walk at all and nearly wet myself. So now 'maintaining one's dignity' is code for farting More tea vicar ? More Tea Vicar - YouTube
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 [/b]Why oh why do so many women keep doing this? Haven't you read enough stories on LS to realize you are not right for each other? You can have all the lists of qualities you want and try to talk yourself into it with logic but if there is no spark there, you are talking yourelf and him into future misery. If you were me, you'd understand. And believe me, there's a spark!
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 Well then why not trigger a big conflict by being honest with the man and telling him you have no sexual chemistry for him and don't find him particularly physically attractive but he fits a lot of your other "requirements" and he'll do nicely as a place holder until you change your mind or someone better comes along? Edit: Please have this argument before not after marriage/children with the man. Oh no!!! There's lots of sexual chemistry. It's hot. He's hot. Why do you think otherwise? Because I wasn't swooning and imagining us getting married after date two?
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 More tea vicar ? More Tea Vicar - YouTube Hahaha! Love KBW!!!
freestyle Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I remember bursting the bubble..Having a bath with him (2 months in) and by accident I farted in the tub. (can't hide or deny when the bubbles are evidence!) Nearly died on the spot..So because he knew I was sooo , he let one go to make me feel better.. At least it wasn't a shart, WWIU............ And congratulations on your new R, SG---I wish you my best. 2
Radu Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I remember bursting the bubble..Having a bath with him (2 months in) and by accident I farted in the tub. (can't hide or deny when the bubbles are evidence!) Nearly died on the spot..So because he knew I was sooo , he let one go to make me feel better.. I hope it was a silent by deadly from you.
Author Silly_Girl Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 At least it wasn't a shart, WWIU............ And congratulations on your new R, SG---I wish you my best. I just burst out laughing in the hairdressers!! And thank you! 1
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