I have a HUGE problem :'(

[augi]

First of all, I’m sorry for writing too much, but I really needed to explain myself and the whole story. Hi, my name is augi (I don’t want to say my real name to protect my privacy; I hope you understand ), and I am 24 years old. I don't speak English very well, but I will try to do my best. Okay so here is the problem. I got married with my wife 2 years ago and she is 21 years old and from United States. Her family was so mean with her since she was a child, her dad told her stuff like you don’t have friends haha, or your friends are losers. They used to get so mad with her if she got 80% or 90% in the tests, they wanted 100% and she’s been so controlled by them. She thought she was ugly, and that she was a piece of crap. But when we met each other, I showed her that she was a beautiful, nice and smart girl. She felt in loved with me, because nobody used to tell her those kinds of words and I showed her how much she worth and that she needed to be strong.

 

At last we met each other, because I decided to go to US for a few days. We felt in love immediately, because I loved her with my heart, how she was and everything. But her parents were so rude with me. They didn’t even ask me about what I was doing in my life, and I felt so sad for that. At last I had to come again to my country and we kept talking on internet but we suffered a lot due to the distance, because we wanted to be together. So in 2010, I decided to go to US, to stay there with her forever, but since I wasn’t from there I couldn’t stay more than 3 months, so we talked face to face with her parents, but they got so angry because they didn’t want me to stay. We told them, to stay at least with a student VISA because I was in college, and I didn’t care if I had to stay in an apartment, but I could see her at least on weekends, and I would be studying, but her parents said: NO, you need to leave. We got so sad, and what we wanted was to be together, so we decided to get married without telling anything to her parents. I know we did badly, we shouldn’t but we were adults and we just wanted to be together and keep studying, but together. Her parents thought that if she would get married with me, she wouldn’t go to college and study, but we knew what to do, and we knew that the most important thing was to study because it is important for our future.

 

Okay, so we got married in 2010, and we’ve been 2 years and a half married. The main problem appeared when she told to her parents that she was married. They kicked me out of home, and I completely understood them, so she and I decided to rent an apartment, but her dad forced her to get her car back or he would call the police, so without the car she wouldn’t be able to go to work, so I had to go to my country, and she had to come back home. I felt like dead, and her parents hated her so much, inclusive they kick her out of home and they pushed her (they were torturing her every day). I told her, to come to Spain, so we could start quietly, and try to fix things from here. She came to Spain, and I almost cried of happiness when I saw her in the airport. So, the first year was pretty bad, because she was home sick, and she was mad with her parents, but I told her, that she should talk with her parents because, they would love her no matter what. At last she listened to me, and she started to talk to her parents little by little, and I was glad for her. So the next step, was to get her in College, I wanted her to be studying because we thought that was so important, and I want her to feel useful so I got her a nice job being an English teacher. Nevertheless the first year was pretty horrible between her and me, because we discussed too much, because she was so stressed.

 

As can you see the first year, she didn’t study and work, so I was so stressed too and worried about her, because I wanted her to feel comfortable at home, and not bored, because I knew that could be unhealthy being all day at home doing nothing. So I decided to study for her and work so hard for her, and I got so so so stressed, because I had my own problems with my job and career, but I didn’t care because I just wanted the best for her. So, she wasn’t religious, but she became religious the first year, she read the Bible, she saw the beautiful way to God, and I really felt so good for her, because she found something to get distracted. But, she started to change when she read the word of God. The fact is that she started to read blogs and stuff about how it’s supposed to be a marriage, so we had to have a house, and become independent, have children, etc. I started to feel bad, because we lived in my parent’s house, because I was studying and all the money that I used to make was for her official papers, and tests, her stuff, save money just in emergency to go to see her parents etc, so I couldn’t do anything else. Plus she started to change how she used to get dress. I didn’t care about that, but she was so serious about how she had to get dressed, plus she didn’t want to hang out with anyone. She wanted to stay at home, and I started to worry about her, because I saw that was unhealthy, but she wanted to be at home, so I couldn’t do anything.

 

I tried to tell her to hang out with a work’s partner, to drink a coffee, or go to buy clothes. But she didn’t want to, so I told her to go at least with my sister and my mom, but she didn’t want to neither, so I started to worry about her, and I told her, that she didn’t have to go party, but she could go to some place, take a coffee with a work’s partner, and talk, but she told me, that the only work’s partner she knew she liked to go party, and I was like…. Oh my goodness I don’t know what to do then. On the other side she started to act bad with me, she treated me pretty bad, I don’t want to say what she did but, I’m going to tell you, that she hit me, she threatened me, plus I got wounds in my body. The fact, is that I always forgave her for that, because I knew that she didn’t realize of what she was doing, because I thought she was stressed, and that’s right, when she used to stop hitting me, she used to tell me, I’m so sorry augi, I feel so bad for what I did with you, I’m not that kind of person, and I used to answer her, it’s okay….. Don’t worry, just relax, or read, don’t worry, I forgive you, you just overreacted.

 

Okay, so that happened the first year, and she used to scary me a lot, because one day she got mad because she got stressed and she took a knife and came to my room in the middle of the night, and hit my pillow when I was sleeping. I thought I was going to die, but I took the knife and I gave her a hug, and I told her: what’s going on??!!! Are you okay??!! This is totally unhealthy; do you want to go home??!! Just tell me and I will, but I don’t want to see you acting like this anymore, please I loved you so much, don’t make this again, or I am going to die scared. So when all of that happened, I started to think about what to do, because the relation was going so bad, and I talked to her, and I told her, to go to the doctor, but she told me that she was fine and that she didn’t want to go, and I felt so bad because she didn’t want any kind of help. The weird thing was that she used to act like that but after an hour, she was totally fine, like nothing happened, and that made me think that she had two poles or some kind of serious problem, because before we met each other, she told me scary things about her parents, that they hit her and stuff, and I thought that she had a problem before knowing me, because she told me she used to act like that when she was stressed before I met her.

 

The first year, was horrible as can you see, but then, she passed the AP test to get in College here in Spain, and she wasn’t stress at all. I lost all my time studying until 3 in the night, to teach her in English everything for the next day, and that lasted almost a year, so I used to get really tired, but I used to feel happy, because I was doing something for her. Plus I got her, a nice job as an English teacher and really hard to get, because there aren’t jobs here in Spain like that so easy to find with the economic problem, but I knew people from a school and I talked to them and they hired her for practices and then she got a contract, and she was so happy, and I was so happy for her, because I thought that she needed to be out of home, not always with me, because she needed to meet people, to amuse herself, and change the environment. The second year started nice and good, I used to pick her up when she got off work, but when I didn’t use to go to pick her up at work, she used to feel horrible, and I used to feel horrible too, because she used to make me feel like I did bad, because I didn’t pick her up at her job, and since she was here in Spain without her family, that made feel so bad, that’s why I tried to do everything to make her happy and comfortable. Inclusive I stopped hanging out with my friends because she used to look at me with a sad face, like I can’t hang out with my friends because they are in United States, so I stopped hanging out with my friends . And sometimes she was so angry because she had a bad day, but I was there to cheered her up and make her feel good.

 

I’ve always cared about her, because I knew she was so far from her house and I understood how it feels. Nevertheless, she read the Bible, and she missed to have a house which I couldn’t afford, because I was finishing my studies, and since we had an economic problem here in Spain, that wasn’t easy, so I tried to do my best, and I used to go to teach English in houses. I did all what I could, but I just was a student, and I used to lose most of my time studying and going to College. Well, so sometimes she got stressed, and instead of hitting me like the first year, she decided to hurt herself. Oh my goodness, that’s was terrible, the first time I saw her with scratches, I cried so much. For real, that was the worst thing I had ever seen in my life. So I tried to calm her down, and she always use to tell me, I’m so sorry augi I didn’t want to make you feel bad for what I’m doing, and since I loved her so much I couldn’t get mad with her, because I knew that she had a terrible problem, and all what I wanted was to help her, but she didn’t want to go to the doctor, and I felt helpless because I didn’t want to make her do something that she didn’t want to. So after a few months, she started College, and she talked to her parents a lot! I was so happy for her, because her parents accepted her, and that was a great new. She invite me to read the Bible, and I did it, because I thought that maybe that would help her, if I do something for her that she really likes. And so I learned that the Bible says, you have to honor your father and mother, and all what I wanted was to see her happy talking with her parents. But the problem was that she had a good period of time, but then after a few weeks, if she used to feel stressed she used to go crazy. It was like she was having two poles. And once, when she started to act like that I got so stressed too and I decided to hurt myself, and she saw me hurting myself, and she entered in my room, and said, what are you doing??!! augi I taught you that and I feel so bad, I don’t want you to do it again please. And I told her, that is what you do to me, how does it feel when you see the person you truly love hurting herself?? And she understood, so she stopped doing that!!!!!! At last I fixed her problem showing her how it is when you are in the other side of the situation. I know I shouldn’t but I did, just to show her, how it feels and how bad it is when you see the person you love hurting himself. I think that I was getting a trauma, because I was suffering too much for her.

 

Inclusive, I used to feel bad for her, because sometimes I used to watch TV, or being so concentrated with my cell phone in the bed, so I couldn’t realize what she was telling me, and she used to get so angry with me, and grab me pretty bad and shake my body so hard, and I used to get so scared, and tell her, I’m sorry please calm down, you’re scaring me, I was so concentrated and I didn’t pay attention to you, I’m so sorry , and maybe what she wanted was nothing, like, hey where is my bobby pin. So I felt so bad, I used to get in depression, because I thought that I wasn’t enough for her and I tried to do my best. Well, so at last everything was fine. She finished her first year of college, she passed a hard Spanish exam which I tried to convince her to make it, because it will be useful for her future, but she used to say, that she couldn’t pass it, because she was a bad student, and I used to tell her, forget what your parents said, you are a smart and wonderful woman, you can do everything if you trust yourself (she had a bad self-esteem due to her terrible past with her parents), and I finished my studies. We were like maybe 8 months without discussing, and we were so happy until she told me to go to visit her parents, and I was scared, because they kicked me out home last time, but I thought that we had to start some day, and visit them, because the Bible says, you need to love your enemies and forgive them, so I told her okay, we need to start someday, so let’s do it. We went one week for spring break, and it was awesome, because she could hang out with her friends and made me happy. They didn’t talk about what happened when we got married, and they were so happy for her daughter, because they thought that when she went to Spain, she wouldn’t study, but she had been studying in College, passed a hard test and got a Diploma, and she was working as an English teacher as she wanted, because she wants to be an English teacher or Spanish teacher.

 

Okay so, when we came back, she was so happy, and I felt like in heaven, because that was the kind of life that I wanted, where everything works fine. It’s been so hard, 2 years, but we got it. So we were planning for the next year, and I told her that I was going to work in a company, so we could become independent, because I finished my studies, and I could work full time, because all the money she made was for her career. Well, she was so excited to start her second year in college, and I was so excited to start another beautiful year with her. We used to go to the church every Sunday, plus we used to go to an English church, because I wanted to make her feel comfortable. I just wanted the best for her. One day, we were talking about to pay a ticket to her mom, to come and visit us, because I thought it was important that her mom came to visit where is she studying, where is she living, how is the environment, but for some reason she couldn’t come this summer, and I told her, that if she wants we could go this summer again to US. And she got so happy, and I got so happy for her. But since we spent all the money in the last trip to visit them, we couldn’t pay another ticket, but her parents were so nice, and they pay us two tickets for both of us. I was totally surprised, because they used to be rude people but they changed. And I was like…..okay… I want to trust them, but this is like they’re trying to get you back, and they don’t know how to do it. So I was always on the defensive… because I wanted to trust them, but all was suspicious, but I was like okay… let’s go. Okay, so we were supposed to go for August until September 16th, but they kicked me out of home on August 13th.So here is what it happened.

 

Her mom used to be rude with me sometimes, and I used to get stressed and sad, so what did I do? Talk to my wife, since she used to make the same with me, when she was stressed. But the problem was that she didn’t want to help me… and I felt abandoned sometimes. She thought that I hated her family, and that wasn’t true! I was so nice with them! Inclusive I made a Spanish dinner for them one day, and it was horrible, because her siblings were two brats and they didn’t eat anything, her mom was trying to be nice, but her dad got the food and he threw it to the trash. Do you know how did I feel? Like a piece of crap, plus I told my wife, that they were so mean with me acting like that in the dinner, and she defended them saying, oh don’t worry my dad was too drunk, and I was like, oh my goodness…. I sacrificed the birth of my new nephew to let her go to see her family to US, because I just wanted her to happy, inclusive I cleaned their garden instead of seeing the birth when my sister had the baby, because I was so nice with them, and they treat me like that, that wasn’t fair . Inclusive, she wrote me a message one day there telling me : “I appreciate you so much being in my house, because I see how you treat my family, with love and kindless and love. I really love the idea to start a family with you and I can’t wait. I love you so much and I would do anything to make you happy. You work so hard and sometimes my family doesn’t appreciate you but I want to tell you that I do. I want you to feel comfortable because you are a wonderful person and I am so grateful to you to be in my life. I won’t never let you go, no matter what” okay so that is what she wrote in my cell phone, and that was amazing from her.

 

I used to spend 24 hours with her family. So the only time that I had with my wife was in the night, and I was so tired. So when I used to feel bad because her mom was rude with me, she didn’t want to listen to me, she used to decide to go to the backyard, and I used to go for a walk to relax myself. That happened two times in 12 days. But the problem came one day, when I got so stressed because I saw that she was lazing around, and she didn’t want to help me, so I got too much stressed and I started to tell her mean words, that I regretted at the moment, and I told her I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize, I’m not like that, I didn’t speak with my heart. I know I sinned, but she forgave me because she knew that she used to be like that or worst with me long time ago. Nevertheless I felt so bad, and I didn’t recognize myself, so I started to cry, but she was so sweet with me, and she knew that I didn’t say those things for real. I felt completely horrible. Well, that was just one day, and the next day was so nice. We enjoyed so much, walking in the park and talking about our future plans, until next day. The next day, was the final day because all was confusion, and everything went wrong. So here’s what it happened, we woke up so happy without any problem, but later, she asked me, if she could take her sister to her driver license on Wednesday, and I answered her that if she could take her on Tuesday, because I wanted to have a date with her that day. I really wanted to have a date with her, because we were spending 24 hours with her family and all what I wanted was to have time apart with her. But she answered me that she couldn’t because her sister had to hang out with a friend that Monday night and her sister didn’t want to wake up early on Tuesday. I asked her, if the driver license test is just a few minutes in a car, but she told me: “no” and she told me that she would has to go to a place and wait there for her sister, so she didn’t know how long was going to be in that place and I got confused because here in Spain, you just get in the car and you do your test at the moment with a family member if you want, so I just wanted to figure out how was in United States, that’s why I asked her if she would have to be waiting for her sister alone all the morning or if she would go in the car with her, because here in Barcelona it’s different. But I think that she understood that I didn’t like her to go with her sister, but! That’s not true! Here you can do your test with a family member, and I was wondering if it was the same in United States, plus I was thinking about our date, and how was going to be if she would spend all morning in that place. Then I told her that I think there were priorities and I thought that it was more important the driver license than the party that night, but she refused my option and I got frustrated, and she got mad, because she thought that I didn’t want her to go with her sister, which is ridiculous, because I don’t care, because that what was I wanted when we were in Spain, to hang out with someone or hang out with my sister or my mom, why wouldn’t I want her to hang out with her sister then?? That doesn’t make any sense. But the only reason was that I wanted to give her a surprise on Wednesday. I just wanted to give her a surprise and go to the Zoo with her in a beautiful date :’( but I didn’t tell her, because it was a surprise, and she understood me bad, she thought that I was controlling her and that I didn’t want her to go with her sister and she got mad at me, so she went to the backyard. I didn’t want to discuss with her so I took a walk in the neighborhood, just to relax myself and try to talk to her later.

 

But when I came back home, she was so mad at me and her sister too, and I got confused because I didn’t know what was going on. She started to cry and I felt really really bad for real, and she told me that she had to go to her grandparent’s house for a few days, and I felt so sad :’( and I told her, okay……. But I told her, that I really loved her and that we just had to talk quietly to fix this, because everything was a blur, it was a CONFUSION. Then I asked her, ¿what do I do then? And she answered me: “just stay here and I’ll be right back in a few days”. At last she went to her grandparent’s house, and when her mom came at home, she told me: “augi you need to leave, she’s done”; her mom told me that I had been mean with her and that I had been controlling her. So I started to cry a lot because I couldn’t understand anything, because she told me to take time apart and her mom was breaking up with me. I asked her mom, if I could talk to her at least on the phone, but she denied, and she told me that she didn’t want to talk to me because she was scared about me, because she thought that I was going to hurt myself, which is ridiculous again, because I just did that one year ago, and she got me a trauma, plus her mom doesn’t know her daughter how she is, but I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to get in trouble, so I swallowed my own words and I left .

 

I suffered a lot, because they kicked me out of home and I had to go to a hotel without any chance to talk to anyone, in a country that I didn’t know and go to Spain the next day . I don’t understand why she said that about me, if we fixed that one year ago, and was due to her, because she got me a trauma. I don’t understand, why she didn’t say to her parents all what she did to me, and the problem she was having before meeting me, due to her parents. I would love to do anything to fix it all and to be next to her, but I still don’t understand why this relation is done. I would love that she gives me an explanation (not her parents). I want to have the chance to defend myself and to work hard for the person that I truly love. I feel totally confused. I don’t understand anything. I thought she loved me but I feel abandoned. I went so happy to United States to spend some time with her family but however I was forced to leave her house without any explanation from her. Her parents didn’t let me talk with my wife, and I didn’t understand what the reason to break up this relation was. I was forced to leave my wife when she wasn’t with me, and when she told me before to wait at home. ¡Oh my gosh, this is a nightmare! ¡I felt impotent and helpless! ¡I felt humiliated!

 

It’s been almost 3 weeks since I don’t know anything about my wife :’( I know that maybe I’ve not been the best husband, but I have always respected her, tell her how much she worth and how precious she is (because she had a problem of self-esteem) I have never cheated on her, I have never mistreated her or threaten her and I’ve never hit her. I’ve been always supporting her, and when we were living a bad period, we have been together, fixing everything. I have worked so hard to make her happy and to get her a good job, to start a career that she really loves in Spain (because her dream was to study in Spain), and little by little we have been building our family, and that is the main reason why I don’t want to lose her. I truly LOVE her, and if I have done some error, I just want a chance, because I gave to her a lot of chances too long time ago. She knows me really well, and she knows that I would try to do everything to work hard, and she knows that this year I finished my studies, so the next year I was going to work full time to become independent. From my point of view I think that when you truly love someone you don’t give him 1, or 2, or 200 chances but you give him infinite chances, because all what you want is to be next to him or her and you try to help him/her. I think I deserve a chance at least, because I have never given to her a reason to not trust on me. I have not been a bad boy and she knows that, I think all was confusion, and she just got stressed, but I think she cannot break up with the only person who she really loves just because I made some error, because I would never do that to her. I’ve been 3 weeks practically without eating anything, because I really love her and I’m dying without her, and because I regret about any error, but all what I want is that she talks to me about my errors, to fix them. I tried to sent her emails, but she never answered me, and I tried to talk to the rest of her family, and they told me to not pay attention what her mom said, because she married me for a reason, it’s unhealthy to break up a relation with your mother.

 

So, right now, I don’t know what to do, because I don’t have any way to talk to her, but I don’t want to look desperate, because maybe they think I am psychopath, and that is no true, but I don’t understand anything. I don’t recognize her, and I don’t want to believe that she chose her parents, when they were the controllers who take advantage of the situation when she was sensitive. I know that if I talk to her, everything would get fixed, but she doesn’t want to contact me, and I know she has a flight ticket paid for September 16th but I’m not sure if they will let her go, because they think that I am horrible right now, and my wife doesn’t want to talk to me. I need help, I need a solution or some advice, because I’ve been reading the Bible everyday and prying every day, but she still doesn’t talk to me. I don’t know what’s going on, but she is so important for me and the marriage too, and I thought it was important for her too. I know she really loves me, and she once promised me that she wouldn’t let me go, but I don’t recognize her right now. I went to the doctor and told me that this is emotional abandonment, and that she needs to give an explanation, no matter if it is good or bad, but cannot disappear like that, unless a person wants to kill another person and he or she runs away from her or him, but since that is not the reason, my doctor told me to wait, because the responsible of this is she not you, and if she doesn’t tell you anything, she will regret the rest of her life.

 

So the fact is that I tried to talk to her, but I don’t have any way to do it, just email, but she never answered me. She has everything here at home, her personal stuff, but she hasn’t talked to me about the divorce, plus I put nice pictures of us on facebook and beautiful words from the Bible, but she doesn’t appear. It looks like I killed someone. If at least she tells me to take time apart, but I don’t know anything about her! This is like a punishment and I am suffering a lot, and I don’t want to think that she chose her parents instead of me, because they truly hurt her, and they are controlling her in everything she does, and that is not healthy for her . Could you help me please? Because I don’t want to lose her but I don’t know what to do I’m having a big depression. I just don't eat because I'm not hungry and I'm getting so weak everyday I just need an advice, because I love her so much, and I just want an explanation, just yes or no, I'll accept it, but I need an explanation. I think she got me a trauma long time ago and I'm getting in a big depression everyday. I want to make sure she's okay :'( I am really worried about her I don't know why she let me suffer like this :'( I've been a really good person with her, I was an outgoing boy and now I don't worth nothing, I'm a piece of crap :'( I lost my friends for her, and I'm not good in nothing, I don't know why I went to the college . I'm horrible :'( If I put my life for her, and I recieve this, it's because I am insignificant :'(

Edited September 2, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Greznog]

I have a huge problem as well.

[Radu]

See if she comes back on the 16th, if not ... divorce her.

 

Let me put it this way, it's not you and it's not her. It's her parents.

Her mom, to be more accurate.

They guilt tripped the hell out of her, and the Bible is what sealed the deal.

She is horribly insecure too.

 

I think without mommy dearest having an influence, you two would have been worked together.

But, she influenced her ... would you believe me if i told you that it's all for the best ?

 

Because the kind of damage that this girl has, cannot be undone unless she goes through at least 5yrs or more of therapy and is desperately trying to fix herself.

She had a chance, when she moved to Spain with you, when she married you.

She sabotaged that by grasping at the Bible like crazy.

 

Can you imagine what kids of this woman would feel ?

Do you really want to be responsible for this woman having kids ?

They are innocent and she is full of problems.

 

PS: Also, stop being a wuss and stop crying.

Boys do cry, but not over a damn dish.

[prettylittlethings]

However complicated the situation is, I am sure that could've been made shorter.

[I'm nuts]

Amigo mio,

 

Let me tell you one thing if I may.

 

Being married to a person of the same nationality and background will be hard work. Now take two people from completely differing backgrounds and cultures, languages etc, then things become x10 more difficult.

 

This Mujer, obviously has some family issues, now add in to the mix the aforementioned problems and you have a recipe for disaster.

 

Living in a foreign land such as Spain will take a lot of adjusting, you might like it for a holiday but to live the rest of your life there so far away from her family in the US would be a big ask, eventually she would miss speaking her mother tongue, her friends and her home country.

 

Sadly I think you've found yourself in the middle of this, an unstable woman living in a foreign country, it would only end in lagrimas.

[augi]

I know it's hard, but I've never closed the doors to go there. We were talking in english, to make her feel comfortable, I tried to cook everything from there, watch TV from there, plus she was doing her dream: studying in Spain. We were planning to go to live to US after she finishes her studies. I think she was pretty fine here, because she felt like in home. And there are a lot of students who go to study to foreign countries and then they come back, but she's been living like in United States, I tell you for real. I know it's not the same, but I was going to sacrafice my family and everything for her, just to live in US for her. And I repeat she was really happy studying here, because it was her dream.

[Downtown]

Hi, my name is augi (I don’t want to say my real name).

Augi, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I notice that your W opened your membership here a year ago and referred to herself as "Augi" and you as "B." I mention this so other readers stumbling upon the two older threads will not be confused.

She treated me pretty bad... she hit me, she threatened me, plus I got wounds in my body.

Augi, the behaviors you describe -- verbal abuse, physical abuse, self mutilation, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. I therefore suggest you see a psychologist (not a medical doctor or marriage counselor) -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional view on what it is you are dealing with.

Sometimes she got stressed, and instead of hitting me like the first year, she decided to hurt herself. ...the first time I saw her with scratches, I cried so much. For real, that was the worst thing I had ever seen in my life.

Cutting and other forms of self mutilation are STRONGLY associated with BPD. A recent psychiatric study (pub. 2004) concludes:

The majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.

See

Understanding those who se... [J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004] - PubMed - NCBI

.

She used to scare me a lot, because one day she got mad because she got stressed and she took a knife and came to my room in the middle of the night, and hit my pillow when I was sleeping. I thought I was going to die.

Physical abuse of a spouse also is STRONGLY associated with BPD. A 1993 Canadian study, for example, found that nearly all spouse batterers have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of the study at Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong -- Health & Wellness -- Sott.net.

She told me scary things about her parents, that they hit her and stuff, and I thought that she had a problem before knowing me ...Her family was so mean with her since she was a child.

Most abused children do not develop BPD. Such trauma in childhood, however, GREATLY raises the child's risk of doing so. A recent study (pub. 2008) found that 70% of BPDers report that they were abused or abandoned in childhood.

After an hour, she was totally fine, like nothing happened, and that made me think that she had two poles or some kind of serious problem.

It is common for a spouse of a BPDer to feel like he is living with a woman who is half way to having a multiple personality disorder. In your case, however, you are suggesting that your W may have bipolar disorder. Perhaps so. About a third of BPD sufferers also have bipolar-1 disorder.

 

Your description, however, does not describe many bipolar traits. For one thing, you mention nothing about mania occurring. For another, you are describing temper tantrums that are event triggered in a few seconds and that usually last several hours. In contrast, bipolar mood changes typically take two weeks to form and then they last several weeks. (Although hyper rapid cycling is possible with bipolar, it is very rare.)

So I tried to calm her down.

I tried to calm my exW for 15 years. If your W is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), her emotional development likely froze when she was a four year old -- leaving her stuck with the primitive ego defenses of a young child (e.g., projection, denial, controlling behavior, and temper tantrums). The result is that she never learned the more mature defenses such as self-calming. The inability to regulate one's emotions is the biggest hallmark of having strong BPD traits. Indeed, a large faction of the psychiatric community has been lobbying for 20 years to change the name from "BPD" to "Emotional Dysregulation Disorder."

I knew that she had a terrible problem, and all what I wanted was to help her, but she didn’t want to go to the doctor.

If she is a BPDer, that is to be expected. Even if you were to persuade a BPDer to go to therapy, it is very unlikely she will stay with it. Therapist Shari Schreiber says you have a better chance flying to the moon strapped to a banana than ever seeing a BPDer stay in therapy long enough to make a difference.

I was forced to leave her house without any explanation from her. ...It’s been almost 3 weeks since I don’t know anything about my wife.

Augi, as your doctor explained, that outrageous behavior is not only immature and selfish but also emotionally abusive.

I think that I was getting a trauma, because I was suffering too much for her.

Like me, you almost certainly are an excessive caregiver who have very weak personal boundaries -- making it difficult for you to see where your problems leave off and your W's problems begin. The result is that your happiness is highly dependent on how happy SHE is -- and your self esteem is highly dependent on what SHE thinks about you. This is why it is called "codependency." It is important that you learn how to build strong personal boundaries -- and start enforcing them.

She used to make me feel like I did bad, because I didn’t pick her up at her job,

No, she didn't "make you feel" anything. She never had that power over you. Rather, you CHOSE to feel bad about yourself whenever she was displeased. As I said, your personal boundaries are set far too low.

Everything was a blur, it was a CONFUSION. ...I’m having a big depression.

Augi, if your W has strong BPD traits, consider yourself lucky that you are only feeling "confused" and "depressed." Many spouses and partners living with a BPDer for a year feel like they may be losing their minds. The result is that therapists see far more spouses and ex-partners (coming in to find out if they are going crazy) than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Indeed, of the several dozen mental disorders listed in the diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the nonBPD partners feel like they are going crazy. The primary reason for this crazy-making feeling is that a BPDer will flip -- in just ten seconds -- from adoring you to hating you. And she can flip back again just as quickly.

I don’t understand anything. I don’t recognize her.... I need help, I need a solution or some advice.

Again, I suggest you see a psychologist for a visit or two to obtain a candid professional view on what it is you are dealing with. I also suggest, while you are waiting for an appointment, you read my description of BPD traits in Rebel's thread to see if most of them sound familiar. Not having met your W, I cannot tell you whether she has most BPD traits at a strong level.

 

I nonetheless am confident you will be able to spot any and all red flags if you take time to read about them. There is nothing subtle about traits such as temper tantrums, physical abuse, and cutting with a razor. My post is located at Crazy I think but I love her anyway. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it and point you to excellent online resources. Take care, Augi.

[augi]

Thank you all so much, I will take your advices. I would like to ask something else that it's been worrying me so much, and I just want to improve myself because I don't stop thinking what I did badly. I've been thinking about that day that I cursed to her, I still really feel bad for that, but I regretted at the moment, I didn't recognize myself. On the other side, when I met her she and I were talking in the distance, and she used to make me jealous about stuff she did when we were dating. I didn’t care about what she did in the past, but I cared about what she was doing when we were dating. In fact, one day she hung out with her friends to the club, and the next day she had a lot fun. I was happy for her, because she had fun, but she told me that she was with 12 guys. In that moment, I felt like nervous in my stomach, I don't know how to explain it, but I felt horrible, and jealous! that was the first time I started to feel so bad from someone. Other day, she told me she was in a hotel with her friends, and she got drunk, and she rest in the couch, and she told me that she sat down next to a guy and they watched a ****o together, and she told me that the guy was going to kiss her. Okay, so I felt so bad again, because I started to feel bad butterflies, the fact is that I wanted to trust her, but she was telling me all those horrible things, and I didn't know why. Other day, she told me, that a guy she met brought her home, and she told me that he was soooooo nice and beautiful more than me :’(, so that made me feel like I didn't worth. Once, she and I went to a party house, and she started to play with a guy, and I felt abandoned, and horrible, because I thought that she was having fun with someone in front of my face, so I decided to go to the car and wait until the party was done. After one hour and a half, she came to the car, and said that she didn't try to do anything, but I told her, that she was driving me nuts, because I told her: okay, if I go to a party and I start to play with a girl that I don't know who is, in front of you, what would you think? and she told me: "I would feel bad for that" so she apologized.

 

Nevertheless, I started to change my vision on her, since she used to make me jealous. I didn't understand why until she became religious. One day, she told me that she felt bad for what she did to me before being religious, and that she used to do it, because she thought that to get the love of a man you need to make him jealous, and I told her, that acting like that it doesn't work for me. Okay so, after all what she did to me, I became a jealous person! I've never been like that, but I felt like I didn't worth enough and I didn’t want to feel like someone would be with my wife. That was so horrible from me thinking like that. In fact, one day I went to pick her up at her job and I saw a lot of men going out her class, and when she got off work, I asked her about her class, and she told me that it was fine because there weren’t rude men. And I was like, okay… but there were men right? And she answered me: “no, there weren’t men in my class”. So I started to feel again bad butterflies because I saw them when I went to pick her up, and I told her that I saw them. She got like…. Uh….. yes….. well…. Yes… I didn’t want to tell you anything… okay so I got sad not for the men, because I don’t care, but she was lying to me without any reason because if she was sure of herself she maybe would tell me: yes there were men. So I don’t know why she lied to me, but after thinking about it, I thought that maybe she didn’t tell me anything because she knew that I was jealous

 

Okay, so since that day, she has been telling me every day, what kind of men there were in her class, and I told her, that she doesn’t have to, I don’t care for real, but she insisted to tell me, because she didn’t want to make like in the past (that is what she said). Well, and she changed her way of get dressed, because she wanted to be religious, and she told me that she was going to wear long skirts every day. And I told her, that I don’t care what she does but, I didn’t want her to feel like I was making her do that, and she told me: no, I do because I want be a nice religious girl. Okay, the fact is that she always asked me about how was she dressed, and with the time, I started to get in the same roll like her, so when I saw that she used to show cleavage I used to tell her. I thought a lot about that and I thought to myself, that I am no one to tell her how does she need to get dressed. And I started to feel like so possessive, but she liked, because she always wanted to know my opinion about her. Sometimes, I used to tell her, I don’t really care for real, just wear what you want, don’t put me in this situation, because it’s going to look that I am controlling you, but she wanted my opinion. Maybe, because I used to get so jealous? well. Well so she was like me, because I remember that when I used to wear a shirt, and she noticed that it was a little opened, she used button my shirt. So I felt like I had to do the same with her, which it made feel like this is going so far, we need to stop. Inclusive, when I used to go to teach English classes to houses, she used to tell me, how is that girl?? And I used to tell her, she is ugly don’t worry, but she wanted proofs, so I took some pictures, and then she used to relax.

Well, we had good periods and bad periods. Bad periods, because I used to tell her: hey that man is looking at you. I don’t know, why I was acting like that, but it was weird, because I just used to feel like that when I was with her, but when she was working I didn’t care about what she was doing. But for example, since she made me jealous when she was my girlfriend, I used to feel nervous in my stomach when she used to tell me that she was going to some place. I was like, maybe she is going to see some guy and maybe he is NICE and BEAUTIFUL, like what she told me long time ago. The fact, is that my jealous were so bad, because I was kind of obsessive about men, but not always, maybe one week every 2 months, and I didn’t care about she hanging out with some friend, which confuses me, because if I am jealous, I would be always jealous right? I wouldn’t let her hang out with anyone, but I wanted. So, I don’t know what is wrong with me, maybe the day that she abandoned me, she thought that I didn’t like to hang out with her sister because maybe she would have to be alone or something, but in fact, I didn’t care, even I didn’t think about that. So, I’m just trying to improve myself, I want to be the same person I was before I met her, I don’t know how to stop being jealous. Well, I am not jealous right now, I don’t care what she is doing right now, but I care about her health . So I would love your opinion, because her mom told me that I am a controller, and I’ve been thinking about this so much, but I read, that the controllers think that they never are wrong but they always are right. But I feel like I don’t worth, and I have a lot of things to change, so that makes me think that I am not a controller. Could you help me?

[alysamartin001]

You explain your feeling in long way. It is hard for understand, what you saying.

[Gab09]

Augi, you can't take all the blame for it.

 

From what you've told us, In a very complicated way to understand, I may add.

She played a major role in making you into a jealous person. How can you help but be jealous after everything she was telling you?

 

All the insecurities and ideas.

 

Don't torment yourself too much about being a "controller" like you said.

 

Your wife, excuse me, but seems to be as unstable as my ex. They are very easily manipulated and let other people guide their head on what they should do.

 

Best of luck friend, from one broken heart to another.

[augi]

I am sorry I don't speak english very well, what do you mean with long way? like I don't put paragraph breaks? I am sorry again

[augi]

thank you Gab09. I am just worrying too much about what kind of crap I am, to make my wife doesn't contact me and abandoned me. I know that I was jealous and I know that I have never been like that before, just when she put me in those situations. I know I had to think about the present but the past tortured me too much, even I got kind of possesive about her, but not in an unhealthy way because I read that an example of unhealthy jealosy is when the mate sneaks in her phone, or email or goes to her job to see what is she doing, and I have never done that before, so I think it's just that I felt so worry because the past, and afraid about losing her, because who knows, maybe she find a boy more BEAUTIFUL and NICE than me, like she told me in the past..... well so I tried to overcome jealosy by reading a lot about it because I would like to improve myself be a good person like I used to be before. The fact is that I am making a list of bad things I did with her:

 

I cursed to her, which I am still feeling horrible for real

I got jealous and possssive sometimes (inclusive I used to tell me to myself, stop augi)

I hurt myself (I have never been like that, but I think I got a trauma with her)

 

When she eventually talks to me, instead of saying what she did bad to me, I am just going to talk about my errors, and that I willing to change them, because if I talk about negative stuff, like blaming her about what she did to me, I am going to ruin the conversation and maybe she is going to feel attacked. I know, she has been worst to me, I know for real because you guys told me, but I just want to make her see, that although what she has done to me, I am still regretting about my stuff. Maybe that makes her look at me different, like: "hey augi's behaviour is different, I thought he was going to be sad or in a mad mood, but he's being positive and he is regretting about what he did". Maybe that will make her think about herself and what she did to me too. What do you think about all of this? because I don't want to feel desperate but let her cool off. I know I should avoid this relationship, crazy but I love her too much