schoolmate Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I have posted in a few forums and hoping to get some insight into this: What does emotional connection/ bond mean in context of married couples? Do all married couples connect emtionally or does it fade away after a few years! My H & I hv been M for around 13years and I seem to think there is no emotional bond between my H & me. I am just wondering if I am seeing what I want to see or is there really something that needs fixing. Any input is appreciated. Cheers!
xxoo Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Yes, if you each act as a support person for the other, and you look to each other to share your joys and sorrows, big and small, the emotional connection stays strong (deepens, ime).
Author schoolmate Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 Yes, if you each act as a support person for the other, and you look to each other to share your joys and sorrows, big and small, the emotional connection stays strong (deepens, ime). Thanks for that! I see that happens between us but is there more to it....if you dont mind can you elaborate on what an emotional connection with spouse would mean to you...given that my H is very busy at work and travels abroad a few days every week. Thanks!
xxoo Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Thanks for that! I see that happens between us but is there more to it....if you dont mind can you elaborate on what an emotional connection with spouse would mean to you...given that my H is very busy at work and travels abroad a few days every week. Thanks! Look on the Long distance relationship forum, and see what dating people act like when in a LDR. They make it a priority to call, text, skype, etc every day, send care packages and personal cd mixes, prepare fun things to do when reunited, etc. Married couples can continue "courting" each other (in balance with other responsibilities, of course) to keep the emotional connection and relationship satisfaction strong. 2
Author schoolmate Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 Look on the Long distance relationship forum, and see what dating people act like when in a LDR. They make it a priority to call, text, skype, etc every day, send care packages and personal cd mixes, prepare fun things to do when reunited, etc. Married couples can continue "courting" each other (in balance with other responsibilities, of course) to keep the emotional connection and relationship satisfaction strong. Wow! love your response! Even though I feel he is emotionally disconnected, should I still take the initiative to do these little things to spike things up! On a different post I had shared that there's no way on earth, my H is accepting my friend request on FB! Does that mean he is not really interested in doing the 'courting' stuff! :confused:
Author schoolmate Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 Ask him... but tell him why you want to do it, that you are worried you aren't connecting. Hmmmm...thats a thought! I am not sure if it will do much for me if I asked him to do things for me,,,,do you know what I mean ---I will miss the spontaniety and also the fact that I had to spell it out for him!
Gagirl Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Over time, if you don't continue to work on the relationship, the connection will fade or even disappear. It can be extremely difficult to get that back, if you ever do. It depends on the amount of fighting and damage done. Start trying to go on dates with each other again, call, text and find new things to do together that may be out of your comfort zone. Don't complain about the lack of connection to your mate. That may drive them further away. Take a marriage class tOgether if you can find one. Those seem to work much better than MC. 1
Author schoolmate Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 This is good advice. When I said tell them, I mean something like... "You know, I miss you. We never seem to have time to have fun together anymore, I'd really like it if we had some time just for us." and then plan something fun, especially if it's something he might really like, something that you will enjoy TOGETHER. I have tried doing that and his response was that I was saying this since he didnt add me on facebook. He likes watching TV and I watch it with him. We dont talk much about stuff----he answers my questiona if I ask. for example if I ask him about what he did and how his day was, he will tell me sometimes or just say what can he tell it was a regular work day. And he would never ask how my day was. Sometimes I wonder if men are like that or he is like that but then if add things up esp the FB thing---makes me think if I am missing something or am I reading too much. :confused:
xxoo Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Sometimes I wonder if men are like that or he is like that but then if add things up esp the FB thing---makes me think if I am missing something or am I reading too much. :confused: How did he act in the past when you did feel emotionally connected? Was he more interested in your day, and shared activities beyond tv back then?
Silly_Girl Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I think sometimes men can clam up when certain relationship language comes in to play. When you talk to him about wanting more, you can use more practical hints such as - I like to hear what's happened in your day - I like to hear your voice, even just briefly - I love when you text me late to say goodnight Whilst you don't wish to 'instruct' him as to what you're looking for... you kinda do And please ignore the FB thing. I know lots of husbands/boyfriends who consider it tiresome. It's not the type of quality improvement you're looking for in your marriage. Honest.
Silly_Girl Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Tell him you can't wait for him to come home so you can feed him a nice juicy steak and then take him into the bedroom and rock his world. That be March 14th 1
Author schoolmate Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 Thanks all of you for your thoughtful responses! It does indeed seem like something that needs addressing! So I shall try and talk to my H about it and see where that takes us! I wonder if there are any MM out there who could share their thoughts on an indifferent behaviour! Is it possible that its completely normal and some men are made like tht---and if that be the case, is there hope! Since I do feel something major lacking without any explicit emotions/ affection in the R! Cheers:):)
Miss Olivia Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 I have posted in a few forums and hoping to get some insight into this: What does emotional connection/ bond mean in context of married couples? Do all married couples connect emtionally or does it fade away after a few years! My H & I hv been M for around 13years and I seem to think there is no emotional bond between my H & me. I am just wondering if I am seeing what I want to see or is there really something that needs fixing. Any input is appreciated. Cheers! I haven't read the responses to this yet, but if you and your spouse make an effort to stay emotionally connected, you can stay emotionally connected. It's important to remember that BOTH of you have to make the effort.
texasgladiator Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 after being with my wife now for a total of 23 years - since she was 16 - i can say that we do and always have connected emotionally - without a doubt. of course we have had conflicts over the years - some of them causing a rift that definately distanced us emotionally but we always always figure these issues out and our love is deeper and our relationship stronger. Looking around, though, at all the other couples i know from my parents and grandparents to friends, coworkers, etc - i would say i dont see very much emotional connection. i see most cpls throw in the towel rather then push through the veil. So my answer would be Married couples CAN most def connect emotionally - but most will never take the time to sort out the issues and start learning wtf is going on. 2
BetheButterfly Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 I have posted in a few forums and hoping to get some insight into this: What does emotional connection/ bond mean in context of married couples? Do all married couples connect emtionally or does it fade away after a few years! My H & I hv been M for around 13years and I seem to think there is no emotional bond between my H & me. I am just wondering if I am seeing what I want to see or is there really something that needs fixing. Any input is appreciated. Cheers! First of all, I am so sorry to read that you and your husband do not have an emotional bond. I don't know what to say about that, except for I am so sorry about that. My husband and I have a very strong emotional bond. It's almost as if there's an invisible chord that connects our hearts. There are many reasons why I say this: 1. When I am happy, he is happy. When I am sad, he feels it and wants me to be happy. This goes both ways... when he is happy, I am happy. When he is sad, I feel it and want him to be happy. We both feel very pleased when we are both doing well. 2. We have only been married a year (Tomorrow is our first year anniversary!) but we feel like we have known each other for years and years and years... we feel our relationship is timeless. We enjoy spending time together and cannot imagine being even one week apart. 3. We trust each other... even though we are still getting to know each other, we are confident in our love for each other and are greatly enjoying getting to know our differences and similarities! For example, today for dinner we ate pizza (...those frozen kind that you buy at the store and heat up in the oven). He likes pepperoni and hates olives. I like olives and hate pepperoni. It works out great because he puts all the pepperoni on his side of the pizza and all the olives on my side! Our differences make life interesting, and our similarities (like we both enjoy peace and tranquility) makes life precious. 4. We have both been in previous relationships where we did not have a strong emotional connection and to us both it was not a pleasant experience. This helps us appreciate even more the strong emotional bond we have and to make sure to keep it strong. Although we have had little spats of course, we do not let anything escalate to a war. This is mostly to my husband's credit, because he is the one who strives to keep our communication open and is willing to forgive and ask forgiveness easier than I am. His kind heart motivates me to not be as moody too. 5. We have fun together!!! We enjoy laughing and joking and spending those quality moments together. I am his best friend and he is mine. We are soulmates!!! We are different in a lot of ways... his second home is the gym and my second homes are church and my parents' house. He loves cats and i love dogs. He likes to eat meat and I want to be a vegetarian. Our differences are many but we both thoroughly enjoy each moment we have together, especially because when we have had issues, we work them out. We want to keep the spark alive and well between us. I very much hope our emotional bond never goes away. I have no idea what the future holds, but our desire is to grow old together. Again, I am sorry that you do not have an emotional connection with your husband. I don't know what advice to give. Did you have an emotional connection with him before getting married?
BetheButterfly Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 LOL I'll bet you are a cute couple. When you eat spaghetti with your h is it like "Lady and the Tramp" where you eat the spaghetti from both ends until you end up kissing? Lol, I love that movie. We actually did that once, but it didn't work out as smoothly as on that adorable movie where they accidentally smooched lol. It was fun to try though!
newmoon Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 First of all, I am so sorry to read that you and your husband do not have an emotional bond. I don't know what to say about that, except for I am so sorry about that. My husband and I have a very strong emotional bond. It's almost as if there's an invisible chord that connects our hearts. There are many reasons why I say this: 1. When I am happy, he is happy. When I am sad, he feels it and wants me to be happy. This goes both ways... when he is happy, I am happy. When he is sad, I feel it and want him to be happy. We both feel very pleased when we are both doing well. 2. We have only been married a year (Tomorrow is our first year anniversary!) but we feel like we have known each other for years and years and years... we feel our relationship is timeless. We enjoy spending time together and cannot imagine being even one week apart. 3. We trust each other... even though we are still getting to know each other, we are confident in our love for each other and are greatly enjoying getting to know our differences and similarities! For example, today for dinner we ate pizza (...those frozen kind that you buy at the store and heat up in the oven). He likes pepperoni and hates olives. I like olives and hate pepperoni. It works out great because he puts all the pepperoni on his side of the pizza and all the olives on my side! Our differences make life interesting, and our similarities (like we both enjoy peace and tranquility) makes life precious. 4. We have both been in previous relationships where we did not have a strong emotional connection and to us both it was not a pleasant experience. This helps us appreciate even more the strong emotional bond we have and to make sure to keep it strong. Although we have had little spats of course, we do not let anything escalate to a war. This is mostly to my husband's credit, because he is the one who strives to keep our communication open and is willing to forgive and ask forgiveness easier than I am. His kind heart motivates me to not be as moody too. 5. We have fun together!!! We enjoy laughing and joking and spending those quality moments together. I am his best friend and he is mine. We are soulmates!!! We are different in a lot of ways... his second home is the gym and my second homes are church and my parents' house. He loves cats and i love dogs. He likes to eat meat and I want to be a vegetarian. Our differences are many but we both thoroughly enjoy each moment we have together, especially because when we have had issues, we work them out. We want to keep the spark alive and well between us. I very much hope our emotional bond never goes away. I have no idea what the future holds, but our desire is to grow old together. Again, I am sorry that you do not have an emotional connection with your husband. I don't know what advice to give. Did you have an emotional connection with him before getting married? this is a very good response!! it really hits upon some of the ways you can have an emotional connection with someone. and i, for one, believe you either have it or don't (from the start), and that (just imo) it cannot be 'built.' you can build closeness with someone and even intimacy, but an emotional connection is deeper and cannot be forced - you just feel that the other person 'gets you' and vice-versa (or not); the couples that have it are the ones that we all sometimes laugh at - the ones that dress similarly and bizarrely, finish each others' sentences, laugh at the same dumb jokes, assist each other constantly with things, etc. - they have a lot of shared behaviors and that is what, imo, leads to an emotional connection. a lot of it comes from the 1st bullet point made in the above post - if you can know and read your partner's emotional state and how to handle it/improve it intuitively you've got it made. look at the points listed and try to do some of those things with your husband - practice very thoughtful gestures, which really do put the other person first - that builds a bond. it sounds old-fashioned, but treating your man like a king really brings him closer because he feels cared for, and they do return the favor :-) 1
angie2443 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I saw your other thread. With your former EA, proper or not, and his not wanting to "friend" you on Face Book, I'd guess that there are a lot of secrets bieng kept in this relationship. Often, bieng distant is a way to keep the other person from finding something out. Other times, it's a way to start disbanding a reltationship. I don't know, but I get the sense that if this relationship is going to improve, one or both of you is going to have to be open about things that you aren't confortable with bieng open with. I hope this makes sense. Good luck! 1
JamesM Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 We have been married over 22 years. I have vocalized the problems we have/had on here since I joined in 2005. It is mainly about the lack of sex. It is not about an emotional connection or friendship. I think I can speak from experience of many years with the same woman as opposed to just a few years when I say that an emotional connection can be strengthened even when it appears to be gone. We have a strong friendship and (usually) a good emotional connection. There are ups and downs, and we have nights that we don't talk to each other. Not because we are avoiding each other but because we don't alwasy need to converse to keep a connection. However, we do connect quite often throughout the day. It may be at lunch or supper or a simple phone call. I count her as my best friend. And a couple of weeks ago, she reiterated how she would still choose me all over again. And despite our problems in the lack of sex, I know of no one else who makes my life as enjoyable as she does. Looking back and knowing what I know, I cannot think of anyone else that I would choose either. My point is...marriages has ups and downs. We certainly have our times where we feel that the emotional connection is weak. I know my wife has "complained" about it more than once over the years. Those are the downs. And if this is a down then work to make it go up again. What did you do before that made him want you? What did you do that made him smile? While it is frustrating to have him only "want" you when he sexually wants you, it is a start. I am not a woman but I am guessing that you can make him want you more often too. You are right...nagging him about spending more time with you will not do it. You might enjoy being with him and cuddling him while you both watch TV. Taking small steps may lead to bigger steps and a better connection emotionally. The better emotional connection may give you a stronger excitement for sex, and then he will see that he is rewarded for his time with you and he will begin to enjoy it simply because it is fun. I am a guy who gets set in my routines and thinks they are the best way...until I find a new routine that is better. Perhaps your husband may find that to be true. When my wife "forces" me to accept change, then I am amazed at how often it turns out to be fun! The biggest thing that concerns me is that he does not want to be friends on FB. Does he show that he is married? What does he seek on FB? Does he spend time on FB in front of you? Does he share what he types or what friends type? I would not dream of not friending my wife. She would be more than just a little suspicious! While she does not know all of my friends, she knows that they can see without a doubt that I am married and her pictures with our children's pictures are plastered all over my timeline. And I can see the same with hers. If FB is a way for him to feel single, then I would be concerned. One last thing. You mentioned on another thread about a crush for someone else. You may want to examine why. Is it due to a lack of emotional connection in your marriage or is it true feelings for this person? I am inclined to believe that it is what you are lacking more than what this other guy has. Push to connect and don't give up. Seek to have what you had in your first year of marriage while keeping the security and familiarity that only the years together can bring. 1
Author schoolmate Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 We have been married over 22 years. I have vocalized the problems we have/had on here since I joined in 2005. It is mainly about the lack of sex. It is not about an emotional connection or friendship. I think I can speak from experience of many years with the same woman as opposed to just a few years when I say that an emotional connection can be strengthened even when it appears to be gone. We have a strong friendship and (usually) a good emotional connection. There are ups and downs, and we have nights that we don't talk to each other. Not because we are avoiding each other but because we don't alwasy need to converse to keep a connection. However, we do connect quite often throughout the day. It may be at lunch or supper or a simple phone call. I count her as my best friend. And a couple of weeks ago, she reiterated how she would still choose me all over again. And despite our problems in the lack of sex, I know of no one else who makes my life as enjoyable as she does. Looking back and knowing what I know, I cannot think of anyone else that I would choose either. My point is...marriages has ups and downs. We certainly have our times where we feel that the emotional connection is weak. I know my wife has "complained" about it more than once over the years. Those are the downs. And if this is a down then work to make it go up again. What did you do before that made him want you? What did you do that made him smile? While it is frustrating to have him only "want" you when he sexually wants you, it is a start. I am not a woman but I am guessing that you can make him want you more often too. You are right...nagging him about spending more time with you will not do it. You might enjoy being with him and cuddling him while you both watch TV. Taking small steps may lead to bigger steps and a better connection emotionally. The better emotional connection may give you a stronger excitement for sex, and then he will see that he is rewarded for his time with you and he will begin to enjoy it simply because it is fun. I am a guy who gets set in my routines and thinks they are the best way...until I find a new routine that is better. Perhaps your husband may find that to be true. When my wife "forces" me to accept change, then I am amazed at how often it turns out to be fun! The biggest thing that concerns me is that he does not want to be friends on FB. Does he show that he is married? What does he seek on FB? Does he spend time on FB in front of you? Does he share what he types or what friends type? I would not dream of not friending my wife. She would be more than just a little suspicious! While she does not know all of my friends, she knows that they can see without a doubt that I am married and her pictures with our children's pictures are plastered all over my timeline. And I can see the same with hers. If FB is a way for him to feel single, then I would be concerned. One last thing. You mentioned on another thread about a crush for someone else. You may want to examine why. Is it due to a lack of emotional connection in your marriage or is it true feelings for this person? I am inclined to believe that it is what you are lacking more than what this other guy has. Push to connect and don't give up. Seek to have what you had in your first year of marriage while keeping the security and familiarity that only the years together can bring. Thanks for your response - its good advice and I will sure want to practice what you have suggested here. It helps to see how a married man would see this. About my H not showing that he is married on FB - thats not the case - his profile picture has the picture of our kids - I know some of his friends on FB and they know that he is married. In my mind knowing someone is married doesnt change or restrict anything though. Now coming to my EA with this MM - I am not entirely sure what caused it or lead ot it. I think it was a combination of how we felt about one another - even though we never said it explicitly when we were in school - about 2 decades ago - and partially since I was lacking emotional attention or affection from my H. I do feel low about what things have come to...I cant say my H and I dont connect at all or talk at all....we do do fun stuff together as well. However, in my mind there's always a reward my H is looking forward to when he wants to show me that he cares --and thats SEX! And that makes me feel quite sick --almost like I am being manipulated---trust me this happening repeatedly isnt a good realization. The other recent thing I have noticed is that he has stopped wearing his wedding ring Its very difficult for me to even imagine that he might be having an affair --- I think he is just being indifferent. Or is that something I want to believe!! Wish there was a way to know for sure and then sometimes I ask myself do I really want to find out...what if he really was.....a broken family or a D is really not what I want our kids to go through....so
Author schoolmate Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 I saw your other thread. With your former EA, proper or not, and his not wanting to "friend" you on Face Book, I'd guess that there are a lot of secrets bieng kept in this relationship. Often, bieng distant is a way to keep the other person from finding something out. Other times, it's a way to start disbanding a reltationship. I don't know, but I get the sense that if this relationship is going to improve, one or both of you is going to have to be open about things that you aren't confortable with bieng open with. I hope this makes sense. Good luck! I see what you mean---- I am not quite sure about whats going on in my life. I wonder if I am looking for what doesnt exist ...and do I have the energy and motivation to create what doesnt exist.....not sure!!:confused:
JamesM Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 About my H not showing that he is married on FB - thats not the case - his profile picture has the picture of our kids - I know some of his friends on FB and they know that he is married. In my mind knowing someone is married doesnt change or restrict anything though. It depends on how he portrays himself on FB as happily married or married. As for kids, many men have kids in their pics without being married. If anything (I think) that is more attractive to women. It shows that they are good fathers. Now coming to my EA with this MM - I am not entirely sure what caused it or lead ot it. I think it was a combination of how we felt about one another - even though we never said it explicitly when we were in school - about 2 decades ago - and partially since I was lacking emotional attention or affection from my H. It probably was a combination, but thinking as myself, when i am more in love with my wife, then other women look less attractive. And when I am feeling less in love with my wife, then other women who normally wouldn't appeal as much to me seem more attractive. And if that woman was someone from my past, then I might be tempted to reclaim those past feelings. I don't judge you for the almost EA. I don't even consider it cheating per se. I think it could have led to that, but you stopped it before it went to far IMO. I do feel low about what things have come to...I cant say my H and I dont connect at all or talk at all....we do do fun stuff together as well. However, in my mind there's always a reward my H is looking forward to when he wants to show me that he cares --and thats SEX! And that makes me feel quite sick --almost like I am being manipulated---trust me this happening repeatedly isnt a good realization. I must admit that my own wife has made those comments in the past. Of course, we rarely have sex, and now I never mention it or even hint at it. But she has said that she could have been any woman and I would have been happy when I wanted sex. In other words, she didn't feel that sex was being used as an expression of love by me but as a means to fulfill my own needs. Shamefully, I must admit that she may have been right in some cases. (I have learned that the best part of sex is when she is uncontrollably enjoying it, but now she doesn't seem to have that...many factors contribute to that with health being a major one.) The other recent thing I have noticed is that he has stopped wearing his wedding ring Its very difficult for me to even imagine that he might be having an affair --- I think he is just being indifferent. I will quit wearing my ring on occasion, and it is for a couple of reasons. One, because my ring finger joint is hurting. I am serious, it does. Taking the ring off does help. Two, it is/was because I wanted to see if women will flirt with me. Yes, I admit it. Guess what? In general, women tend to be much more friendly and on the flirty side when I WEAR my ring! Go figure. I told my wife, and she said that women feel safer and feel I won't make advances to them. Now having said that, if i was really seeking out an affair, then obviously having a ring on would kill that for many women. And if I frequented bars (which I don't), then I suppose it would help to be sitting at the bar nursing a drink without a ring if I wanted a woman to come on to me. I don't know if he is in an affair or thinking of an affair or is being indifferent. But if this is a new thing, then I wonder why. But I can say that IF he were in an affair, then why would he quit wearing his ring when he is with you? Logically, he would only quit wearing it if he was out alone. Or is that something I want to believe!! Wish there was a way to know for sure There is. My wife noticed when I took my ring off because my finger joint hurt and made a comment. She asked why and was a bit offended. I told her why but I am not sure that was a good enough reason in her mind. I tend to keep it on now whenever I am around her, or I take it off in front of her and put it on when I leave her presence. Again, if I really wanted an affair, then I wouldn't be taking it off in front of her to make her suspicious. I would only do it away from her. So, you may have good reason to believe that this by itself is not an indicator of his feelings towards you. and then sometimes I ask myself do I really want to find out...what if he really was.....a broken family or a D is really not what I want our kids to go through....so Then you make a choice. Your happiness or the family's happiness. I have done that. I have decided that the family's happiness (or the boys' happiness) is more important than my own happiness regarding a lack of sex. So instead I post on here and find friends who help me get through it for now. What the future holds we will wait and see. If my wife were you, then being as assertive as she is, then she would ask and demand an answer. Question: your husband travels alot, you have said. How often is he gone? How many days at a time? Is it to the same place(s)? Does he travel alone or with the same colleagues? Does he have the "ability" to hide money or his spending habits from you? Does he have his own bank account or credit cards? Does he have a cell phone which you never see? Does he call you regularly when he is gone to tell you about his day or to simply say he loves you? How does he act when he gets home?
Author schoolmate Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 It depends on how he portrays himself on FB as happily married or married. As for kids, many men have kids in their pics without being married. If anything (I think) that is more attractive to women. It shows that they are good fathers. It probably was a combination, but thinking as myself, when i am more in love with my wife, then other women look less attractive. And when I am feeling less in love with my wife, then other women who normally wouldn't appeal as much to me seem more attractive. And if that woman was someone from my past, then I might be tempted to reclaim those past feelings. I don't judge you for the almost EA. I don't even consider it cheating per se. I think it could have led to that, but you stopped it before it went to far IMO. I must admit that my own wife has made those comments in the past. Of course, we rarely have sex, and now I never mention it or even hint at it. But she has said that she could have been any woman and I would have been happy when I wanted sex. In other words, she didn't feel that sex was being used as an expression of love by me but as a means to fulfill my own needs. Shamefully, I must admit that she may have been right in some cases. (I have learned that the best part of sex is when she is uncontrollably enjoying it, but now she doesn't seem to have that...many factors contribute to that with health being a major one.) I will quit wearing my ring on occasion, and it is for a couple of reasons. One, because my ring finger joint is hurting. I am serious, it does. Taking the ring off does help. Two, it is/was because I wanted to see if women will flirt with me. Yes, I admit it. Guess what? In general, women tend to be much more friendly and on the flirty side when I WEAR my ring! Go figure. I told my wife, and she said that women feel safer and feel I won't make advances to them. Now having said that, if i was really seeking out an affair, then obviously having a ring on would kill that for many women. And if I frequented bars (which I don't), then I suppose it would help to be sitting at the bar nursing a drink without a ring if I wanted a woman to come on to me. I don't know if he is in an affair or thinking of an affair or is being indifferent. But if this is a new thing, then I wonder why. But I can say that IF he were in an affair, then why would he quit wearing his ring when he is with you? Logically, he would only quit wearing it if he was out alone. There is. My wife noticed when I took my ring off because my finger joint hurt and made a comment. She asked why and was a bit offended. I told her why but I am not sure that was a good enough reason in her mind. I tend to keep it on now whenever I am around her, or I take it off in front of her and put it on when I leave her presence. Again, if I really wanted an affair, then I wouldn't be taking it off in front of her to make her suspicious. I would only do it away from her. So, you may have good reason to believe that this by itself is not an indicator of his feelings towards you. Then you make a choice. Your happiness or the family's happiness. I have done that. I have decided that the family's happiness (or the boys' happiness) is more important than my own happiness regarding a lack of sex. So instead I post on here and find friends who help me get through it for now. What the future holds we will wait and see. If my wife were you, then being as assertive as she is, then she would ask and demand an answer. Question: your husband travels alot, you have said. How often is he gone? How many days at a time? Is it to the same place(s)? Does he travel alone or with the same colleagues? Does he have the "ability" to hide money or his spending habits from you? Does he have his own bank account or credit cards? Does he have a cell phone which you never see? Does he call you regularly when he is gone to tell you about his day or to simply say he loves you? How does he act when he gets home? James -- its almost like you do hear all that I am saying an thanks for not judging me on the EA. I have to say that I wasnt the one who ended it and it has left me feeling quite hurt that the MM did and never felt the need to explain why! Its almost as if men dont care how a certain thing will affect women emotionally -- I know I am being judgmental here but I do feel it as of now Well coming back to my H -- I dont really think he's cheating on me or may be thats what I would like to believe. He manages all the money, we have joint accounts and he is the one paying for all CC bills---and I dont ever check them. Also, I dont know if he has a phone that I dont know about.... He's usually gone 2-3days every week - calls at the end of the day to wish the kids goodnight and also says that to me. If I ask about his day he would tell me 'usual stuff' or if I ask anything specifically like what he ate for dinner etc. When he gets back home --doesnt show any special love to me or I missed you etcs. Talks to the kids - usual stuff. I think I said it in another post but I am failing to gather the motivation and the energy to work on this esp since I see this being so one sided. Is that just him being a man or am I missing something!!:confused:
standtall Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Wow schoolmate, where to begin First, I have been happily married for 17 yrs and together for 23 with my wife. Let's start with my interpretation of some basic long term husband/wife dynamics. As far as this part, Now coming to my EA with this MM - I am not entirely sure what caused it or lead ot it. I think it was a combination of how we felt about one another - even though we never said it explicitly when we were in school - about 2 decades ago - and partially since I was lacking emotional attention or affection from my H. You are 100% on...even though it doesn't excuse it, You were seeking from him what you were not getting from your husband..your emotional needs and other "chick stuff". Guys are great at providing this while pursuing women..when we get them, we have a tendency to take our wives for granted and slack off. This part I do feel low about what things have come to...I cant say my H and I dont connect at all or talk at all....we do do fun stuff together as well. However, in my mind there's always a reward my H is looking forward to when he wants to show me that he cares --and thats SEX! And that makes me feel quite sick --almost like I am being manipulated---trust me this happening repeatedly isnt is most likely very true, but I don't know why you are sickened by it. You have been married long enough to know that most men, including your husband by the way it sounds, do not value the emotional connection as much as women do, and desire the physical connection. This is our nature. Now, you have not stated the manner by which you were married..did you get married in a church, temple, mosque, or other place of worship? Was it a city hall or other government building? It is my opinion that when a couple get married under God, they make 2 promises that day..1 to each other, and the other to God, to stay faithful to one another and make their marriage work..no matter how bored they are physically or emotionally. If you married under God, and your husband has faith, you can help him find his way to God again and that you should help save your husband from doing what it sounds like he is doing.. checking out of the marriage. If you got married in a government building, then you just have your promises to each other, and in my opinion, that is not strong enough. You are right to be concerned about the status of your marriage. There are 3 big, big red flags that indicate that he is checking out of the marriage or working on getting his physical connection needs met from someone else. 1. You had an EA with another man...even though he failed in providing you your emotional needs, he views as justification for getting what he needs elsewhere..he thinks that you did it, so he can do it. 2. He has taken his ring off. That is big..the ring symbolizes a tremendous amount in a marriage where couples choose to wear them. The first part is availability..he is sending a signal to every women that he encounters that he is available. It is a wall to them. The rest is the symbol of a broken marriage etc.."chick stuff", but the big one for men is availability. 3. His not friending you, and not having a family picture with you in it as his profile picture. He is hiding you from potential women that he will pursue. A committed, married man will put these things up as a wall to resist the temptation from other women. He has removed these barriers. I know, because I use them. As far as fixing your marriage, you have taken the first step..realizing what is going on ahead of an affair. If you are people that believe in a God, then find a counselor in your faith, and go together...ASAP. I would also recommend the Five languages of Love so you can understand both of your emotional needs, and also realize that your husband wants 2 physical things that are not a priority to you...he wants to playfully chase you, and he wants you physically.
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