Expected to assist someone to move out if they broke up with you?

[stolensi]

Quick summary is that she moved into the house I own a year ago and we've been together for over 2 years now. We've had our disagreements and at times hurtful things have been said to one another. She decided that she cannot go on with the relationship and we are in the process of breaking up and her moving out. I am hurt obviously because despite our differences I do love her.

 

Anyway, she was furious at the fact that I wasn’t "offering" to physically help her move her things out (she's moving back to her parents house for now until she decides what to do and where to go). Is this something that is just "expected"? Apparently her brother and parents are away this weekend and can't help her move but should she just assume that I would be enthusiastic about offering to help her?

 

What are peoples takes/experiences with this? Does the person leaving usually get help and does the person staying usually help them move their stuff and put themselves through that? I don't know how I would be able to see her and help her pack and move her things without being an emotional wreck. I don't want her so see me like that. This is hard for me and I want(ed) this relationship to work out and am very sad to see her go.

[sally4sara]

If you invite a friend over and let them bring their dog only to find out much later after they left that the dog deposited a big pile of crap in the back bedroom, its going to be petty and awkward to have them come all the way back out to pick it up instead of doing it yourself.

 

In other words - do you WANT to drag this emotional situation out? Do you WANT her family up in your place gathering up her stuff and being a part of the emotional moment at hand? Its your call.

[geegirl]

I don't know how I would be able to see her and help her pack and move her things without being an emotional wreck. I don't want her so see me like that. This is hard for me and I want(ed) this relationship to work out and am very sad to see her go.

 

If this is how you feel, then you are in no way obligated to put her feelings first. If it hurts you then you don't have to do it. Along with the choice of breaking up, comes the hardship of parting ways and removing belongings. She has to find a way to accomplish that herself without expecting you to contribute to her needs.

 

She could easily have friends help her or hire movers to do it for her. You certainly don't have to be there when she moves out and endure what is painful for you.

Edited August 31, 2012 by geegirl

[ace5950]

My ex and I broke up after a really long relationship. We owned our house, but when we bought it we decided to do it in just his name for financial purposes so I was the one that had to leave. He broke up with me, he kicked me out. He offered to help me move with some of his friends and I said HELL NO! First how weird would it be to have not only him, but his friends help me move out of our house. 2, this is a very emotional time and I wanted him no where near me. 3, I didnt want him to see, or step foot in my new apartment. I eneded up having to pay 600 dollars for movers but it was worth every penny. Moving out and breaking up is emotional enough without making things more uncomfortable with both parties being involved in moving someone out. She made the decision to move out so I don't see why she would think you would want to help! She probably knows you still love her and is taking advantage of you while you emotions are all messed up. She made the decision so she should have to deal with the consequences.

[january2011]

One way of looking at it is that you ensure she doesn't take anything that you don't want her to take. If I were you, I'd start separating her things from yours and putting them in a corner somewhere to expedite the process. That way, she's not rummaging all over your living space.

 

While it may be traumatic, it might be helpful to witness and experience her moving out, to help you to move on. Otherwise, you may come back to a starkly empty living space and the contrast may be even more painful to process. That is, consider it a purging of sorts.

 

Her being upset at you is neither here nor there. Focus on what you want to get out of this and if it's going to help you.

[8mia8]

Assuming the break-up was not due to something serious like abuse or cheating...

Regardless if I was the dumper or dumpee and who was moving out, yes, I would expect help or offer it. You were in a relationship together. Just because your heart breaks, doesn't mean you should treat the other person cruelly.

 

I don't go into a relationship without mutual love and respect. I also would not be in a relationship with someone who is immature and I'd be mature enough to handle myself through a few hours to help someone I love.

[geegirl]

Just because your heart breaks, doesn't mean you should treat the other person cruelly.

 

I don't believe he is unwilling to assist because of spite or immaturity but more so feeling too hurt to witness her leave, be a part of that separation process and end what he thought was his future. It's perfectly normal and acceptable. It would be a different story if he didn't want to because he was punishing her. He hasn't said that. He can't do it because he is hurt. I think his feelings should be taken into account rather than doing right by her and post-relationship.

[8mia8]

I don't believe he is unwilling to assist because of spite or immaturity but more so feeling too hurt to witness her leave, be a part of that separation process and end what he thought was his future. It's perfectly normal and acceptable.

Yes, it's normal to be hurt but to not be able to compose yourself for a few hours? I think that's immature. That said, there's nothing wrong with being emotionally immature to handle that.

[jdids247]

My ex tried to pull this on me, but she wasn't being necessarily rude about it. She wanted to know if I could help her. I politely ignored the message.

 

Isn't it funny how some people in the relationship feel that they're entitled to things? Blows my mind sometimes

[geegirl]

Yes, it's normal to be hurt but to not be able to compose yourself for a few hours? I think that's immature. That said, there's nothing wrong with being emotionally immature to handle that.

 

You're not in his shoes. You can't possibly define his feelings based on what you determine as maturity or immaturity. Feelings are feelings and especially after a break-up, the last thing you could possibly do is fake a face because the ex deserves the better of you. Good for you for being able to fake it. But he can't, and that is how he deals with his OWN feelings. Not everyone can be as "emotionally resilient" as you.

 

If he wants to do it and can endure it, by all means but if not, then he should not have to risk his own feelings for her.

 

There is nothing immature about being honest in that it hurts too much to watch someone you love go. It's immature IF he was doing it out of spite.

Edited August 31, 2012 by geegirl

[lil hoodlum]

I think you should help her by putting her stuff out on the front lawn!

 

Seriously, this is a tough call. I don't think you should have to if you don't want to. She's the one who wanted to walk away from the relationship so why should you make any easier for her to do so.

 

Heck you just might decide to change the locks now so that she can't just walk in your place anytime your not there.

[Radu]

It's in your best interest that she vacates the premises without any damage to your property.

 

So yes, but she moves the stuff by car and such.