Cyfarwydd Posted July 19, 2004 Posted July 19, 2004 My fiance and I have been dating for a while now. I love her more then life itself, she saved my life before we first began dating. >> Long story, I was suicidal and she helped me where no psychologist or anyone else could. We started dating, I was in love with her for a while before she helped me. Shes perfect to me, I accept her flaws though, but the one thing that could hurt me the most is infidelity. A few days ago she dropped a bomb-shell on me. She was at a party I begged her not to goto a couple months ago, I had a bad feeling. >> At the party she had a little too much to drink.. and something happened..... It hurts like nothing else. I rarely trust anyone in a low degree, I put all my trust and heart into her and she shattered both. I still love her regardless, and she shows powerful regret and sorrow for what she did, she was crying when we she had to go a bit earlier. We are a great couple.. we get along like no one else. She was courageous enough to actually tell me, shes listened to my hateful and resentful words quietly and without getting angry, I know I hurt her with them... >> I didnt know what I was saying, I was really hurt.. still am... She and I both want to continue the relationship, but we dont what steps to take. My heart and trust is broken.. she wants to regain them. I need this girl.. I've gotten so far into this and Dependant on her. That I need her to get up the next day. That may be a bad way to have a relationship, but thats how I am able to live. (chronic heavy depression with suicidal tendencies and a traumatic childhood, she and only she has the power to give me the will to push it back) Im still afraid she could do something like this again... I couldnt survive a second time.. How do I even begin to cope with this? Im so consumed with emotions that I dont know what I should do... Should I give her a second chance? I want to.. Should I call off the handfasting? As of right now.. I am confused and I need advice.. and have no friends to turn to that know how to deal with this. Maybe im too young to get involved in such a relationship so soon. I am only 18.. >< >> I want to spend the rest of my life with her....
uriel Posted July 19, 2004 Posted July 19, 2004 You should take more time before getting married. You are only 18. Slow things down. Your gf's slip doesn't mean your relationship can't or shouldn't go forward. It does mean that she needs to do some growing up. Your making her the center of your existence, such that you depend on her, means you do too. I understand how intense the emotional bond can be, especially when someone has helped you out of a dark, depressive hole. But, you've got to learn to stay out of that hole and live in the light on your own. Part of the reason this is hitting you so hard is because you have profound trust issues, part of it is because you have a self-esteem deficit. Her love can't compensate for the world you can't trust or the love you don't feel for yourself. It shouldn't. I say, stay together and work things out, but plan to hold of on marriage for a year or more. You need to bring more stable and mature selves to this partnership. -- uriel
DazednConfused Posted July 19, 2004 Posted July 19, 2004 Hello Cyfar, I feel your pain. Infidelity from the one person with whom you have placed all of your trust is crushing. I think you can probably get thru it with her for a couple of reasons; First, this was a one-time thing, and there were no emotions involved. Second, she came to you and had the guts to tell you. That says alot for the respect she has for you and your feelings. It will be difficult, and only you can decide when it is time to forgive. I do think however that your attachment to her and dependency at such a young age (or any age for that matter) does not bode well for you. One of the first things you will need to realize for yourself in order to get over her infidelity is that even if things don't work out, you are strong enough to survive without her. If you continue to "need" her emotional support just to get out of bed, you will run the risk of letting her run roughshod over you. She will feel no accountability because she will know that she can anything she wants and you will just bend over and take it. When you realize that you have some value in and of yourself, you can then expect others to treat you that way. Good luck! I am wishing you the best.
Author Cyfarwydd Posted July 19, 2004 Author Posted July 19, 2004 Originally posted by uriel You should take more time before getting married. You are only 18. Slow things down. Your gf's slip doesn't mean your relationship can't or shouldn't go forward. It does mean that she needs to do some growing up. Your making her the center of your existence, such that you depend on her, means you do too. I understand how intense the emotional bond can be, especially when someone has helped you out of a dark, depressive hole. But, you've got to learn to stay out of that hole and live in the light on your own. Part of the reason this is hitting you so hard is because you have profound trust issues, part of it is because you have a self-esteem deficit. Her love can't compensate for the world you can't trust or the love you don't feel for yourself. It shouldn't. I say, stay together and work things out, but plan to hold of on marriage for a year or more. You need to bring more stable and mature selves to this partnership. -- uriel I agree, the handfasting isnt for another year and a half. I am trying to be able to be happy on doing other things aside from her.. to take some pressure off of her, but I cant do it instantly. Im trying, im growing, im changing. Takes time.. Im still being pulled out. Once I am fully out, ill discover more to be happy about. My life has been hard, I had to grow up fast. Im 18 but emotionally im about 35, but still 18 in the love aspects, im really new at this. I never had anyone I could trust, or call a friend. I've also been though alot of bad relationships that left me emotionally dead. So yah.. I have trust issues, not good to only trust her.. when she breaks it (and she did) it really messes me up mentally. She was the first real, good thing that has ever happened to me. I'll always cherish her for what she did.. I think us being more mature and her being more devoted in it will come as a result of this.. Im trying, so is she.. Originally posted by DazednConfused Hello Cyfar, I feel your pain. Infidelity from the one person with whom you have placed all of your trust is crushing. I think you can probably get thru it with her for a couple of reasons; First, this was a one-time thing, and there were no emotions involved. Second, she came to you and had the guts to tell you. That says alot for the respect she has for you and your feelings. It will be difficult, and only you can decide when it is time to forgive. I do think however that your attachment to her and dependency at such a young age (or any age for that matter) does not bode well for you. One of the first things you will need to realize for yourself in order to get over her infidelity is that even if things don't work out, you are strong enough to survive without her. If you continue to "need" her emotional support just to get out of bed, you will run the risk of letting her run roughshod over you. She will feel no accountability because she will know that she can anything she wants and you will just bend over and take it. When you realize that you have some value in and of yourself, you can then expect others to treat you that way. Good luck! I am wishing you the best. Others do treat me with respect and stuff, becuase thats the person I portray. Shes the only one that knows the real me, the incredibly sensitive one. Everyone else sees the dark loner. That is basicly at my outside. I know my attachment to her is unhealty, but its what was able to get me out of that hole that I was in. My being able to depend on her so, is what made me actully be able to survive that period of 3 months when everything in my life was falling apart a year ago. She was the only constant at that time, still is really. The aspects of my emotions are growing due to her and her love. Shes already told me shes going to devote herself to regaining my trust. Ill forgive her if she actully tries. We've both changed because of the other.. slowly, but we are. Only time will tell I guess, and if it goes wrong, I hope I have enough strength to survive on my own...
Strontium Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 This probably isn't good advice at all, but I would say give her a taste of her own medicine. Hurt her like she hurt you by going off and having a fling. That's what I would feel like doing, anyway. If nothing else, it would teach her that she can't just sleep with any guy she fancies. Getting drunk is no excuse. None whatsoever. And if you have the same experience as her, it gives you an insight into just how screwed-up her mind is. I just feel that if you don't teach her a lesson, and make a powerful statement that shows her that you are just as able to be without her as she is without you, then she will not change. You see, this girl knows that she can do pretty much whatever she likes because you say that you need her to live. She knows that she can go off with someone else, because you cannot be without her. Show her that she is wrong. Show her you can get someone else at the drop of a hat. I think you are with this girl because you are scared of life without her. Be a man. Show her you fear nothing. Because only when you show her that you are fearless will she respect you. Right now she has no respect for you, as she showed by getting loaded and going off with some random guy who showed an interest in her. For double bonus points, try and sleep with the girlfriend of the guy who encroached upon your territory. Strontium
Debster Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 Face it - she is too young to be married. Her sleeping with someone else shows she is not ready to be committed till death do you part. I highly suggest counselling for you to help you deal with losing her and what caused you to contemplate suicide earlier. Good luck.
Recommended Posts