curiousgirl731 Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I am in a relationship with a guy from the last 2 years. We had a very stable relationship and an awesome time together. There were very few arguements and no insecurities. We were planning to get engaged in the next few months and get married within a year. We had even started talking to each other's families. He had moved to a another country for work last year. We used to meet once in 3-4 months ( for 10-15 days). Though long distance was difficult , we were making it work. Everything changed all of a sudden when he said that he thinks he might cheat on me and that we wants to have sexual relationship with other women too, even after marriage. Sometimes, he says its because of the long distance that he is feeling deprived of sex and sometimes he says this has been in his mind for a while. He says 90% men cheat on their partners and never tell them and that at least he is being honest. He says he wants to be with me and find a midway for this issue like threesome, lapdance, sex outside marriage once in a year. He had once gone for lapdance sometime back and he told me about it on his birthday. But at that time, he sounded apologetic about it and mentioned that he wouldnt go for it again. So, I was fine with it. But now he says that he had said he wouldnt go for lapdance because he wanted to try other things. I dont know what to believe, but one thing seems certain that he was never truly committed and all his talks about future plans together were fake. My trust on him is broken, my self-esteem shattered and hence i have made up my mind to break up with him. But i am just curious -- is it true that 90% men cheat on their partners ? if that is the case, i would probably never be able to trust anyone. Is there anyone who had similar issues , then how did u deal with it ? What he said about men's nature, is that true ? Please give your honest opinion.
USMCHokie Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 But i am just curious -- is it true that 90% men cheat on their partners ? Only if it's also true that 90% of women cheat on their partners. 5
Pyro Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 If you ask 10 guys and nine of them say yes then you are correct. 2
GorillaTheater Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 98%, minimum. Just can't seem to keep that damn thing in my pants. Gotta go. Here comes my secretary. 2
Robert Z Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I would bet that at least 90% of men who cheat on their partners claim that 90% of men cheat on their partners. I never did. 2
Greznog Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 More like 102%, and that's just the guys who admit it.
Robert Z Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 More like 102%, and that's just the guys who admit it. Why do you say this?
Taramere Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I am in a relationship with a guy from the last 2 years. We had a very stable relationship and an awesome time together. There were very few arguements and no insecurities. We were planning to get engaged in the next few months and get married within a year. We had even started talking to each other's families. He had moved to a another country for work last year. We used to meet once in 3-4 months ( for 10-15 days). Though long distance was difficult , we were making it work. Everything changed all of a sudden when he said that he thinks he might cheat on me and that we wants to have sexual relationship with other women too, even after marriage. Sometimes, he says its because of the long distance that he is feeling deprived of sex and sometimes he says this has been in his mind for a while. He says 90% men cheat on their partners and never tell them and that at least he is being honest. He says he wants to be with me and find a midway for this issue like threesome, lapdance, sex outside marriage once in a year. He had once gone for lapdance sometime back and he told me about it on his birthday. But at that time, he sounded apologetic about it and mentioned that he wouldnt go for it again. So, I was fine with it. But now he says that he had said he wouldnt go for lapdance because he wanted to try other things. I dont know what to believe, but one thing seems certain that he was never truly committed and all his talks about future plans together were fake. My trust on him is broken, my self-esteem shattered and hence i have made up my mind to break up with him. But i am just curious -- is it true that 90% men cheat on their partners ? if that is the case, i would probably never be able to trust anyone. Is there anyone who had similar issues , then how did u deal with it ? What he said about men's nature, is that true ? Please give your honest opinion. Distance will put any relationship under strain. I would say that if he's talking about cheating, and telling you that 90% of men cheat, then it's likely that he's already cheated on you. He's giving himself a pat on the back with the "at least I'm honest" - therefore affording himself the moral high ground above whatever percentage of men he's decided cheat but don't admit to it. I don't really know what to suggest in terms of learning to trust somebody else. I was in a pretty similar situation to you once, and it definitely did break my trust into a lot of pieces. The way I feel nowadays is that I focus on trusting myself to cope if other people let me down. It's not what fairytales are made of, but I don't regard it as unacceptably cynical. 5
SteveC80 Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Plenty of women cheat Id say most women are now cheating in the workplace because if a women makes any bond or connection with a guy she thinks its her new "soulmate"
Crusoe Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 No, 90% of men dont cheat. Your fella is telling lies to try and justify his own selfish desires. He's a worm, forget about him and don't let him change you. 2
january2011 Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Your fella is telling lies to try and justify his own selfish desires. He's a worm, forget about him and don't let him change you. This. Do not let him pull the wool over your eyes. He threw a statistic at you that he probably pulled out of thin air to try to legitimise his individual actions. Please don't let him persuade you that just because he is a man, he's going to cheat. His actions are his actions. They are not because he is a man and he has no choice. Cheating is a choice. He chooses to cheat. He is one man. There are many men in the world for whom he is not the self-appointed spokesperson. Those men have more control over themselves and can maintain respectful boundaries. With regard to trust, be honest and open in your communication with your future partner and ask for the same. You now know the signs and will have a better idea of when someone's moral character makes him an unsuitable partner for you. If, however, your thoughts and beliefs after this experience push you too far into paranoia and suspicion then you may wish to consider therapy - but for now, focus on healing rather than trying to anticipate how the next guy will behave. 3
shiftman Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 I'm curious, Curious: Why is your self esteem damaged?
carhill Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Using the LS standard of engaging in *any* behavior with someone other than one's committed partner that one's committed partner would object to if present would likely find the numbers approaching those offered. This would range from inappropriate flirting on up to intercourse. Of course, everyone defines 'cheating' individually. One person's 'cheating' is another's 'being friendly'. I would submit it's hard to find a universal definition that everyone will agree upon so offered the pretty restrictive definition often seen here on LS. In the case of the OP's situation, my opinion is that the guy simply lubricated the disclaimer skids to engage in disclosed polyamory. Not uncommon. He'll come back to the disclaimer later if/when confronted. Once disclosed/disclaimed, it's not cheating, rather open infidelity/polyamory. So, he's disclosed/disclaimed. If it matches up with the OP's perspective on relationships, that. If not, that. Apparently, not.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 I think it depends on what is considered cheating. Regardless though, I think that only men who cheat and women that have been cheated on would agree with that statistic. Anger and bitterness could prompt a BS to agree with that, men who cheat will use it is a justification. I personally do not believe the statistic. I have never been cheated on though, so maybe i picked men in the 10% range.
threebyfate Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 curiousgirl, he's full of it and more. From what you've written in the opening post, he's been grooming you with little hints dropped over the years for an open relationship so I'm uncertain why you're suddenly shattered. But I'd get rid of him. He's telling you flat out that monogamy isn't in his bag of tricks. 1
Imported Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 Depends on what phase the moon is in. You only get 90% when it's a full moon. Half moon, it's @72.56239ish%. 1/4 moon, it's exactly 50%. If it's a blood moon...OMFG, lock your doors!
M30USA Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 (edited) My wife told me the same thing: that she felt the strong urge to have an affair with another man. Fast forward a year and she has assaulted me with a board, gotten arrested, and soon after filed for divorce and custody of the children. I never actually thought she would have an affair. I figured she was just telling me she felt tempted but would never go through with it. Only now, in restrospect, am I beginning to think that she might have. The ironic thing is that she was AWALYS grilled me and suspected that I was having an affair. After she got my phone records released to her through divorce discovery, she (or a private investigator) began to call each of my main contacts from a restricted number, waited for a hello, then hung up. Ridiculous. But you know what they say about liars...they never believe anyone else. Edited September 2, 2012 by M30USA
CaliGuy Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Women cheat, men cheat. For there to be cheating, people have to be apparently silly enough not to ask enough questions (or even care). I don't know how anyone can say that 90% of men alone cheat. Who are they cheating with? Only single women?! I honestly doubt that. Been cheated on myself, not a fun thing to deal with but in all honesty, the best thing you can do is simply walk away. Directly to your post, LDRs are hard on both people. I think if someone is going to be gone longer than a month then you should break off the relationship. People often give in to "primal" urges so either you guys are flying around to see each other one every week or two or someone is going to stray.
Emilia Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Why do you say this? Because he can't add up
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