Spin-off from an infidelity thread. Why choose not to cheat

[HokeyReligions]

In another thread I referenced part of my life and was asked a question to which I would like to respond. It had nothing to do with the other thread so I broke it out to a new thread.

 

quote from HokeyReligions:

I quit a job---a GREAT job that I loved and I still 'mourn' for sometimes---because there was a man there who wanted to have an affair with me. At that time my husband and I had not had sex in over 10 YEARS! Don't you think the temptation was tremendous for me?!

 

 

HokeyReligious....I just wanted to pick your brain for a minute ....if you're husband had had an affair but then you and he were having the "dry season"....would you have been more inclined to give into the temptation?? (I know this isn't right) but would you have felt more inclined to think "well he could have sex with her (which had ALL kinds of risks) but wouldn't have sex with me!" Could you have fought off the temptation as much??

 

 

My husband and I had a lot of problems, one of which was sex. Or rather, lack of sex. His choice--not mine.

I was very much tempted to have an affair. The OM didn't want to at first because he did not want to BE an OM. But he really liked me and we hit it off as good friends. There was a connection or chemistry. He was younger than me and that had an appeal too. It made me even more frustrated at home somethimes.

 

I tried to imagine how I would have reacted if during this time I found out that my husband had had an affair. First, I would have killed him! It would have been the fight heard 'round the world! I would have kicked his butt to the curb and burned everything he owned. I don't know that my reaction would have been too less severe if we had had a decent sex life ourselves at the time--but in my case, we had not had sex in 10+ years. For him to have an affair at that time would have been a real slap in the face, even more-so than normal. I'm not explaining myself here well.

 

Anyway, I probably would have felt like I needed to Get Even with him. I probably would have felt that his affair was giving me permission to have my own affair. I think, I HOPE, that I would have recognized in myself that sex with the OM would have been done out of revenge and anger, and not out of longing for sexual fullfilment, or a desire to be with someone new. I think that alone would have stopped me. But also, I would still be cheating and I would not have wanted to lower myself to my husbands standards; and I know I would have lost all respect for myself, and risked hurting others (my family, the OM). I am 99% sure that I would NOT have gone through with it and I know that the OM would have recognized the reasons and stopped me too. We were good friends and he's a very nice guy.

 

I've made some rash decisions out of anger or fear, and I've learned from them and applied the 'count to 10' method very successfully in many situations.

[VivianLee]

Thanks HokeyReligions for answering my question....

 

I'm beginning to think my affair was more of a revenge thing. Because I reacted so weird to hubby's affair. I cried and begged his forgiveness for not being the wife I should be (that's why he told me had the affair) and did everything in his terms to get him back. When we got back, he was getting everything he wanted out of the marriage but I was left high and dry (pun intended) .....Another thing though, I was so in the dark as to what exactly their relationship was that I really wasn't having a hard time till September 11, 2001 (what an irony there, I get reminded of it every anniversary of 9/11) when I found his e-mails to her and realized they had talked marriage and that they're relationship was much more passionate and closer than he and I'd been for years!! Plus, I found out they'd talked for the first 2 years we were married (that meant through my pregnancy and birth of my child) and then again 10 yrs later (if that's the truth).....when I found that out, something died in me and I should have ran straight to a counselor and we both should have went to counseling. So then I started comparing what we had to what they had....when our sex life still didn't pick up (he could have sex with someone he barely knew but wouldn't have it with me).....I gave up.....DISCLAIMER (This is not a reason or excuse to cheat) when I started having the affair, my relationship got so much better with my husband!! I stopped feeling bitter and stopped feeling hurt about the affair, of course now I know (for LS) it was just a bandaid on the hurt!! Weird stuff!!

 

I've made some rash decisions out of anger or fear, and I've learned from them and applied the 'count to 10' method very successfully in many situations.

 

I wish that I had used that method! I really do!! I always said I'd never or couldn't do that. Especially to another woman after the hurt I felt.....but I did!

[quankanne]

For him to have an affair at that time would have been a real slap in the face, even more-so than normal

 

"he can do it with her but he refuses to even give it up to ME?!!!!" is what I think is going through your mind, or something akin to that. To me, it'd be bad enough having your husband screwing around on you while he was still sexually active with you, but even worse if he refused to try to make things work in bed with you, but didn't have a problem doing it for someone else. Which only magnifies any feeling of inadequacy you'd have because of the sexual dysfunction in your relationship.

 

I would have kicked his butt to the curb and burned everything he owned

 

 

remind me to tell you about my older sister's reaction upon finding out her beloved spouse was giving it up to a younger, married woman! I wouldn't go as far as she did, but my husband would definitely be the recipient of an asterisk-whuppin' ....

 

I tell DH that I wouldn't sleep around on him even if I was angry enough to want to do so, because I don't want to be that kind of person. However, it's easy to feel this way -- to be so staunch in my conviction -- because I really haven't been tempted by the "right" person, and I'm pretty sure that when it comes to that point, there is going to be huge mental struggle going on in my little brain.

[Beth]

Originally posted by quankanne

I'm pretty sure that when it comes to that point, there is going to be huge mental struggle going on in my little brain.

 

Optimism thy name is Quankanne! WHEN it comes to that point. Not IF, but WHEN!

[quankanne]

I've had to eat my words before, so I figure I'm warding off any self-directed hexes! or is this my escape clause?

 

[Grinning Maniac]

What exactly was your husband's reason for not wanting to have sex? 10 years...G'DAMN...that's a long time. I think I'd have to kill myself lol.