Yourstruely1980 Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Hi I've been in a relationship for 10 years with my partner. He has recently proposed aswell. I am truly in love with him and want to be his wife. But for the last few years he has been loosing sexual interest in me and I am worried this is never going to improve and is it fair to commit in marriage when I fear he may never be able to give me what I need. When we first started dating and for a few years we were always sexually active our sex life was amazing but slowly his interest in me began to reduce. I suppose I never helped as I was always upfront and asked what was wrong and he said all I done was make an issue out of it and any time I raised it again he would become annoyed saying I should just drop it. So drop it I have but nothing has ever changed. It's been 4 years and we have sex about once every 4 months. It kills me and I try to talk about this with him but he refuses to talk and says its normal we're both leading busy lives and are tired. We decides to try and schedule sex so at a specific time we would go upstairs. It felt so strange to be so planned and unnatural like it use to be. I could tell aswell he was following a process it wasn't natural for him this made me worse and not able to relax either. I worry now there is this big cloud Over us everytime we 'schedule' it in we can't seem to relax with each other. I just want it to be spontaneous like it use to be where we didn't have to try so hard. I know he has put on allot of weight and says he feels self conscious I still love him though and have tried so many different ways to help him loose weight like running together going to the gym together but he does it for a week then stops, so how will he get his libido back if he never tries to loose weight? I feel like a sex starved maniac. I could walk around naked which I do sometimes just to get a reaction from him and he doesn't even blink?! Now I'm feeling so self conscious and it's affecting my confidence I just want to feel sexually loved like a woman to be held by him and know he lusts after me. The only time I feel this is when someone else Compliments me, even when we are out I look for him to show me some attention I try to make a special effort to look even better for him but it goes unnoticed, I could be swinging from a Lampshade for all he would notice. We have had so many trips away which I thought would give us a chance to be together alone get dressed up and make an effort every time we were out he would flatter me in front of others but the minute we were back at the hotel he would fall asleep. I feel like we've drifted so long and now have lost that sexual Connection. I know I'm not sexually satisfied and feel uncomfortable. But I love him and I know he loves me he asked me to marry him but is this what my marriage will be like? Is this normal? A 'friend' suggested I turn to someone else to get my sexual pleasure and feel wanted by a man but I don't think I could do that to him I know he's in there somewhere. What do I do?
TigerCub Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 "I just want to feel sexually loved like a woman to be held by him and know he lusts after me. The only time I feel this is when someone else Compliments me" That is very concerning - that's the type of stuff that's used as rationalization later on to have an affair. I'm sorry that things have changed with your partner. I don't think you should marry someone when you're already dissatisfied with your sex life. Don't get married hoping that things will get better. Sex and affection are so very important in a relationship, so please don't tie yourself down to him if this issue is only going to get worse. You need to resolve this issue BEFORE getting married. You say that he's self conscious because of his weight gain - so can you rule out for sure that he's not cheating on you with someone else? Does he look at a lot of porn? I feel for you, but you really need to work this stuff out before you get married - see a sex therapist together. If he's unwilling to work on it and get to the real problem and find a solution with you - don't count on it getting better. Furthermore, tell that meddling bad influence of a friend to stop all that noise about you going elsewhere. She's just going to eventually convince you that you should cheat, and maybe down the road it will work. If you're unhappy now, don't promise a lifetime to someone and a situation that you're not satisfied with. It's not fair to you and its not fair to him. Good luck.
Author Yourstruely1980 Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 I know it worries me aswell feeling like this feeling like I am Unattractive to him and that he has no desire for me. I honestly don't think he would cheat on me I know you can never be sure but he has said he's just not a sexually active person before. He works such long hours and I can tell he's exhausted. He is working as his work has been so busy since his promotion but when he gets time off all he seems to want to do is lie around sleeping or getting drunk and being the life and sole around his mates. I put on this happy face when I know we're not perfect. He says it's normal and I should stop going on about it all the time. Is it normal to only have sex every Couple of months or longer and when it happens it's scheduled? I can't help think there's maybe more I can do? I have wanted to marry him for so long and he's never been up For it over the last few years I've never mentioned it and out of the blue he's asked. I think this is what I've always wanted but I want him completely! I don't think I could bear to be without him I know I want to spend my life with him but I want more sexually and to feel like he wants more. He's not into porn atall, infant when we have sex it's like he's lost his ability to pleasure me and suggests I finish myself off most of the time. I've suggested shaking it up abit and role playing or being abit more dominant but he's said no as I'd just laugh. There is no way he would see a counsellor he's not like that Type of person who would open up god he barely opens up to me.aybe I am pushing him too much?
TigerCub Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I know it worries me aswell feeling like this feeling like I am Unattractive to him and that he has no desire for me. I honestly don't think he would cheat on me I know you can never be sure but he has said he's just not a sexually active person before. He works such long hours and I can tell he's exhausted. He is working as his work has been so busy since his promotion but when he gets time off all he seems to want to do is lie around sleeping or getting drunk and being the life and sole around his mates. I put on this happy face when I know we're not perfect. He says it's normal and I should stop going on about it all the time. Is it normal to only have sex every Couple of months or longer and when it happens it's scheduled? I can't help think there's maybe more I can do? I have wanted to marry him for so long and he's never been up For it over the last few years I've never mentioned it and out of the blue he's asked. I think this is what I've always wanted but I want him completely! I don't think I could bear to be without him I know I want to spend my life with him but I want more sexually and to feel like he wants more. He's not into porn atall, infant when we have sex it's like he's lost his ability to pleasure me and suggests I finish myself off most of the time. I've suggested shaking it up abit and role playing or being abit more dominant but he's said no as I'd just laugh. There is no way he would see a counsellor he's not like that Type of person who would open up god he barely opens up to me.aybe I am pushing him too much? All those things in bold just sound so incredibly undesirable and a huge turn off / problem - to me at least. He's not even trying and he doesn't want you to complain. He sounds lazy and selfish. He wont even be open to at least getting his testosterone levels checked or even see a sex therapist. If that's what you want to sign up for for the rest of your life - then go, godspeed, but personally, I sure as hell wouldn't. Its not so much all the negative things he's doing, its more the fact that he's completely unwilling to discuss things and try to find a solution. Because of that things will not get better. Please don't become one of those people that gets married (fully knowing the problem) then complains about feeling stuck and unhappy a few months after. You know the situation, what you do next is up to you. Maybe you need to be honest about your fears and about not being satisfied in the relationship. Maybe, you need to tell him its causing you to be unhappy and have doubts about getting married. Maybe he needs to see just how serious the problem is.
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