How do I let go of him, he's never going to leave her!!!!!

[vanandme4him]

It started off like a fairy tale...i was in a very unhappy marriage. I had all the load on my shoulders, financially, emotionally, child-rearing. Then all of a sudden an old boyfriend whom I had broken up with at 18 years old, e-mailed his way back into my life (I was 29 at the time the first e-mail arrived). We started an on-line friendship, only. But after three months of corresponding this way, it was obvious we both wanted to see each other again.

So, finally we did. And it was as if not a day had gone by in our relationship. We began an affair (i was married and he had a long-time girlfriend). It was spectacular, wonderful, passionate, comfortable, sweet, erotic, it was everything. Of course, according to him he was with her out of duty. She had stuck by him through difficult areas of his life. He was not "in love" with her, but he loved her...quite a bit. They had a sort of agreement, where he could see other women. It was okay with her. You see, he took care of her. He pays her rent, buys her expensive things, takes her on expensive trips, gallavants around town in exotic cars, etc, etc, etc.

Of course, I (being the stupid, naive person I was) thought that he would leave her and choose me over her. That was in May of 2003.

After bouts of depression, eating disorders, long periods of us not going out as much, I know for sure he's never going to leave her. Of course, not. That's not the issue, the issue is WHY CAN'T I LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!!!!!

Can someone please tell me? It's so complicated. Oh, BTW did I mention that he bankrolled my divorce? Yeah, at least he paid for it...still not final yet. He's also going to finance some cosmetic surgery. But I swear it's not about that. I'm not even sure it's love at this point. It's the principle of it all. How could he just flip flop like that on me? He does it often, mind you.

We'll be on again for months, then all of a sudden...not a call, not an e-mail...nothing....AS IF!!! WHo does he think he is? And of course, me being the idiot I am...I make myself so available for him. The worst part is that I won't allow myself to date anyone with true intention of starting a relationship.

This man, he's got it all. It sucks. He's a very difficult man to follow. Trust me...he's been blessed in many ways. As a matter of fact, sometimes I wonder if he's not sold his soul to the devil to have as much as he does (i'm kidding...i think).

I guess I just need some support. Anyone out there that can related? It's as if I love him and hate him, want to see him then cringe at the thought, admire him and am disgusted by him.

And of course, this weekend he just picked up his new Mercedez and spent the whole freakin' weekend with her. UGH!!

I almost want to push him against a wall and give him an ultimatum where he'll tell me to back the hell off. That would be more humane than his methods now. That way I can just consider myself permanently dumped, can grieve the (non)relationship and finally move on.

Girls? Anyone? Someone? Please?

[YellowLioness]

I've never been the other woman, but I'd still like to say something that may help.

 

Everyone goes through tough time with the person that they love. I think that is universal. BUT, when does it reach the point where it's actually "bad" for you?

 

IMHO, it's when one partner stops respecting the other partner. You did not respect your marriage to your husband, and now you're with someone who does not respect you.

 

When someone does not call you for long periods of time after a few "hot" encounters, you can bet that they don't really need you for anything except taking care of physical desires. If he needed you, he would be with you. Can you argue with that? Respect is essential.

 

If he loved you, he would buy you pretty things and take you nice places. Does he? He would call you, tell you that he misses you, and you are the love of his heart... There would be no other woman in the picture. You are convenient for him. He's a user.

 

Also, this is think is obvious... the reason that he hasn't called you is that he's spending time with the girlfriend, who knows nothing of you, honey. Of course she has her attention. She's the one that he loves.

 

The only way to cure this problem is for you to end the relationship. He won't leave her, so it's up to you to be strong. So, get mad at him. You deserve better, I'm sure.

 

Take whatever time you need to heal. You don't have to make any decisions yet; however, the longer you wait the more it will hurt in the end, and the more time you waste heart broken over a jerk that will never appreciate you when there are thousands of nice guys that you could be spending your time with.

[vanandme4him]

thanks for your reply. i must admit, it's hard to hear but quite needed.

 

not to justify, but he does buy me gifts. all my louis bags and jimmy choo shoes and tiffany jewelry i couldn't afford on my own. but i know he does it just to pacify me. and yes he does tell me he loves me, but again it's just to pacify the moment.

 

ok, so in your opinion, should i still let him pay for the boob job and then dump him? come on, say it's okay. one last hoorah, right?

 

seriously, i will take your advice to heart.

 

oh and BTW, my hubby had an affair too. five months before i started mine.

[YellowLioness]

I'm sorry that your husband had an affair. I hate that stuff. I can only imagine how painful that must be. I think you rebounded onto this ex, lots of people do it, I've done it.

It's easy to transfer feelings from one relationship to another, especially if they come close together. I rebounded with the last two people I was dating, and it is SO easy to just transfer those feelings over onto that person so that there will not be a gap in between the times when you are getting love and attention. It's hard sometimes to see whether you are actually in love with someone, or whether you are just in love with being in love.

 

Anyway... about the boob job...

 

I'm sure you've heard this before, but I'm going to tell you anyway. ;-)

 

Regardless if you have cup A boobs to cup EEE, I'm sure that they're just fine with out enhancement. I know it's your body, and you can do what you want (to paraphrase Cartman from Southpark). If God meant for everyone to have tripple D perky boobs, then that's what we'd all have. But, our differences make us beautiful, and I'm sure that you are beautiful just the way you are.

 

Ok, now as to whether HE should pay for them...

Alot of people would be like, "Eh, sure, take him for all he's worth!" lol. I'm not one of them. I believe that when you give someone a gift that a part of your essence remains on the gift. Regardless of whether you agree with me or not, everytime you look down and see those nice, perky double D's, you'll remember that he paid for them.

 

You will be bonded forever to him (unless you take those bad girls out, that is). Do you really want to be reminded of him everytime you put on a bra? I sure wouldn't want to have to think of someone I hated everyday.

 

If you REALLY want them, save up for them yourself. He's just nothing but bad news. You deserve better; you deserve someone who will make you feel like a princess with or with out a boob job. And actually... you should make yourself feel like a princess BEFORE you start dating again ;-)

 

Just my two cents, hon. :-) Good luck.

[Beach Gurl]

1. keep on browsing this forum

2. keep on browsing this forum

3. keep on browsing this forum

4. read "In the the Meantime" by Ayanla Vanzant

5. be strong, put post-it notes up EVERYWHERE which remind you of your goal, be good to yourself.

 

I tell you it's opened my eyes to how many of "us" there are out there, has been a definite turning point for me. I have been the OW for 2 1/2 years, allegedly no love or passion in his marriage, but he has recently confirmed he cannot leave his wife (and 2 children).

 

I am NOT saying it is easy to walk away. As recently as yesterday I spent the afternoon crying so hard my chest hurt (know what i mean?).

 

You will, sooner or later, get to the point where you just cannot do it anymore, especially if you are not getting what you want out of the relationship. I know I want more than to be his convenience/bit on the side as much as he claims to love me. I would do ANYTHING for this man, and the simple truth is that he cannot do the same for me. Yes, you deserve better, we all do - even if that means being alone --- thats the tough part to deal with, accept and live (if thats the way it is meant to be).

 

Some words of wisdom from the abovementioned book - "A meantime relationship is always the one you need at that point in your life. It is either preparing you from something better or protecting you from something worse."

[supermom]

It's almost like he is using his money to keep women around. Are you sure you are the only OW? I ask this because of your health concerns.

 

At least he paid one bill for you...your divorce.

 

This just sounds like a toxic relationship, and you deserve better.

[vanandme4him]

Thank you guys so much for responding.

 

Supermom, at this point...yes, I'm the only other woman, but there have been times when there have been others as well. As demeaning as it may sound I'm permanent girl #2...others do come and go from time to time.

 

I saw my therapist today and of course she agreed with all of you...not the best relationship for me. He is toxic, but I'm addicted. As a matter of fact, while I was in session with my therapist complaining about how it was two days since he called last...my phone rang and it was him.

 

After my session I called him back and we again talked for hours. Like nothing ever happend. It was wonderful conversation. We just flow so well together. He even had the oddasity to say "i'm so lucky to have you back in my life, you are such a sweet woman". And like the idiot that I am, it's all it took to get me hooked again.

 

Regardless, I told him I'm going to the plastic surgeons on Thursday for my initial consultation. Told him a quote would be forthcoming. He just chuckled said OK and "suggested" that I make sure to not make the mistake of underestimating the size I want. Translation: he wants me to get D's. Not gonna happen. I'm little (5'3) and hispanic. All the women in my family have hips, REAL hips...so I'd look kinda vulgar with D's.

 

Anyways, at least he sounded excited about it.

 

I'm just so glad I found this site. You have no idea how wonderful it feels to know that there are others out there is similar situations.

 

Take Care...

[Naive]

Originally posted by vanandme4him

It was spectacular, wonderful, passionate, comfortable, sweet, erotic, it was everything. Of course, according to him he was with her out of duty. She had stuck by him through difficult areas of his life. He was not "in love" with her, but he loved her...quite a bit. They had a sort of agreement, where he could see other women. It was okay with her. You see, he took care of her. He pays her rent, buys her expensive things, takes her on expensive trips, gallavants around town in exotic cars, etc, etc, etc.

 

Let me tell you that if he does not leave her it's because he loves her, she's not even his wife which means he does not have to go through a divorce and if he loved you he would do it!!!!! You would not have to settle to be #2 permanent.

 

You are doing well by going to a therapist that will help you out a lot!

 

Good Luck