Gwenny Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I found out a few months ago that mh was talking to aw through text and bbm, going back through my phone bills there were hundreds of text and calls not even sure on the bbm. I confronted both and they only owned up to friendship. My husband had lost his father a few months before and we were having some financial problems and he felt the need to reach out to someone whom he had just met. Then the lies started. He had her numnet programmed into his phone as someone different and they talked texted and bbm all the time. I ask both to nc anymore. She was a newly wed and weI have have been married 13 years. I have his phone bugged and unless I am a complete idiot I think he is doing well. My question is am I stupid or can I get past this... He still doesnt feel like he did anything other than have a friend that was a woman..
2sunny Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Since he thinks he didn't do anything wrong - what's the plan for recovering the marriage? Counseling? If he doesn't admit - nothing will change = expect more cheating. He may have a new pay as you go phone to hide communication now. Search and find out.
Author Gwenny Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 We discussed it in detail and he admitted to talking to her and friendship only he also has realized how hurt I was and that if the roles were reversed he would feel the same as I do. This woman lives far away but, his work could put them in a situation to see one another. I have looked for another phone and have a spy app on his work phone. I know he doesnt communicate by email or his personal phone or his work phone. The spy that I have also allows me to hear and call in just to listen what goes on . I work in the communcation field so bugging is my strong point. I also have a gps installed on his truck so I know his every move. I hate feeling as if I cant trust him. am I being to overly cautious.
Spark1111 Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Gwenny, trust your gut. Trust but verify. If he is truly remorseful, he should hand over his passwords and his phone and his email accounts, both work and personal. Has he? He needs to be proactive in restoring your trust. Has he been? And he needs IC to understand why oh why he crossed so many boundaries when he began to confide intimate and personal issues with someone other than you. Has he done so? It can take two to five years to restore trust in a marriage after such a breech. IC and MC and total transparency and read, read, read about it. I know you do not want to be anyone's jailer, but do NOT deny your instincts. You need reassurance that this will never happen again to your relationship. He needs to discover why he started to confide in another what should have been rightfully your's alone.
GLDheart Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Wow. This guy is on lockdown. Tough break and in a way he deseves it... but wow trust is shattered BOTH ways in this relationship. He = Sneaky childlike behavior. You= Controlling parental role. I'm not telling you what to do, but man do I recognize an ugly dynamic there.
2sunny Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Trust is earned. If he's not earning it and offering you info that helps you to feel more trusting - then HE'S not doing HIS part in it.
Author Gwenny Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 He has unlocked his work phone and his personal phone and they both sit on the table so that I can go through them at will. I have all access to bank info and I have the spare key to his truck in which he swaps out with me whenever I ask. I still do not trust him as I dont know if I will ever be able to. I have also done my homework on her she is just a newly wed and has 2 small kids. I have told her if there is anymore contact I will own her ass and his to for that matter. I have all phone records. The title to his truck is solely in my name and he makes good money and has a military pension that I would take half of. I told him before we were married if there was ever a time where he thought he didnt love me I would let him go no strings and no fight but screw around and I will take you down with all I got in me..i watched my mom go through hell at the hands of my dads affairs and promised myself to not ever be put there myself... Guess where I am...
2sunny Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 So - you aren't keeping your word to yourself? Seems like an idle threat unless you take him down, yes?
Steadfast Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Unlike most here, I'm not fond of the whole cloak and dagger scene. Spying due to lack of trust seems counter-productive to living and love. Aren't there more productive things we can do than this? He hid it from you, so you know there were things he didn't want you to see. Trust him or don't. His actions will prove more than his words. The only question remaining in my mind is, how much time will pass before he earns it back? How long will you spy before you're satisfied? What do you need? 1
BetrayedH Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Without getting too detailed on your situation, I would keep doing what you're doing but I would be less obvious about it. Anything that he knows of, he will avoid. It is common to take an affair underground until the coast is clear and OW are known to sit and wait until it is. Spark is right that it takes 2-5 years to successfully reconcile. If you want to stay with your husband, you have to accept that he is a demonstrated liar. I sure never had to hide any of my female friends' contact info in my phone under someone else's name. While the hypervigilance may not feel like a healthy dynamic, you're left with little choice when trying to reconcile with such a person. This is a consequence of their actions. You cannot be expected to ignore the lack of trust that he has created and it is completely unhealthy if you do. Rugsweeping does not work. So this leaves you with "trust but verify" and it takes as long as it takes. I am curious as to how you can be so confident about other phones or email. Prepaid phones and secret email accounts are used all the time. I'm also getting the impression that you haven't spoken to the other woman's husband. If that's the case, why not? Seems that he deserves to know that this friendship was so important to your H that he had her hidden in his conta ts under a different name. Perhaps you are using the threat of exposure to keep her at bay? You might be better suited talking to the OWH so that you have an ally on the other end and so that he has a clue what he is married to. You really might get some insight from this man that would help you better discern what the real extent of their relationship is/was. It doesn't seem that your H is convinced about the fact that developing a bond with someone of the opposite sex is unacceptable when you are married. Your spouse is the one that should be your best friend and confidante. The book, Not Just Friends, may help him better understand that boundary. For the sake of your M, I hope that your H's poor choices were short-lived and that your reconciliation is a true one. You may never "blindly" trust him again but I hope his actions and your verifying of them speeds your recovery. That said, in the meantime you should realize that slow is fast and fast is slow. Demonstrated actions over time is what will resolve this. Your hypervigilance is what is allowing you to see that his actions are real. Transparency builds trust. Again, I would keep doing what you are doing.
BetrayedH Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Unlike most here, I'm not fond of the whole cloak and dagger scene. Spying due to lack of trust seems counter-productive to living and love. Aren't there more productive things we can do than this? He hid it from you, so you know there were things he didn't want you to see. Trust him or don't. His actions will prove more than his words. The only question remaining in my mind is, how much time will pass before he earns it back? How long will you spy before you're satisfied? What do you need? I appreciate the sentiment here but I just don't know how you rebuild trust with a demonstrated liar if you don't verify that they are not lying. Truly, I am not trying to be confrontational. I hated my hypervigilance but I don't see another alternative besides divorce. Trust them or don't seems too simplistic. Clearly we don't trust them as they have demonstrated untrustworthy behavior. Should I then force myself to trust them? That seems like completely denying my logical brain so that I can stuff down feelings of mistrust. That can't be healthy for a BS. Please don't be offended because I truly want to understand. I get that spying is ugly and distasteful. But for a BS that wants to stay and reconcile with a liar and a cheat that claims to be reformed, what other avenues are there? Particularly when the WS embraces transparency as an opportunity to rebuild trust, why not? My wife told me to go ahead and research whatever I wanted, however I wanted, and I didn't have to reveal a thing to her about it. I had carte blanche permission. At the time, that said a lot to me about her interest in reconciling. But the fact is that 7 months later, I still found more ridiculous crap that she was lying about, enough that we are divorcing. When the wayward handbook says to lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more - how do you say to a BS to trust them or don't? They can't be trusted. Should we knowingly be stupid? Or does no one try to reconcile? Trusting but verifying seems the only middle road option to me and a truly remorseful wayward spouse would embrace the opportunity to rebuild trust. But I would love to hear alternatives and I think that is the core of the OPs post.
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