ItsAllOver Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 (edited) My ex and I broke up about four months ago. And throughout that time, we have contacted each other on a limited basis (once a week, maybe twice a week at most). Also, we hang out in the same circle of friends, and we have hung out together with friends a few times in that period. Things have, for the most part, been awkward when meeting face to face. But they have generally been friendly (with some subtle flirtation on her part on one occasion). Anyway, I would typically only text her if she texted me. When I tried to text her, I would typically just get one word responses, and things would end after maybe 2-3 texts. So I generally didn't try to text her much. But this all changed maybe a month ago. For whatever reason, she stopped initiating texts, PERIOD! She also no longer sends the occasional email. But here's where things get strange: if I try to text her these days, she gets back to me pretty much instantly. And by instantly, I mean never longer than ten minutes. In fact, most of the time, it is less than two minutes. Furthermore, she actually seems to be much happier to talk to me than before - even compared to the times that she initiated the texting. And finally, after texting for a while, she will tell me that she has to do something, and that we can talk later. Even if this is just an excuse to stop talking, it certainly seems a step up from before (where she would just stop responding). What do you suppose might be up with this? On one hand, she no longer contacts me. But on the other hand, she seems to be more willing than before to talk to me, at least if I initiate things. Edited August 30, 2012 by ItsAllOver
lil hoodlum Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I don't really have an answer for you but it is interesting to note that ya'll have been broken up for nearly four months and a month ago things seem to change for the "better". I am getting at that most people tend to agree that rebounds seem to last around the 3 month mark or so. Who broke up with whom and what for?
Author ItsAllOver Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 I'm not sure whether she was in another relationship during this three month span. It's entirely possible. But if she WAS, then she certainly went to great lengths to keep it from being known to me. As for the breakup, she broke up with me. She didn't mention any specific reasons for the breakup other than turmoil in her own life and the old, generic "I can't be in a relationship" sort of thing. Needless to say, I KNOW I made ALOT of mistakes in our relationship. In addition to my own personal problems at the time, I think that maybe, I wasn't showing her how I felt about her. Maybe she didn't feel wanted by me. If this last fact is indeed a major reason for the breakup, this could be the reason for the strange situation I'm in as far as communication. Maybe she's actually waiting for ME to pursue her to show her I actually want her? Maybe trying to limit contact, play things like I don't really want to be with her, and all the other 'standard stuff' (like being unavailable, etc) we are told to do after being dumped has been the wrong course of action for me? Who knows?
lil hoodlum Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Who knows is right. What work for someone in one particular situation maynot work for someone else. I don't know your ex and am not trying to start anything so either she did or she didn't. It may or may not change things on your end. That's pretty lame that you weren't given a reason as to the cause of the breakup. I know becuase I was treated the same way. So as you said, Who knows. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes in relationships. It takes 2 people to make a relationship but only 1 to break it. I wish the best for you.
Author ItsAllOver Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 That's pretty lame that you weren't given a reason as to the cause of the breakup. I know becuase I was treated the same way. So as you said, Who knows. I sometimes say to myself that the craziest thing in the world would be if she was actually telling me the truth. On one hand, like I said, I've not seen any evidence that she's been in any kind of relationship since we broke up. Maybe she really doesn't want to be in a relationship. But she could (or could have), for whatever reason, be trying really hard to cover her tracks. It's just SO hard to say. When you don't get good communication (and she really started cutting off communication toward the end), you imagination can go wild with all the possibilities.
lil hoodlum Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I've been in your shoes and definitely agree with your statement. I believe though the truth usually has a way of coming out though. I hope that the two of you can work things out though.
Eddie Edirol Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Ive been in your situation, and I know the reasons. When she was giving you short responses and making excuses after initiating contact, she was seeing someone else, or looking to see if you moved on from her yet. when you happily engaged with her, she saw you didnt, and she found out what she needed to know and left you hanging. Since she stopped initiating texts, she wasnt interested in taking to you anymore, but felt bad that she wasnt interested when you were, and didnt want to ignore you. Maybe seeing someone else, but didnt want to tell you. SO she is over you, and if you didnt contact her again, she probably wouldnt look for you. But you never know. if she isnt in a happy relationship right now, and you STOP contacting her, you might get her curious enough to text you out of the blue. There is another thread somewhere on this forum where a guy that got dumped started seeing someone else, but his ex got jealous that he moved on before she found someone, and started trying to get in his good graces. So if you make her think you are happy with someone new (only if she looks for you) you might be in the running.
Author ItsAllOver Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 Ive been in your situation, and I know the reasons. When she was giving you short responses and making excuses after initiating contact, she was seeing someone else, or looking to see if you moved on from her yet. when you happily engaged with her, she saw you didnt, and she found out what she needed to know and left you hanging. Since she stopped initiating texts, she wasnt interested in taking to you anymore, but felt bad that she wasnt interested when you were, and didnt want to ignore you. Maybe seeing someone else, but didnt want to tell you. SO she is over you, and if you didnt contact her again, she probably wouldnt look for you. But you never know. if she isnt in a happy relationship right now, and you STOP contacting her, you might get her curious enough to text you out of the blue. This certainly sounds like a plausible explanation. There is, however, one strange thing: in our last exchange of text messages, I brought up the idea of meeting up with me in a couple of days. And she agreed to do so. THIS should be quite interesting.
Author ItsAllOver Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 (edited) I should also mention that there was a significant event after which she stopped initiating contact. She was having some car trouble, and asked me if I could help her out with her car. She didn't have the $300+ to pay a shop. So I actually decided to help her out with her car. I didn't do it with the hopes of this getting us back together. However, in addition to wanting to help her out, I was hoping she might reveal at least SOME information. She actually hung out with me while I was working on the car. And while I was doing this, we talked more than we had since we broke up. But after that, she stopped initiating contact with me. Maybe she just wanted to keep me around long enough that I could fix her car? Or maybe she wanted to see if I had really changed since the breakup, and found any changes (or lack thereof) not to her satisfaction? Who knows? But it sure looks like a case of no good deed going unpunished. Edited August 31, 2012 by ItsAllOver
Eddie Edirol Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Maybe she just wanted to keep me around long enough that I could fix her car? Or maybe she wanted to see if I had really changed since the breakup, and found any changes (or lack thereof) not to her satisfaction? Who knows? But it sure looks like a case of no good deed going unpunished. No, she was just using you to fix her car, nothing more. She know you would do it, because she knows you want to keep the door open. Dont be surprised if she flakes on the meeting. She probably told you yes to avoid a confrontation. She probably thought if she told you no it would be a problem. If she actually meets up with you then she probably feels guilty for lying to you about the breakup.
Author ItsAllOver Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 (edited) I definitely get a vibe from her of 'you fixed my car, now I don't need you anymore'. I'm sure she's probably also gone really cold on me after that because she was thinking that, after fixing her car, I might be expecting something in return. As far as meeting up, I'm guessing she's probably going to flake. Or if she actually does show up, she's going to make things really brief. I don't know why she would agree to meet up to avoid confrontation. I mean, I've never been one to fly off the handle with her. Even when she told me it was over, it's not like I got upset with her (or anything like that). On the other hand, maybe she actually wants to tell me something which would at least bring closure to this whole thing (I can only hope!). Edited September 1, 2012 by ItsAllOver
angelaM Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 For your sake, I do hope she is interested in starting things up again -- or at least talking and giving you the opportunity to share what you have learned and would do differently. But unfortunately another possibility is that she is over you at this point and feels more comfortable dealing with you as just a friend. She isn't initiating contact because she doesn't want you to think she's interested, but she does respond to you as she would any friend. Same with getting together -- no strings. Just a thought and I really hope I'm wrong! Good luck to you. If you're meant to be together it will happen.
Author ItsAllOver Posted September 2, 2012 Author Posted September 2, 2012 So do you think it would be a good idea for me to bring up the relationship, the mistakes I made, and tell her I miss her when I get together with her in a few days? I mean, if she's completely over me and doesn't want to get back together, would it not be any different from setting fire to a house that has already been leveled by an earthquake? Or would I be ruining a chance to get back together in the future? I'm not entirely convinced that maybe she might think I'm not interested in her. So would I really have ALOT to lose by showing her that I AM?
Eddie Edirol Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 I don't know why she would agree to meet up to avoid confrontation. I mean, I've never been one to fly off the handle with her. Even when she told me it was over, it's not like I got upset with her (or anything like that). On the other hand, maybe she actually wants to tell me something which would at least bring closure to this whole thing (I can only hope!). Dont be surprised if she meets up with you just to tell you how happy she is with a new guy, to discourage you from contacting her. Avoiding confrontation takes less time than saying no. She knows she doesnt have to answer your phone calls if she flakes. Plus, people get needy in your situation. She's probably been through it before, where she says no and someone tries to convince her to give them a chance. She doesnt want to hear it or deal with it when she knows she will never get back with you again. So do you think it would be a good idea for me to bring up the relationship, the mistakes I made, and tell her I miss her when I get together with her in a few days? I mean, if she's completely over me and doesn't want to get back together, would it not be any different from setting fire to a house that has already been leveled by an earthquake? Or would I be ruining a chance to get back together in the future? I'm not entirely convinced that maybe she might think I'm not interested in her. So would I really have ALOT to lose by showing her that I AM? Yep. You dont try to get a person to like you by trying to beg for them. You have to do the complete opposite of what your instincts say. You have to pull back when someone pulls back from you, not push further. She doesnt need to know that you miss her, she doesnt care. You have to treat them like you did when you first dated them, which was act like they are auditioning for your attention. You dont try to convince her by telling her how you miss her and know your mistakes. If you want to make her curious about you, you tell her about how happy you are with a new woman youre seeing. Because that says you not only have moved on, but you dont need her, you never did, and someone else saw something in you that she didnt see. If you really want to make her curious, you tell her all the qualities of the new girl that your ex could never have. That means you moved on to someone better, and she is missing out on you. It might not work, but thats the only way to make her curious about you again, not begging for another chance.
Author ItsAllOver Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 Dont be surprised if she meets up with you just to tell you how happy she is with a new guy, to discourage you from contacting her. Avoiding confrontation takes less time than saying no. She knows she doesnt have to answer your phone calls if she flakes. Plus, people get needy in your situation. She's probably been through it before, where she says no and someone tries to convince her to give them a chance. She doesnt want to hear it or deal with it when she knows she will never get back with you again. Trust me, telling me that she's happy with another guy is not her way. If she truly is happy with another guy, I'm going to be the last person to know. If there's anything I know about this girl, it's that if she doesn't want to talk to me about something, agree to meet up, etc, she simply goes silent.
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