SmileFace Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 I just want to get some people's opinions on a situation I am dealing with. I have pretty much made my bed in the whole thing anyway. If you want any further details I do have a thread in the long distance forum about it. I dated this guy prior, it didn't work out for a couple reasons - the recent reason being the distance. We stopped talking but that didn't last long so we decided we needed to actually have the talk. We decided we wanted to be together however he decided to hold off on a relationship until I move closer to him. So I told him I will be cutting contact to keep my self from getting more attached. He didn't like that and said we should continue to talk so I don't lose interest. I agreed but I told him that if any of us finds someone who they are serious with we will be completely honest with each other. However the constant contact doesn't allow me to even find interest in any one else. Anyway so we are trying with that. However it is no different from when we were dating besides no sexual talk. Which he has obliged. I am kind ok with the decision but I feel lost. I don't care to date others since I will be moving to about two different cities in the coming months so I don't have the time. I just don't know how to give him the space or know what is considered enough contact. I have tons of male friends but even my best friend who is a guy - we don't talk more than once a week. I feel stupid for agreeing to this. Even tho we are allowed to date others but I don't want to lose him and he is a great guy. However I don't know how to explain us. We are trying to plan a platonic visit but he will be staying with me at my moms house. Which is fine but if anything he will be the first guy I bring around my family but he isn't my boyfriend. It all seems so cheap. However since we aren't in a relationship - that is the only reason he can even come to my mom house , I don't crap where I sleep. I have never did the friends to relationship thing before. What would you go in a situation like this or would you ask someone to be a situation like this for you? Help (I hope for around SD status on this thread- lol jk)
ThaWholigan Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 This would be hard to answer because I would never be in a situation like this .... I'm not surprised you feel lost, as it seems that a large part of you wants to find a scenario with more clarity, but the familiarity and the previous connection between the two of you is hard to give up, especially as this guy seems to want to maintain it. I think if it were me, and I were the guy in this situation, I would have probably let you go, and encouraged you to date someone closer to you. It probably would have hurt me, but I would think it would be for the best. I would stay in contact though and maintain a friendship seeing as there is a connection. But that's just me really...... If I were the one being asked to do what you're doing, it would be difficult for me personally. I don't think I would continue.
Imajerk17 Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 (edited) Well, in my opinion, you're either dating or exclusive with someone. Since you are not yet exclusive, that must mean you are "dating". It's not a serious relationship until both of you commit. Since that did not happen, the two of you aren't in a serious relationship. Forget your history, it's what you are willing to do for each other now that counts. So, no having him stay at your parents house. That's for boyfriends only. And from the way things are now, he is not your boyfriend. PS: No the two of you are not "friends" so I say none of this "friends for now" crap either. Friends don't talk about getting together in a relationship. You're either dating casually or committed to each other which means exclusive. You become friends (maybe) only when you both have decided not to get back together. Edited August 30, 2012 by Imajerk17
Author SmileFace Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 This would be hard to answer because I would never be in a situation like this .... I'm not surprised you feel lost, as it seems that a large part of you wants to find a scenario with more clarity, but the familiarity and the previous connection between the two of you is hard to give up, especially as this guy seems to want to maintain it. I think if it were me, and I were the guy in this situation, I would have probably let you go, and encouraged you to date someone closer to you. It probably would have hurt me, but I would think it would be for the best. I would stay in contact though and maintain a friendship seeing as there is a connection. But that's just me really...... If I were the one being asked to do what you're doing, it would be difficult for me personally. I don't think I would continue. He didn't even broach the topic of dating others I did. He actually said it made him sick to his stomach. I am leaning towards backing off. I don't see his reasons for wanting to be friends if he doesn't want to be with me now. I know I should be happy that he is telling me he can't do a long distance by why not just let me go?
january2011 Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 You've both agreed that distance is what is holding the relationship back. And until that limitation has been removed, you are both left in this non-relationship relationship limbo land, which is confusing and requires you to invest emotional energy into something that won't bring any rewards. It's like he's got dibs on you and is holding your heart to ransom, which is basically what it amounts to when you both agree that you're each other's back-up plan. You don't have any solid plans to close the distance, so while flail around in this "whatever it is?" Therefore, if it were me, I'd probably cut off contact and say that if circumstances change and the distance isn't an issue anymore, then you'll get back in touch and see if you two can start again. As a sidenote, my advice would be different if you'd both agreed that while the distance is an issue, you are in a serious relationship and will work towards being together. Even if you don't have a move-in date. I also agree that he shouldn't stay at your mom's house. That's temptation that's probably going to lead to more pain and confusion. 2
Author SmileFace Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 If I really liked you and trusted you, then I'd wait for you until your life would have sailed into calmer waters, so that we could both work on being together when both our lives would be more opportune for it. I actually don't recommend to keep e-mailing and texting during this time. It'll only be a matter of time before he'd feel you don't take him seriously if you'd only contact him once a week with a short message due to being so busy. The quality of contact would be too low and that would make him doubt your commitment eventually. Explain it to him, like you explained it to us, but make it clear to him that you are serious and committed, but that it's too hard to follow through on his plan to keep communicating due to being so busy. If he's really into you, his interest levels will remain strong enough to bridge the gap. A man that is committed will wait for you. I will try to explain to him further. Hopefully he will understand how I feel in this. We act as if we are in a relationship - I don't understand why we can't just be in one.
ThaWholigan Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 He didn't even broach the topic of dating others I did. He actually said it made him sick to his stomach. I am leaning towards backing off. I don't see his reasons for wanting to be friends if he doesn't want to be with me now. I know I should be happy that he is telling me he can't do a long distance by why not just let me go? It's quite confusing the way I'm looking at it. I mean, I don't really know the history, I'm just going off of what you've written in this thread. He wants to stay being friends, but doesn't want to be with you as it's LDR, but he doesn't want you to date other people. Is that right? If so, I think it would be better for you to back off personally. It may free you up to date people closer to you in proximity. But if you think that there is something substantial despite the distance and the oddness of the current connection between you two, then I wouldn't be too hasty.
Author SmileFace Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 Well, in my opinion, you're either dating or exclusive with someone. Since you are not yet exclusive, that must mean you are "dating". It's not a serious relationship until both of you commit. Since that did not happen, the two of you aren't in a serious relationship. Forget your history, it's what you are willing to do for each other now that counts. So, no having him stay at your parents house. That's for boyfriends only. And from the way things are now, he is not your boyfriend. PS: No the two of you are not "friends" so I say none of this "friends for now" crap either. Friends don't talk about getting together in a relationship. You're either dating casually or committed to each other which means exclusive. You become friends (maybe) only when you both have decided not to get back together. I told him a hotel is more favorable. Howerver who knows if the visit will actually happen. I actually rather have a friend stay over like any other friend. However I am fooling myself with us being friends.
Author SmileFace Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 It's quite confusing the way I'm looking at it. I mean, I don't really know the history, I'm just going off of what you've written in this thread. He wants to stay being friends, but doesn't want to be with you as it's LDR, but he doesn't want you to date other people. Is that right? If so, I think it would be better for you to back off personally. It may free you up to date people closer to you in proximity. But if you think that there is something substantial despite the distance and the oddness of the current connection between you two, then I wouldn't be too hasty. No, he told me I can date others because I wouldn't have agreed any other way. He wants us to be together but only if I live near. He won't be in a relationship with now which only pushes my move date further back since I don't have the reason to move as soon. He wants us to keep contact since he wants me to stay interested.
ThaWholigan Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 No, he told me I can date others because I wouldn't have agreed any other way. He wants us to be together but only if I live near. He won't be in a relationship with now which only pushes my move date further back since I don't have the reason to move as soon. He wants us to keep contact since he wants me to stay interested. OK. Well, this is rather complicated to be honest . Are you still interested enough to continue the arrangement? I'd imagine you still are to an extent. I would maintain contact, but probably not so much. I think keeping your options would be beneficial, but if things are strenuous then likely things will come to a head sooner rather than later. Give it time I say....
Author SmileFace Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 You've both agreed that distance is what is holding the relationship back. And until that limitation has been removed, you are both left in this non-relationship relationship limbo land, which is confusing and requires you to invest emotional energy into something that won't bring any rewards. It's like he's got dibs on you and is holding your heart to ransom, which is basically what it amounts to when you both agree that you're each other's back-up plan. You don't have any solid plans to close the distance, so while flail around in this "whatever it is?" Therefore, if it were me, I'd probably cut off contact and say that if circumstances change and the distance isn't an issue anymore, then you'll get back in touch and see if you two can start again. As a sidenote, my advice would be different if you'd both agreed that while the distance is an issue, you are in a serious relationship and will work towards being together. Even if you don't have a move-in date. I also agree that he shouldn't stay at your mom's house. That's temptation that's probably going to lead to more pain and confusion. I wouldn't kiss someone in the proximity of my moms house. Anyway that isnt the major discussion. The situation would be different if we were committed to each other. However he is probably dating/having sex with others. Ugh this situation is so lame.
january2011 Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Ugh this situation is so lame. It really sounds like you don't need the hassle and that you'd be much happier if things were clear one way or the other, rather than this limbo land you're in. I think you really only have one choice: NC or a variation of it.
Author SmileFace Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 OK. Well, this is rather complicated to be honest . Are you still interested enough to continue the arrangement? I'd imagine you still are to an extent. I would maintain contact, but probably not so much. I think keeping your options would be beneficial, but if things are strenuous then likely things will come to a head sooner rather than later. Give it time I say.... I am in it. I decided to let him do the contact. Which I assumed will keep a good balance. Which doesn't really happen when he finds a way to contact me daily. However the arrangement is pretty new. However me waiting for him isn't new at all. I should have backed away months ago. But all the guys I deal with are such flukes - he is the best of a bad situation.
Author SmileFace Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 Ok that makes no sense whatsoever. The thought of you dating others makes him uncomfortable, but he's banging other girls? Are you assuming things here or do you know this for sure? No sorry I am assuming. It is the only way I can make sense of the situation. However I am not dating others not that it makes a difference. We aren't in a relationship so he is free to do as he pleases. However I feel like his ultimate back up plan. However that isn't fair since I am so far away and when we started dating it was our plan for us both to relocate. Which he did and I didn't.
Author SmileFace Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 To be honest, the situation confuses me. But let me try to paint a picture here: You are friends, you want to be in a relationship together. But you live far away from each other. He doesn't want an LDR, you do. But you don't have the time to maintain contact for the coming months, but you agreed to it anyway. You prefer not to have contact and to date others, but he doesn;t like that, he doesn't like the thought of you dating others and he wants for you both to maintain interest. But you think he's dating and having sex with other women. Is that about right? We met on an internship. We dated and both planned to stay in the location of our internship. I decided to go back home instead and get back with my ex. Which probably left a bad taste In his mouth for the way I ended things. He kept at contact after I moved but I finally told him I was back with my ex and he backed off. My ex broke up with me. Soon after I visited his town ... We hooked up for the first time and kept contact as if we never stopped dating. That was 3 months ago we have tried at it but the inconsistency in what he wants leaves us in limbo. However he is very unaware about my feelings towards him in general but I can't really blame him but we both can't seem to get over each other.
Author SmileFace Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 If that was the plan you both agreed to and he stuck to it, then it would only be fair for you to follow through also. What I don't get SF, is that you both made an agreement to relocate so that you can be together and be in a relationship. He held his end of the bargain, but you now say that you want to keep the option open to date others. That comes across as really unreliable to be honest. He already relocated for you and you're throwing such uncertainty into the situation by saying that. I know. That is why I am more than willing to bend backwards in this situation because I am the one who didn't follow through with the plans. No I dont want to date others but what is the point of committing to him if he won't do the same until I move. I am not dating others and I don't plan to.
Author SmileFace Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 That sounds understandable to be honest SF. It's not really a display of loyalty that you showed him there. But he forgave you for it and relocated for you as agreed by you both. But now you're talking to him about dating others again. In my opinion, if he isn't dating and f*cking other women, then you've treated this guy pretty badly. Yes the situation did start off pretty crappy and I have apologized numerous times about how it started off . Believe me when I tell you I hear about it constantly . I only offered the dating others because he diesnt want to commit to me. I don't see how that is wrong. During the last three months of us dating I haven't contacted a next guy. Not until he told me only friends and no sexual talk or anything did I mention dating other guys.
Author SmileFace Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 If you can't find enough time to contact him, the guy you like, then cut your time on LS and instead spend it on him. That would be my suggestion. SO > LS No I have the time to contact him. The contact was only mentioned to show how much I contact friends- which is what he wants to be. I will always find time for him.
Author SmileFace Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 Ok it makes more sense now. So until you've moved, he wants to be friends. Is that the case? Yes, exactly.
Author SmileFace Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 Then confront him directly and ask him if it's because he wants to date other women or have sex with other women (in the meanwhile). If he's levelheaded he'll allow you to ask a tough question like that. Of course you'd have to explain why you ask the question, otherwise he might not understand what issue you're trying to solve. What exactly do I say when he says yes? "oh, that explains it. Well ok that is fine. Just dont catch any feelings,k!"
Author SmileFace Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 Then it would be a display of disloyalty on his part in my opinion. And then you have to reweigh what you want. Someone that is really serious and truly loyal to the bone, will wait for you without dating others, without having sex with other people. But it's possible that he simply doesn't like the idea of an LDR, nothing more, nothing less. Without connotations. No I really think the only problem is the distance. Which I understand ldrs are hard. I want to think that is the only reason but assumptions . I guess time will tell. I will probably wait for him. He didn't say yes or no to dating others on his end so it seems like he wants to wait for me but doesn't want to lose any chance at anything else that may come up. Or is probably unsure of my ability at a ldr.
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